I chose the title, “The Benefit of Naturally Butting Heads” so that one doesn’t mistaken naturally triggering one another’s hurt energy with intentionally trying to make another miserable by provoking them—basically starting an argument(s) just to be an ass.
This post has been birthed from a short section of one story—about SPC Amazon—from the post, “Outer Angels and Demons Reflecting All the Inner Ones” under the sub-title, “Losing Integrity to Discover Integrity Within.”
Note: Image on right found next to link => wildamerica.com (thank you)
The following section is that short part of the story that’s used as an intro to the new story:
Looking back, SPC Amazon had reflected back to me who I truly was (i.e., strong-willed, ambitious, and a highly sensitive soul disguised as a “tough girl”), as well as who I chose not to be (arrogant, extremely competitive, and disrespectful to others).
Someone (or some people) very close to SPC Amazon in her life had made her feel unworthy at some point, and being the highly sensitive being that she was, it hurt her deeply.
Therefore, she was determined to prove to that person and the world that she mattered by excelling at pretty much anything and everything that she could get her hands on.
Note: Image on left found next to link => www.thinkinghumanity.com (thank you)
How do I know this? Because, by expanding my perspective and digging deeper into my heart space, I come to a realization that that aspect of SPC Amazon was also me.
I had also written about another soldier of mine who had reflected back to me unknown/shadow aspects of myself int the post, “United Kingdoms of Unconditional Love,” under the sub-title, “Teacher and Student to One Another.”
And when I expand my consciousness out further—seeing with clarity all “others” as extensions of my Expanded SELF/my Universe within—I’m able to see with clarity why even my teenage daughter, whom I don’t currently live with, is also a mirror image (behavior-wise) of SPC Amazon and I, reflecting all the “positive” qualities and “negative” characteristics mentioned above. See soon to be published post, “The Benefit of Naturally Butting Heads.”
Note: Image on right found next to link => www.renemendez.com/Image title “Galaxy” (thank you)
Birth of This Story
Note: About three quarters of the way down the post, I started inserting angel numbers (1:11-5:55) after related sentences as a helpful reminder to those of us who currently experience/have experienced/or may soon experience them.
The very helpful website, Angel Numbers – Joanne Sacred Scribes—an outer reflection/teaching of my/our soul’s inner knowing—is a guidance tool that I often use whenever I experience seeing certain number sequences throughout the day.
However, I’m continuing to work on following my intuition (my inner guidance and inner-knowing) first and foremost, which I plan on mastering one day in this lifetime.
Afterall, I’ve learned (as a human being)/remembered (as a soul) that I absolutely love to be free/my soul’s essence (the less limits the better); hence, I don’t resonate with certain messages from the website that come off as a tad bit pushy.
From an earthly point of view: By joining the Army and leaving my toddler kids with their father, I’m pretty sure that I hurt them deeply. I more than likely made them feel as though they were unworthy—that their own mother had basically abandoned them.
It’s always been difficult to have “the talk” with them—although I was able to squeeze in a mini version once—because I had always talked highly of their father in front of them (as well as in front of his current wife), even after were got a divorce.
So more than likely, my kids probably believe that I was the “bad” wife and parent who didn’t keep the family together. The truth is, nobody was “bad,” we were just in an unhealthy relationship—as wounded wounders—and weren’t able to help one another to heal and grow as souls.
Although I had asked my children to come live with me at my second duty station (where family members were allowed), when they were still little, it was too late.
They had already been living with their father for almost three years (all my training courses plus 20 months in Korea) at that point, and was very attached to him.
Unfortunately, since my first husband and I had been divorced for already a year at that point, I was unable to grant their wish of all of us living together.
I understand that teenagers are often labeled as having a lot of negative attitude due to their developing ego self—and only briefly being satisfied whenever there’s something exciting going on—but my current relationship with my kids is still my greatest challenge right now.
They’re amazing, well-rounded kids who often blow me away with their their big hearts, ways of living and Being, and many accomplishments.
So it breaks my heart whenever I hear how miserable they sound (quite often), or how highly irritable my daughter can be, but yet, they don’t want to talk about it, and would much rather give quick answers.
It’s hard not to take it personally because I often felt as though I had said or did something wrong—which I later realized was just how I was conditioned by my mother who had often blamed me for practically everything that went majorly wrong in her life due to her own suffering.
Anyone else who had treated me with habitual disrespect have all been released from my life—whether temporarily or permanently.
My son, who’s more laid-back, often replies with the unenthusiastic, “Sure” “Yeah” “Okay” “I guess” etc., although he’s more of a conversationalist when he’s a good mood, and can even be a great one.
And my daughter often passionately replies with, “I’m FINE!”, “Whatever!” “O-KAY!” “OH MY GOD!” “I don’t need a lecture” “I don’t care!” etc., although she, too, can be a great conversationalist whenever she’s in a good mood…like once in a blue moon.
I love to add humor to challenging moments of life, so I really enjoy watching the shows Modern Family and The Big Bang Theory (my favorite comedy shows), since they’re both highly creative and they include life lessons using humor.
My husband and I often find ourselves laughing a lot while watching them, which is good for the soul. Granted, we also make an effort to watch TV in moderation by only watching shows that really move us, uplift us, or stimulate us in some other major way.
In general, I noticed that the teenage kids from Modern Family, as lovable as they can be, often talk to their parents in a very disrespectful way, and it doesn’t even seem to faze the parents most of the time.
Granted, in one episode, the sad mom vented to the dad that she thinks that her oldest teenage daughter hates her because she basically seems as though she can’t stand her mother. I was able to relate to her because I often felt as though my teenage kids hated me.
I realize it’s just a TV show, but I wondered if the show was actually portraying modern family of today’s society pretty accurately.
When I asked my daughter if she talks to my ex-husband and his wife that way as well, she said that she did, and that they just yell back.
Imagining such moments was like watching some comedy scene. I’ve also experienced my husband’s tween and teenage kids—in post, “Transformation of the Children of the Corn“—as well as heard a few stories that teenagers are just that way these days.
In the show, The Big Bang Theory, Wolowitz and his mother often obnoxiously yell at one another during their conversations, and it’s hilarious.
So why is it hilarious if it’s someone else’s situation, but yet, sad when it’s happening to me? I realized that it’s a matter of one’s perspective.
I wondered, why is it that I find kids back-talking or arguing with their parents shocking, yet, amusing?
Well, I find it amusing because it would be like watching evil-looking aliens—dressed up in sparkling, rainbow-colored clothes—dancing in a silly manner.
It was foreign to me because my ego self (who was merely trying to protect me from experiencing disapproval from my parents and a major ass whooping) had always repressed or suppressed that side of me (my shadow self) who wanted to talk back or even yell back at my parents as a kid.
It was shocking to me (my ego self) because of the way I—and I’m sure many from my generation and before that—was brought up.
Back in the day, if one had ever talked to either one of their parents that way, they would probably end up getting hit on the head with a nearby object or end up flying across the room.
Throughout my childhood, I used to think it was only my mother and aunts who often went ape-shit over seemingly small things, and would whoop me and my cousins ass with whatever object(s) was in sight.
I trust that this type of soul training made my cousins and I very agile as we learned not to make the same mistakes twice, constantly be aware of our surroundings, take much initiative, be courteous toward people, do things in an quick manner, read people and act accordingly (e.g., don’t piss off a drunk person), etc.
One day, when I was a junior, a senior acquaintance—who, like me, had a Korean mother and a Cauasian father who adopted her—shared with me a funny story.
After the third time she pressed the snooze button, she said that her mother came storming into her room like a bat out of hell, grabbed the alarm clock, and then hit her over the head with it and yelled at her to wake her ass up.
I felt a little guilty for laughing at loud, but Danny thought it was funny as well. I recall a part of me feeling relieved, probably because she helped me to see a crazy-ass situation from a humorous point of view.
I was influenced by Korean culture, where you—as a kid or an adult—do not disrespect your parents, or anyone else who’s older than you…EVER.
Granted, even the older generations of Korea can’t believe how spoiled kids in general are these days, and how the trend was (or continues to be) that adults now speak formally (rather than informally) to their little kids.
My mother once said sarcastically after sharing such information with me, “Oh yeah! What a great idea! Parents should kiss their kids’ ass until they become spoiled rotten!”
I recall thinking something to the effect, “There’s gotta be a peaceful and happy middle ground between my mother’s generation and this generation.”
Almost every time my husband and I go grocery shopping, I get to witness a very spoiled child throwing a major fit—to include demanding, yelling, screaming, hitting their parent, stomping, throwing themselves on the floor—just because they didn’t get what they wanted. I feel bad for the parent(s) because they look very uncomfortable.
However, when I choose to expand my perspective, I realize that the little brats are all merely my shadows (reflections of my shadow self) finally surfacing from deep within me—after being repressed and suppressed for so long—and playing the “pain in the ass kid” in my outer reality to be noticed (with awareness), recognized (as something familiar), acknowledged (as an aspect of me), accepted (as the process of Life playing itself out), embraced (as part of whole soul rather than judged), healed (from having been rejected), and transmuted (raising my shadow self’s vibrational frequency to its natural higher energy state/its essence).
Once, I saw a little boy, who looked about five years old, shout to his mother at the grocery store parking lot, “Shut up!” as he pointed his finger to her. I had mixed thoughts and feelings of, “Oh, you did not just go there little turd” with “but that was so cute though.”
Looking back, since our outer reality reflects our inner reality, that scene was merely a replay of what had happened before I joined the Army.
Once, my four-year old daughter stood up on a chair and shouted to me while pointing her tiny finger at me, “Shut up!” I think my jaw dropped because I couldn’t believe she would go there, and at the same time, thought it was so cute.
I rushed over to her and slapped her bottom with a “No,” and she started crying. She had apparently learned that phrase from either me or my first husband during one of our arguments, and I felt guilty for setting such a bad example.
Countless times I used to wonder what would’ve happened had I not chosen to join the Army, not get a divorce, and live with my kids.
However, I always end up experiencing a silent reminder from the still voice within me that it was for the best for my children to not have grown up with a mother who had a lot of baggage of her own that needed much healing. Plus, both of my kids turned out great, and I’m very grateful for that.
Once, while visiting my tween kids during my Army leave (vacation time), they were acting mischievous like they often did to create a fun atmosphere.
They both have a great sense of humor and often made me laugh with their goofiness, funny dance moves, and smart-ass comments.
My son did this very unique dance move once, while a song was playing on the hotel radio, that I had never seen before. It was hands down the most hilarious dance move I had ever seen!
He can be shy at times, but whenever he’s in his highly creative zone (his talent), it’s as though something magical happens.
He made these very fluid dance movements with his entire body—along with a cross-eyed goofy expression—and used his hands and arms to express different parts of his body (i.e., chest and butt) expanding and contracting like boobs and butt water balloons or something.
My son managed to make all of us—my daughter, my current husband, and I—laugh, and we tried to talk him into video taping it, but his shy self came back and refused to give a full repeat performance, although we were able to get a mini version.
Once, when I was about to give me daughter a knuckle sandwich at a hotel that we were staying at for being a pain in the ass, she playfully shouted, “Child abuse!” and warned me that I had better back off because she had learned at school exactly what to do in such situations, and that she had no problem shouting again, but much louder.
I couldn’t help but to laugh, as well as be in awe with how incredibly smart she is.
At that moment, I was also grateful that I never had to find out if I would’ve turned out like my physically, verbally and emotionally abusive mother since both genetic and environment makeup supposedly influence one’s behavior.
However, when my tween kids came to my home for a visit at a later time, I had an opportunity to see how my conditioning since childhood negatively affected my kids.
Once, I saw my son throw a rag into the hamper with some clothes in it. I gently slapped him behind the back of his head and asked him what he was doing putting a dirty rag with the clothes.
To my great surprise, he looked scared and said he was sorry in a tone that sounded as though he was about to cry. I felt so bad. When I turned around, my teenage daughter was standing nearby just glaring at me.
I felt so ashamed that I had overreacted to a situation that wasn’t a big deal. It was just a rag thrown into a pile of dirty clothes. Growing up, my mother kept everything spotless, and she would get upset with me even if she found a few pieces of hair on my bedroom.
I realized shortly after that moment that my kids were indeed better off not having to live with me. I may desperately want to believe that I would never be abusive to my kids, the way my own mother was to me, but who knows?
I’m pretty sure my own mother didn’t start beating the crap out of me at the very beginning of the abuse cycle. It more than likely started with a knuckle sandwich, or a gentle slap upside the head, and then escalated into an uncontrollable rage monster.
I sense that I would’ve made my kids lives very difficult with my many conditioned set ways that I was just beginning to learn to release as an adult in her late thirties.
For the longest times, I was unable to forgive myself for continuing to be a disappointment to my kids, and seemingly ruining my chances to make up to them all the times we had lost.
Due to such a deep, fear-based belief, that I wasn’t able to let go of yet, I continued to experience my own version of misery—my outer parallel reality matching my vibrational frequency that dropped—whenever I was about to call my kids with much anxiety. Angel Number 111: Be Aware/Pay Attention/Energetic gateway opened/Thoughts manifesting rapidly/Think positive thoughts to create positive emotions in order to raise vibrational frequency and tune into matching frequency (positive reality)/Choose thoughts wisely)
Recently, during our phone conversation, something different happened—a sign of more major changes occurring in my life (Angel Number 555: Releasing old doubts, guilt, shame, worries, regrets, and other fears that no longer positively serves individual and collective soul growth in order to be replaced by new and highly beneficial energies/Divinely inspired and guided major life changes/Preparation for full alignment with Divine life purpose and soul mission). I basically told my daughter that it was just too much for her to be that rude practically every time we talked.
I’m usually very understanding with them—more than anyone else in my entire life—and sometimes, even jokingly making feisty cat sounds whenever my daughter sounds highly irritated, in an effort to make her at least cheer up a little; but I haven’t exactly been successful yet.
Because I wasn’t feeling physically well that day—due to mild flu symptoms that I haven’t experienced for almost three years—I reacted as my fearful ego self, rather than respond as my unconditionally loving Higher Self.
Wow, right after I read the sentence above twice, I realized that I had it reversed, thanks to my Higher Self communicating this wisdom to me through my intuition.
I had been reacting as my fearful ego self most of the time I talked to my kids while feeling anxious (since anxiety stems from fear energy); and that particular day, I was actually responding—with assertiveness—as my Higher Self; hence, I surprised myself and even experienced a different (i.e., gentle) response from my daughter.
I read a while back that we, humans, often times express ourselves more freely (especially our negative emotions) to those we feel the most comfortable with, closest to, or even just the fact that they’re family members, because we feel safe and confident that our loved ones will continue to love us unconditionally.
I get that; I catch myself every now and then talking to my husband in a manner in which I wouldn’t talk to anyone else—which I’m working on releasing.
And more than likely, my kids are merely reflecting back to me my own negative energy still stored within me (that needs to be released) since like attracts like (Law of Attraction).
However COMMA one can only take being someone’s punching bag for so long and so often—even if it’s one’s daughter and/or son or other cranky family member.
I temporarily stopped communicating with my own mother almost a year ago because she just wouldn’t stop being so verbally and emotionally abusive practically every time I called, even after I talked to her about it. I later realized that my mother was merely reflecting back to me my own lack of self-respect and self-love.
I learned/remembered in my early forties (better late than never) to really start applying the teachings of having self-respect, self-compassion and unconditional love for self into my life, as well as honor my feelings.
Because until we fully and unconditionally love ourselves, we won’t be able to fully and unconditionally love others, no matter how much we try to convince ourselves.
When we allow others to habitually disrespect us, we become doormats; and no matter how much we love them, we’re not doing them a favor (with their own soul growth) as well by accepting such unloving energies.
I noticed that I have no problem asserting myself with anyone else, but when it comes to my own children, I often find myself being passive—just taking their major attitude back-to-back most of the time we communicate.
I realized that this stems from my deep fear-based beliefs that I deserve to be treated with disrespect by my children since I wasn’t there for them most of their lives ever since I joined the Army—except for annual visits during my leave.
I’ve decided to add to my daily, powerful intention statements, “My intention is to release this old belief—that I deserve to be treated with disrespect from my own kids—since it no longer positively serves my individual and collective soul growth. “
I assertively told my daughter how I felt in a tone that I rarely use on her, and that we would talk again when she was in a better mood.
I felt bad after the very brief conversation because when she replied, “Okay,” it wasn’t her usual snotty tone, but a gentle and soft one…as though she was about to cry.
Right after the phone call, after sitting on the couch with tears rolling down my face, my Higher Self reminded me of something with a gentle loving feeling in my heart space. Angel Number 444: Support, guidance and loving energies from angelic realm/Release fear to be transmuted and healed by the angels/Trust process of Life and confidently know that everything happens in Divine perfect timing and order/”All is well”
I was reminded of what I had been writing about a lot lately—that, sometimes, when we souls get involved in all this earthly drama/situations that we judge as “negative,” we actually help trigger one another’s hurt energy stored deep within our DNA from this lifetime and past lifetimes, which helps us to release (e.g., through crying) some (or even all at one miraculous point) of the built-up hurt energy so that we can heal, integrate (various aspects of ourselves: both “positive” and “negative” since “negative” energy also has its benefits and power when balanced) and Be balanced, whole souls. Angel Number 333: Ascended Masters Assistance and Guidance with Divine Life Purpose/Soul Mission/Wisdom/Faith in Humanity and Universal Energies
Otherwise, those of us with some stubbornness in us (our ego self)—trying so hard to maintain a strong or even tough exterior—will continue to suppress our so-called “negative” feelings of hurt, sadness, resentment, anger, etc.
However, anything that continues to get built up in such a manner will eventually become a massive volcano exploding fiery lava ready to consume and annihilate anything that it touches.
It didn’t occur to me until after I read the following paragraph (already mentioned above) twice—in order to gain a deeper understanding of it—that this paragraph of wisdom can also be applied to my teenage kids, and not just to the spoiled kids that I was talking about above:
REPEATED PARAGRAPH: However, when I choose to expand my perspective, I realize that the little brats are all merely my shadows (reflections of my shadow self) finally surfacing from deep within me—after being repressed and suppressed for so long—and playing the roles of “pain in the ass kids” in my outer reality to be noticed (with awareness), recognized (as something familiar), acknowledged (as an aspect of me), accepted (as the process of Life playing itself out), embraced (as part of whole soul rather than judged), healed (from having been rejected), and transmuted (raising my shadow self’s vibrational frequency to its natural higher energy state/its essence).
REVISED PARAGRAPH: However, when I choose to expand my perspective, I realize that my often cranky and sometimes disrespectful teenage kids are all merely my shadows (reflections of my shadow self) finally surfacing from deep within me—after being repressed and suppressed for so long—and playing the roles of “teenagers with negative attitudes” in my outer reality to be noticed (with awareness), recognized (as something familiar), acknowledged (as an aspect of me), accepted (as the process of Life playing itself out), embraced (as part of whole soul rather than judged), healed (from having been rejected), and transmuted (raising my shadow self’s vibrational frequency to its natural higher energy state/its essence). Angel Number 333 (Ascended Masters Assistance and Guidance with Divine Life Purpose/Soul Mission/Wisdom/Faith in Humanity and Universal Energies)
Therefore, by healing and integrating my shadow self, as well as my ego self, I’m able to accept and love myself unconditionally even more so, and vice versa.
An example of vice versa—of accepting and loving myself unconditionally in order to heal and integrate my shadow self, as well as my ego self—is as follows:
If I don’t feel like being very understanding and taking any disrespect from anyone in whatever Moment of Now, to include from my kids, then so be it.
I will then choose to Be assertive—the “I respect you and I also respect me” communication style—and not feel guilty about it (Angel Number 222: Balance (Be Neutral/”Be in this world, but not of it”/Faith/Harmony/Peace). And the more I’m able to accept and love myself unconditionally, the more fully I’m able to accept and love so-called “others” unconditionally as well.
Thank you Higher Self and all other extensions of Divinity within me for wisdom and inner-peace.
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I had also written about another soldier of mine who had reflected back to me unknown/shadow aspects of myself int the post, “United Kingdoms of Unconditional Love,” under the sub-title, “Teacher and Student to One Another.”
Like me (and my emotionally unavailable parents), SGT V wanted to prove to his mother and the rest of the world, that he could become successful and happy without the love and support of a parent.
It was our way of shouting from a shattered heart, “See! I did just fine without your love! As a matter of fact, I did more than fine! I excelled at everything I set my heart on!”
I believe the absence of a parent(s)’s unconditional love can be the most heart-wrenching experience; however, it can also be a blessing in disguise for our individual and collective soul growth.
Though we may feel that we’ve been deprived of something special, if we follow our hearts, we will eventually find at the end of the rainbow something much more valuable—profound character, expanded and expanding heart, the ability to understand self and others at a deep level, courage, inner-strength, perseverance, resilience, deep compassion for self and others, priceless wisdom, fearlessness, and unconditional love for self and others that’s within each of us (our Heavenly Mother and Father).
Note: Thank you www.deviantart.com and www.daleoshields.com for images on right and left above.
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Added November 12, 2014
The following italicized sections from the reading, “The Energies of November 2014” helped me to realize that the month of October and November was/is indeed focused on healthy boundaries and releasing what no longer serves my empowerment (part of my individual and collective soul growth/evolution):
“October and November feel a bit similar, with a little less intensity in November. Whew! October had the energy of focusing on healthy boundaries and releasing what is no longer serving your empowerment. The awesome astrology brought up some great energy for release as we compounded intense moon energy, powerful sun energy and a double whammy of eclipse energy in a mercury retrograde soup! You may have noticed patterns, people or beliefs coming up for review and release in October. Better out than in!
November will have a similar feel of boundaries, change and empowerment – though not quite as intense as October. November will have less of a feeling of saying no (letting go) and more of a focus on, “Yes! This is what I want to create!”[…]”
