This morning, I enjoyed a very helpful YouTube video by Lee Harris titled, “May 2020 Energy Update.”
One of the highly beneficial themes includes: the noticing, recognizing, acknowledging, embracing, integrating, healing and transforming of one of the unhealthy aspects of our whole selves (to varying degrees) that is known as the ‘people pleaser’.
This neutral aspect—that is neither right or wrong, good or bad, light or dark, etc.—has a tendency to go overboard when it comes to: doing one’s best to keep the atmosphere harmonious, not wanting to shake things up, wanting everyone to feel peaceful, neglecting self’s needs, wants, desires, and preferences, etc.).
And though I’ve played out this aspect in the past before, I wasn’t exactly aware of it most of the time.
And when I became aware of it, I then felt embarrassed and even ashamed of myself for having been so inauthentic (to myself and others); and in worst case scenarios, basically being a subtle ass kisser at times (which I judged as sad when I noticed the obvious version in others).
However, when I expand my perspective, I can have deep compassion for this once lost, ‘people pleaser’ aspect of whole self who only wanted to:
- experience a harmonious environment, since I grew up in a mostly chaotic environment
- keep my true thoughts and feelings to self at times, since expressing the truths would get me into a lot of trouble (to include severe criticism and beatings growing up, and disapproval and criticism during adulthood )
- minimize my own needs, wants, desires, and preferences—while placing more importance on others’ needs, wants, desires, and preferences—since that’s what I was used to throughout childhood, and choosing to do so myself throughout adulthood probably helped me to feel a little less powerless (only from a limited perspective)
- help those around me to be at ease (feel more at peace), since it was safer that way.
- Throughout childhood, when my parents became angry or upset—especially my deeply wounded, alcoholic mother—all hell broke lose.
- During adulthood, while I was pregnant with my first child, one of my cousins reached her max limit of being very upset, so she drank three bottles of soju, jumped off a 10 story condo, busted her head open, and passed away.
- However, I like to remind self of the wonderful memories of my cousin, to include my last interaction with her when my first husband and I visited Korea. Her English was so great that she was able to have a comfortable conversation with my husband. She excitedly shared various stories and helpful knowledge (since she was super smart), and even told us how much she loved pizza, so we ordered some.
- At my last unit, when one of the very young, former soldiers within my company became very upset, he shot himself in the mouth with a rifle, though I wasn’t at this particular deployment to help him in any way due to being in therapy for my own issues at the time, shared in post “Discovering the Beauty Behind the Walls of the Mentally Ill (Part I of II)” (the beginning of healing that later becomes deep healing during solitude; I feel that it’s healthy to balance solitude with connection to community, and one is not more important than another, just like the mind and heart).
- Like I did with my cousin—and others who have passed away—I’ve chosen to treasure our last, memorable interaction together. Our company was returning from a fire range in 2009, and this young soldier was sharing his personal stories with soldiers from back of the bus. He had been dating older women, so I jokingly asked, “So you like cougars, eh?” to which he shyly replied, “Yes Sergeant,” while chuckling so adorably (he looked like he was 12).
- And I’ve already shared other example stories within this blog of why I care more than the average person when I happen to see others not well, though I can let go of this fear now and simply allow Life to BE.
The above video also reminded me of one of the noticeable changes in my life, especially during this year of 2020.
This past February, my husband’s coworker invited me to a baby shower, which I initially and immediately agreed to out of habit.
However, as I sat in my own space, I noticed how I actually felt; and the truth was, I didn’t feel like going.
Though my relationship with these female acquaintances—who were each others’ friends, and that I would be interacting with at the baby shower—started out fine, it turned south after a certain period, for a reason unknown to me.
Though I hardly ever see them—besides my husband’s annual Christmas party and other sporadic, brief encounters—I noticed a few series of experiences that felt off.
Even the receptionist, who was the friendliest of the small group of women, suddenly became somewhat distant towards me.
And I then strongly sensed that all those quick, half-smiles, as well as whispering, that I had experienced at least a few times from the other female employees, had eventually influenced even the sweetest of the group.
By the way, I’m very familiar with the quick, half-smiles, and my naive self in the past used to approach such women and ask if there was something that was bothering them, and I would get the, “Everything’s fine!” answer that also came with an exaggerated, fake smile. So I let it go.
Regardless of how many times I have such experiences that feels non-inclusive, I noticed that it can still hurt my feelings at times, because I could subtly, yet, keenly sense the unspoken, non-verbal cues that was going on (due to being ultra sensitive).
However, rather than be concerned with, or even worried about, how others (whom I barely know) may be judging me for whatever reasons—that they don’t care to honestly express—I decided to no longer go out of my way for any of them, to include sharing Korean food that I sometimes make in bulk (i.e., japchae, mandu, and kimbop).
Perhaps they thought I was kissing their ass, when I just wanted to share with them the abundance that I had.
As I’ve shared stories within this blog, one of the positive qualities that I love about my mother—despite her mostly negative ways of being—is that she was so generous when it came to sharing food with her neighbors (and she did it so joyfully).
But then again, when I was in the Army, I overheard one of my female coworkers make a snide comment—that she didn’t think I heard—basically telling another soldier that I was trying to win a popularity contest with my soldiers by baking and decorating cakes for them on their birthdays, along with arranging potlucks that other soldiers participated in (that everyone seemed to enjoy as well).
But like I already shared in details within this blog a while back, she didn’t know me like that, though she believed she did.
But Jill’s opinion meant very little to me—though it wasn’t music to my ears to hear her unkind words—because she was known as a major gossiper within our unit, often talking bad about everyone and their mamas and grandmamas any chance she had.
I did what I did because I had experienced not having my birthdays even acknowledged at times during childhood, let alone celebrated.
However, Spirit later gifted me the opportunity to experience the contrast of those hurtful experiences—my summer hire boss and coworkers threw me a completely unexpected, surprise birthday party (shared in post, “Tears of Joy”).
So just in case I had soldiers whose family and/or friends didn’t remember their birthdays, I desired to do my best to make it a truly happy birthday for them; and I even had everyone pass around and sign a birthday card.
And to my delightful surprise, I’ve had the golden opportunity to witness many smiles, laughter, and even tears of joy from others over the years.
So regardless of what others judged, I continued to simply Be me.
When my husband told me how much certain coworkers (mostly females) loved certain foods, and looked forward to the next batch, I was excited to share with them whenever I felt like making more than enough for a small group to share.
Granted, all of them were basically takers—-and only the receptionist shared back at times as well—but I didn’t think it was a big deal at the time since 1) I wasn’t giving to receive, and 2) I’ve learned that unconditional love doesn’t expect anything in return.
This is true in a sense, however, I now realized that an authentic, healthy, and kind relationship is a two-way street—though not 50/50 or even keeping tabs, but an overall balance, ebb and flow—and the unhealthy relationship is where one person does all the giving/sharing (e.g., one’s time, energy, full presence, thoughtfulness, attention, unconditional love, material stuff, etc.) while the other does all the taking (while not giving).
And we all deserve healthy, loving relationships that aren’t habitually one-sided, though it can be at times (and that’s understandable).
In the post series, “Choosing To Be My Own Best Friend,” I shared stories of how I learned to have healthier boundaries with a friend who was mostly a taker (because I had allowed it).
In the post, “Jung: A Spiritual Reconnection Between Souls,” I mentioned how one can share something tiny, such as a piece of candy, and it can help develop a bond, a heartfelt connection between two souls.
Because it’s not about the actual “material” (or non-material) thing that’s being exchanged, but the intention and genuine feeling of desiring to connect that matters.
For whatever reason, photos of me were deleted from the above post, so I will reinsert them at a later time when I find them.
There’s one of the pics with me and the orphanage children in this category page, “A Message for My Inner-Child and Interconnected Soul Families.” (Note: I just noticed that some of the personal pics that I had shared in this page a while back has been re-positioned for whatever reason, which I will fix soon)
Throughout childhood, I’ve heard certain Korean people—and not just my mother and relatives—say that Americans have no jung, and I wondered why.
Though there was some truth to this belief (like all generalizations), it wasn’t completely true, since I have known some very generous souls who happen to be American.
Some example stories shared in post “The Priceless Gifts from the Queen of the Happy Dance! ^_^” (Generosity and CRAZIness), as well as my husband’s male coworker (who also happens to be gay, magnetic, humorous, FUN, thoughtful, deeply compassionate towards animals, and super generous); so it all depends on each soul regardless of their earthly backgrounds.
We can only generously give to others what we believe we already have an abundance of from within, especially unlimited, Unconditional Love.
Anyway, after honoring my true feelings, I informed one of my husband’s coworker—who was setting up the baby shower—that I decided not to go, though I would have my husband bring by the gifts to the office.
And when I selected the gifts, I simply thought of the innocent, unborn baby, and the things that might feel good, and be useful, for the baby to experience—like super soft, 100% Egyptian cotton pajamas, organic bamboo multi-use blankets, a huge case of good quality diapers, and a huge case of wipes.
The old me would’ve attended the baby shower—without listening to my inner guidance—since it’s the “right”/good/polite/loving thing to do according to the society-conditioned, individual and collective ego self.
However, the new version of self—which is continuing to explore, experience, enjoy, learn, grow, expand, transform, renew, reinvent, and refresh—has no doubt that unconditionally loving whole self, and being authentic, is the most loving thing to do.
Because we cannot truly and fully give to others from a cup that is not full or overflowing.
I will go with flow, but I have a gut feeling that I won’t be attending my husband’s annual Christmas party either; but we’ll see.
I’ve decided to practice more than ever before…simply Being, living, and doing whatever FEELS light to me, and continuing to LET GO of EVERYTHING that no longer:
- serves whole self/Self (to include Soul/Spirit within)
- benefits me
- makes me happy
Lee also shared this quote (TWICE) within his video (mentioned on top)—“This is not the time to be nice over being truthful”—which I was instantly reminded of when I came upon the next experience below.
This morning, I read a newsletter email that I received from Teal Swan and her team yesterday morning, since it was apparently National Honesty Day (that I wasn’t aware of).
Below is the copy and pasted message (a great reminder for us all), followed by my reply (a great reminder for us all as well):
Hi Barbara,
Today is National Honesty Day…
But, it’s important to dissect ‘honesty’ and what it really means.
First of all, know that speaking your truth is important. It’s how everyone should live and be brave enough to practice it.
But for many, being honest means they have free reign to say whatever they want even if it means hurting others.
They’re wrong.
Today, we want to let Teal powerfully explain the dynamic of honesty and how to be truthful in a way that benefits everyone.
Below is one of Teal’s most popular and eye-opening videos about the difference between being authentic and being a full-on asshole.
It may be difficult to watch…[I already watched this video a while back]
Especially if you discover that you were using your honesty in a way that actually spread negativity. But, it’s an important lesson that everyone should learn, especially on a day like National Honesty Day.
My reply to the above newsletter email, with additional info within brackets (that I didn’t think to type until afterwards):
Thank you for sharing a great reminder message. I, too, would like to share a great reminder as well.
It’s very effective to often practice what we preach.
Because if a YouTube video message expresses one thing, but then certain expressions at an event reveals the opposite, then the original messages become questionable.
For example, if one has a strong, fear-based, not completely accurate, false belief that “every female who isn’t hot or butt-ass ugly can’t be trusted [due to being very dangerous]” (exact words of Teal), one can express that in a more tactful, respectful, and compassionate way.
Why? Because…:
- most females aren’t as HOT as Teal Swan [and just because they’re hot, doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not dangerous or dangerous; and hence, can be trusted or not]
- those who consider themselves ugly probably don’t like being reminded that they’re “BUTT-ASS UGLY” [and just because they’re ugly, doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not dangerous or dangerous; and hence, can be trusted or not]
- and those who consider themselves “in-between” looking should not have to feel as though they’re not trustworthy [or that they are dangerous] based on physical appearance (which seems like a shallow perspective that wouldn’t be taught by someone like Teal).
In addition, when a very influential spiritual teacher says something like that, it can create more separation than unity.
Narrow-minded and closed-hearted females can go through the rest of their lives believing that they can’t trust mediocre looking females [and not even give them a chance] since Teal Swan said so, which is riDONKulous, is it not?
I highly respect and admire many aspects of Teal, but it might behoove her and her team to be more cognizant of HOW her expressions can be a bit rough on the edges at times (and that’s not just one person’s opinion, since others at the event have expressed their frustrations about a few of the crazyass things Teal said as well).
I hope she didn’t continue sharing such non-beneficial teachings during the events after that one.
Sometimes, we just need to check ourselves as well.
Barbara
[ The following is the related section from post dated 11/25/2018, “Strange Observations and Feelings About Teal Swan, Her Team Members, The Mirror Event, & Her Tribe“:
Though there were some positive moments, there were also some unhealthy moments where Teal upset some people by the following things she said and did, and even didn’t do:
– Teal said that females who aren’t in the category of hot or butt@$$ ugly—basically, somewhere inbetween, which many females probably are—are very dangerous; hence, Teal doesn’t trust them. This is a very dangerous and not necessarily accurate message to teach since it creates separation among people rather than unity.
– Teal said that if you spend time alone, and don’t hurry up and form relationships—with the strangers at the event or just about anyone—you could end up spending the rest of your life alone [projecting her own deepest fear]. One of the event members had just left two, abusive relationships prior to this event—an emotionally unavailable boyfriend and a very manipulative and controlling mother—so hearing Teal say this really upset her, and she didn’t show up for Day 3 of the event.
– Teal demanded in a serious tone (and facial expression), “Don’t listen to any other spiritual teachers,” which contradicts what she shared in at least one of her videos
– When Teal approached one of our groups, she walked up to a couple, stared at the woman (wife) with a serious facial expression, and then turned to the woman’s husband and gently held his hand for a couple of minutes while looking into his eyes in a soft manner; this was an awkward experience
– one of Teal’s team members (the Latino female) claimed that everyone in our group had certain thoughts and beliefs that were the exact same, and that we didn’t care about our inner child, which wasn’t true; and I called her out because I refused to allow her force her own beliefs onto me, especially since I’ve been doing inner-child work for years prior to the event, and the event itself was meant to be a free-spirited, fun trip
– On the second day of this event, everyone at the event (except Teal Swan) went on a two-hour walk at Central Park, followed by a three-hour lunch break (so 5 hours on Day 2 of the event WITHOUT Teal Swan is a lot, considering she’s the person everyone paid a lot of money to go see). ]
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Right after sending the above reply email, I received an automated message basically stating that I more than likely won’t receive a reply any time soon due to the high volume of emails, which is completely understandable.
While typing away in this post, I received an insight that I had opportunities to express my true thoughts and feelings at this event, but I gave up raising my hand after not being selected a few times (thinking that it wasn’t meant to be).
If I was REALLY passionate about what Teal had said, that I (and some others) felt were NOT beneficial, then I had the choice to be persistent, and raise my hand every single time an opportunity presented itself.
However, to be transparently honest—since honesty is the topic of this post today—though I initially had the courage to speak up, that bonfire dwindled down to a candlelight, and then to remnants of a little smoke that gradually faded away.
Despite such moments where I didn’t have enough courage to speak up, I need to remember, and give myself much credit, for all the times that I did have immense courage.
I’ve noticed that throughout my adult life, I’ve gained a momentum of being able to speak whatever truths that needed to be shared in a very powerful way, especially during extremely challenging moments.
One of the example stories are in post, “Embracing a Setback to Set Forward” (so-called failures in life—all stepping stones of success), where I chose to boldly share some truths in a large room full of interrogator instructors and higher leadership (both military and civilian).
That was probably HANDS DOWN, THE MOST, intimidating meeting room experience I ever had.
However COMMA I’m so grateful that I had the courage to freely and fully express—after following my inner guidance of the usual intense energies within my heart and throat chakra areas—because it had an unexpected, amazing effect.
So I’m reminded that it’s okay to fall at times, so long as we remember to bounce back and carry on (like the Irish like to say) Being and doing all that we are/I AM/via I (God) AM (Goddess) Presence within—the so-called wrong and right, bad and good, dark and light, etc.,—and to remember to embrace this in interconnected others as well.
Therefore, despite Teal having shared some information in the past that didn’t feel light/right/true, I’m grateful for all the very helpful information (Light) and Unconditional Love that she has generously shared with humanity and beyond.
My favorite videos of her are actually her earlier ones—though I still enjoy some of her current ones as well––to include but not limited to: how to meet your needs, how to be authentic, how to trust self, how to love self unconditionally, etc.
And I feel the same way about all the other spiritual teachers I’ve mentioned within this blog.
I may not resonate with everything they are, say, do, and teach, but at the end of the day, I deeply appreciate all of their precious existence; and this applies to all souls—whom we are a student and teacher to one another throughout many earthly and otherworldly lifetimes.
As a matter of fact, this thought popped into my awareness recently, that it would seem so perfect if the aspects of Abraham-Hicks (who can seem overly positive at times, not wanting to deal with any natural, negative thoughts and emotions) merged with the aspects of Teal Swan (who can seem more negative and ironically judgmental at times, especially the last couple of years).
I’m going to continue adding insights to the previous post, “Not Mind OR Heart, But Amazing Powerful Unstoppable Team of Integrated Mind/Heart,” but another time since this post is enough for now.
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