Trust

Trust

2001, AIT: One of the guys in my AIT class, Doh (fake name), asked me one day why we couldn’t be friends, and I explained to him, “I’ve noticed several times that you’re all ‘buddy buddy’ with certain people; yet, as soon they’re out of sight, you talk shit about them to others. That’s a very unattractive side of you…you’re better than that.” We remained as acquaintances, but a friendship never developed. Looking back, I understand why his behavior bothered me so much. I always wanted to experience being able to trust people since I didn’t really have that many opportunities throughout my life.

My first mistrust developed with my own mother. I didn’t trust that she wouldn’t hurt me, verbally or physically. When I was a little girl, I used to get on my knees, rub my palms together, and beg my mother to please stop beating me. As I grew older, I discontinued begging because I learned that it was not effective. Instead, I would just sit there and let her do whatever she had to do while thinking to myself, “Please kill me.” When I was a teenager, I overheard her talking bad about me to the neighborhood women. But after they went home, she would be all nice to me. It made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to talk to her about it, but it was impossible to express any thoughts that didn’t sit well with her.

The first time I lost trust in my dad is when I was in ninth grade. He yelled for me to get the hell out of his office (when I went to visit him during my parent’s separation) and added that I wasn’t his real daughter. Then, right after high school, after I had already been accepted to a university, he informed me that I no longer have a college account because he has to spend the money on his new marriage to his girlfriend. He had promised me, since I was in elementary school, that if I brought home A’s and B’s, he would send me to college…so I did. I wish he had told me sooner so that I wouldn’t have taken extra classes and participated in extra-curricular activities; hence, taking Vivarin pills to be able to stay up and study during my high school years. I used to study my ass off while putting up with my mother’s drunkenness and cruel comments. Once, while she was sober, she came into my room while I was studying and said that she was proud of me and that I was going to do well. A couple hours or so later, she came back drunk and said, “Well, well, well…look at you…acting like you’re studying hard just so you don’t have to spend time with me. Bitch. You’re just like your father. You’re not going to succeed!” Moments like that were confusing for me. What was I to believe? They say that people have a tendency to tell the truth when they’re drunk, so which is the truth?

My first two boyfriends ended up cheating on me, and were both caught lying.

My so-called best friend since high school continued to make condescending comments to me; basically treating me like I was inferior to her. I eventually let her go because I didn’t trust her friendship.

My first husband had an affair with some woman while on TDY in the Philippines. I felt so hurt and betrayed that I did the exact same thing, which didn’t make matters any better. Two wrongs definitely don’t equal a right. After this relationship, I didn’t care about being in a serious relationship. Of course, until I met my current husband years later.

I don’t completely trust my Step Mother anymore because she continues to make these comments that leave me with a not-so-good feeling. I came to a realization that the comments are patronizing. My intuition always told me so, but I didn’t want to believe it. I would much rather someone be condescending, so that it’s basically in my face, which gives me the opportunity to put their ass in their place. I tried to talk to her about her comments, but she would say something like, “Oh, I’m so sorry Bobbie that you took it that way! Please forgive me!” One time, while I was doing dishes at my step-mother’s house (after my dad’s funeral), I accidently left one of the knives pointing outward, which I usually don’t do. My sister (my step-mother’s daughter) was near the sink, and my step-mother noticed the knife and warned her. I felt bad and told her it was my fault. My step-mother then turned to me and said in a snotty tone, “I guess more than thirty years of experience in the kitchen didn’t teach you anything.” I was going to say something, but everyone and their mamas was at the house, and I didn’t want to disrespect her, especially after my dad’s funeral.

I was frustrated for a while because I knew that something wasn’t quite right about some of her comments, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. If there’s a misunderstanding, I’m used to talking it out with people. However, with her, she always managed to make me feel like I was going crazy. Countless times I would listen to her, as she would talk my ear off, but then I finally realized that her apologies weren’t sincere. She would talk until two or three in the morning, although I would mention several times that I was very tired. She would apologize, and then continue talking…over and over again. It almost felt evil. She would talk about sad topics which would make it difficult to just walk off. However, once, I just said goodnight, walked off and went to bed. It was just too much. If you know someone has to work the next day, why would you talk them to death until 3 a.m., especially if they told you that they’re tired multiple times?

It’s no wonder I didn’t convert into a Catholic, although she insisted. She could quote the bible like there was no tomorrow (which she often did); yet, her actions were often questionable. Her and her Catholic friends would gather every Sunday, pray, eat brunch, and then gossip about whoever wasn’t there that day. I was so turned off by that that I stopped eating brunch with them, even though I LOVE Korean food. Once, we were in Okinawa, and she said, “Don’t take this the wrong way Bobbie, but I should tell you the truth. You don’t have much money, you don’t have much of an education, and you have a really bad family history. Therefore, not many people want to marry such a person. Also, their family wouldn’t approve as well. It is in your best interest to marry some enlisted man with a background similar to yours.” I believed her. Looking back, I wonder if she would’ve said the same thing to her own daughter; probably not. More than likely, she told her daughter about her good qualities, and why she deserves the best in life. I always believed (and still do) that’s what mothers are supposed to tell their daughters, even step-daughters. UPDATED paragraph: After some thought, I believe my frustration about this situation stems from really wanting to trust my step-mother, but not being able to. It’s the same dilemma I have with my own mother. No matter what, they’re still my family. If it was anyone else, I wouldn’t allow them to negatively affect my emotions because I would have no need to completely trust them. Now that I’ve just mentioned that, I realize that I actually don’t need to completely trust my mother and step-mother either. I would like their full trust, but I surely don’t NEED it. Wow, I’m reminded once again that writing is therapeutic. Thank you God. I’ve decided to just accept my mother and step-mother for who they are, but definitely not allow them to have power over me ever again.

Even now, I have trust issues. It’s something I’m still working on. I generally trust some people. I trust God for sure. The only people I completely trust are my:
– husband
– two Korean cousins (like my real sisters)
– kids

– first/ex-husband and his wonderful wife
– older sister-like friend in Virginia
– high school male friend “W.S.”
– girlfriend “S” in Germany (met in the Army in Korea)
– girlfriend “J” in San Antonio (met in the Army in TX)
– high school friend “J” and his mother from L.A.
– big brother “R”
– high school art teacher “B.B.” (My huge inspiration, mentor, coach, and teacher)
– First Sergeant in HI “L.H.”

– Drill Sergeant at AIT “SSG B”

– AIT battle bud “D.G.”

– my battle buds from Korea “S.M.” and “C.C.”

– my battle buds from HI “B.B.” and “J.S.”

– former soldiers/coworkers from HI “D.L.” and “B.L.”
– former soldiers/coworkers from TX “E.L.” and “A.A.”
– battle buds from AZ “M.C.” and “I.P.”

– Superman from Iraq

WOW, another surprise, I didn’t realize I completely trusted this many people. I was pretty sure the number was small. Nice.

I completely trust them because they were all there for me during the difficult times of my life, especially my brother, W.S., and J’s mother. They all showed me the meaning of trust, unconditional love, friendship, compassion, peace, strength, loyalty, hope, kindness, happiness and faith.

I completely trust them because my intuition tells me that they won’t ever smile to my face and then talk shit about me behind my back.

I completely trust them because I can sense their honesty and good nature.

I completely trust them because I’ve never heard them gossip about others. There’s a difference between socializing and gossiping, but some people don’t seem to get it; way to often I’ve witnessed the latter.

Last but not least, I completely trust them because I see God in them.

I am rich beyond my wildest dreams, and I share my blessings with those who have given me the true “wealth” of life–the 11 things that constitute real riches–which is priceless. The twelfth thing is financial security, which will continue to manifest in life at the perfect moments.

“12 Things that Make Men Rich” by Napolean Hill:

#1) A Positive Mental Attitude (“Observe that it heads the list”)

#2) Sound Physical Health

#3) Harmony in Human Relations

#4) Freedom from Fear

#5) The Hope of Future Achievement

#6) The Capacity for Applied Faith

#7) Willingness to Share One’s Blessings with Others

#8) To be Engaged in the Labor of Love

#9) An Open Mind on ALL Subjects Toward ALL People

#10) Complete Self-Discipline

#11) Wisdom which to Understand People

#12) Financial Security “Observe if you will with great benefit that money comes at the end of the list of the twelve things that make men rich.” N.H.

* Video available on web