The following sentence (only) is from part 6 of this post series, and is used as an intro to this post:
So why was I so judgmental about this aspect that pretends it’s something that it’s not? Update of insights and realization in part 9 of this post series.
When I expanded my consciousness—further opened mind and heart (to integrated Mind/Heart)—I was able to receive insights about why I’ve had a judgment towards the owner’s husband trying to portray himself as the Operations Manager.
And sure enough, soon after I had this particular realization—and the desire to discover other aspects that are still unknown/shadow/hidden within—I experienced an abundance of number synchronicity for a few days, to include 12:12 (yesterday).
And the number sequence, 1212, often reminds me of balance and harmony/completion/realization/MerKaBa/Spiraling Frequency (merged Light & Unconditional Love Frequency)/integrated Mind/Heart, Soul/Spirit, Yang/Yin, Sun/Moon, God/Goddess.
It occurred to me that I had a judgment towards self while stationed at my last duty station in San Antonio, Texas, with the exact position title of Operations Manager (shared on my Indeed resume, where I also added the link to this blog—something I kept hidden before).
Granted, it wasn’t that I judged myself because I was pretending to be an Operations Manager (like the owner’s husband)—without putting forth hardly any effort to contribute to the office—but its actual opposite (the gift of contrast).
I judged myself because I didn’t feel as though I was contributing enough in a new position that I didn’t feel I was worthy of being in, because it was usually given to those who had up to double the years of experience than I did.
However, just as my track record shows while in the the Army, I was often selected for a leadership position from a group of those who were higher ranking than me.
I was basically fast-tracking, though I often felt guilty about it because I would sometimes hear other soldiers complain and/or talk bad about soldiers who fast-track; I later realized this was due to jealousy.
So why did I feel bad about accomplishments? As I shared in one of the posts about my mother, this was conditioned since childhood.
I came home from school one day, and excitedly shared with my mother that I got an ‘A’ on something. She glared at me, and said in a very disapproving tone, “You know…your real dad was a braggart.”; and she continued stating how much she couldn’t stand him because of this unlikable aspect.
I also realized that this habit of judging self as “not enough” applied to many areas of my life since childhood.
However, it’s not too late to unconditionally embrace, and integrate these so-called negative aspects into whole self so that I can be free from judging self/others of the following:
Pretending to Be Something One’s Not
(like the owner’s husband)
I trust that this stems from a deep desire to feel worthy, to feel that one can be or accomplish something, and to be acknowledged, respected, and appreciated by others.
I shard this story in this blog before, but when I realized in 7th grade that I was tired of being passive, —after witnessing certain aggressive kids say mean things to passive kids—I practiced being assertive, until I became better and better at it.
Convincing Others that One has an Engineer Mind
(like the owner’s husband)
I trust that this stems from not truly believing that one has such a brilliant mind; hence, the strong need to convince others through bragging.
In addition, not being aware that a truly brilliant mind is very capable of what I mentioned in part 6 of this post series, “Well, they say a true genius can transform the most complex concept into something simple that the average person can comprehend.”
I’ve experienced being in the presence of some highly intelligent people throughout my life’ and the handful of ones who actually seemed wise and brilliant, simply showed how mentally and emotionally intelligent they were—especially via teaching what they know in a kind, deeply understanding,wise, patient, and effective way—without having to convince others that they were.
In addition, perhaps I’m resisting the allowance of the ‘engineer mind’ (not the actual, earthly position) aspect within myself to shine through, due to the conditioned belief that I’m not smart enough and intelligent enough because I’m not your typical, math-excelling, female Asian.
I would love to experience having an engineer-like mind, so I googled, ‘what is an engineer good at?”, scrolled down a little, and then clicked on the drop-down menu for the question, “What defines a good engineer?”
The following is a gist/gift of the article titled, “10 Characteristics of a Successful Engineer“:
- Team Player
- Continuous Learning
- Creativity
- Problem Solving
- Analytical Ability
- Communication Skills
- Logical Thinking
- Attention to Detail
- Mathematical Ability
- Leadership
I realized, that besides the mathematical ability, I’ve been pretty good at, or even great at, being all of these characteristics in my personal life, and within various types of civilian and military jobs throughout my life—especially while in the Army as a Cryptologic Korean Linguist/Analyst, and then Human Intelligence Collector/Analyst (aka Interrogator).
In addition, though I’ve managed to convince myself that I suck at math, and even joked about it with others, during high school, I took Geometry, Algebra I and II, and Math Analysis (a pre-Calculus course), and receiving decent grades (though not A’s).
Granted, I never had to use any of it for almost 30 years of my life, so I don’t feel like it was a big loss not to be really good at math.
Plus, I took two science classes every high school year—unlike most who only took one per year—which isn’t easy to do, along with all the other challenging classes and extracurricular activities, like Honors Society, Student Council, various sports (softball, basketball, and volleyball), science fair in Japan, Model United Nations Conference at UCR, etc.).
I did pretty well—especially considering I had no emotional support from home—and I’m typing this to remind myself, once again, that it’s time to FULLY LET GO of being too hard on self, underestimating self, and not giving self enough credit for all of my accomplishments throughout my life, to include, life lessons learned (and profound wisdom gained) from many personal experiences, high school, some college, work-related experiences, etc.
At the soul level, I trust that I—and all other interconnected souls—will end up knowing all that we need to know at every moment.
And if we don’t…then we have the benefit of easily finding out these days, where information—that needs to be taken in with discernment—is abundant beyond our human imagination.
Being a Narcissist
(like the owner’s husband, and others who showed up in my reality before him, like: my bio parents, a friend’s father, my husband’s former client, a former neighbor, and several coworkers from Sedona—all of whom I shared stories about to try and better understand, and have compassionate, for this state of being).
This aspect continued to show up in my reality, and I wondered why, especially when I thought I learned about it, acknowledged it, embraced it, and integrated it.
The following is from part 4 and 6 of this post series (but worth repeating AGAIN, since this seems to be one of THE MOST challenging aspects to master:
The following is a related section from part 4 of this recent post series (a great reminder):
The narcissist aspect—that exists within all of us to varying degrees (like the gaslighting aspect and all other neutral aspects that have a Divine purpose)—has sporadically showed up in my reality (in its extreme version) several times over the decades, starting with my biological mother.
And the narcissist aspect has literally pushed me near the edge of life to love myself more—to find a harmonious balance between the solar plexus chakra of the healthy version of ego individuality, and the heart chakra of loving interconnected others/Life within this world and way beyond.
I’ve learned the importance of unconditional love for self (though I haven’t mastered it yet)—that’s underrated by general society—because we cannot truly give to others from an empty cup, since self/others is One.
Because, if you’ve ever experienced interacting with hard-core narcissists, they not only make your life a living hell, but they can also end up unknowingly gifting you with the powerful inner-strength, fiery courage and BOLD determination to have healthier boundaries (part of unconditionally loving whole self more).
I used to believe that it was due to me being an extreme narcissist, along with many other “bad” aspects; hence, these “others” continued to reflect so many “negative” aspects to me.
And this type of confusion doesn’t help one to unconditionally love self, since one continues to believe that one is so awful, despite all the efforts to generously share much unconditional love with others, and NOT be hurtful to others.
However, I came upon a more expanded perspective in Divine perfect timing and order.
I highly resonate with the teaching of the 7 Mirrors, by the ancient Essenes (which Jesus was) shared by Gregg Brayden.
So unlike certain beliefs floating around about EVERYTHING mirroring exactly who we are—which I, too, became trapped and lost within—the 7 Essene Mirrors teachings (<= link to reading) speaks to my mind and heart.
A while back, I came upon various interpretations of the number sequence, 222, that I often see, especially when I could use some encouragement, upliftment, empowerment, and inspiration.
Besides the angel number website that I often use (whenever I feel like it, and only taking in what speaks to me)—ANGEL NUMBERS ~ Joanne Sacred Scribes—I also find myself deeply sensing that 222 represents the words or phrases: Beloved, “I Love You,” Nazarene (Greek gematria), and God Thoth/Jesus (aka many other earthly names).
Being a Con Artist
This one’s a tough one to embrace and integrate into whole self; because like all the other unsavory, negative aspects that are frowned upon by societies throughout our world, this one can be considered criminal (have legal consequences according to human law).
As I’ve mentioned at least a few times within this post series, I trust that ALL neutral aspects exists within ALL of us (to varying degrees).
And I stated “neutral” because I also trust that’s how Spirit—aka The Great Spirit/Holy Spirit/Source/Universe/Prime Creator/Creator of All Creation: Crop Circle 6666/Goddess/I (God) AM (Goddess) Presence—perceives All of Life/All That Is within this world, Galaxy, Universe, and way beyond.
Therefore, the Divine Mother Goddess is known to unconditionally embrace the interconnected whole, knowing that EVERYTHING—within the physical world’s contrast/duality/polarity of right and wrong, good and bad, light and dark, up an down, etc.—–have a Divine Purpose meant to ultimately highly benefit ALL (despite outer appearances from the limited, human perspective).
So when I wondered how I can let go of the need to judge the “con artist” aspect in self/others—and simply see it for what it is (in its various forms in varying degrees)—I received an inner guidance to first have a clear understanding of what it means.
One of the definitions of con artist is as follows:
noun: a person who cheats or tricks others by persuading them to believe something that is not true.
Example sentence (that seems to be perfect for the owner’s husband): “the debonair con artist lives by scamming rich women”
Now, it’s too easy to point the finger, and be quick to judge others who we think are (or know to be) con artists.
However, how often does humanity pause for some moments to reflect on the possibility that this aspect exists within self as well?
Probably not often, because it would cause one to feel guilt and/or shame, and make on feel like a bad person.
Many times within this blog, I’ve shared negative aspects that are often considered wrong, bad, and even evil, according to our world in general.
And now I’m going to dive deep into the dark ocean once again, so that I may shine Light and Unconditional Love (our core essence) upon these once repressed (during childhood)and/or suppressed (during adulthood) “negative” yet neutral aspects, that just want to be embraced, integrated, healed, and reunited into whole self, in order to come home.
According to the above definition of con artist, I can be this way too, though not to the extreme degree, like the above example.
As I’ve shared within this blog before, I had a total of eight jobs in Sedona within a little over two years, which is A LOT of job hopping.
I’ve shared stories of these Sedona jobs within another post series —and the life lessons I’ve learned from them—in this blob=g’s category page titled, Earthly and Otherworldly Puzzle Pieces.
In order to be able to get another job, I had the need to not mention most of the jobs that I had in Sedona (due to my ego self’s fear of not having a chance to even get a job).
I used to severely judge myself for doing this, but then I let go of it, because I deeply understand why I did it, and I choose to have compassion for self for doing it.
I also didn’t want others judging me for only the negative point of view that come with these eight jobs—like lack of: integrity, honesty, discipline, commitment, etc.—when I often am these positive qualities in other areas of my life.
I have so much to offer when it comes to abilities, skills, talents, profound wisdom, etc., that it didn’t seem fair to not have the opportunity to share them—due to these jobs not being displayed because the other, brief jobs are taking space on the resume.
Plus, when anyone hears about someone having back to back brief jobs, people often times judge that person as though something’s wrong with them (as our manager from our last said about another employee who’s the main scheduler).
And the won’t even realize that the inability to stay long at these Sedona jobs could be due to having experienced some of the most “negative” and “crazyass” people one’s ever encountered on this planet.
I used to think it was just me, but I found out from every one of these eight, Sedona jobs, that there’s a high turnover rate at all of them.
I was even informed by the Director of one of the galleries here, that Sedona is actually known for a high turnover rate, which makes it challenging to get lasting employees, who also do a great job.
I trust that these patterns of chaos in all of these jobs are due to the powerful Sedona energies pushing up and amplifying once repressed and suppressed negative energies within us.
This causes these old/dense/low-vibration/negative energies to often show up in our 3D physical reality to finally be noticed, acknowledged, embraced, integrated, healed, and reunited into whole self .
I have a feeling I won’t be getting another Sedona job, but who knows. I swore up and down another time, and I still ended up experimenting with life due to curiosity (perhaps this explains why I have two cat pets, named Shadow and Leo).
Will continue revising within same post another time (need break to relax and integrate); and will update part 7 and publish part 8 (draft) another day
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