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The Very Dark Side of Me

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knowing our own darknessess

UPDATE:

What I’ve “learned”/re-membered from my darkest thoughts and greatest fear:

(My tweets on Twitterland from September 29-30, 2012, after I wrote this post): 

September 28, 2012 (12:48 a.m.)

God,

As you already know, I had a conversation with a very honest soul sister of mine in Twitter Land tonight. Before, she helped me to answer my own question when she asked me the same question, and I ended up providing her an answer. This time, she helped me to finally open my eyes. After going in circles for a while about unconditional forgiveness and unconditional love, I was lost for words.

All I wanted to do was to empower others to forgive and love unconditionally by sharing some of my life examples, but it turned really ugly. The next you know, I was asked if I would still forgive and love unconditionally if some man molested or hurt my daughter. And then it occurred to me…I was lost because those two phrases can never be my whole truth.

Ya see, I may be able to deceive society, but I cannot deceive myself or You since we are one. As much as I would love to always BE unconditional forgiveness and unconditional love, and believe that it’s our true nature, deep down…I don’t. You’re right, it stems from fear…something I’ve actually become very familiar with throughout my life.

Although hope and my yearning to someday know You kept me going on this wonderful roller coaster journey of life since I was a child, I believe I lost that desire. Call it a lack of patience, a lack of appreciation, a lack of will power, a lack of heart…whatever you like to label it. I’m actually mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually drained. I guess I’m not abundance, because this soul has no more to give to myself, You and humanity.

Let’s see, what else did my soul sign up for in this lifetime? Some “bad” soul hurting my husband and children, perhaps? Well, that’s where we have a little problem God. I don’t recall what the hell my soul decided to sign up for or deserved to experience via karma, but if ANYONE were to ever hurt my husband and children, they would witness a major transformation of moi.

I have no doubt whatsoever that I would choose to become the darkest, most evil, most cruel, most wicked, heartless woman who ever existed on planet Earth. I would make it my mission to ensure, whoever hurt my loved ones, would suffer the slowest death imaginable, and they would go down in recorded history.

So, I guess that disqualifies me to ever become enlightened. At least we can save the bs and just keep it real. I was wrong about myself. My true nature is darkness, but all this time I’ve been trying to be something I’ll never fully be, which is Light. That explains why I’ve been surrounded by so much darkness…it’s my home.

Now, I feel liberated that I can finally take off my mask and just BE who I truly am. Now I understand why I haven’t been impressed with the majority of society. They were a reflection of me…all hypocrites, trying to act good when deep down, they’re really dark…just like me.

I’m probably the only one dumb enough to expose myself this way and allow others to attack me with their dagger-like words. But it’s all good. Once one has experienced a very hateful mother, NO ONE can beat that. So all you mf’s in this world can hate me all you like…I don’t give a rat’s ass.

That’s right, I’m using profanity. Once again, don’t be a freakin hypocrite…you like to use it to…behind closed doors. You just continue tweeting about the overused “love and light” theme, write your little poems about peace and joy while living in your safe bubbles, tell all your fb friends how perfect your lives are, etc.

Let’s face it, you need people like me to make yourselves look so much better. I’ll be the “bad gal.” 😉

Do whatever else you gotta do God if you still insist on keeping me alive. I will no longer participate in trying to make this world a better place, because I’ve learned that I’m just not good at it. From now on, I choose to just do whatever the hell I feel like doing. I have no desire to go on Twitter and Facebook (where the number of followers and so-called “friends” seems to be the most important thing). I am also done with writing crazy-ass shit to myself on this worthless blog.

I won’t miss anyone from this planet. And I won’t miss my lonely conversations with you God. You’re right, you’re always communicating; I’m the one who fails to listen or to be aware. You’re right…I don’t appreciate you. I don’t help you. I don’t trust you. I don’t truly know you. Last but not least, I don’t love you unconditionally. You got me.

There are gazillions of souls out there, so you have more than plenty of them to experience in the physical whatever your Spirit desires. Even if you took away everything from me (which wouldn’t surprise me), and especially if you took everything else from me, I choose not to ask for your help or love ever again. I get it now, I am a very densely vibrating soul, and I fully embrace it. Have a nice journey.

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Comments

  1. Sheila, I happened to come upon this message after clearing out messages from the spam box. I don’t recall seeing this message before, which was in my regular comment box that I rarely check since I hardly ever receive comments, but I trust that everything happens in Divine perfect timing and order.

    I don’t know if you’ll even receive this reply since it’s 2015 now, but I just wanted to thank you for your deeply understanding, encouraging, empowering, and uplifting words.

    You didn’t push too hard, it was meant to happen for the highest benefit of both our soul growth. And you don’t have to be sorry since you were merely honestly expressing your inner truth.

    I just reacted (from fear) rather than responding (from love) because I didn’t know myself better then, and I also allowed others’ opinions affect my emotions. When you mentioned in one of your tweets something to the effect that I support child molesters because I chose to forgive my uncle for molesting me as a child, it just threw me off because in my heart I know that’s not true.

    I’ve relocated my website space and changed its name to reunitingall.com, and I’m continuing the process of unconditionally accepting/loving ALL aspects of self while honoring all of my invaluable feelings (language of the soul); that way, I can fully do so for others as well.

    I’ve learned/remembered a lot with this blogging journey, which I’m very grateful for, and thanks to open-minded, caring and passionate souls like you triggering deep feelings within me, and igniting the light within, I’ve been able to grow, expand, learn, remember, become wiser and more loving.

    Thank you again Sheila, my beautiful soul sister. It doesn’t matter where you are since, ultimately, we’re all interconnected, I send you loving energies from my Heart, and I wish for you to receive many blessings from our magnificent and generous Universe. <3<3<3 Bobbie

  2. Misty,

    Thank you very much for Being Love and sharing your Light. I initially thought you were someone else because I had received a few comments back-to-back from them. Please disregard the first reply.

    I’m no healing expert, but whatever you are going through, I hope that I can be of some more help. If you ever want to talk about it, I will be here. I really appreciate you helping souls like me to re-member once again who I truly am. I wish you and your loved ones many miraculous blessings. 🙂

  4. Sheila, I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I had a strong feeling that was the case, but I wanted to help you heal by using my situation so that I wouldn’t put you on the spot on Twitter. If you had brought it up, I would’ve been all ears. You don’t have to be sorry because 1) I intuitively knew that you didn’t have hurtful intentions (you were hurting) and 2) I believe our conversation was meant to happen. When I tweeted,

    “@bobbiejod4: When an uncle molests U when U were a child,but U forgive him bcuz U intuitively know that he didn’t mean harm n is sorry #UnconditionalLove”

    The key phrase is “bcuz U intuitively know that he didn’t mean harm n is sorry.”

    I wanted to help others like me heal and feel empowered. I learned that forgiveness helps us to heal…sets us free, even if the perpetrator doesn’t apologize. Also, when something like that happens to us, we feel like we have no power. By forgiving unconditionally, we also empower ourselves.

    I felt so bad because I felt like I hurt you further and disappointed you. Ever since we helped each other discover the meaning of loving ourselves and others unconditionally, I saw you in a bright light. I was so grateful that we crossed paths. You are one of the most honest, giving, loving souls I’d ever met whom I’ve never even physically met before or talked to on the phone.

    I appreciate you Sheila, you make me better, even at this moment. You’re like my guardian angel sent by God. Thank you for your perfect and beautiful existence.

    I am confident that you, too, will heal and rise above all negativity that stems from fear since your true essence is Love energy.

    You are the Loving One who reached out to a hurting soul like me…the only one. You helped me to remember that I’m not in essence darkness.

    I experience God in you, and now my eyes are open once again. This, my friend, is God’s perfection in the works…a miracle.

    Love you my Divine soul sister,

    Barbara

  5. I don’t know you and you don’t know me but your words have reached me anyway and touched me like nothing I’ve read in a long time. I’m a 32y/o mother of 2 and I feel like you have put into words, far better than I could ever have, exactly what I’m going through myself. Thank you! I truly believe that you ARE light. You ARE love. Wether you believe it or not doesn’t change that.

  6. something to ‘help’ the person who victimized them and I know that’s not so. It’s the victims responsibility to keep themselves safely away and do all they need to and can do to heal themselves. I really was concerned about what you were doing to your spirit by trying to ‘help’ him. I never intended for you to feel attacked! I’m so, so very sorry!!

  7. Bobbie Jo, I just want to say again how very sorry I am for coming on so hard & making you feel attacked. I feel so strongly about this because I was also a victim & I was MADE to socialize with my abuser. It’s so devastating to a victims spirit to be made to interact with her predator, no matter who the one orchestrating it is. I came on so passionately because twitter is a social medium & I thought of all the victims who might see your tweet & feel they had some responsibility or duty to do

  8. Bobbie Jo, you’re so disappointed because you aren’t a perfect human being! Sorry sweety, but there are no perfect people. Who you really are is a perfect, flawless child of God but you aren’t here as a perfect spirit. You’re here as a human being, with all the emotions & feelings of any other human being. You seem to think that feeling normal feelings is wrong. Losing your temper in the right situation is not wrong. Being angry or passionate about the right thing is not wrong. That doesn’t mean you’re darkness! It means you’re a human being here on this planet. The spiritual movement tries to make us believe were supposed to transcend the things that make us human but (1) It’s a lie (2) it’s not possible. It’s clear I pushed too hard and for that I’m deeply sorry! But this was never my intention & I’m really shocked by it. I definitely didn’t see this coming. Take time and really think this through. Everything truly will be alright.

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