WARNING: This post is very long, and is not meant to satisfy those who are busily drawn to the instant gratification way of life in today’s society.

I realize that experts in the writing field highly recommend that bloggers create very short posts in order to grab and maintain the attention of their audience.

However, just as short writings have their purpose and effectiveness, so do stories about humanity that are amazingly interconnected in the Divine Plan.

For instance, it’s one thing to preach to another not to judge others, to forgive others unconditionally, and to love one’s enemies unconditionally, but it’s quite another ballgame to show another how to do so from personal experiences.

There are countless short readings out there— especially on the internet—that provide a plethora of data and instructions on how to survive (rather than live), how to be (rather than Be) a certain way, as well as keep very busy in this highly materialistic and technology-based world.

Note: Image on right found next to link => www.deviantart.com/The implosion in your soul by DiosaLuminosa (thank you)

I, like many others, share my blog in a free and public space just in case so-called others (my soul brothers and sisters of Divine Spirit/All That Is—ultimately extensions of my Expanded Self/the Universe within me) happen to cross paths with this consolidated message, and can also benefit from all the wisdom that I’ve collected so far from my interactions with a rainbow of souls on planet Earth—who revealed to me, as outer reflections, who I’m not (my fearful ego self) as well as who I truly am: my Higher Self/healed and integrated Soul/Divine Presence within.

The bullets below are subtitles to a series of some thought-provoking, true stories that are Divinely interconnected in this intricate web of Life.

The stories are meant to help us to see not only from the fearful ego self’s limited perspective—who likes to blame others for life’s sufferings—but also from the broader, unconditionally loving perspective (expanded consciousness) of the Divine Presence within all of us—who’s willing to look and change within through an implosion of self/SELF. 😉

Note: Image on left found next to link -> dream1dreamer.wordpress.com (thank you)

Note: This post can be read as a continuation from the post, “Realization and Transmutation of the Intense Hatred Energy Within,” or, read by itself.

The following are subtitles to the main title of this post:

• Intro
• Losing Integrity to Discover Integrity Within
• Humiliation Leading to Inner-Wisdom
• The Only Truths That Matter
• Embracing Emotional Immaturity
• A Glimpse Behind the So-Called Lustful Affair
• The Free Prisoner of Hatred Within
• Embracing a Shadow to Heal Shadow Self
• Becoming The Other Woman to Forgive The Other Women
• The Most Challenging So-called Enemy to Forgive
• Better Understanding the Prisoner of Hatred Within
• Observations of a Shadow to Better Understand Shadow Self

1. Lack of Technical Skills: Language Barrier
2. Lack of Self-Esteem: Ugliness
3. Absence of Leadership Skills: Taking Advantage of a Soldier
4. Lack of Tactical Skills: The Drama Convoy Mission
5. Lack of Intuitive Skills: Quick to Judge
6. Lack of People Skills: Gossiping vs Talking
7. Leadership Position vs Leadership Actions
8. Lack of Teamwork: The Grown-ass Bully

• The Irony of Another’s Judgment and Hatred
• Shadow Self Showing Up in Another
• Soldiers with Earthly Label “Stripes for Skills”
• Observations of Language Skills
• Deeply Understanding the Shadow of Teamwork
• Learning/Remembering to Validate Self
• Being Rather than Just being a Leader
• Conclusion of One’s Skill-Set
• Reconnecting with Jesus’ Profound Teachings from Our Integrated Mind/Heart
• Insights from the Book, Bringers of the Dawn: Teachings from the Pleiadians
• A Brief Message to My Former Enemies

Note: Image on right above found next to links => 1st one next to bullets) www.jonpaulgallery.com ;2nd one) thediscerningphotographer.com; 3rd one) boralginmages.appspot.com (thank you)

Intro

The following is a quoted section of the reading, “Looking Inward for Peace,” which highly resonates with me:

“There is a chance that that inward journey will bring you face-to-face with the shadows that slink in your soul. Do not be afraid … bring those shadows into the light of your awareness and they will change into a roadmap to the most rewarding journey of your life.

I have walked that shadowed road for over twenty years and through it all I have clung to one fact: no matter what it cost me emotionally, physically and spiritually, I gathered my courage and turned my gaze inward to stare down my inner shadows. In doing so, I found that this sad and painful road I’ve travelled has also brought me immeasurable gifts […]”

Note: Image on left above found next to link for quoted paragraphs above => www.judycroome.com (thank you)

After typing the following three italicized paragraphs below—from the last post, “Realization and Transmutation of the Intense Hatred Energy Within“—I received insights from my Higher Self that started with the first sub-title of this post, “Losing Integrity to Discover Integrity Within”; one insight led to another, and the next thing you know…this post was birthed:

I had friends come and go, and yes, some even used me for whatever reasons, to include borrowing money, in which they had no intention to pay back.

I also had two boyfriends who lied and cheated on me, and eventually a first husband who had a one week affair while deployed to the Philippines. After a year of trying to repair the marriage, I ended up joining the Army, and then getting divorced around another year later.

From that moment on, I didn’t care to be the “good girl/woman” that society said I should be. I went out and had my fair share of one night stands, and even affairs with a few married men. My attitude was, “I can play this game too world, and I’m going to show you how it’s really done.”

Note: Image on left found next to link => wallpaperswide.com (thank you) 

Losing Integrity to Discover Integrity Within

I ended up becoming a wounded wounder myself, which I found out I didn’t like because I ended up hurting another.

The woman shared with me—toward the end of our brief encounter—that she had always known that her husband had cheated on her with other women, but she was never able to catch him in the act.

Looking back, I now understand why I had I crossed paths with him (the woman’s husband/Staff Sergeant/SSG Fox/ had an affair with him, and then eventually reported him.

Note: Image on right found next to link =>www.ghulmil.com (thank you)

Rewinding prior to my brief conversation with that woman: my life felt as though a raging tornado swept through and annihilated everything in sight.

First, I found out from one of the lower-enlisted male soldiers that SSG Fox (who later became my platoon sergeant) had bragged to a group of them the details of him having sex with me, to include the analogy of me being like some Chinese tool that squeezes hard (the name escapes me).

As soon as I heard that, a volcano erupted from within me that had been dormant in this lifetime, and more than likely many others. I had absolutely no intention for him to leave his family, and I had made it very clear to him, but I at least thought he respected me enough as a “friend (with benefits)” to keep the personal details of our relationship private.

Note: Image on left found next to link => wrecovery.com (thank you)

I immediately called him to confront him (reacting from fear) and yelled at the top of my lungs. He tried to calm me down, but I shouted whatever I felt needed to be expressed, and then hung up on him.

Of course, he denied everything, but I just sensed that he was full of it. After much bawling in my room and wondering how the hell I got myself into such a mess, I eventually fell asleep, and then went to work the next day as usual…like a zombie.

To my great surprise, while at the motorpool, a lower-enlisted female soldier, SPC  (Specialist) Amazon, started a conversation with a group of us soldiers that would end up opening a huge can of worms.

Note: Image on right found next to link =>rap.genius.com (thank you)

SPC Amazon was a high-speed, smart, extremely competitive and petite soldier (about 5′) who ended up growing on me despite her “holier than thou” attitude she had brought with her when she first arrived at our unit. 

One day, after all the drama between us was done and over the bridge, I saw her sprinting in the pouring rain on a weekend, which I’ve never seen any soldier do before. I was very impressed with her ambition, and I even asked her for advice on how to become a faster runner myself.

She more than willingly taught me about better ways to eat, hydrate, and train to achieve optimum performance. I then understood why she was the fastest female soldier I had ever known (despite her small size)—who ran an average of two miles in 13 minutes during Army Physical Fitness Tests, a time that most Military Intelligence (MI) guys couldn’t even match, as well as her 6’3″ non-MI boyfriend soldier who she challenged to a run.

Note: Image on left found next to link => deyvarah.deviantart.com/Pouring Rain by DeyVarah … (thank you)

Before the birth of our peaceful and harmonious relationship, SPC Amazon and I had to go through our storm.

SPC Amazon had set her mind that she didn’t have anything to learn from certain NCO’s, more than likely because she had made it well-known that she had graduated from a private Ivy League university; hence, carried the air of having figured out the meaning of life in her early twenties. Despite her beliefs, she ended up learning at least a few great lessons.

While preparing to head out for a field exercise one early morning, I noticed that SPC Amazon was struggling with the humvee radios. I asked if she would like some help, and she snapped with major attitude, “I know how to do it sergeant.”

Although I was the Communications NCOIC (Non-Commissioned Officer in Charge) for our platoon, I sensed that she refused to learn from me, not only because of her formal certificate that convinced her that she was very smart, but also because I was a “Stripes for Skills” soldier (elaboration in one of the sub-titles).

Over a half an hour or so later, as SPC Amazon was running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to get comms (communications) up before we rolled out, I approached her and asked calmly, “Are you ready for some help now?” to which she surprisingly replied with a completely different demeanor/a  gentle manner, “Yes sergeant.”

Note: Image on right found next to link =>www.oriellycc.com (thank you)

The second time SPC Amazon mouthed off, “I know how to clean weapons sergeant!” in front of other soldiers, I ordered her to come outside of the building.

SPC Amazon started crying softly and managed to convince me that even her boyfriend told her that she has an attitude problem, and that she’s working on it. I warned her that the next time wouldn’t be pretty, and she assured me there wouldn’t be a next time.

One morning, during a drill that occurred around 3 a.m., I asked her if she was good to go in setting up the radios. SPC Amazon snapped at me again in front of two other female NCOs/my peers/friends, who looked at me with a raised eyebrow like, “She did not just go there.”

Note: Image on left found next to link => hqwallbase.com (thank you)

It was wwway too early in the morning for bullshit, and I completely lost it, passionately shouting and pointing at SPC Amazon, “I tried to understand you, reason with you, mentor you, but the truth is…you’re nothing but a snotty, highly disrespectful, , know-it-all soldier! Get your sorry ass outside and wait for me until I’m done here! Do I make myself clear?” She replied, “Yes sergeant” in a very respectful manner and started crying again as she stormed outside.

When I came out, I calmly told her that I was going to inform her squad leader this time about her extremely disrespectful habit. Her crying skyrocketed to bawling, and she begged me not to, and swore up and down that she wouldn’t ever do it again.

I sensed that since she had just won the battalion level Soldier of the Month board recently, and didn’t want to tarnish her reputation. So again, I let it slide.

Note: Image on right found next to link =>www.goodwp.com (thank you)

Later that day, my peers (the two female NCO’s) told me that I had shocked them when I had gone off on SPC Amazon, because they had never seen that side of me, even though we had attended the long  AIT course and the CEWEOC course together.

I wasn’t shocked—though surprised—because I had a few moments like that in my life that seemed to be reserved for so-called emergencies. I had acknowledged that it was a part of me, but I hadn’t learned (as a human being)/remembered (as a soul) to fully own it yet.

Even a black, female NCO/Platoon Sergeant within our Company once told another NCO in front of me when I was only a PFC (Private First Class), “She’s going to be a dog just like me” followed by a wink to me.

It was right after I had unexpectedly and very assertively made a comment to an aggressive staff sergeant (SSG Ashole) in the post, “Taking Chances.”  

 

At first, I was a bit confused because it didn’t sound like a compliment to be referred to as a dog, but I realized what she had meant by her statement because of what I knew about her.

Note: Image on left found next to link => www.pixoto.com (thank you)

Although that very intimidating female NCO was very tough on the surface—very physically fit, a hard-ass, diligent, highly professional, blunt, etc.—I heard that her room had lavender curtains, as well as other very feminine decorations that many couldn’t believe to be true.

Often times, we humans think that we got it all figured out about others; however, I’ve learned/remembered that if we care to look closely, we will find out that there can be many facets and dimensions to another that we never even imagined existed.

Looking back, the tough teddy-bear platoon sergeant had the Goddess power within her, knowing when to honor her softer Divine Feminine side of her soul, and when to bring out the fearless and fierce Goddess aspect of her like the Goddess Kali—the “destroyer of that which no longer serves the individual and collective soul growth/evolution.” She also honored her very assertive, ambitious and persistent Divine Masculine side of her soul as well.

Note: Image on right found next to link =>www.elcarroenelpedregal.com (thank you)

I had made the mistake of being too soft with SPC Amazon. A month or two later, after I returned from a training course from another post, I found out that our First Sergeant—walking by the barracks area—had caught SPC Amazon venting to one of the lower-enlisted soldiers in her usual snotty voice, “First Sergeant is such a total bitch!”

Our First Sergeant—a bad-ass, female Senior NCO who was capable of being calm as a still sea or as intimidating as a hurricane—demanded that whoever said those words to come down the stairs immediately.

SPC Amazon, who had recognized First Sergeant’s voice, apparently rushed down in shock and started bawling, and tried to convince our First Sergeant that she had made a mistake.

Note: Image on left found next to link => io9.com (thank you)

Of course, there’s a noticeable difference between making an honest mistake and just expressing what one believes to be true.

First Sergeant didn’t fall for her sob story excuse, the way I did, and SPC Amazon ended up receiving a severe punishment—a field-grade Article 15.

I then wondered, had I punished her myself at the squad level—a milder form of punishment—if that would’ve prevented her from getting into deeper trouble.

That experience taught me that 1) God is definitely behind this, and 2) not to ever be soft with my soldiers again, no matter how much my heart goes out to them.

Like a parent who disciplines a spoiled child, I learned that a leader must also provide discipline to his/her soldiers for their best interest, especially if they’re too stubborn to learn the easy way.

Note: Image on right found next to link =>baloo-baloosnon-politicalcartoonblog.blogspot.com (thank you)

Looking back, SPC Amazon had reflected back to me who I truly was (i.e., strong-willed, ambitious, and highly sensitive soul disguised as a “tough girl”), as well as who I chose not to be (arrogant, extremely competitive, and disrespectful to others).

Someone (or some people) very close to SPC Amazon in her life had made her feel unworthy at some point, and being the highly sensitive being that she was, it hurt her deeply.

Therefore, she was determined to prove to that person and the world that she mattered by excelling at pretty much anything and everything that she could get her hands on.

Note: Image on left found next to link => www.thinkinghumanity.com (thank you)

How do I know this? Because, by expanding my perspective and digging deeper into my heart space, I come to a realization that that aspect of SPC Amazon was also me.

I had also written about another soldier of mine who had reflected back to me unknown/shadow aspects of myself int the post, “United Kingdoms of Unconditional Love,” under the sub-title, “Teacher and Student to One Another.”

And when I expand my consciousness out further—seeing with clarity all “others” as extensions of my Expanded SELF/my Universe within—I’m able to see with clarity why even my teenage daughter, whom I don’t currently live with, is also a mirror image (behavior-wise) of SPC Amazon and I, reflecting all the “positive” qualities and “negative” characteristics mentioned above. See soon to be published post, “The Benefit of Naturally Butting Heads.” 

Note: Image on right found next to link => www.renemendez.com/Image title “Galaxy” (thank you)

The morning after I confronted SSG Fox, SPC Amazon—while sweeping the motorpool area—had made a subtle comment using humor that grabbed my attention, as well as another female NCO’s/E-5.

She said something to the effect that she knew better than to piss off our platoon sergeant, SSG Fox, because she had known him from a training course. When we asked what she meant by that, she shared a story with us after making us promise not to tell him or anyone else.

Right after that conversation, the E-5 NCO asked if she could talk to me in private, and I agreed. She didn’t want’ to share her story with lower-enlisted soldiers, so she pulled me aside to inform me that SSG Fox started out rubbing her knee at a platoon party, but then moved up toward her upper inner thigh, which made her very uncomfortable.

He had treated her with much respect and admiration, but ever since she rejected his move, he pretty much made her life a living hell by giving her a bunch of crap jobs. She vented quietly, yet, passionately as she looked at me with teary eyes and said, “He’s an asshole.”

Note: Image on left found next to link =>abcnewsradioonline.com (thank you)

I then shared my story, and how we started out as friends, but then one thing led to another, but that I had no idea that he was basically a predator.

I knew he had tried to intimidate me once by informing me that he even had connections in Hawaii (my next duty station), and that it would be wise of me to continue maintaining a relationship with him even after I left the unit; but I wasn’t scared of him because I thought that he was being his silly, insecure self again. 

I just enjoyed our conversations, and I was attracted to him being was very squared away—smart, organized, fast-tracking in his career, ambitious—funny, blunt, a smartass, etc. But when I found out how SSG Fox really was, I was shocked.

The NCO then said, “I want to report the sick bastard, but I’m afraid that I’ll end up stuck here, and I wanna get the hell out of here and away from him.” Without hesitation, I said, “I’ll do it.” She thanked me, and asked me not to bring up her name; I promised her.

Note: Image on right found next to link =>www.fourwinds10.net of article “1/3 of Women in US Military Raped” (thank you) 

I informed our acting platoon sergeant (since SSG Fox was removed during the investigation), who then suggested that I speak with the post chaplain as well.

I confessed in a written statement that I was sexually involved with SSG Fox, and didn’t consider myself a victim of his habitual predatorial behavior (that I wasn’t aware of at the time) because I was responsible for my own actions.

Right before the so-called trial, my First Sergeant asked me if I was aware that SSG Fox was in the process of going around the battalion to gather 15 soldiers who he hoped would say something negative about me at the trial. 

She then asked me if I would like to do the same as well, and I replied that it wasn’t necessary.

Note: Image on left found next to link => agreatinspirations.blogspot.com (thank you)

Humiliation Leading to Inner-Wisdom

I ended up participating in a so-called battalion-level court martial where I was basically interrogated by SSG Fox himself. He also accused me of being messed up in the head because I was molested by my uncle, and that I was making up lies .

I couldn’t believe he used such information against me, something that I had apparently told him while I was intoxicated one night; however, I remained silent.

Even a major (officer) that was standing behind SSG Fox (and facing me) shook his head side to side with a disapproving expression.

Note: Image on right found next to link => turntoislam.com (thank you)

I didn’t realize it then, but I sense that my relationship with SSG Fox may have been a way to get some of my power back—becoming an active participant in the relationship rather than being taken advantage of again—which I felt I had lost when my first platoon sergeant had raped me; and this unhealthy way to go about obtaining it was the only way I knew how at the time…and even long before that.

After my uncle molested me when I was in elementary school (in post, “Awkwardness“), while I was staying at my grandmother’s house for the summer as usual, I recall sometimes having fantasized about having sex with him as a tween and teenager on my own terms—by luring him into his bedroom (of my grandmother’s house) and taking off all of my clothes. I often watched “R” rated movies since I was a child, since both of my parents loved movies, so I saw various sex scenes.

And when my dad wasn’t around—during his numerous “business trips,”as well as their first and second divorce—my mother always wanted me to watch movies with her, to include one of her favorites—the 1982 Basket Case movie with creepy sex scenes—and “X” rated movies, like German torture sex movies (I was told).

I didn’t know it then, but looking back, having fantasies about my uncle was my way of getting my power back, that was seemingly taken away from me without my consent.

I was confused at times, especially as I got older and realized how “disturbing” the situation was in the eyes of society. And by turning an uncontrollable situation—since I was dropped off at my grandmother’s/uncle’s house practically every summer and winter vacation—into a controllable one (even in my imagination), I probably felt less awkward.

Note: Image on left found next to link =>mystery32.com (thank you)

The Only Truths That Matter

After the drama trial with SSG Fox was over, I never found out what the 14 others had said about me, but at least one of the soldiers informed me that SSG Fox was trying to convince him to say bad things about me, but that he didn’t. I thanked him for his loyalty. 

To my great surprise, my First Sergeant (who seemed to be buddy-buddy with SSG Fox) told me that he was a coward for not speaking the truth.

My Company Commander told me that she was disappointed in me for refusing to press further charges and not giving up names of the other female soldiers.

She was such a caring and professional leader that it broke my heart to let her down, but I had my reasons, and that was suffice.

The first reason was that SSG Fox forced his Korean wife to call me before the trial (I heard his voice in the background giving her instructions) and beg me to not go forward with the case.

She dramatically cried in Korean, “Please don’t ruin his career! What’s going to happen to me and my little princess?” I felt pain in my chest for having to experience another’s suffering, and I told her that I would do my best not to ruin his career.

In addition to that reason, the two young female soldiers—who had informed me of their relationship with SSG Fox—were scheduled to PCS (i.e., move to another duty station) soon (like I was supposed to as well), so they were afraid that if their names were submitted in the reports, they would be held back. I gave them my word that I wouldn’t name them.

And they were right to be worried; due to volunteering to come forward with some information about my relationship with SSG Fox, and having to participate in a hearing, I ended up getting involuntarily extended every month for a total of five months, which was in addition to my already involuntary extension from the big Army for three months after my one year tour without my kids.

Note: Image on left found next to link =>www.shutterstock.com (thank you)

Embracing Emotional Immaturity

SSG Fox ended up being removed from his position and placed in the battalion S-3, and neither one of us lost rank. I wondered if he had talked his way out of it since he was clearly very persuasive with others.

If he had chosen to continue his predatorial ways, I have no doubt that his day will come where he will suddenly and most drastically lose everything that he’s worked so hard for throughout his Army career—a miraculous event that would seemingly be highly beneficial for his individual and collective soul growth/evolution.

I thought SSG Fox was just having a short-term affair with me, which would be done with, and we would end up going separate ways. I had no idea that he was a predator that took advantage of lower-enlisted soldiers as well.

Afterall, he had a toddler daughter. How would he feel if some jackass did something like that to his young-adult daughter, should she ever decide to join the military?

Note: Image on right found next to link => bioweb.uwlax.edu (thank you)

My Battalion Commander/BC at the time informed me how disappointed he was in me as I stood in front of him, and that I had the emotional maturity of a teenager.

Though his father-like words were like daggers to my heart, I accepted them as true while I attempted to control my uncontrollable tears.

Our BC, although a little cocky at times, was a very observant, genuinely caring, humorous, diligent, intelligent, very physically fit (for an older man) and uplifting leader.

Whenever he ran into me within our unit, he used to shout with enthusiasm, “There’s that famous SGT ___!” Due to my own insecurities, I often wondered what he really meant, like did he mean “that infamous SGT ____,” and was just being sarcastic?

Note: Image on left found next to link => getinspiredmagazine.com/Drowning in tears by John Phillip Santos (thank you)

Once, when we ran into one another, he asked me what I was reading, and I shared with him a summarized version of what my favorite book series were at the time, Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. He seemed genuinely interested, and asked some questions to which I provided answers.

Therefore, I was confused at the time of all the drama as to why I had created so much chaos within the unit; but then I figured that perhaps I didn’t fully understand Neale’s wonderful teachings at the time…and that I wasn’t ready to be “good” yet.

However, I had forgotten that he had taught that God is not the judgmental God that Christian religion teaches because God’s love for all souls is unconditional.

Note: Image on right found next to link => www.spellsandmagic.com (thank you)

Looking back, I realize that despite my fearful ego self’s judgment toward myself, another, and my life’s happenings at the time, everything happened in Divine perfect timing and Divine order for the highest benefit of all interconnected souls—my individual and collective soul growth/evolution.

I also wrote about our BC in another post called, “Ed, from Collective Soul.” It just occurred to me why this particular band (its name) is part of this story.

My BC also stated that had I, a lower-ranking female soldier approached him in an unprofessional and sexual manner, he (as the higher-ranking soldier) would tell me to “At ease” and that would be the end of that.

He then added that he highly doubted SSG Fox ‘s story that I (4’9″/95 lbs at the time) had come onto him (5’10″/180lbs?), and that he wasn’t able to stop me. My BC mentioned that from his observations, SSG Fox decided to take advantage of an emotionally vulnerable woman who had gone through a divorce, and was far away from her children.

My BC was right that SSG Fox took advantage of our friendship, and that I didn’t come onto SSG Fox like some exotic scene in the movies.

Note: Image on left found next to link => goldenageofgaia.com (thank you)

A Glimpse Behind the So-Called Lustful Affair

Our odd relationship wasn’t the typical relationship that most people would probably imagine a “lustful affair” to be like.

SSG Fox and I started off as friends, and sex itself was not an incentive to be in the relationship (at least for me), regardless of what society may have believed.

Whenever I did have a temporary lover in my life, I was very picky about the presence of strong chemistry, which included inner and outer beauty (to me that is, not according to society).

Sometimes, I wondered how I was able to attract such gorgeous, hot, handsome, and/or sexy men since I don’t look anything like the super hot, celebrity women that we see on TV, in the movies, or on the cover of magazines.

Due to my low self-esteem at the time, I just thought that they were attracted to me because I’m very petite, and they just wanted to very briefly explore.

In addition, my first husband once planted a seed in my head that guys only end up in relationships with Asian women when they’re unable to get an attractive white woman, like the blond “girl next door” or Pamela Anderson kind of gal. I knew he was just saying such words to be an ass, but I ended up believing him.

Shortly after we divorced, I realized that he had only said hurtful words because he, too, was a wounded wounder; and I more than likely didn’t help him to heal with my own baggage.

To my great surprise, I was able to forgive him much quicker than I had imagined; it was because he’s a good soul and a great dad to my kids (and his two kids from his current wife), who just happened to need some healing like the rest of us.

When I met his new wife, and got to know her through many conversations, as well as many stories from my kids, I was happy for my ex-husband that he was able to finally meet his dream woman—a blond and naturally beautiful “girl next door” kind of woman who came from an overall healthy family background—who’s not only an amazing woman, but a great mother to my kids. I wrote about her in posts, to include the first one, “Dream Mother.”

Anyway, there were a few males in my life (all so-called guy friends) whom I ended up having sex with only because I felt sorry for them, not because I was strongly attracted to them sexually—and all three, to include SSG Fox, had the intention to take advantage of me sexually, and weren’t interested in having a genuine relationship with me as a friend as they pretended to.

Note: Image on right found next to link => www.psychologytoday.com (thank you)

SSG Fox tried to convince me one day, that although his penis appears small, that it eventually grows as he performs sex. I had a strong feeling that it wasn’t true, and I have yet to experience my intuition to ever fail me.

The look on his insecure face, along with his words that were masked with confidence was a sad sight to observe. 

Most of the time, I was strangely more like a counselor, mother, or friend to him, to include ironically giving him advice about how to better get along with his wife.

Once, after he vented, I gently suggested that he not roll his eyes whenever his wife told him certain things that turned him off, like how she craved for Korean-style pigs feet (one of her favorite foods) on her birthday. I informed him that a lot of Koreans enjoy it, to include my myself.

He often complained about his wife, and others, and I would provide him with different perspectives. In turn, he ironically gave me tips on to be a better soldier.

Note: Image on left found next to link => www.amazon.com(thank you)

One day, SSG Fox told me that I was different, and that he started liking me when he had noticed me, at a winter field exercise, distributing ziplock baggies of stuff—toe warmers, hand warmers, snacks, and I forgot what else—to my soldiers.

He said that he had never seen anything like it in his entire Army career. I was moved that he had noticed such a moment, among others things that I didn’t think others would notice since everyone seemed busy all the time.

Once, when SSG Fox tried to kiss me, I straight up told him that he had yellow stuff on his upper teeth (i.e., he was a heavy smoker) and that he needed to go brush it thoroughly.

To my great surprise, like a kid obeying his mother, he actually took my advice; and when he returned from brushing, he looked at me with disbelief, and then told me that he couldn’t believe I would say something like that.

Note: Image on right found next to link => nayobe.deviantart.com/+ The Lion and the Fox + by Nayobe … (thank you)

The Free Prisoner of Hatred Within

To my great surprise, my BC also informed me that due to how I was habitually as a soldier, that he decided to lift the major punishment since I had so much potential in my Army career. I was very grateful to him and to God.

My Battalion Command Sergeant Major even supported me with her comforting and empowering words. I wrote about her in the post, “An Expanded Perspective of Positive Birthing from Negative.”

Since then, I often hated myself—due to guilt and shame—and sometimes fantasized my own death by some car accident that didn’t involve hurting others.

FYI: Don’t get into the habit of thinking repetitive negative thoughts; a couple years later, I ended up in a major car accident where my car became totaled.

Another year later, another major car accident. My last major car accident was within a year after the second one. Fortunately, I only had minor injuries, and no one else ended up hurt, but I learned the valuable lesson of how our thoughts (whether negative or positive) create our reality, which presented itself with neon signs.

Note: Image on left found next to link => www.insidesocal.com (thank you)

Embracing a Shadow to Heal Shadow Self

Looking back, SSG Fox was one of my shadows (a reflection of my shadow self—all the “negative” characteristics and traits that society frowns upon because we don’t fully understand them, or because they’re unknown to us) who mirrored back to me who I was behind the ego self’s mask, as well as who I wasn’t, since it didn’t resonate with who I truly am (my True Self/Higher Self/Divinity within me).

As a reflection of my shadow self, he mirrored back to me my own fear-based beliefs of unworthiness as a woman: 1) wanting to just have meaningless sex to feel powerful, 2) being suspicious that others were against me and talked bad about me, and 3) believing that something was wrong with me mentally and emotionally because I had been molested as a child, as well as exposed to a lot of sex scenes.

When I dig deeper, and I choose to put my rose-colored glasses on, and imagine what it might be like to see through the ancient eyes of Divine Spirit/All That Is, I’m able to unconditionally forgive even someone like SSG Fox, as well as myself.

SSG Fox used women to satisfy his sexual addiction (due to his blocked sacral chakra) and his need for negative power. The difference between us in this lane was that despite also wanting power, I didn’t take advantage of men; I had true feelings for my lovers.

Growing up, SSG Fox was a white boy who apparently had braids in his hair, listened to a lot of rap music, loved watching shows with “titties flappin” (his words), and even talked and acted like he was gangsta.

Note: Image on right found next to link => stockarch.com (thank you)

Striving to survive in ghetto neighborhoods as a white kid, SSG Fox quickly learned street smarts, which he unfortunately used in a negative way as an adult rather than in a way that would highly benefit himself and others.

He became an expert chameleon in society—being a very squared-away and hard-working NCO during duty hours, and then sipping on Hennessy, listening to songs like, “Hot in Herre” by Nelly, and messing around with women during his non-duty hours.

He looked somewhat like Johnny Knoxville from the movie Jackass series and Bad Grampa, which my husband enjoys. He even had a black guy’s walk as though he owned the streets or something.

Note: Image on left found next to link => www.gopixpic.com (thank you)

Since he wasn’t that attractive of a man, or even physically fit (i.e., he scored low on his Physical Fitness Tests, and wasn’t muscular and athletic like many Army soldiers, Marines, or extremely high-speed elite soldiers like Delta Force or Navy SEALs), he used his charming personality and great sense of humor to make up for his insecurities, and to bond with many soldiers (to include females) throughout the battalion.

He was even clever enough to buy various figurines online, and then turned around and sell them to others for a larger profit. As I listened to his certain stories of him and his wife, I realized that he was controlling as well.

Note: Image on right found next to link => worthstar.com (thank you)

For instance, whenever when his soldiers went over to his house to eat, drink, and play cards, he made her get drunk on Soju (Korean alcohol similar to Vodka) so that she would cooperatively play the role of “happily drunk hostess” as she cooked for them and willingly obeyed his every command.

Why? Because he, like many other men throughout the world (and throughout history), knew that she wouldn’t dare leave him. I mean, where else would she (a mother of his child) go, right? Back to her traditional Korean family where she would end up losing face? Of course not.

I know what this feels like. My dad used to tell my mother, “If you’re not happy, pack your shit and get the hell out; and don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.” When I had shared this story with my first husband, he later decided to use this phrase against me. I later realized that his hurtful words that stemmed from fear were due to him having been wounded as a child himself. 

When the ego self of two wounded wounders aren’t able to heal together in peace and harmony, they end up taking different paths that mostly highly benefits their individual and collective soul growth/evolution; and that’s what happened to my first husband and I as I joined the Army as a Korean linguist/analyst, and then divorced him a little over a year later.

Note: Image on left found next to link => meetville.com (thank you)

When I found out that SSG Fox was this way toward his wife, I prayed for her that she, too, would one day find the courage and inner-strength to leave the unhealthy relationship.

Only men with very low self-esteem—and who mask their insecurities with a confident facade—take advantage of the perceived weak around them (i.e., women), the way bullies in elementary school do to kids who they perceive as wussies.

SSG Fox more than likely often experienced being powerless while growing up; hence, he, too (like me), tried to obtain that power back (from his outside world) by excelling in his Army career and using women so that he can feel powerful, rather than experience his true power from his Divinity within.

Note: Image on right found next to link =>www.pinterest.com (thank you)

When I choose to expand my perspective, I realize that crossing paths with SSG Fox was my Divinity within—Higher Self/ Trinity—God, Goddess and Divine Spirit/All That Is— who sent me these experiences for the highest benefit of my individual and collective soul growth/evolution.

Although the experiences came with much humiliation, a seemingly lost of dignity, anger, injustice, tears, confusion, hatred, betrayal, and all other chaos that stems from fear energy, they were all meant to help others transform their weaknesses into strengths, and help me to:

• forgive the so-called home-wrecker (my Korean step-mother) and mistress (a prostitute that my first husband had a brief affair with) of my life, by becoming “the other woman” myself
• lose my integrity, in order to rediscover who I truly am

Note: Image on left found next to link => www.marsdd.com (thank you)

Becoming The Other Woman to Forgive The Other Women

A couple of years after the SSG Fox earthly drama—at my next duty station, and right before crossing paths with my current husband—I was dating online after a girlfriend suggested it to me. I was a smartass, so my intro started out with, “To my millions of fans out there…” just to have some fun with it.

I went on several bizarre dates—one painful lunch date, and the rest brief Starbucks dates—that I shared in some other post, but none of them grabbed my attention. Once, I received a message from a rich man wondering why I wasn’t willing to date him.

I explained to him that my profile specifically stated, “no married men.” He then replied, “I thought you were non-conventional.” I agreed, but I then added that that doesn’t mean that I no longer wished to hurt anyone else.

He then tried to convince me that he would spoil me so much and that no one had to know.

Even to my surprise, I politely declined, and that was the end of that. At that moment, I just knew that I was done with that unhealthy phase, and that even tempting wealth couldn’t talk me into doing something I had no desire to do.

Note: Image on right found next to link => www.coinslots.net (thank you)

When my mother complained about my Caucasian dad’s third wife one day while I was visiting her—which she brought up often, and stressed how my Korean step-mother ruined our family—I shared with her my relationships with married men, and how I unfortunately ended up hurting another woman.

To my great surprise, my mother’s usual stiff demeanor and intense facial expression—squinting eyes, flared nostrils, and tightened lips—transformed into an unrecognizable, very soft and surprised expression.

She then turned to me, put her hand on my shoulder, and said gently, “It’s okay, you just made some mistakes.” At that very moment, I sensed that I was meant to share that story with her, perhaps to soften her heart.

Note: Image on left found next to link => www.dailymail.co.uk (thank you)

My intention is for zoos with caged animals to no longer exist 🙁

The Most Challenging So-called Enemy to Forgive

After the seemingly hellish back-to-back earthly dramas involving SSG Fox, I felt like I had lost the little remaining dignity I had left, especially after the rape incident with my very first platoon sergeant, SSG Butthead, whom I wrote about in the post “Manipulation” that took place downtown while I was stationed at my first tactical duty station/2ID, 102nd MI BN, D Co., Camp Essayons, South Korea. Note: Also see post, “Following the Narrow Path of Heart” for reasons why I hadn’t reported him right away.

What I left out in that story—more than likely due to not being ready to forgive him yet—was what that so-called platoon sergeant/SSG Butthead had said to me one day at work, days after I had confronted him about the incident.

He approached me with a smile and whispered in my ear, “So at least now you know that having sex with me didn’t influence my decision of picking squad leaders.”

At that very moment, I wanted to KILL him for making me feel even lower than I was already feeling. I didn’t care whether or not he didn’t pick me as a squad leader because I didn’t even feel ready for that position at the time, which I even told my peers and Company Commander.

Note: Image on left found next to link => it.wikipedia.org (thank you)

I hated myself for such a long time for being such a coward and not reporting him much sooner—who I had once labeled a heartless and conniving asshole.

However, when I choose to be compassionate toward myself, I realize it was because it was my first unit overseas (without my kids), and because he was so buddy-buddy with all the higher ranking leaders, I didn’t want to risk ruining my Army career.

The following is a quote from the article “1/3 of Women in US Military Raped” from the link www.fourwinds10.net above that I can relate to :

“An online discussion from a former soldier whose identity is being protected had this to say, ‘At least a rape ends. It’s the day-to-day degradation that eats at you. None of my friends who were raped on active duty reported it. Or if we tried, we were told to shut up for ‘morale.’ Working with your rapist on a daily basis isn’t a lot of fun, believe me.'”

Note: Image on right found next to link => deepercravings.com (thank you)

Better Understanding the Prisoner of Hatred Within

 Looking back, SSG Butthead was one of my shadows (a reflection of my shadow self) who mirrored back to me who I was behind the ego self’s mask, as well as who I wasn’t, since it didn’t resonate with who I truly am (my True Self/Higher Self/Divinity within me).

As a reflection of my shadow self, he mirrored back to me my own fear-based beliefs of: unworthiness as a woman, being “ugly” myself, of wanting to be powerful, as well as my own hatred toward myself as a “Stripes for Skills” soldier that many seemed to judge with passionate hatred, especially SSG Butthead.

When I dig deeper, and I choose to put my rose-colored glasses on, and imagine what it might be like to see through the ancient eyes of Divine Spirit/All That Is, I’m able to unconditionally forgive even someone like SSG Butthead, which is ultimately forgiving myself unconditionally.

Note: Image on left found next to link => thejourneyofyaya.wordpress.com (thank you)

Observations of a Shadow to Better Understand Shadow Self

When I recall my past observations of SSG Butthead, with the help of my Higher Self, I remember what he had said to me when I made an effort to talk him out of “raping” me in a non-violent manner (only because I chose not to fight back).

Lack of Technical Skills: Language Barrier

I reminded him that he was married, and that his wife (whom his entire platoon had met during one of our gatherings) seemed very nice and even loving towards him; and surely, he wouldn’t want to betray her.

He became very frustrated and vented something to the effect, “For once, I’d like to come home after work and have a regular conversation with my wife; but it doesn’t happen because of the language barrier!”

Even though he was a “Korean linguist/analyst”/98G/KP (now 35P/KP), like many other non-native Koreans, he wasn’t able to carry on a basic conversation in Korean.

Note: Image on right found next to link => seoulistic.com (thank you)

This experience later revealed to me that although I, too, had the deep, fear-based belief that I wasn’t as competent as other native Korean linguists/analysts, I chose not to resent others who seemed very proficient with their technical skills.

Instead, I strove to learn from them, the way I strove to learn from my sister-like Korean cousins, who introduced to me the Korean alphabet when I was around six years old while they were doing their massive amount of homework, and I was more than likely sitting around looking bored.

Lack of Self-Esteem: Ugliness

SSG Butt’s frustration was the same manner in which he had expressed himself moments before I told him “No,” and he ended up shouting, “WHAT?! Is it because I’m ugly?!”

I later realized—through the help of my husband’s insight—that perhaps I didn’t choose to fight him off because my soul was able to empathize with him, and have compassion for him, since I had experienced as a kid of being told “Get out of my way you ugly, flat-faced Korean!” in the post “Low Self-Esteem.”

However, it was still no excuse for him to manipulate and force himself upon another just because he had the fear-based belief that he was ugly. That’s just being a wounded wounder, rather than a wounded healer.

Note: Image on left found next to link => godisheart.blogspot.com (thank you)

 

This experience later revealed to me that although I, too, had the deep, fear-based belief that I was ugly as well (without make-up on), I chose not to manipulate men by making them feel sorry for me in order to get what I want.

SSG Butthead, was an insecure man due his fear-based beliefs that: he was ugly, he wasn’t as competent as native Korean linguists/analysts, women were inferior to men, and that he couldn’t do anything about his hatred for female “Stripes for Skills” soldiers. And once again, SSG Butthead was ultimately an aspect of me (my shadow self) mirroring back to me my own insecurities.

Absence of Leadership Skills: Taking Advantage of a Soldier

From a limited earthly point of view, SSG Butthead manipulated a situation to the best of his ability in order to experience having power.

By scheming a way to trick me into following him after my promotion party at a bar—stating that we were going to meet the rest of the platoon at a motel—he manipulated me into having sex with him in order to feel better about his ugliness and his lack of control with his own wife.

Then, he made it very clear after the incident—through his calculated cold actions and words again—that he hated me with a passion as a female (related to all the females in his past who had rejected him), Korean (related to resenting his wife for not being able to communicate with her) “Stripes for Skills” soldier.

His disrespect for others in general stemmed from his lack or absence of respect for himself.

Note: Image on right found next to link => www.quickmeme.com (thank you)

This experience later revealed to me that although I, too, had the deep, fear-based beliefs that: I was ugly, I wasn’t as competent as other native Korean linguists/analysts, women were inferior to men, and that I couldn’t do anything about my hatred for myself as a female “Stripes for Skills” soldier, as a leader, I chose not to manipulate or take advantage of my soldiers.

Lack of Tactical Skills: The Drama Convoy Mission

From a limited earthly point of view, during my first convoy in the middle of downtown Korea, SSG Butthead (as the lead vehicle) sped off right before the light turned red, rather than slowing down and then taking off together like most convoys do.

I later learned that when convoys happen to separate, the lead vehicle(s) usually pull over to the side of the road and wait for the rest of the convoy to catch up.

Note: Image on left found next to link => www.yourbuilding.org (thank you)

Anyway, our radios ended up malfunctioning, and everything went south from there. I made a last-minute call to get the vehicles off the busy downtown streets in order to figure out our next move since the vehicle behind me made it clear with hand signals that they, too, didn’t know which direction to take.

Unfortunately, due to my bad judgment, I made my driver drive a bit too far to the right, and the right side of our chase vehicle ended up stuck in a rice paddy.

After all the drama of basically being found and rescued, the incident itself lead to our BC (reminder: Battalion Commander) being involved.

Our BC announced to everyone at a major meeting that it didn’t make any sense for the lead vehicle—with the most experienced NCOs, to include SSG Butt of the unit—to basically break the speed limit in a crowded downtown area, and then ditch the second vehicle of two soldiers on their very first convoy mission.

The lead vehicle had apparently made it all the way to the compound without noticing that the rest of the convoy wasn’t behind them, which doesn’t make sense because the TC (Tactical Commander) is responsible for also ensuring that the vehicles in the back are following.

More than likely the leaders in the lead vehicle did notice, but that was their way of ironically showing me that I was incompetent with my leadership and tactical skills as a female “Stripes for Skills” soldier.

The Sergeant First Class (SFC Needham/made-up name) that was riding with SSG Butthead in the lead vehicle (as his TC)  had also made it very known to everyone at the unit that he did not like soldiers like me.

Lack of Intuitive Skills: Quick to Judge

SSG Butthead and many others, understandably had a passionate hatred for “Stripes for Skills” soldiers (especially females) like me, but that didn’t give them the right to treat different soldiers like crap, or even take advantage of them just because of such hatred.

I sensed that SSG Butthead’s (along with others within that unit) contempt towards female “Stripes for Skills” soldiers also stemmed from one of the native speakers (a Korean woman who was about 10 years older than me) who had earned a bad rap.

When she didn’t get promoted to E-5 at the exact time, according to her contract, she apparently made a huge deal and created a lot of friction, to include going to the IG (Inspector General) office.

When I got to know her much later, I found out that she was just frustrated that others were against her, and I was able to empathize with her.

So when another Korean female soldier came to the unit (me), they more than likely threw me in the same category as well—the troublemaker, Korean female “Stripes for Skills Soldier.”

Note: Image on right found next to link => thinkup.ae (thank you)

This experience later revealed to me that although I had experiences of many who had acted from fear-based beliefs, I chose not to be quick to judge others who behaved in a similar way. Why? Because we, unique humans, don’t fit perfectly into a small, labeled box that society wants us to fit into.

I also trust that the reason stems from my soul’s willingness to welcome every other soul that I encounter with an open Mind/Heart since I don’t know who they are; hence, it wouldn’t make sense for me to judge them first with the attitude that they need to prove their worth to me before I treat them with respect and kindness.

Lack of People Skills: Gossiping vs Talking

What SSG Butthead and others didn’t realize was that I had even told our Company Commander (Commanding Officer/CO)—during a conversation that he had initiated around the time-frame of my promotion window—that I wasn’t ready to be promoted because I lacked leadership and tactical skills, and that I was willing to wait.

To my great surprise, my CO informed me that he believed I was ready, and I was grateful that he was one of the few that had faith in soldiers like me.

My first CO at my first unit looked and somewhat acted like a grown-ass Steve Urkel from the show Family Matters. However, despite his lack of coordination and interpersonal skills, he had a big heart, and worked very hard to be a great leader.

Note: Image on left found next to link => drivelikeaminister.tumblr.com (thank you)

We had some good laughs at that unit. Once, at a battalion basketball game, soldiers from Delta Company were all pretty much wanting to hide, while sitting on the bleachers, because our CO (a tall and skinny black man) was struggling to even dribble a basketball without being guarded. The ball ended up quickly getting stolen.

One night, after a company party at the enlisted club—and one too many drinks and a power nap—I found myself slowly waking up while sitting in a chair—my squinting and blinking eyes adjusting to the light, as well as being all disoriented.

I more than likely had my mouth wide-opened too—since I’ve always had sinus problems and difficulty breathing through my nose—with drool oozing from the corner of my mouth.

Anyway, when I looked around me, I noticed that the NCO club was practically empty, and the only person I saw was my CO sitting right in front of me, like a father ready to give a major ass whooping to his drunk teenage daughter. I hoped I was dreaming.

My CO had one of his legs crossed over the other, his arms crossed in a defensive or “I’m feeling cold” position, and he was glaring at me…just waiting for me to wake my ass up and give an explanation.

Like they say, alcohol can often times bring out truths that we wouldn’t normally say while we’re sober. 

Well, I had always wanted to talk to him about his lack of interpersonal skills (which was well known), and how it negatively affected his relationship with many of his soldiers (who mostly talked bad about him behind his back, the way SSG Butthead often did), but it never seemed like a good idea while I was sober.

However, the drunk me thought it was a excellent idea, and I ended up having the “avoided talk.”

Even though I recall being drunk, I was still able to remember his facial expression, among other details, which initially was not of acceptance, let alone sheer joy.

His crossed arms and legs later changed positions, and he was in the “thinking statue man” position as he leaned towards me as I spoke. I don’t recall what I said verbatim, but I had a tendency of being pretty blunt while sober, so I can imagine what I might have been like without any inhibitions.

The next morning, in my sober state, as I recalled bits and pieces of my conversation with the CO, I started getting very worried…like, “Ohhh shit! I bet I pissed off the CO with whatever my dumbass said.”

To my great surprise, as I was standing in line at the DiFac (post Dining Facility) for breakfast rehearsing my apologetic statement, my CO suddenly approached me like a bat out of hell, tapped me on the shoulder, and said with much enthusiasm, “SGT ___, thanks so much for the very helpful talk yesterday evening! From now on, I’m going to work on my interpersonal skills so that I can better communicate with my soldiers.”

I couldn’t believe my ears! If it was physically possible, I think my jaw would’ve fell to the ground that day. I was so grateful to God though, for not only saving my ass, but also creating such a beautiful moment.

Looking back, I (my fearful ego self) had judged a Divinely perfect situation as imperfect because I wasn’t able to see the bigger picture.

My CO had reflected back to me who I truly was (i.e., diligent, having good intentions, not a good basketball player, and open to new information), as well as who I chose not to be (i.e., lacking interpersonal skills).

This experience later revealed to me that although I, too, had noticed another’s weakness (i.e., my CO’s lack of interpersonal skills), I chose not to gossip to others about the weakness; but rather, talked to another face-to-face in order to help him transform his weakness into a strength.

Because I had a willingness to do so from my heart, I trust that my soul/God/Divinity within me created a perfect situation to have such an experience, although it may not have appeared to be so perfect on the outer surface.

Leadership Position vs Leadership Actions

In addition to telling the CO that I wasn’t ready to be promoted,when I found out that I wasn’t required to go to an E-5 board as a “Stripes for Skills” soldier, I was determined to participate in as many Soldier of the Month and NCO of the Month boards so that 1) I would have the experiences, and 2) so that I would be able to help my own soldiers, as a future leader, prepare for their promotion boards, or other types of boards.

My squad leader (also a “Stripes for Skills” soldier, but a male) that SGT Butthead told me he had chosen over me, refused to help me prepare for one of the boards, let alone ever participate in one himself. However, I initially demanded that he did help me since he was my squad leader, and that’s what squad leaders are supposed to do.

Note: Image on right found next to link => shariyantes.com (thank you)

One day, when one of the new lower-enlisted soldiers said to my squad leader, “I thought SGT ___ was the squad leader,” (referring to me)—because my squad leader wanted to take more of a passive role—it occurred to me that labels of leadership positions didn’t mean much without one’s leadership actions that followed through. 

This experience later revealed to me that although SSG Butthead had tried to make me feel inferior, by basically stating that he had chosen a male “Stripes for Skills” soldier over me—despite me “willingly” having had sex with him—because the male soldier would more than likely be more competent than a female soldier…he was wrong.

Although my squad leader had his strengths—which were many in the eyes of society, to include a college degree, and his ability to often blurt out much gathered, useless data—his initial lack of heart for his soldiers and his lack of loyalty didn’t impress me, and I let him know. 

Ironically, towards the end my (and my second squad leader’s) second unit—a three year tour—I ended up as his platoon sergeant, which my First Sergeant (a former Special Forces soldier that I mention again below) found entertaining.

My second squad leader had reflected back to me who I truly was (i.e., having a great sense of humor, easily forgiving, having streets smarts and book smarts), as well as who I chose not to be (i.e., being buddy-buddy with others and then talking bad about them behind their backs, which I wrote about in the post, “Trust“; not desiring to help one’s soldier prepare for a board, having the need to often blurt out data to show how smart one is, etc.).

Lack of Teamwork: The Grown-ass Bully

From a limited earthly point of view, SGT Butthead resented anything that he felt was a threat to his power. He even humiliated our Lieutenant/LT in front of the entire platoon when our LT first arrived.

SSG Butthead also treated our LT like crap for a few months just because our LT had graduated from West Point, was highly intelligent and competent, and was HOT and popular among female soldiers.

I could understand using this method of intimidation if our LT had been arrogant, but he was far from it. 

Note: Image on left found next to link => www.timesofmalta.com (thank you)

However, in SGT Butthead’s ego self’s lower mind, our LT had to be judged, disrespected, ridiculed, and broken down, just because he was a so-called “West Point graduate.”

Like his judgment towards “Stripes for Skills” soldiers, SGT Butthead also resented another earthly label that he felt threatened by.

This method of poor leadership and a lack of teamwork encouraged other aggressive male NCO’s of lower rank to follow his lead—often abruptly cutting the LT off during his input of pertinent information.

I felt bad for our LT whose expression was often one of discomfort whenever the guys disrespected him. However, I sensed that sticking up for him, or expressing comforting words in front of the platoon, would only be giving more ammunition to the barbaric boys that reminded me of the out-of-control characters from the movie, Lord of the Flies.

Our LT was beyond professional and kind; he even cooked chicken coconut curry for our platoon one day at the recreation building.

A few months later, SSG Butthead became buddy-buddy with the LT, even giving him the nickname, “Habi” since our LT was half Pakistani and half Indian (d0t, not feather).

It was SSG Butthead’s way of letting the entire platoon know that he had the power to make someone unacceptable, as well as acceptable.

He got to play god (with the little “g,” since God with the big “G” doesn’t have a fearful ego self). If one was labeled unacceptable by him, like me or the LT, then most of his followers would treat us the same.

This experience later revealed to me that although I, too, have crossed paths with many others who seemed “better” than me in one way(s) or another, I chose not to resent them; but rather, admire and respect them for their strengths, and was often eager to incorporate them into my own way of Being as well.

The Irony of Another’s Judgment and Hatred

It’s interesting to discover what one can learn/remember from after organizing one’s memories in writing.

From an earthly point of view, I was judged, despised, disrespected, degraded, raped, and blown off as a female Korean “Stripes for Skills Soldier by SSG Butthead because I had no tactical and leadership skills, and I was supposedly part of a group that took advantage of the system; yet, SSG Butthead lacked technical, tactical, interpersonal, and teamwork skills, and had no leadership and intuitive skills (as well as self-esteem), as shown in all the subtitles under the sub-heading, “Observations of a Shadow to Better Understand Shadow Self.”

However, from my Higher Self’s point of view, my outer experiences of my so-called enemies stemmed from my own judgment towards myself of not having enough technical, tactical, leadership, interpersonal, intuitive and teamwork skills, as well as a deep, fear-based belief that I had low self-esteem.

Note: Image on right found next to link => learn.caconnects.org (thank you)

When I choose to expand my perspective, I realize that it was my Divinity within me—Higher Self/healed and integrated Soul/Trinity—God, Goddess and Divine Spirit/All That Is— who sent me these experiences—like crossing paths with SSG Butthead—for the highest benefit of my individual and collective soul growth/evolution.

The experiences were all meant to help others transform their weaknesses into strengths, as well as help me to:

• supposedly lose my dignity, in order to realize that my self-respect, self-worth, and self-honor are my Divine birthright
• seemingly lose my power, in order to learn (as a human being)/remember (as a soul) my true Divine power within.

Shadow Self Showing Up in Another

Once, while  SSG Butthead was on leave for a couple of weeks, an E-5 male NCO became acting platoon sergeant. During a fire drill, the NCO said to me, “You know, I’m really good in bed, so if you ever want to have casual sex, you can come over to my room [in barracks].”

I looked at him like, “Rrreally?” and then said in a somewhat joking tone, “Go back to bed SGT Guy!” The next day, shockingly everything went south.

SGT Guy gave me a lot of crap work, and when he was helping me to pack for PLDC (Primary Leadership Development School) as my sponsor, he aggressively shouted before every single item that had to be packed, “SGT____, DO YOU HAVE THIS ITEM?!”

Note: Image on right found next to link => www.australiancompetitionlaw.org (thank you)

I later confronted him and said through my teeth something to the effect, “I know exactly what’s going on. You’re so sure that I won’t report you because we’ve been friends, right? You’re right, I won’t go there; but know this: I thought your friendship was genuine, but I was wrong. When I had told you that I wasn’t ready for any romantic relationship soon after my divorce, you said that you understood and that you just wanted to be friends. You’re just another lying, two-faced asshole who abuses his rank.” To my great surprise, ever since that conversation, he backed off.

I learned from him, as well as from SGT Butthead, what not to do as a leader, and as a person.

Soldiers with Earthly Label “Stripes for Skills”

When I was offered such an incentive (“Stripes for Skills”) when I had joined the Army, I didn’t realize the price that came with it; otherwise, I would’ve declined.

I was just told by my recruiter that because I had scored high enough on my DLPT (Defense Language Proficiency Test), that I didn’t have to go to DLI (Defense Language Institute).

In addition, I was able to obtain the rank of PFC after basic training, and then have the opportunity to be promoted to sergeant/E-5 a few months after arriving to my first unit.

At the time, I thought it was a great offer for me and my family, but I was wrong due to my own ignorance. I was told by those who were against “Stripes for Skills Soldiers” that leadership and tactical skills cannot be gained within a short amount of time.

Note: Image on right found next to link => pub209healthcultureandsociety.wikispaces.com (thank you)

However, my roommate at my AIT (Advanced Individual Training)—half Korean and half Caucasian native Korean speaker/”Stripes for Skills” as well—brought up a good point.

I found it so refreshing that she was able to express herself very confidently while telling me that there was nothing to be ashamed of (looking back, she was reflecting back to me who I truly am); unfortunately, at the time, I allowed the opinions and judgments of others to negatively affect me.

Just as those who have prior nursing experience and skills (just one example) can become a “Stripes for Skills” soldier, so can a native speaker of a certain language. “Stripes for Skills” soldiers saved/s the government around a quarter of a million dollars just by not having to attend DLI for a year and a half.

In addition, like my Korean language instructor/a prior DLI instructor (for our refresher course in Hawaii) mentioned to our class  one day, that no matter how many years a non-native speaker formally studies Korean, they could never come close to what a native speaker can do with their speaking, listening, reading and writing skills.

Observations of Language Skills

I realized this truth when I had finally witnessed it at my second unit, a strategic duty station in Hawaii.

One day, one of the top 98G linguists/analysts—a Caucasian lower-enlisted Specialist/SPC E, who had the most experience with long-term analysis with a certain target group while at the 3-year tour unit—asked me to double-check something in a report.

I sensed that she decided to rely on my language skills because of a conversation that we had prior to that moment. 

She had asked me how my trip to Korea was while visiting my mother, and I filled her in on a few details of the major conversations I had with her—to include topics about seeing situations from a differnt perspective, forgiveness, and some wisdom that comes from so-called “negative” happenings in our lives, that to my great surprise, my mother had received well.

Note: Image on right found next to link => spanishstudies.blogs.aston.ac.uk (thank you)

SPC E then turned to me with a look of disbelief and asked, “So you had all those conversations in Korean?” I replied, “Yeah” while thinking that it was obvious and not a big deal, but then realizing that it was apparently so only from my perspective.

That day, I found out that SPC E wasn’t able to carry even a basic conversation in Korean, which surprised me because she seemed so great with her language skills..

Anyway, after I read the information that she wanted me to assist her on, I informed her that her interpretation was a little off because I didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was completely in left field, although my explanation explained itself.

She was one of the most ambitious, highly intelligent, observant, thoughtful, honest, analytical (of course), and diligent soldiers I had ever met.

Plus, she was a high-speed solider who effortlessly maxed her APFT every single time, and was even a triathlete who dared to participate in a triathlon while she was in her first trimester of being pregnant—I was there to witness the incredible moment. I also realized then how highly competitive she was; hence, telling her that she was way off would’ve destroyed her pride in her work.

I noticed that SPC E had recognized a few, foreign military terms within a section and decided to come up with her own interpretation.

I didn’t realize it then, but now I have a feeling that it was her ego self that was desperate to come up with another fancy report to show to the higher ups that she was indeed a great asset to NSA—preparing her to later apply for a senior analyst position with her Masters degree and 3+-year NSA experience, which she eventually achieved after getting out of the Army—that told a bigger story that it actually was.

It would be like noticing the words “flower,” “sky,” and “weed” in a foreign sentence, and coming to the conclusion that the overall sentence is talking about someone being on a beautiful hilltop on a sunny day—noticing the blue sky, a particular flower and weed—only to find out that the sentence is actually talking about a flower girl smoking weed and being high as the sky.

After that moment, I wondered how she interpreted and analyzed her usual 15-30 page reports that she often submitted on her own. However, I didn’t worry about it, because at the time, due to my own insecurities, I had a strong belief that her reports were more than likely way more accurate that mine.

Looking back, SPC E had reflected back to me who I truly was, as well as who I chose not to be (i.e., highly competitive in an unhealthy way, not sharing much learned information as the most experienced soldier in the section, pretending to know more than one actually knows, etc.).

While stationed at this second unit (once again, a three-year tour), I had three different platoon sergeants. The first one was a very unique and highly animated man with a great sense of humor.

He reminded me of the squirrel from the Disney movie Ice Age—because of his somewhat peachy face, big blue or green eyes, buck teeth, short height, scrawny figure, animated expressions and cleverness—as well as Yoda, with his wise appearing smile, very calm demeanor, seemingly neutral stance about life’s matters, and his voice that very much sounded like Yoda’s.

One day, while walking to the office space, he caught up with me and a conversation started. We were talking about the DLPT, and he leaned over while covering his mouth to share what seemed like an ancient Chinese secret.

He said that the reason why he’s been able to achieve the max score on the DLPT (3/3: one score for listening skills, and the other for reading skills) for so many years was because he figured out that he could memorize the test.

I recall recognizing some similar or the same questions, but because there seems to be so many of them, to include questions I wasn’t familiar with, it didn’t even occur to me to memorize them. Although, he, like some other non-native speakers scored high on the DLPT, he wasn’t able to speak basic Korean as well.

Looking back, that platoon sergeant had reflected back to me who I truly was (i.e., playful with humor, animated, clever, calm, wise, and neutral), as well as who I chose not to be (i.e., calculating with one’s logical mind rather than following and trusting one’s heart/soul/God).

While at the second unit in Hawaii, I went to TDY (temporary duty) to South Korea with a Caucasian female NCO/SGT Gosp who also scored a 3/3 on her DLPT.

When I informed her that I was going to visit my mother and Korean relatives during our weekend there, her facial expression made it clear that she wasn’t happy with my decision.

She said, in her usual whiney tone, “I was hoping we could hang out this weekend,”; however, I apologized and told her that I trust that she understands.

The truth is, a true friend would encourage their friend to visit family members in another country when such a golden opportunity comes up—at least that’s what I would do for a friend, or even a coworker.

I had sensed that SGT Gosp all of a sudden started being chummy with me ever since she found out that we were going TDY together to Korea, and also wanted to hang out with me that weekend, no so much because she liked me, but because she wasn’t comfortable with some solitude time, especially in a foreign country.

Although a piece of paper can show society that one is an Army linguist with the highest test score, a more practical test will reveal that regardless of one’s book training, one can barely function—while only using the country’s native language—if one happened to be dropped off in the middle of nowhere within that foreign country.

I had known SGT Gosp at my first unit, and at the second unit for a total of at least three years by that time, and we hardly even spoke, let alone hang out together.

I had made a few attempts to be cordial at our first unit, but I received nothing more than the famous and quick half-smile (showing no teeth) in conjunction with the “micro-expression of contempt” eyes. Since I wasn’t planning on kissing her ass, I just let it go.

Had she been a friend, I would’ve asked my mother if I could bring a friend along, and she more than likely would’ve been okay with the idea. Okay, maybe not. 

So if my mother wasn’t okay with it, I would’ve chosen to spend time with my friend and be her personal, yet informal, tour guide.

Although a part of me had felt bad about leaving SGT Gosp on her own, I now realize that it was in her best interest to have such an experience, which I sense helped her intelligent logical mind to come down a few notches in order to at least briefly merge with her heart intelligence.

Afterall, the only reason why our language instructor (mentioned above) had even compared non-native speakers of Korean with native speakers was because certain soldiers had it in their big heads that their high score made them all that, and a bag of chips.

Looking back, SGT Gosp had reflected back to me who I truly was (i.e., determined yet lazy, confident about what she wants and doesn’t want, observant, competent yet doubtful with comments like, “I think people give me way more credit for being smart than I really am”), as well as who I chose not to be (i.e., catty, calculating with ulterior motives, often making indirect comments with a smile to get under one’s skin, often instigating gossip with comments like, “OH MY GOD, did you know that…,” etc.)

So although I’ve heard plenty of bragging from others within the 98G MOS about their maximum DLPT scores, and how well they performed at DLI—and I was initially very impressed with them since the highest score I was able to achieve was a 3/2+—the transparent words no longer fazed me.

I never really cared if I didn’t achieve the max score because 1) it didn’t make that much of a dent with my job, since I could just as easily look up impractical words if needed. I also understood that if I truly thought it was urgent, I would’ve studied much more.

However, when a Warrant Officer/WO (a traditional Korean lady who was about 15+ years older than me, and didn’t speak English fluently) at my second unit approached me and basically said that I must be so ashamed of myself since I was the only native speaker in the unit who didn’t achieve a 3/3, I felt bad that someone—especially a so-called officer/leader who I wanted to look up to as a female role model—would want to be so hurtful toward a lower-ranking soldier.

I wrote about her, and the wisdom I had gained from several experiences with her, in another post; but when she had made her biting comment, I basically replied that I wasn’t ashamed because 1) I had never attended a Korean school before since I went to the States when I was three years old, 2) I grew up with my Caucasian father who adopted me, so I was bilingual growing up and 3) although I learned speaking and listening skills through my mother, I had pretty much taught myself how to read and write with the help of God and my cousins introducing me to the Korean alphabet when I was around six years old.

I also added that I could see how someone like her had no problem scoring a 3/3 since she had graduated from a Korean university, and she had much more experience with the Korean language and culture than me.

From an earthly point of view, the WO had quickly assumed I was the typical Korean-American soldier, and judged me for not living up to the typical standard. Although she was completely unaware of my background and history, she also assumed with her usual arrogant demeanor that she knew why my kids weren’t living with me at the time, and made her obnoxiously loud and snide remark of, “Life must be SO easy for those who don’t have to live with their kids!” as she walked by my section.

When I choose to expand my perspective—and see with clarity as my Higher Self’s consciousness—I realize that the WO (one of my shadows) was merely reflecting back to me (my own shadow self) my own shame energy that I felt within, which wasn’t necessarily about my lower than average DLPT score for native Korean speakers, but more about the deep shame that I was experiencing frequently, which stemmed from a fear-based belief about being a “bad” mother for having making the decision to join the Army in 2001 while leaving my toddler children with my first husband.

Although I intuitively sensed that I had experienced a synchronicity (i.e., three situations with the key word, “Army”) right before I had made that decision—and that I had a strong feeling that God was communicating to me to take that path that a part of me was frightened to do—I followed my intuition, which later led to some doubts and great fear due to my own lack of faith in the Divine Plan in which everything happens in Divine perfect timing and Divine order.

Deeply Understanding the Shadow of Teamwork

When I had a certain experience towards the end of my stay at my second unit (3-year tour), I thanked God for raising me up.

SGT Ram—a peer/squad member/section member—that I had often butted heads with, because he, too, didn’t like or respect “Stripes for Skills” soldiers, shared with me one day his conversation with the Battalion Commander/BC.

Our BC was a professional, yet, very laid-back kind of leader who surfed the Hawaiian waves, and had no problem joking around with soldiers and uplifting them; he was very approachable.

Apparently, while having a conversation with the BC, SGT Ram had complained to him about his opinions regarding “Stripes for Skills” soldiers in general. The BC then turned to him and gently said, “You know, there are diamonds in the rough.”

SGT Ram apparently smiled and replied, “You’re right sir, and her name is SGT____. I’ve never seen a solider like her, and she proved a lot of us wrong.” I thanked SGT Ram for sharing such a touching moment with me, and I was shocked that he even thought of me in that light.

Note: Image on right found next to link => www.asme.org (thank you)

After various earthly dramas, we had eventually made up, but I had thought that he was just tolerating me because we were in the same squad, and were stuck with one another for three years.

I liked a lot of things about SGT Ram, to include his great sense of humor, his passion for exploring various foods throughout the world, his savoring of the pleasures in life (like great food), his book smart balanced with some of his street smarts, and his ability to effortlessly have conversations about practically any topic.

So many stories were exchanged between us—to include our funny memories while working in the restaurant business as a waiter and waitress when we were younger; but the ones that stood out, I would treasure forever in my heart, along with the plethora of other soul-touching stories that I’ve collected throughout my life.

I’ve come to realize that they are all ultimately to deeply understand my Expanded SELF (me and all interconnected souls in this Universe)—everything in my outer reality mirroring back to me my inner reality/Universe/Trinity: God, Goddess and Divine Spirit/All That Is within me.

Whenever SGT Ram and his family of three (at the time) was done with his meal at a Korean restaurant, he told me that he would gather up all the leftovers—banchan (Korean side dishes) and even soup—in a togo box, take them home, and create a new combo meal/soup or stew; I noted that he was very thrifty.

One St. Patrick’s Day, him and his wife (both highly creative at cooking) invited some members of the platoon to his house for an Irish themed party. They made all these unique and delicious dishes that I had never tried before.

One day, while he was talking a lot of tech stuff, that I was focusing on staying with him, he looked at me, smiled and said, “I know…I’m a nerd” as though he thought he had read my mind.

I smiled back and replied, “I wasn’t thinking that, but okay, there’s nothing wrong with that. I was just amazed how smart you are with all the tech stuff that’s not my strength.”

It’s funny how we humans often make our own little assumptions that has nothing to do with the truth at that Moment of Now. Once, SGT Ram told me that he had seen me come out of my vehicle for the first time in the ginormous parking lot, and was quite surprised that I was driving a jeep.

I asked him why, and he said that he expected me to drive a sports car or something, which I thought was sweet of him to say. I had never even experienced driving a sports car until my mid thirties, and very briefly at that since I had a major car accident a few months later.

Before all the nice interactions, SGT Ram and I—as mentioned earlier—didn’t quite get along. Once, while doing our usual burn bag duty , SPC E (mentioned above, who was also in our squad/section) told me that she had politely and respectfully asked SGT Ram to help the rest of the team with the duty, but that he had brushed her off again.

I thought it was adorable that SPC E would coming running to me whenever SGT Ram would rub her the wrong way. She made it pretty clear that she was not fond of him.

Once, SGT Ram did his usual round of letting out a silent but deadly one, and then casually walking off—leaving others to nearly suffocate.

Unlike the rest of us who didn’t want to create an awkward situation, just in case it had slipped out, SPC E just straight up yelled at SGT Ram in front of our section members something to the effect, “You need to stop doing that SGT Ram! You smell worse than my dog!” She was spot on, his farts were hands down nauseating.

That definitely broke the ice though, because we all busted out laughing; SPC E saved our section from future suffering. SGT Ram, with a guilty smile, agreed to at least give us all a heads up…for the love of God.

Once, while our whole team was working on the weekend late at night, SPC E rushed over to me and informed me that SGT Ram had taken credit for something that I had researched by telling our Senior Analysts that he had found the information.

I shook my head side to side because I couldn’t believe the rat bastard would do such a thing, but then I brushed it off because it wasn’t anything major; plus, he apparently needed that shining moment more than I did.

Anyway, SPC E was very frustrated about SGT Ram not being a team player, and understandably so, because SGT Ram made it very obvious that he had no intention to listen to lower-enlisted soldiers.

In addition, it wasn’t the first or even second time that he had pulled off the stunt to get out of contributing to the mundane task that nobody else liked as well.

What he failed to realize was that the rest of us just did the so-called “dirty work” because it was one of our duties. I’m sure we, too, would much rather just sit around in front of our computers and explore the top secret world.

So I approached SGT Ram and asked him respectfully if he could help us out with the duty so that we could turn them in quicker and get on with our reports.

SGT Ram did his usual stalling technique of “Yeah, hold on, ” “I’ll be there in a sec,” “I’m almost done reading this,” etc., but this time, he would not have the 30 minutes plus to waste away.

Sometimes, when others don’t seem to understand the gentle kindness version of the assertive communication style (of “I respect you and I respect me”)—and may mistaken kindness for weakness—a more stern version of assertiveness can be effective; and if they still can’t seem to comprehend the words, tone, and body language, the aggressive communication style (of “I respect me but I don’t respect you”—that’s frowned upon by sometimes hypocritical society—may work wonders.

It seemed like a switch was flipped, and another side of me (a “darker” side) came out. I calmly said to SGT Ram, “Hey, here’s a crazy idea…how about you get off your lazy ass and help the rest of your team for once.”

Apparently that sentence immediately grabbed his wandering attention. Why? Because he was familiar with aggressive energy. He abruptly stood up and raised his voice, “Excuse me?! What did you just say?” to which I calmly replied, “You heard me” as I slowly approached him.

He then shouted, “You’re not my freakin’ mother!” And I replied, “Thank God for that because you’re not a good listener. How about we take this out into the hallway rather than make a scene, shall we?”

Out in the hallway, I asked SGT Ram to reverse the roles, and how would he feel if we had done the same to him.

I also made some other valid points that he couldn’t deny, like him often surfing the contents of the computer throughout the work day rather than doing his share of the team’s analytical work whenever we worked on big projects. He agreed in a gentle manner, and apologized sincerely.

I ended up visiting and apologizing to our neighboring sections of our cubicle land who looked very uncomfortable. Or maybe that’s just my interpretation.

Perhaps they were thinking something like, “These crazy-ass MFs were the highlight of my habitually boring-ass, code analyzing, often daydreaming, no sun-shining/recycled air work environment!”

I learned later that SGT Ram also had some slight issues with respecting females in general; hence, he sometimes vented to me about his wife (a home-maker and a mother of his toddler son), and how she could easily follow his simple instructions on how to take care of certain paperwork at home, since it wasn’t like she had a real job or anything, but she failed to do.

Whenever male soldiers or even friends vented about the women in their lives, I often found myself helping them to see the situation from a broader perspective, in order to birth peace. Looking back, that was my Higher Self Being in those Moments of Now through my heart/soul.

When I had met SGT Ram’s very traditional father and his sweet mother from I think Tennessee at a squad level gathering at SGT Ram’s house, I better understood why SGT Ram was the way he was.

His father made it clear that his wife (SGT Ram’s mother) was not on the same level as him as a life partner, but rather, that he was above her as the traditional “bread-winner” of the family.

So I imagine in SGT Ram’s eyes, the Army was no place for a woman, which explained why his wife (who was in the same MOS at one time) had gotten out of the Army.

Or, perhaps he had lost respect for his wife because she chose to get out of the Army. Either way, it was clear that he didn’t consider men and women as equals.

A the gathering, I suppose SGT Ram’s mother felt comfortable around me, though it was the first time I had met her, because she shared with me some stories about SGT Ram, to include one that was very soul-touching.

When SGT Ram was a child, he often played by himself because his father wasn’t exactly the “playful father” type—as most traditional men weren’t during that time-frame—and his mother was more of an observer.

She said that SGT Ram was often creative with his self-play—building things, talking to his toys, and deeply focused in the moment. I later realized that story explained why SGT Ram didn’t know how to be a good team player—since he was a child, he was often his own team of one.

A light came on just recently that SGT Ram as a child was how I was as a child as well, according to my own mother’s observations.

Looking back, SGT Ram had reflected back to me who I truly was, as well as who I chose not to be (i.e., initially not being a team player, doing non-work related things during the duty hour, taking credit for another’s work, etc.), because that’s how all of us souls roll with the Divine Plan—helping to trigger one another’s hurt energy deeply stored within our DNA from this lifetime and past lifetimes (through earthly dramas) so that we may have the opportunities to release the hurt energy, heal and Be whole, as well as teach one another priceless life lessons through reflections.

SGT Ram was/is/and forever will be my soul brother, more than likely part of my Soul Family/Soul Group/Oversoul/Monad.

Learning/Remembering to Validate Self

It was only recently (in my early forties) that I had learned/remembered to validate myself rather than rely on society to validate me, and I thank the Pleiadians, my Family of Light—from the book, Bringers of the Dawn: Teachings from the Pleiadians—for such uplifting words of empowerment and encouragement to accept and love self unconditionally, so that we may be able to fully accept and love others—our soul brothers and sisters—unconditionally as well.

One of my twice a day intention statements (another teaching that I learned from them) include, “My intention is to effortlessly not be concerned about others’ opinions, and whether or not they accept or approve of me. My intention is to effortlessly validate all of self/SELF.”

Note: Image on right found next to link => www.pinterest.com/explore best friend quotes (thank you)

It’s interesting to realize how everyone and everything is interconnected in this amazing and intricate web of Life.

As an introduction to this next story, I will use the following italicized sentence that was already mentioned above:

Perhaps they were thinking something like, “These crazy-ass MFs were the highlight of my habitually boring-ass, code analyzing, often daydreaming, no sun-shining/recycled air work environment.”

Our second platoon sergeant at my second unit, SSG Pacman, and his look in his eyes stood out the most after I had apologized to his cubicle section. I had often experienced a seemingly familiar look in his eyes that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

I used to think that his deep stares and very familiar tone that he used while saying certain words to me had to with something that he had against me as a “Stripes for Skills” soldier.

One day, when my third platoon sergeant wasn’t able to take me to a board as my sponsor the very last minute, SSG Pacman unwillingly stepped in since he was my former platoon sergeant at the time.

After the board was over with, he approached me and said that he thought I was going to embarrass myself and as well as him, but that I had surprised everyone.

His honest, yet hurtful words made me realize that my gut feeling was spot on about how he, and many others, continued to perceive soldiers like me—seemingly never giving us a chance to prove ourselves. I imagined that the negative label, “Stripes for Skills Soldier” would stick with me for the rest of my sad career.

SSG Pacman then filled me in on what happened after I was excused by the board members to exit the room once all was done.

The Battalion CSM, had apparently told SSG Pacman and my First Sergeant (who was also a member of the board) that he had sat in on many boards throughout his long career, but that he had never experienced feeling so refreshed. He then shouted, “That just made my day!”

His excitement didn’t exactly stem from a stellar performance due to answering many questions correctly. I actually missed more questions than I would’ve liked.

Because my BN Command Sergeant Major from my first unit (whom I wrote about in the link above) had taught her NCO’s the importance of understanding the meaning behind the NCO Creed (and not just memorizing the words), I had often practiced saying it to myself during my off-duty hours while feeling from my heart what the words meant, and how I would love to live by them to the best of my ability.

So, at the Battalion NCO of the Quarter Board, after a rapid fire style of questioning—where board members ask questions from whatever topic rather than a soldier knowing ahead of time what topic was being covered—-was complete, I volunteered to recite the NCO Creed to get extra brownie points to make up for the questions I wasn’t able to answer.

Looking back, the only reason I was able to impress the board members was due to my sincere intention to be a great NCO, and my willingness to connect the logical words of the NCO Creed with my heart (as Mind/Heart).

Although words like “Mind/Heart,” “The Moment of Now,” and “Higher Self” were completely foreign to my ego self back then, in those brief Moments of Now—because my mind and heart were one—I was able to raise and maintain my vibrational frequency and Be my Higher Self, and passionately express the words loud, crystal clear and confidently.

Of course, back then, I (my ego self) didn’t even know what it meant to Be one’s Divine Presence within the present Moment of Now, but I trust that my soul knew; and because I was in alignment with my soul during those particular moments, my soul shined through me.

Even though I felt sad that my former platoon sergeant didn’t have faith in me that I could perform well at a board, I was grateful that my first First Sergeant (at the unit)—a former Special Forces soldier—had faith in me.

After I won the BN NCO of the Quarter Board, my First Sergeant came to our section and wanted to have a talk with me. He told me how proud he was of me, and that I had blown away all the board members.

I couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. He then suggested that I compete in the NCO of the Year Board that was coming up soon, and that he himself would be my sponsor.

However, after thanking my First Sergeant for his uplifting words, I politely declined his offer and explained that as much as I would be honored to join him in such a great event, that such level of competition within that short period of time to prepare would mean that one must also use some duty-time to prepare for the board—which some soldiers did—which didn’t feel right.

I, as well as members of my analytical team/section were already working an average of 10-12 hours a day—sometimes until 10 p.m.—and even coming into the office during the weekends to complete major project reports.

My First Sergeant said that he understood, although he felt as though we were missing a great opportunity; he also said he knew that I could win. I hoped that I didn’t disappoint him since he was such a highly professional, competent, intelligent, observant and genuinely caring true leader.

His motivation and inspiration remained in my heart, and also reminded me of what a Lieutenant from my first unit (a former infantry First Sergeant) had made me promise—to one day become an Audie Murphy member like him.

At a later time, after my First Sergeant left his position to move forward in his career at the BN S-3, I decided to participate in the battalion-level Audie Murphy Board that I could study during my off-duty hours.

Although I passed both the battalion and brigade level competitions, I didn’t make it to the division level; and to my surprise, I was okay with that, and just grateful that I had the experiences.

Although I didn’t understand my former platoon sergeant—SSG Pacman—at the time, of why he would tell one of his former soldiers that he basically had no faith in them, I found out later, since all truths eventually become revealed.

About seven years later, during a CID (Criminal Investigation Division) of SSG Butthead and his former action mentioned above (now Sergeant First Class Butthead), I found out that SSG Pacman was buddies with SSG Butthead as Facebook friends.

It then instantly occurred to me why SSG Pacman had often given me strange looks that I couldn’t quite place my finger on, why he had sometimes complained about his completely Americanized Korean wife, and why he had told me that he thought I was going to embarrass myself, as well as him, at the board.

From an earthly point of view, more than likely, SSG Butthead had informed him about me—the Korean female “Stripes for Skills” soldier that he couldn’t stand, and hence, took advantage of through rape.

SSG Pacman’s strange looks towards me more than likely stemmed from seeing me through the eyes of his friend SSG Butthead. His complaints about his wife paralleled SSG Butthead’s method of complaining about his wife in order to make me feel sorry for him. And last but not least, his snide remark about how he though I was going to embarrass him stemmed from his judgment toward “Stripes for Skills” soldiers.

However, when I choose to expand my perspective—and see with clarity as my Higher Self’s consciousness—I realize that SSG Pacman (one of my shadows) was merely reflecting back to me (my shadow self) my own fear-based belief that others think poorly of me, that men want to use me for sex via manipulation, and that I was incompetent as a “Stripes for Skills” soldier.

Being Rather than Just being a Leader

The following story is why I had chosen to volunteer reciting the NCO Creed at the board I mentioned in the above story, as well as how I began to notice how certain things, people and events were interestingly interconnected, although I didn’t used those very words to describe the experiences at the time.

At my first unit, my BN CSM unexpectedly called me, and another female NCO, out during our morning battalion level formation to recite the NCO Creed.

I felt my heart drop to my stomach, but I reminded myself to just do what I had done when she had called some of us out at one of our Sergeant’s Time Training/STT.

Note: Image on right above found next to link => blog.pdus2go.com (thank you)

STT that Thursday happened to be in an empty theater since our BN CSM was also going to teach us about the meaning of the NCO Creed, among other things.

She asked the NCOs to be honest and to raise their hands if they had done what she had told them to do a week prior—to memorize the NCO Creed.

Some of us raised our hands. So our CSM continued, “Now, out of those who have their hands raised, continue to keep your hands up if you memorized the NCO Creed verbatim.”

To my great surprise, a lot of hands went down. It was a surprise because I couldn’t believe my peers would take the chance of pissing off our CSM, who was capable of being the calm within the storm, as well as the severe thunder and lightning storm.

Our BN CSM then called the approximately a dozen of us at the front of the theater. She then announced to us to recite the NCO Creed loud, clear and confidently—with her joining us—to the rest of the NCO’s (of mostly the ranks E-5-E-6) in order to show them how it’s done.

She then said, “Now, for those of you who didn’t raise your hands, come by my office at 6.a.m. Saturday morning with the NCO Creed memorized verbatim.”

After STT, my female First Sergeant (mentioned in a story above) called in all the NCOs of our company who had participated in CSM’s STT into her office.

She then stated that she was highly disappointed that they (to include my own squad leader) would have the nerve to brush off CSM, whom my First Sergeant highly respected and admired.

And then, to my great surprise, she added, “I’m very proud of SGT _____; you guys who are in squad leader positions right now could learn something from her, who is only in an assistant squad leader position right now.

At the battalion formation that morning, when our CSM had called the two NCOs out, I stood there with extremely sweaty palms in front of way too many soldiers staring at us. 

However, I took a deep breath, and when it was time to recite the NCO Creed together, I focused on the meaning, as well as the words.

As soon as we started, I noticed that I, and the other female NCO next to me, were not in sync. She was shouting out the words at a very rapid rate, which reminded me of the chipmunk cartoon characters’ voice.

I thought that we had agreed to say it out loud together, as one, but I wrong. I had believed that I was being slow, unable to catch up to her, but I realized later that more than likely her speedy performance had stemmed from her being very nervous rather than confident.

And because I had learned that her approach didn’t sound harmonious, I chose to do it my way—which was to recite it confidently and loudly from the heart, but not obnoxiously loud and in a hurry to get it over with.

A day or two after the seemingly embarrassing battalion formation moment, and after returning from the gym in the early evening, I was approached by a Lieutenant/LT from another company within our battalion.

He congratulated me for being able to recite the long NCO Creed, and that he was impressed. I thanked him and informed him that I was nervous. He then reassured me that I didn’t seem nervous at all.

While talking to my own LT one day (West Point graduate mentioned in a story above), I found out that the LT that had approached me was a very high-speed soldier.  He said that one day he visited the other LT’s room, and noticed how immaculate it was, and that every single thing was dress-right-dress.

I ended up running into the other LT every now and then within the compound, and one day, during a pool game and conversation, I found out that he had attended the Officer Course with my former and favorite Senior Drill Sergeant/SSG Brown (whom I wrote about in the post, “Treasuring Awe-Inspiring Souls“) which absolutely caught my attention and amazed me.

It was at that very moment that a thought had popped into my head, and made me wonder if SSG Brown attending the officer’s course was somehow connected to the thank you card/letter that I had sent him, as well as the other drill sergeants of my basic training in Ft. Jackson, South Carlolina.

During basic training one day, SSG Brown had shared a refreshingly honest and touching story with us about one of his major mistakes that he had made in his Army career which cost him a rank. Although he was the top 1% of soldiers due his wide-range of skill-set, to include being a drill sergeant, a sniper, air assault, etc., that shadow followed him. He never drank alcohol again.

He also shared a very touching story about his conversation with his wife and how she asked him if Jesus would make such a decision about a certain situation. From the look in his eyes while telling that story, it was crystal clear that he loved Jesus from the depths of his heart, and was willing to follow his footsteps.

I don’t remember the details that I had written in his card, but one of the paragraphs was something to the effect that he was a great leader who genuinely cared about soldiers, and that I believed his potential had no limits. I suppose I wanted to uplift him when he seemed discouraged about his Staff Sergeant rank, which could’ve have been higher.

I’m pretty sure I wrote something about God loving him in the card as well since that was something I often included in my writings at the time. 

Looking back, it was my Higher Self who had inspired me to send the thank you cards in the first place, allowing Divine Spirit to work through me in order to help heal others, and to send them loving energies.

The following italicized paragraphs and images—for the remainder of this sub-title—are sections from the above mentioned post, “Treasuring Awe-Inspiring Souls“:

After graduating from Basic Training, and upon arriving at AIT, I decided to send all my Drill Sergeants a “thank you” card and specified why I thought each one was a great leader. Of course, the most detailed card was DS Brown’s. I don’t recall all the details, but I do remember telling him something to the effect of him being able to go above and beyond in life because he was just that good.

I never found out if they had received my cards, but something told me that they did. God works in mysterious ways. While I was at my first unit, I happened to double play pool with a Lieutenant (LT) and his soldier at the post club.

He was quite a character, and he had a reputation of being very professional, intelligent, squared-away (i.e., competent, organized, dedicated, and ambitious)…but mostly, because he had a passion for taking care of soldiers. During our conversation, he mentioned that he would crawl through piss and shit for his soldiers.

He then called out to his soldier (who was his teammate in our game of pool) and asked, “PFC Snuffy, wouldn’t you crawl through piss and shit for me as well?” The nerdy, scrawny Military Intelligence (MI) soldier with thick glasses hesitantly answered, “Uhhh…it depends Sir…are we talking peace time or war time?” The LT jokingly yelled, “Get outta here!”

I couldn’t help but to chuckle. That soldier’s response was so typical of MI Soldiers…always analyzing a question, comment or situation. Anyway, LT started telling me a story about how he used to be an infantry First Sergeant (which explains his strong loyalty towards his soldiers), but decided to become an officer so that he would have more power and authority to make a difference.

Note: Image on left by coachdawnwrites.com

He then said that although he graduated the top of his class, he believed that someone else had truly earned it because  he was such a badass…professional, highly skilled in tactics and weaponry, extremely athletic, intelligent, nice guy, etc. He then added, “But he was very religious though” like it was a bad thing. Granted, now that I know better, I wish he already chose spirituality over religion so that he’ll be able to know his unlimited Higher Self.

Anyway, turns out the LT was talking about THE SSG Randell Brown, my former Senior Drill Sergeant from Basic Training. I couldn’t believe my ears! I was so happy for him! I just knew he was going to rise high like a Phoenix bird. I believe that the LT’s soul recognized DS Brown’s loving soul, and therefore, knew that he was the one who deserved to graduate the top of their class.

In my eyes, DS Brown is the best, regardless of how society labeled him. Well, that was the last I heard of him, but he will forever have a special place in my heart. He motivated me to become like him (an honorable soldier),…or at least something close to it, and he inspired me to become a more loving human being. I wish him many blessings.

Note: Image on right by atlantisqueen.com (thank you)

Conclusion of One’s Skill-Set 

The topics “Stripes for Skills Soldier” and the so-called enemies that were so challenging to forgive unconditionally, had been eating at me throughout my entire stay in the Army, and even after I got out.

However, after all that typing and finally freely expressing myself about them from both my ego self’s limited perspective (to heal), as well as from my Higher Self’s expanded perspective—that I had suppressed for way too long—I feel so much lighter! ^_^

Note: Image on right above found next to link => www.pinterest.com/Universe (thank you)

 

I’m very grateful to all extensions of my True Self/Divinity within—Higher Self/Soul/angels, Archangels, and Ascended Masters (especially Jesus the Christ/Sananda, St. Germain, Lao Tzu, Quan Yin, Mary Magdalene, Buddha, Ganesha, and others that I don’t recall yet)/spirit animals/Guardian spirits/Family of Light: Arcturians, Pleiadians, Sirians, Andromedans, Ashtar Command and other Guardians of Light/Multidimensional Self/Expanded SELF/Monad/Trinity: God, Goddess and Divine Spirit/All That Is/Prime Creator/Shakti—for assisting me with this process of expanding my consciousness.

In addition, when it comes to the those topics, I now come to a conclusion/closing/releasing/healing that despite me having been a “Stripes for Skills” soldier, I was able to show more leadership, tactical, technical, interpersonal, intuitive, teamwork and language skills than some others who had judged and disrespected soldiers like me.

Yes, I wore the obvious outer label “Stripes for Skills soldier” that others could easily point their fingers at and judge harshly in public; but I’d take that any day over wearing the outer label of “typical/normal soldier” who could care less to: be a good (let alone great) leader, teach others their tactical skills, share with others their technical skills, work together with their teamwork skills, and use their interpersonal, intuitive and language skills to better communicate with others.

I am grateful for my soul brothers and sisters (disguised as so-called “enemies”) who have taught me many lessons, whether they were reflections of my shadow self or reflections of my True Self. 

Reconnecting with Jesus’ Profound Teachings from Our Integrated Mind/Heart

It’s too easy to convince ourselves, or even others, that we don’t judge others, that we forgive others unconditionally, and that we unconditionally love our so-called enemies because we unconditionally love Jesus (Christ Consciousness/Divinity within us); however, when we dig deep into our hearts, is it really true? 

Or, do we not judge, forgive unconditionally, and love our enemies unconditionally just because 1) we want to get into a place called Heaven, and 2) we don’t want to end up in a place called hell?

We, as individual souls, will intuitively know the answer to this question if we choose to be transparent with ourselves.

If we truly desire to deeply understand Jesus’ profound teachings—regardless of whether or not one is a religious Christian—I trust that merely studying the bible, memorizing bible quotes, attending church every Sunday and during the week, doing a list of church work, confessing to a third party, paying a percentage of money to the church, or having a gist of an idea of the meanings of Jesus and God is not suffice. 

Of course, I’m not talking about the lack of challenges in simply not judging someone because they like a different type of music than us, or not forgiving a friend who we exchanged a brief argument with, or unconditionally loving a so-called enemy who happened to gossip about us.

I’m talking about digging much deeper, extracting profound wisdom from Life’s many great challenges, and finally experiencing what it truly means to: not judge self and another, to forgive self and another, and to unconditionally love self and another soul.

The goal is to deeply understand, empathize with, have compassion for, forgive, unconditionally accept, embrace (both positive qualities and negative  characteristics and traits of ourselves and others), and unconditionally love self and others as Divine Presence within, regardless what we may seem like to ourselves and one another on the outer surface—through our fearful ego self’s eyes.

Note: Image on right above found next to link => www.cityofshamballa.net (thank you)

The following is from the website biblia.com:

Judging Others (Matthew 7.1-5)

7 r“Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (Matthew 18:21-22),
21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? zAs many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Love Your Enemies (Luke 6:27)
27 “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, spray for those who abuse you. 29 To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. 30 Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. 31 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.
32 z“If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you blend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. 35 But clove your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. 36 Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

Love Your Enemies (Matthew 5:43)
43 f“You have heard that it was said, g‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet only your brothers,9 what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48 You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Insights from the Book, Bringers of the Dawn: Teachings from the Pleiadians

Recently, I started reviewing certain sections of a book I had already finished reading a while back called, Bringers of the Dawn: Teachings from the Pleiadians––to include highlighted words and phrases, notes, folded corners of the book, reminders, questions and thanking for clarity/answers from my Divinity within ahead of time, and comparisons with personal experiences.

Just like the book, We, The Arcturians, I gained new insight that I had missed the first time I had read the book.

The first main paragraph on pg. 58 (as well as the majority of pg 59) helped me to better understand why I had co-created certain posts recently, especially this one, which reveals many details of my shadow self that my ego self had suppressed for so long.

Note: Image on left above found next to link => www.alsonwongastro.com (thank you)

A Brief Message to My Former Enemies

 

I (as my fearful ego self) had convinced myself that I had forgiven certain “hurtful” enemies of the past, but the truth was…I hadn’t.

The hurt energy was still stored deeply within me, because rather than fully and freely expressing my “negative” feelings (as my shadow self) without judging myself (as my ego self), I (as my ego self) decided to suppress the angry and bitter feelings so that it could feel better about itself as a “good” human to self and society. 

Now SFC Butthead and SSG Fox (don’t know current rank), I forgive you unconditionally for all the earthly dramas we went through together.

I now accept that you—as my soul brothers—crossed paths with me, triggered me, and helped me with my individual and collective soul growth/evolution.

You were merely playing the roles of “bad guy”/”enemies” to me as human beings (the ego self) who had forgotten their true essence—unconditionally loving souls part of the Divine Plan and All That Is.

Note: Image on right above found next to link =>www.ascensionearth2012.org (thank you)

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Added November 12, 2014

The following italicized sections from the reading, “The Energies of November 2014” helped me to realize that the month of October and November was/is indeed focused on releasing what no longer serves my empowerment (part of my individual and collective soul growth/evolution):

“October and November feel a bit similar, with a little less intensity in November. Whew! October had the energy of focusing on healthy boundaries and releasing what is no longer serving your empowerment. The awesome astrology brought up some great energy for release as we compounded intense moon energy, powerful sun energy and a double whammy of eclipse energy in a mercury retrograde soup! You may have noticed patterns, people or beliefs coming up for review and release in October. Better out than in!

November will have a similar feel of boundaries, change and empowerment – though not quite as intense as October. November will have less of a feeling of saying no (letting go) and more of a focus on, “Yes! This is what I want to create!”[…]”

Added November 17, 2014

While watching the video from the reading,,”New Video; Integrating the Divine Masculine & Feminine, HUMAN Style!,” I noticed that there were moments where a part of me was a bit impatient with the speaker in the video; however, it all worked out well because the so-called “mundane” story that she eventually shared was an eye-opener.

Her story, seemingly about a simple haircut, provided further insight to this particular post, “Outer Angels and Demons Reflecting All the Inner Ones,” as well as many other posts within this blog—that so-called “others” in my life who had reflected back to me the extremes of the masculine and/or feminine energies within me (i.e., aggressive masculine energy and/or passive feminine energy) have helped trigger me to release those energies for transmutation and healing—that no longer support my individual and collective soul growth/evolution—so that I can Be Balance of the two extreme energies, which is assertiveness “I respect you and I respect me”/healed, integrated, and balanced Divine Feminine and Masculine Energies/Consciousness prepared to merge with Divine Spirit/All That Is.