I used the following section of the previous post as an intro to this post:
To my great surprise, the owner admitted that she was highly sensitive for the first time, though a couple of weeks prior to that day, she was making fun of the most experienced Retreat Coordinator (an older lady) for being highly sensitive.
She asked me and another coworker, “Do you know that I gave her a free retreat [with healing sessions] for several days? And instead of it helping her, it made her worse. Now she’s walking around acting like a twat.” [i.e., causing everyone to walk on eggshells due to her throwing up the “I’m highly sensitive” card, while saying and doing whatever she felt like that’s insensitive, to include being very passive-aggressive at times). By the way, I had to look up what a twat is at home]
I actually heard from the most experienced coworker herself that the owner had gifted her a retreat (which was a surprise even then).
But when the owner confirmed this, it further opened my eyes—especially after other issues with this coworker.
I started to strongly believe in the healing power of our spiritual retreats, and even did a pretty good job of convincing very skeptical, potential customers—who had a lot of questions about spirituality in general—to come to our retreats.
But I think that faith faded a bit, though I trust that they’re still pretty helpful, at least much more than a lot of belief systems and religions that seem to be much more limiting; and perhaps some folks need much more than a single retreat of healing sessions.
At this particular staff meeting, I had my opportunity to share some expanded perspectives about being highly sensitive (sinceI am too).
I mentioned that I don’t like it when people dismiss or ridicule highly sensitive people, since I and others are one, and because it can be a highly beneficial gift for self and others.
The message right above was mainly for C______ (the main scheduler) who said she couldn’t deal with “You sensitive people” (mentioned in part 4 of this post series).
But I continued…at the same, just because we’re sensitive, it doesn’t make it right for us to expect everyone else to walk on eggshells around us, while we say or do whatever the hell we want that’s insensitive.
But rather, it’s also about being cognizant of, and respecting other’s needs, preferences, feelings, expressions, etc.
The second part of the message, right above, was for the most experienced Retreat Coordinator (RC), since she, too, is highly sensitive, but had a tendency to exactly what I stated (details of improvement in part 7 of this post series).
To my great surprise, as I was finishing what I was saying, I saw an almost teary, deep, soulful eye contact from the owner that came with a look of…disbelief, wonder, or awe perhaps? (or maybe, “This b!+ch is CRAzy!”??)
It was the most gentle, authentic, vulnerable, innocent, beautiful, and heartfelt expression I had ever seen on her face; I just wanted to give her a bear hug.
Continuing:
The rest of the RC’s had informed me that they’ve had to walk on eggshells around this coworker for over four years—to include catering to her every need, wants, likes and dislikes, etc.—since she often threw the “I’m highly sensitive!” card.
Since they didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about any of it, I desired to find ways to work things out, in order to create more more harmony in the office (via heart to heart talks with this coworker when it felt like perfect timing).
For example, after witnessing her rush over to the Alexa or the AC on different days—to turn off certain music that she didn’t like hearing, or to turn off the AC (without asking anyone else’s input)—I made note of these occurrences.
That way, whenever I did have an opportunity, I could say that I witnessed her doing these things myself, so that it didn’t come off as other coworkers venting to me; hence, me bringing it up to her.
Though we had butt heads before—due to me assertively confronting her about her tendencies to make passive-aggressive comments, followed by apologies—to my great surprise, she was very receptive to what I had observed about her, and was open to find ways in which we could all make things work for all of us.
She even asked follow-up questions, like, “Hey Barb, so does this sound like a good way to ask them?” [she asked if she could call me this version of my name, and I told her I didn’t mind as long as she didn’t call me Barbie].
I replied that it sounded good, and gave her a requested example like, “Hey guys, I’m having a hard time concentrating with this type of music. Do you mind if I change it to something else [or turn it off]?”
But then I also told her that there was no right or wrong way to express it; and that she should just speak from her heart, like ask herself how she would like someone to be courteous to her.
I’ve learned, from observations, that this particular coworker is an awesome team player, though she may have her own set of quirks and pain in the @$$ moments and tendencies (like the rest of us).
So even though both her and our manager weren’t able to learn and teach from one another, I shared with the manager what I noticed doesn’t work, and what works.
Like I shared near the beginning of this post series, our manager—not having any prior leadership and managerial experiences—yelled at me on two different occasions for asking a simple question, and when she falsely accused me of doing something I didn’t (which she ended up apologizing for after I asked to talk with her in the office).
Since the manager had a tendency to noticeably become irritated, annoyed, and downright angry, whenever someone had a question, our most experienced coworker was conditioned to shrink whenever the manager rushed over to her desk to help; and would tell the manager things like never mind, or even ignore her (which would further irritate the manager).
So whenever this coworker asked me a question, especially computer related stuff, I would teach her the way I’ve always liked to teach others—family, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, strangers, coworkers at civilian jobs, to Soldiers, peers, and higher ups while in various leadership roles in the Army (to include Instructor), and to children as an Assistant Preschool Teacher.
And this method was pretty simple—be unconditionally kind, gentle, understanding (that everyone learns differently), patient, informative (don’t withhold important, helpful info/Light), and wise (share wisdom, especially profound wisdom, whenever it’s beneficial); and this is the way I like to be taught as well.
Sure enough, we both experienced more of these comfortable teaching and learning moments—where she, too, taught me a lot of things—and we ended up building a trust that both teaching and learning can be enjoyable, rather than dreaded.
And as time went by, my coworker would excitedly ask me questions, rather than her old ways, which came off insecure (due to the conditioned fear of how I might become irritated with her the way the manager did).
I shared this method with the manager, and to my great surprise, she acknowledged that it made sense, and that she was going to work on being more gentle, kind, and patient while teaching.
Though our manager said she hated teaching, she was very knowledgeable, and became better at it.
Continuing within same post tomorrow..[since I updated the previous post, part 6, on 3/5, and I was working on part 8 and updating part 6 on 3/6, I will update this one after taking a short break]
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