Recently, I watched a very helpful video, “Gaslighting (What is Gaslighting and How To Heal From It)” that answered a question I had asked Spirit within.
I wondered why I was attracting a handful of people in my life (mostly in Sedona) who would gaslight me; and if it was due to me gaslighting others.
Though I wasn’t able to recall any moments in which I did, I’m open and willing to dive deep within, and explore the possibilities.
I’m very grateful that Teal created and shared this video. She has talked about gaslighting in at least one of her other YouTube videos before, but I think this was the first video about gaslighting itself.
And I appreciate the insightful suggestion to look deep within oneself, and realize that we attract people who gaslight, because they’re mirroring our lack of trust for ourselves.
I think I first learned about gaslighting while living in Flagstaff, AZ between the fall of 2017 and 2019; and I’m pretty sure it was from Teal Swan.
As soon as learned about it, I instantly had flashbacks of past experiences—with certain family members and coworkers—that perfectly matched what gaslighting is.
Before then, I didn’t know there was even a word to describe this very unpleasant experience that made me feel so tormented and full of anger, or even rage.
The most popular gaslighting phrases I’ve heard so far:
“You’re too sensitive”- “I never said [or did] that.”
- “I already told you.”: I’m SO DONE with this one that I’ve intended to start a new life in the near future, and continue to reinvent myself on all levels. I even chose the Phoenix spirit guide oracle card three times within this month, so I trust that everything that will highly benefit self/Soul/Spirit within will unfold in Divine perfect timing and order.
The narcissist aspect—that exists within all of us to varying degrees (like the gaslighting aspect and all other neutral aspects that have a Divine purpose)—has sporadically showed up in my reality (in its extreme version) several times over the decades, starting with my biological mother.
And the narcissist aspect has literally pushed me near the edge of life to love myself more—to find a harmonious balance between the solar plexus chakra of the healthy version of ego individuality, and the heart chakra of loving interconnected others/Life within this world and way beyond.
I’ve learned the importance of unconditional love for self (though I haven’t mastered it yet)—that’s underrated by general society—because we cannot truly give to others from an empty cup, since self/others is One.
Because, if you’ve ever experienced interacting with hard-core narcissists, they not only make your life a living hell, but they can also end up unknowingly gifting you with the powerful inner-strength, fiery courage and BOLD determination to have healthier boundaries (part of unconditionally loving whole self more).
What I’ve learned from personal experiences—especially since the summer of 2019 while working at my eighth job in Sedona—is that others gaslighting me have helped me to build more trust and confidence in myself.
I practiced standing firmly on my ground of what I experienced and perceived to be true, and refused to allow others to manipulate and drive me crazy.
While working one day at my last job in Sedona, one of my coworkers—the main scheduler who’s in her late thirties—suddenly turned around from her desk, and asked me with a questionable facial expression (that didn’t feel like ‘a good talk’), “Barbara, can I share something with you, and you don’t get offended?”
I replied, “Sure,” while also wondering why she prefaced her question in that way; and immediately realizing that she was more than likely aware that what she was about to say was, indeed, considered offensive.
She went on saying that she named one of her nephews (who’s an adult), chink, because he looks more Asian than Hispanic, and she was wondering if she could use the word, chink, around me.
I informed her that it seems that she’s just using that word as a joking, term of endearment with her nephew, so it doesn’t bother me as long as that word’s not used to try and get under another’s skin, be hurtful, or make another feel bad about themselves.
I thought we were cool until she continued, “Well, his eyes are like this [making the exaggerated, slanted eye gesture using both her hands and eyes], REALLY small like yours.”
Though her combination of verbal and non-verbal expressions didn’t feel so good, I thought, “Not C______,” because I didn’t want to think that she would intentionally be hurtful in a roundabout, passive-aggressive way.
I slightly smiled and asked her in a somewhat joking tone, “C______, are you making fun of my eyes?”
I then shared with her that I admit it’s been a challenge to embrace my very small eyes my entire life.
Because ever since childhood, my mother told me how very small they were—and that she would gift me with plastic surgery when I grew up (though she never did)—which made me feel like something was wrong with me.
But that I’ve been learning to embrace more and more aspects of whole self since my late thirties (when I learned about Unconditional Love), especially the aspects that general society considers unacceptable, undesirable, wrong, or bad.
Therefore, I’ve chosen to even come to work without any makeup most of the days.
About a month or so before this day, C_____ shared with me that she felt self-conscious about not having makeup on at work.
Ever since the lady who does her fake eyelashes dropped glue into one of her eyes, she discontinued wearing makeup for a while.
I told C_____ that she’s naturally beautiful, and she doesn’t have to feel uncomfortable, since the discomfort is due to society having conditioned humanity to believe that beauty is within a certain box.
I continued that we (her and I and anyone else) could practice embracing our own unique beauty at work, and she smiled and thanked me.
That evening, while at home, I wondered why C_____ had said what she had said.
I then had flashbacks of when C______ said and did certain things to me in the past several months, that seemed to bring more puzzle pieces together (stories after this one).
The next day, and on my last day of work with her, were the two days that I experienced her attempts to gaslight me—gently on the first day, and aggressively on the last.
The next day, I asked C_____ if we could briefly talk right outside the office, and she agreed.
I started off by saying that it wasn’t easy for me to express what I was about to express, but that I needed to, in order to be at peace.
I then told her that I was cool with what she initially said yesterday, and I wasn’t going to get offended if she used the word chink, but as soon as she said, “His eyes are like this—-and made the exaggerated gesture of Asian slanted eyes with her hands and eyes—followed by, “REALLY small like yours” I noticed that it didn’t feel good, like she was trying to make me feel bad that I had REALLY small eyes.
She immediately started smiling, along with an uncomfortable, half@$$ laugh, and replied that she would never say anything hurtful like that to me, especially since she recalled a childhood story that I had shared a while ago about my mother’s judgments about my appearance throughout childhood and adulthood (i.e., that I had very small eyes, a big forehead, and huge thighs, and that I always needed to wear makeup while out and about).
She continued that what she meant was that her nephew has really small eyes, not me; and said that she considers me beautiful, and that she wished she had a body like mine.
Though genuine compliments tend to feel really nice, insincere flattery doesn’t.
She then added that she’s always hated when people made fun of her, saying that she has REALLY big eyes.
Speaking of which, I wanted to ask her at that moment, “Well, how would you feel if I asked you, ‘Hey C_______, can I share something with you, and you don’t get offended? You see, I nicknamed one of my nephews, wetback goldfish, because he looks more Hispanic than Asian, and he has REALLY big eyes like you.'”
I really doubt she would take it well; and she would definitely be pissed if I told her that she misunderstood due to being too sensitive (the latter of which she threw in my face later, after she brought this up again).
C_____ continued, “Even yesterday after work [the day of the “chink” conversation], some guy drove by me and shouted, ‘Chubby!” in Spanish, which made me feel bad.”
As soon as she shared this important piece of information with me, I had a flashback of what she had said months ago.
“It’s karma,” she reassured our manager in a hopeless, yet, accepting tone, when they realized that they were both experiencing back to back to back negative occurrences like:
- the manager’s car breaking down 3 times within the 5 months that I’ve worked there, her son getting into a fight on the school bus (due to kids picking on him because he’s different), her apartment over-flooding, her having serious legal and financial issues, her fb friends sending her horrible messages (I asked her why she’s even friends with such people), etc. At one point, when the manager became so frustrated with all the negativity that was showing up in her life, I shared with her that whatever we often focus on, we will radiate that vibrational frequency (our FEELING state) outward, which then attracts like energies back to us (LOA: Law of Attraction); and until we become so incredibly tired of all the crap that keeps showing up, we will continue to focus on negativity. She agreed. I only shared this type of information (Light) because she seemed to comprehend this language at some level. I also shared a simplified version with C_____, another day, doing my best to tailor the info to what she seemed comfortable with.
- C_______ having alcohol issues (like blacking out at a bar), major family issues, to include a loved one being hospitalized, another one being suicidal, and others possibly involved in a neighborhood shooting in Mexico, etc.).
I didn’t bother to argue with C______ that I knew what I experienced and perceived, since I already shared my honest experience; I just let it go.
However, days later, she brought up the “chink” topic again, out of the blue; I noticed a pattern of her randomly blurting things out, which she may have been thinking about to herself I suppose.
So this time, when she tried to cleverly wiggle her way out, change the story, and make it seem like I was overly sensitive (hence, misunderstood), I assertively corrected her on the spot, in front of other coworkers, of what actually happened; and she didn’t deny it, but just smiled an uncomfortable smile, and tried to be all lovey dovey cute about it.
When I reflected on all the signs that I didn’t really focus on before, things started to make more sense.
A month or so after I started working at this job, C_____ told me that she’s so tired of everyone talking bad about someone as soon as they leave the office.
I initially thought she was also including herself within the group of ‘those who were talked about,’ but then I later realized that she mostly ate lunch at the office.
It didn’t occur to me until much later that she more than likely planted that seed of doubt in my head, so that I could wonder, be concerned, or even worry about my coworkers talking bad about me whenever I went to lunch, or was off.
Besides one other coworker, who only works part-time, I was the only one who often went home for lunch (since I lived less than 2 minutes away, walking distance).
One day, C told me that she’s a very jealous person. Though I managed to convince myself that it doesn’t apply to me—since she referred to me as a friend one day (though we never hung out)—I started recalling moments where she behaved strangely.
One day, she busted out laughing out of the blue like a madwoman—the same way she suddenly turned around from her desk and brought up some random topic about my eyes being really small like her nephews (whom she nicknamed chink).
I asked her what was so funny, and I found out it was because I had made a work-related mistake.
It was a busy day, so I didn’t think much of it; however, the evening where I pondered about the odd ways of C_____, I received an idea to look up articles about signs of coworkers who feel threatened by you (which I’ve never done before); and sure enough, one bullet on the list stated that a jealous coworker will outwardly enjoy another’s mistakes or failures.
Though it never feels good whenever something like that happens, I’d like to explore the bigger picture.
When I expand my perspective, why would one laugh at another’s mistakes?
More than likely because it makes them feel better about themselves. C did admit to everyone in the office that she’s made a lot of mistakes, so she probably felt relieved that it wasn’t her mistake this time.
I can have compassion for that, and I unconditionally forgive her (unconditionally because she never apologized, she still may not feel sorry about it, and my forgiveness is not based on reasons like: to feel better about self, to be accepted by others, to be approved by a higher power, to go to a place like heaven, to avoid going to a place like hell, to avoid negative karma, etc.)
A week or so before Christmas, C______ asked me, in front of another coworker, what plans I had for Christmas. I shared that my husband, two cats, and I were going to hang out at Phoenix for a couples of days. When she asked what we planned on going, I told her that it was mostly eating delicious food at restaurants that aren’t available in Sedona, taking our cats to a local park with the new cat stroller that we recently bought, and some shopping.
In the middle of me sharing, I noticed a very quick, non-verbal expression that’s known as one of the most micro-expressions, that of contempt.
It’s where one squints their eyes and glares at you within a nanosecond or so because whatever you said and/or did didn’t sit well with them.
Her gesture made me realize that I shared too much info (though I usually don’t, and I only shared because she had asked, and I got a bit excited sharing since I’m often the active listener during conversations).
When I expand my perspective, I realize that C_____ more than likely feels lonely and undeserving of happiness, so hearing someone else mirror the contrast of joyful plans, probably made her feel envious or jealous because she didn’t believe she could Be, have, and do much uplifting abundance as well (though we all can).
C_____sometimes talked to the office about how she wants a man in her life (she’s divorced), but she wants to wait so that she doesn’t have to meet someone like herself.
This refreshingly honest, yet sad, statement made me realize that she has some understanding of our outer world mirroring our inner world.
However, that wasn’t the case whenever she would blurt out one of her favorites topics.
She would complain that our office is the worst work environment that she’s ever experienced due to all the negativity, gossip, and throwing people under the bus (mainly referring to our manager).
But yet, her and the manager were friends, and hung out at times, and C_____ also contributed to much negativity, gossip, and throwing people under the bus (she tried to get the manager and another coworker fired, to which I suggested to the owner that she give them another chance since there’s been slow, but, gradual, positive changes).
One day, when C____ complained about this god know how many times, I assertively said, in front of another coworker, that I realized how important it is to also be cognizant of our own thoughts, words, actions, and behaviors, by asking ourselves questions like, “Am I also contributing to all the negativity, judgments, gossip, throwing under the bus, etc.; because it’s too easy to be quick to judge of others.”
Though she agreed, I don’t think it sank in, because she continued her ways.
On my last day of interacting with her, and she brought the same crap again, I asked her, “Whenever you say that our office is the worst work environment that you’ve ever experienced, you seem to be saying that the rest of us are the problem, but you’re not. So how do you think that makes us feel, when we’re doing our best to make the office an overall positive work environment?”
C____ often blurted out, while working:
- how much she couldn’t stand, or even hate, certain Angel Guides and Master Practitioners
- how a lot of the clients got on her nerves
- how miserable her life is
- how furious she gets while driving to and from work
- how she’s looking for another job
- a lot of details about the dramas of her immediate and extended families
- the negative news happening in our world
- the gossip of Cottonwood (e.g., who’s sleeping with who)
- shallow conversations: One day, I was so zoned out—while C and the manager were yapping away like there’s no tomorrow (as usual)—that I didn’t even notice the owner of the company had walked into our office like a ninja. But I sensed a presence to the left side of me, and sure enough, when I turned my head, the owner was standing there with one hand on her hip and a look of, “You gotta be F!@#in’ kiddin’ me.” C_____ continued talking away since her back was towards the owner, so I tried to help a sister out and gently said, “Hi _______” (to the owner). Cindy immediately became silent, and the owner asked in a high-pitched, whiny, sarcastic tone, “So we’re talking about boogers?! Don’t stop, keep going!!” I felt a sense of relief and satisfaction that they finally got busted; it was getting so old and draining. So I embrace (and integrate into whole) the “negative” aspects of self that:
- can be negative (it comes and goes)
- enjoys another’s mistakes (being relieved that C and manager got busted, though it didn’t stem from jealousy, just irritation)
- gossips (telling stories about others like in this post)
- and throws another under the bus (the way I got my manager fired in previous post, which I no longer regret)
since every neutral aspect exists within all of us to varying degrees, though the goal is not to allow whatever negative and non-beneficial aspect to take over the whole ship (whole self).
Anyway, I realized just now that I gaslighted myself by somewhat convincing myself that what I witnessed—C’s micro-expression of contempt—wasn’t a big deal, though it happened at least twice, and it was one of the neon signs that whispered, like a premonition, that something unsavory (and then delicious) was about to happen.
To my great surprise, C______ once told me and another coworker that she’s a very negative person, and that even her previous manager who she was dating told her that she has a very dark energy.
It was a surprise not because she wasn’t negative, but that she was willing to admit it.
I told her that I respected her transparent honesty, and shared that we all have this dark and negative energy within us; but the key is to embrace and integrate it into whole self, but not to allow it to take over the whole ship (whole self).
One day, I could tell that she was trying so hard to find mistakes from an itinerary I had typed up (to help her part of the job).
She stood next to me with her arms crossed, her lips tightened, and her nostrils flared like she was looking for a fight.
She was displeased that I did parts of the itinerary according to the training manual; but my other coworker backed me up by telling C_____ that the manager didn’t bother helping me at all the other day, though she claims to be fully trained on doing scheduling (despite hating it).
And I had never done that part of the job before; hence, I followed the training manual since no one was willing to train me. C_____ said she understood, but had me redo the itinerary three times since I didn’t do it her way (though I didn’t even know what her way looked like).
The third time, I became noticeably irritated, and assertively told her she needs to tell me exactly what she wants, all at once, so that I don’t have to keep re-sending the itinerary to all the Practitioners.
She had a quick, little, disturbing smirk on her face and apologized with an insincere tone, which made me wonder if she set me up.
Though the new training manual stated certain things, that we were all supposed to follow—since they worked for years, and have been updated as needed—she insisted on doing things her way, though she was fairly new as well.
This eventually backfired and created many mistakes that frustrated all the Retreat Coordinators (who had to clean up the mess), the Manager, other employees, and the owner/founder of the company; and C_____even admitted to it.
I even asked C____ on three different occasions if she could take a moment, whenever she gets a chance, to quickly type into a Word doc (and share with the rest of us) all the helpful information that she knows (that she often bragged about, that’s apparently stored in her memory only).
I added that another coworker—the most experienced one who’s awesome with teamwork—and I have been gradually adding to the working Retreat Coordinator manual (that we shared with the staff) whenever we a got a chance in-between daily tasks; and it built up quite nicely with a lot of helpful information.
I continued that heaven forbid something happens to any one of us, but if it did, it would be much needed to have manuals in place.
However, the suggestions went into one ear and out the other. She often complained how she’s so busy that she doesn’t even have time to ring the gong (something the owner wants us to do), or take helpful notes, but yet, she has plenty of time to BS.
It became crystal clear that C______ had no intention to do teamwork in a respectful, kind and patient manner.
It seemed that in her mind, she was the boss, though she wasn’t.
One day, one of the other coworkers informed me that she witnessed twice, C telling people who called, “I’ll have one of my Retreat Coordinators call you back” as though she was the manager or owner. C____ even referred to one of the coworkers as, “My M____.”
It tickled me, and it reminded me of how toddlers, at the age of three, go through the “my” stage of, “My toy!” “My cookie!” “My friend!” etc. when they’re developing their individuality via their solar plexus chakra.
I learned—from one of Vicki Howie’s YouTube videos from the chakra boosters website—that when this chakra didn’t fully develop during our childhood, it can manifest into our adult stage reality in unhealed ways.
This explains why, though her mother had passed away a couple of years ago, she still pretends as though she lives in another city.
One can have deep compassion for this unhealed aspect which seems to stem from separation anxiety (probably not healed from infant development stage).
The manager also said that C has a very unhealthy, codependent relationship with her adult children; and though this manager had a tendency to say a lot of negative stuff, she was pretty spot on about a lot of her keen observations.
She even suggested to C_____ that she do some sessions with the Practitioners to heal childhood wounds, but C told her that it wasn’t necessary, and just did a session of psychic work.
C also told me the last day we worked together that I had should get as much healing work done with Practitioners, since I seriously misunderstood her “chink” expression (part of gaslighting), and I’m too sensitive.
She even made a comment about not being able to be around “you sensitive people,” but I let it go since she was adamant and on a role about proving she was right (another need for her fragile ego).
However, when I suggested that she should do some healing sessions as well, she confidently said that she didn’t need to since she didn’t have any issues. I had no need or desire to disagree with her since the truth was pretty crystal clear.
I also further realized why C suddenly blurted out one day, “I don’t like it when others tell me what to do,” though it was quiet in the office at the time.
She was unknowingly working on developing her individual assertion in life (part of healing the solar plexus chakra).
Though she likes to tell others what to do, any time one of the coworkers tried to help her out—since she didn’t know how to do the other half of the Retreat Coordinator job—she became very defensive (i.e., it hurt her fragile ego; and our individual ego resides in the solar plexus area).
I was informed by the manager when I first started out that C____ refused to do the other half of the job because she just didn’t feel like interacting on the phone.
All the other Retreat Coordinators (to include myself) didn’t feel that was fair, since the rest of us were expected to learn all the tasks of this position.
But the conclusion was that C_____ was friends with the manager, and because they hung out as well, she got to do whatever the hell she wanted to do. She probably believed she was irreplaceable.
Though becoming friends and hanging out initially worked wonders for the manager, as soon as C_____ decided to minimize spending personal time with her, the manager became enraged, and shouted one day (after C went home), “C gets to do whatever the F!@# she wants to around here!”
I calmly replied to her, “You’re the Manager, why don’t you have a talk with her?” to which she confessed, “A manager without power, since ______ (the owner) does things like put me down during staff meetings, and tells me to let certain employees do what they need to do.”
Granted, to be fair, the owner surprisingly admitted—during the last staff meeting before I left—that she had created a lot of the drama that was happening at our office because she was often negative, like irritated, worried, gossipy, full of drama, etc.
She gained more of my respect that day, but then she managed to toss most of it out the window when I overheard her loudly making fun of a client in another office (with the door cracked open).
Continuing..
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