Note: Two days after publishing the post, “An Expanded Perspective of Labels Like Good or Bad,” I received an insight to one of the sections within the post. It helped to understand why people like me have a strong urge to shout at fear-based TV shows or movies, what we can do to respect the boundaries of self and interconnected others, and how we can unconditionally love more and more aspects of self and interconnected others. Image on right found next to => HFBoards
I had a realization this morning why I’ve had the need to passionately express myself while watching fear-based shows and movies (another reason why I love blogging my thoughts, beliefs, opinions, feelings, insights, ideas, etc.).
During my childhood, especially between 5 and 10 years old, my parents who loved horror movies often took me with them to a theater (probably to avoid getting a babysitter).
After getting into trouble a few times for screaming in the middle of a movie scene, I ended up repressing and/or suppressing a lot of the fear-based emotions I had bubbling within me (like lava within a volcano).
In addition, fully expressing my feelings (especially crying), talking back, raising my voice, disagreeing, sharing my opinions, etc. weren’t options (unless of course, I wanted to go flying across the room, or receive extended verbal/emotional abuse and/or beating sessions).
Throughout childhood, my mother used to say things like, “You’re too sensitive!” in a disapproving tone, or “Go ahead…I dare you to cry” while glaring at me and talking through her teeth.
My adoptive father used to ask,”Bobbie, what are you crying about now?!” whenever I became teary-eyed, or actually cried.
When I was 18 years old, and my father asked this same question, yet, again, I yelled at him (for the very first time) while bawling, “Because I’m human!!!”
To this day, I have no regrets for passionately expressing my true feelings, because I had more than enough reasons to be very upset, to include but not limited to the following summarized version (which I share to make a valid point):
- after all the previous family drama, various forms of abuse, neglect, absence, and trauma throughout childhood, my father divorced his second wife/my Korean mother (for the second time) in Korea by blackmailing her that if she didn’t, he would pull me from the DoDDs high school that I was attending. He also told me that I either accept attending UCR in California, and live with my step-brother (father’s middle son from his first marriage) and his Korean wife, or I can stay in Korea with my mother and become a nobody.
- Due to this fear-instilling tactic, my mother signed the divorce paperwork that she couldn’t comprehend. The paperwork also stated that he would only give her alimony for five years of $500 per month, though she was entitled to half his pay check—approximately $100,000 per year as a WW civilian contractor equivalent to a GS-13 or above—for being married to him for at least 13 years. My father blackmailed my mother while I was attending a science fair in Japan, so I wasn’t able to read the documents myself (which he planned).
- He divorced my mother so that he could marry his long-time Korean mistress whom he even had a baby daughter with while he was still married to my mother. He convinced my mother to remarry him (the summer after 8th grade) and help raise his baby due to his mistress having health issues after giving birth.
- Then, three years later on Thanksgiving day, he said he was going to the store with my little sister, and that when he returned, we would all go out to Thanksgiving dinner on post. He then called my mother hours later and informed her that he wasn’t coming back. He left because he apparently got tired of my mother confronting him about his compulsive lying (especially him running around with his mistress again, whom he secretly moved into our neighborhood, while my mother was raising their baby at home).
- My mother went into major depression like I had never seen before, even lying in bed for over a week, something that’s way out of character for her since she usually has a routine of waking up at 5 a.m. every morning, exercising for at least an hour (even hiking outdoors at times), cleaning the house and herself, putting on makeup, doing her hair, having her soju drinks, and going about her day.
- sometime in elementary school, I received my first and last “D” in school for Social Studies (in post, “I Was Blessed to Have My Dad“) around the same time-frame that a traumatic incident occurred (in post, “Not Flight or Fight…but Freeze“). Around that time, my father had promised me that he would send me to college as long as I received good grades (mostly A’s and B’s). I believed him, and I busted my ass, especially in high school to go above and beyond to the best of my ability (even taking Vivarin pills to stay up late at night). I took very challenging classes (to include two science classes per year and honors classes) and extracurricular activities (sports, sports manager, Honor Society, Student Council President, etc.). While juggling school, I also had to deal with all the unsupportive comments that my drunk mother would throw in my face, like “Well well well…look at you, studying as if you’re going to become something one day,” “You’re just acting like you’re studying because you’re trying to avoid spending time with me!” or “Why do you want me to come watch your game? It’s not like you guys ever win.” (in post, “Liberating Wings of Freedom: Rising Above Childhood and/or Adulthood Abuse” under subtitle, “Comments of the Unloving Mother vs. the Loving Mother”)
- However, after I was accepted to UCR back in 1991, I had to withdraw because my father informed me shortly after that he had spent all of my college account on his new marriage. Once I withdrew from the university and got a secretary job (since I had worked various summer hire jobs from 9th-12th grade), he came to the States (after being MIA), told me to babysit his daughter/my little sister for a week, while he vacationed to Cancun with his new wife, my step-brother and his wife. All this was in addition to working for a very traditional, ruthless, old, Caucasian man who was the president of his family company (in post, “The Ultimate Success in Life (to Include Business Success) Despite Temporary, Outer Appearances“). Note: This post/link I just shared (<=) made me realize that I had not fully healed from this situation(s)—due to the repeating story—though my logical mind wanted to believe so bad that I did (insights toward bottom of post in magenta text)
After all that, he had the nerve to ask me what I was crying about? Well, that’s a lot to take in within one lifetime for anyone who can feel.
After a lot of journaling and blogging since 2010, I learned that those who are very insensitive to others’ feelings (like my dad was most of the time) aren’t in touch with their own; hence, they continue to repress and suppress their true feelings in order to cover their inner wounds with the probable belief that it makes them a tough person.
However, a person who is truly strong is willing to be vulnerable, pays attention to and embraces their emotions (inner guidance system), honors their feelings (language of the soul), is able to feel compassion for self, and thus, is able to deeply empathize with, and have compassion for, interconnected others.
So it’s understandable why I’ve had this desire to passionately express fear-based emotions in various ways as an adult—to include shouting at certain scenes within TV Shows and movies.
It’s also understandable why I’ve had a desire to passionately express love-based emotions as well—through blogging, art, writing poems and songs, spending quality time with self (solitude) and quality time with my loved ones, and interacting with those who respect my boundaries and share authentic energies (and not just “positive”).
When it comes to blogging, I’m aware that a lot of my writing is pretty lengthy, which goes against what general society recommends within the writing community. However, it works for me, and that’s what ultimately matters; and if it’s helpful to others as well, then that’s a bonus.
When I expand my consciousness, I trust that what helps us individually, ultimately helps us collectively, since we are interconnected One.
I also realize that I express a wide-range of emotions within my blog, because in actual reality—whenever I’m interacting with others—I’ve often been, and continue to be the active listener, where others do most of the talking.
I don’t mind because I enjoy being fully present with, connecting and bonding with others. I also trust that every interaction—whether positive or negative on the outer surface—can be highly beneficial for everyone involved.
On the other hand, I’ve also learned to maintain healthy boundaries when it comes to relationships by not allowing excessively chatty people to drain me.
An example would be someone who habitually (key word) talks for hours on end (like 3+ hours on the phone or up to 3 a.m. on a weekday).
They’re either not fully aware of their extremely lengthy, one-way communication style, or they could care less if another isn’t enjoying the conversation, or if another mentions more than once that they’re feeling tired, sick, has to work the next morning, has to go home to make dinner for the family, etc.
You know you’ve met an extremely chatty person when even walking away from them (while they’re going 100 mph) doesn’t discourage them from talking talking talking talking talking talking talking talking talking, etc. Note: If you’re drawn to it, also check out post, “Balancing Compassion for Self and Others“
My husband once shared a story that made me chuckle. It was about one of his clients at the time (I’ll name him Bob), and I have no doubt that having the personal experience of actually hearing him talk talk talk away made it that much more funny.
While they were checking out a house, Bob received a phone call from his wife, which lasted a while; and my husband was able to hear her voice, even though they were outside exploring the backyard.
Apparently, extremely chatty Bob could barely get a word in during the extended, one-way conversation, which my husband found amusing.
We concluded that’s probably why Bob was such a chatty person, at least around us. My husband said that he was probably like, “Man, I better take these opportunities to talk to these people since I won’t be able to when I get home!”
Now if Bob didn’t have some kind of outlet like a journal or blog, to release all the pent up energies waiting to be expressed, then it’s no wonder that encounters with people (other than his wife) are his chance to mentally and emotionally relieve himself.
Now continuing from where I veered off earlier: I’ve been aware that those who shout at the TV and/or at movie theaters are ridiculed by general society, but that didn’t stop me from being authentic me within the comforts of my home.
However, just as I refrain from shouting in public to respect others, I’m reminded that I need to do the same at home when I’m with my husband.
Though he can be very understanding, patient, and unconditionally loving, I noticed that he would reveal moments of irritation—whether verbally or non-verbally—though he would mask it with humor at times; and I now completely understand.
Yesterday evening—while watching the show Sons of Anarchy via Netflix—I minimized my usual passionate expressions (though I hadn’t received this insight yet) since I chose to respect my husband’s boundaries while maintaining mine.
However, now that I’m aware of why I’ve had the urge to shout at the TV thus far, I somehow no longer feel the need to continue doing so (at least at this moment).
I choose not to force this change in me overnight, but rather, go with the flow of my feelings (the language of our soul) since I choose to unconditionally accept/embrace/love this aspect of self, the way I’m intending to do so for all other aspects within me; hence, being able to fully to do for interconnected others.
In the past, I’ve written posts about my experiences with my parents that helped me to heal from a lot of childhood and adulthood wounds.
Though I had come to the conclusion that I’ve unconditionally forgiven both of them for sure, I now realize that there may still be remnants of anger (stemming from deep hurt) within my subconscious, that I wasn’t aware of before; and if so, that’s completely okay now.
It makes sense now why I still felt a little angry even while I was typing the bullets above (in rainbow text), though I’ve shared that summarized story (in further details) within my blog from different perspectives, in order to gain a broader and deeper understanding of it all.
It’s because, all these times, I’ve been trying to force myself to unconditionally forgive and unconditionally love my parents, rather than going with the flow with how I truly feel, and gradually introducing to self expanded perspectives that would make me feel better in Divine perfect timing and order.
I now unconditionally accept the remnants of hurt energies within me, without a need to fix them anymore.
I just want to share with my wounded inner-child a new insight that I received.
If everything in our life had turned out how my conditioned, logical mind (ego self) thought things should be, then I have no doubt that my love for self and others today would be very conditional—based on: my parents accepting, approving of, and loving me, my college degree, my career, my reputation (what others’ think of me), how I categorize others, how others treat me, my material possessions, my accomplishments (to include awards, medals, and certificates), how much money I have in my bank account, the type of vehicle I have, how many friends I have on Facebook, how much support I have from family members (to include extended family), etc.
However, because I have seemingly lost all of the above (from the outer surface)—with the exception of the basics—I now know (experiential knowledge/wisdom) that despite not having them, I can still accept/love self and interconnected others unconditionally, which is having character.
And when it’s time to leave this last lifetime on Earth, I will be naked—due to my choice of having my organs donated, and then being cremated—and I will have nothing material to take with me.
And that’s perfectly okay, because I will treasure all the priceless wisdom that I’ve gathered from many life experiences, especially the most powerful, natural force within this Universe and beyond—unconditional love for self/interconnected others.
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After watching the video, “The Healing Trap” (by Teal) earlier today, I shared the following comment, which relates to the topic of unconditional acceptance:
Rebecca Lemke shared a very insightful comment below that includes, “I imagine the facets of a crystal and having awareness around how they those aspects don’t have to compete.” And I’d like to add, “Different aspects within us don’t have to compete (or even be separate) in any way anymore.”
So far, I’ve found over a dozen of Teal’s videos very informative, stimulating, mind/heart expanding, uplifting, empowering, inspiring, and overall very helpful.
Prior to watching any of her videos, I ask Spirit—or Higher Self/Beloved I (God) AM (Goddess) Presence—within to assist me in Being discernment, intuition, inner-wisdom, and clarity; hence, though most of Teal’s teachings are soul-igniting, every now and then, certain words, phrases, or expressions don’t quite feel right, and I seek guidance from within.
Teal’s mention of the two conflicting aspects within us needing to communicate with love highly resonates with me; however, I don’t resonate with the idea that the solution is to leave one aspect out of the picture (granted, in a “safe place”) while the other aspect is getting its need met.
That sounds more like operating from a state of separation consciousness (you here and me there because we are separate aspects) rather than unity consciousness (integrating, healing/loving, and balancing the two aspects as The One—Being and doing together as a Team).
However, despite whatever doesn’t resonate with me with any outer teacher (and not just the “spiritual teacher” since I trust that every soul is a teacher in some way), I’ve chosen to extract what does highly resonate with me, and simply disregard the rest. I just wanted to share my expression on this matter in case it may be helpful to interconnected others.
And last but not least, like many others out there who’ve crossed paths with Teal’s essence, I’ve also sensed various vibrations from her presence within these videos, all within the Love Frequency spectrum (that also includes the vibration of fear, like the color red within a rainbow).
And though I’m aware of this, along with a loads of data online that also go against Teal, I somehow find myself unconditionally accepting her (the whole her) as is.
Regardless of who says what (with billions of opinions out there), I’m deeply grateful that Beings like Teal—and every other being I initially had conflicting thoughts and feelings towards—exist in our world, mirroring back to us everything from dark to light and fear to love.
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