Note: This post is one of the subtitles within the post series, “Finding the Good in Shadow Aspects that I Disapprove of in Self/Others” (a post that introduces subtitles only); additional subtitles for current experiences added this morning
As shared in the recent stories recorded in the posts mentioned above—“An Additional Challenge of Sedona to Continue Integrating Shadow Aspects” and ” The Unexpected Encounters with Wounded Wounders in Sedona”—I noticed (upon reflection) that I continued to negatively react (that stems from fear) toward this aspect that’s called two-faced.
Note: Image on right found next to link => The Guardian Nigeria
So I desired to dive deep into the not fully known ocean of profound emotions in order to neutrally respond to such situations—that stems from unconditional acceptance/embrace/love— in the future.
Apparently, my ego aspect of self still had the need to hold onto the belief that being two-faced is only wrong and bad, and would judge others upon witnessing them being this way. But why?
The aspect that is known to us as “two-faced” has been showing up in my physical reality since childhood; and my first memories of this was my mother’s repeating mention of her strong disapproval and disgust of those whom she labeled as “two-faced/two-hearted”—mainly my lying-ass, cheating, adoptive father, but others as well.
However, it was also confusing at times because though she was against this two-faced aspect within others, I noticed that she, herself, was two-faced at times as well; but yet, she wasn’t aware of it (the way I wasn’t aware of this aspect existing within me as well).
For instance, my mother would smile and be nice to certain (but not all) people, but as soon as they were out of sight, she would start talking bad about them.
She used to talk bad about one of our landlords in Busan, Korea, though she was friendly with them to their face, and even invited them over at times for coffee and desserts.
One day, during high school, I overheard her talking bad about me to them, which to me, was the ultimate two-faced person; I trusted her much less after that moment.
So not only did I learn what aspects general society didn’t accept and approve of, I also learned what I was personally turned off by. Other related stories shared in an old post titled, “Trust.”
I—as ego self that does its best to be good and do right in order to be accepted and approved of by society (especially one’s parents)—learned at a very young age one of the many aspects of what not to be and do (at least outwardly) in order to survive in this world; hence, those rejected, denied, repressed, and suppressed aspects became the shadow (unknown) aspects of self.
However, when I go deep within, I realize that often times throughout my childhood, I refrained from expressing my own true thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants, because I learned that to do so came with some very, unpleasant consequences (i.e., verbal, psychological–mental and emotional—and physical abuse, and even denial, neglect and ridicule).
Even when I was molested by my uncle during elementary school—shared in post, “Awkwardness”—I never told my parents, who took me to my grandmother’s house (where my youngest uncle also lived) practically every summer and winter breaks while they went on their vacations.
As shared in the molestation post, I had to pretend as though nothing happened the night prior in order to survive while at my grandmother’s house.
In addition, I was afraid that if I had told my mother, she would blame me for it happening—the way she blamed me for many things that went wrong with her life since I was a baby—and then beat and/or kill both my uncle and I. I realize this can sound quite drastic, but not according to a personal, childhood experience recorded in post, “Not Flight or Fight…but Freeze“ (trauma).
So I realized that throughout childhood, I had to be two-faced in order to survive a reality that often seemed so confusing, overwhelming and even harsh.
Granted, a child needing to be two-faced out of fear of one’s survival, and an adult being two-faced due to fear of being authentic/true self is somewhat different, though the same due to being within the same category of needing to be two-faced in order to live in this world with a certain amount of relief from life’s challenges and stress factors.
In addition, as an adult, we can also be two-faced if we’re not aware of what it even means to be true to ourselves because we’ve never been taught such profound knowledge and wisdom (i.e., unconditionally accept, embrace, and even deeply love all aspects of self, to include but not limited to self-respect and self-compassion; True Love starts from within).
For instance, we may stay in unhealthy relationships—whether it’s romantic, friendship, work-related, etc.—due to the societal conditioned fear of being alone and/or not being worthy of loving relationships. Or we may stay in any, low-paying, 9 to 5 job just to make ends meet, though we’re miserable inside.
This video’s helpful, “If You Want To Be Happy, Don’t Do This! – Teal Swan“; and though it’s easier said than done to follow one’s path of joy—even starting from the smallest degree of relief or joy—I feel that I’ve explored more than enough of the opposite paths of poverty consciousness (especially the old and outdated belief that hard work pays, when it hasn’t throughout human history), being, believing, and doing what society says we should be, believe, and do, and so on and so forth.
I’m integrating the aspect of self/others that is called two-faced, not to condone it taking over the whole self, but to understand the beneficial side of it, and to use it when absolutely needed.
For instance, as a guest invited to someone’s home, we may not like a meal that they cooked, but we don’t have to tell them how we really feel about the food since they were kind enough to share their form of love with us.
Some people may not consider this “white lie” being two-faced, but if we’re honest with ourselves, it’s still a small degree of being two-faced nonetheless since we’re pretending that we like something that we truly don’t.
It’s also beneficial for us to realize that it’s not needed to misuse or abuse the aspect of being two-faced by habitually living with a mask on (a facade) and misleading, deceiving, manipulating, taking advantage of, abusing, betraying, and/or controlling self/others.
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