WARNING: What started out as a short and organized post, ended up as my own, personal collage therapy artwork session of just freely expressing whatever the hell I want to without concern for logical order or anything else for that matter. There are certain sections of this post that may seem as though I’m all over the place to others, but what matters most is that I know wherever I momentarily take a left or right turn in order to make a u-turn and continue where I left off. Just when I think that I’m overall healed, I receive a visit from, yet, another deeply hidden gem, which then led to other treasures. As I remember to trust, honor and cultivate all of my feelings, especially the ones that suddenly resurface out of the blue, I choose to just go with the flow of emotions and thoughts by just typing away, and fearlessly sharing stories that I’ve never shared before, reexamining certain stories that I’ve already shared before—but gaining further insights from—and bringing more pieces of Life’s puzzle together in order to see the interconnectedness, and the bigger picture. This post is neither all rainbows and sunshine, nor all cloudy days and thunderstorms; it’s a combination of both. “As I heal, others heal…as others heal, I heal since we are ALL One.” Unk

The following are some subtitles to the main title above: Note: I didn’t feel like giving the rest subtitles, so I discontinued

• Intro
• Unknown Old Anger Surfacing to Be Recognized, Healed & Transmuted
• Trusting, Honoring & Cultivating Feelings
• A Repeating Life Test
• Tactfully Expressing One’s Truths Without Any Concerns
• Conclusion: I See The Light

Intro

Ever since I started blogging, and sharing various stories from my heart—the good, bad, and the ugly—I’ve experienced a few family members, friends, coworkers, acquaintances and even strangers use certain information against me, either directly or indirectly, or even avoid me altogether. However, I  understand them since a lot of the things that I express are not exactly conventional.

It was a challenge to not allow their opinions to negatively affect my emotions since, at the time, I was concerned with whether or not they accepted and approved of me.

However, as I journey forward with my soul growth, continue to expand my consciousness, remember to unconditionally accept/love all aspects of self (which helps me to fully do so for others), and just Be who I truly am more than ever before—whole, authentic self of polarity (not duality) that creates Balance of “Dark” and “Light”/Yin & Yang/Divine Feminine & Divine Masculine—I’m able to let go of being a prisoner of my own mind, which liberates me.

Part of our essence is Freedom, and I have absolutely nothing to lose anymore by freely and transparently expressing myself from my Heart more than ever before. I trust that this new sense of fearlessness is partly due to the effect of my positive “I AM” statements that I had recently made, with much feelings, in the post, “Honoring Animal Spirit Guides Within“; however, most of all, I’m able to just Be who I truly am more and more each present Moment of Now because of all aspects and extensions of Divinity within me—especially my Beloved I AM Presence/Christ within/Multidimensional Self/God, Goddess and Divine Spirit/All That Is.

As taught by various spiritual teachers, when we make a powerful “I AM” statement(s), we may first experience the opposite(s) in order to truly know (through personal experience) what it means to Be what was intended from the heart.

Afterall, how would we know what unconditional forgiveness feels like if we’ve never had anyone to forgive because everyone and their mamas and grandmamas are good?

I unconditionally forgive myself from the deepest level of my being for having judged myself often in the past, and for having allowed others to have power over my emotions and state of Being.

I also unconditionally forgive others for having judged the s0-called dark aspects of me that are also within them, though they may not want to admit it, or don’t remember yet; ultimately though, they were merely mirroring back to me my own judgments toward self.

Note: Images above found next to links => 1) www.pinterest.com  2) emilysquotes.com 3) quoteimg.com and 4) www.pinterest.com (thank you)

March 10, 2015

I trust that I came upon this reading, “How to Spot and Stop Manipulators,” today in Divine perfect timing and order as usual.

While reading over certain sections, I paused to observe and examine the thoughts, memories, and feelings, that happened to surface, without judgment. 

I trust that my higher/true self—Beloved I AM Presence/Christ within—reminded me to check myself as well, to ensure that I hadn’t been a manipulator to others, continue to do so, or even started to do so.

Note: Image on right above found next to link => lars.toomre.com (thank you)

After recalling certain situations throughout my life, I quickly learned/remembered when manipulation had occurred within my relationships with others.

I also recalled when I had built up (raised vibrational frequency) enough courage and inner-strength to finally let go of unhealthy relationships that I was emotionally attached to due to wanting to help, heal or “save” others from their negative (fear-based) ways of being.

I trust that these seemingly various relationships consisting of different people ultimately contained the same life lesson—to fully and unconditionally accept/love myself so that I can fully do so for others as well.

However, until I learn that lesson, it would repeatedly show up in my life in many different forms until I finally got it.

Note: Image on left above found next to link => indulgy.com (thank you)

For instance, I recently learned important life lessons from many observations and interactions with my pet dog (a Siberian Husky). As very lovable as he can be in a human-like manner, at times, I noticed that he’s very manipulative.

If he doesn’t get what he wants when he wants it (e.g., table food, snacks, a trip to the park, etc.) he turns his back on me and/or my husband, he runs upstairs, he removes himself and sulks under the dining room table, he stares at us with sad eyes, etc.

For the longest time, I used to allow him to negatively affect my emotions, especially feeling guilty about making him feel bad. The feeling of being manipulated then led to feelings of resentment and even anger, like, “WTF?!”

Note: Image on right above found next to link=> acuriouswanderer.wordpress.com (thank you)

My husband and I even went through phases where we rotated five different, high quality dry and wet dog foods because we read that huskies can be very finicky eaters.

In addition, I even made him home-cooked meals once a week, that included beef or chicken, organ meats, egg, and highly nutritious veggies like brussels sprouts, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, etc.

However COMMA after some time, he would walk over to the dry or wet foods, sniff it, and then walk off and not eat…even up to two days. We’ve tried mixing dry and wet food, but our dog just sorts it out, and the dry food ends up all over the floor.

The idea of only giving him wet food, to include home-made fresh food, went out the door when he habitually wasn’t able to control his softer to looser bowel movements, and we would end up cleaning piles of poop all over the carpet.

 Now, since he hasn’t been appreciating the abundant variety that he’s been getting, he only eats one kind of dry food PERIOD—which has been gradually narrowed down—because I’ve decided to no longer deal with BULLshit…and not just from my dog, but from humans too. Okay, so maybe once in a blue moon he’ll get something different. Note: A later post, “Symbolism of Black & White Siberian Husky Drowning and then Coming Back to Life” is an update on my dog, Kami, to include some example solutions to his and other Siberian Huskies’ “negative” behaviors, as well as his positive traits.

Note: Image on left above found next to link => www.pinterest.com (thank you)

And I don’t care what dog websites say about how huskies own husky owners. That sounds like a load of crap; no one has to own anyone.

A mutual, harmonious relationship doesn’t have a need to manipulate and take advantage of others.

One day, my dog urgently pawed at the back door three different times, so I let him out to use the bathroom. Though it was unusual for him to urgently do so that many times during the day (without having diarrhea) since he goes out whenever my husband smokes, I didn’t think anything of it; but rather, cheered for him each time he came back in, and rewarded him with a Pupperoni.

Note: Image on right above found next to link => www.beyogabelove.com (thank you)

And this is where it gets interesting. That night—in the middle of the night—my dog approached me and stood right in front of my face.

Whenever he happens to do so—which is whenever he rarely has diarrhea, or I happen to talk, shout, yell, or scream while sleeping—I can sense him and automatically wake up, though he doesn’t make any sounds.

However, as soon as I woke up that night, I felt this strange, not so good feeling when I saw him, as though I intuitively knew that something of lower vibrations was going on.

Note: Image on left above found next to link => www.briancollinson.ca (thank you)

But I got up anyway and followed his lead, and I immediately noticed that something was different about his demeanor—there was absolutely no sense of urgency. But I continued to go along and opened the back door.

As soon as I let him out, he didn’t go straight to the lawn like he usually does, but rather, moseyed around the lawn while maintaining strong eye contact with me as I was watching him like a hawk. I was like, “Hmmm, interesting.”

It then occurred to me that my dog was much smarter than we had given him credit for.

Note: Image on right above found next to link => www.youtube.com (thank you)

We had read that huskies, among other types of dogs, are highly intelligent, and we’ve directly experienced witnessing his various intelligent ways of being, but I had never imagined at that level.

I wasn’t sure whether to be annoyed with him for being sly, or to be proud of him for knowing what he wants, and doing his best to get what he wants.

Note: Image on left above found next to link => jungcurrents.com (thank you)

I had no doubt that his intention wasn’t to pee or poop, but was to get, yet, another pupperoni snack…in the middle of too dark of a night to be interrupting my sleep time.

Although he walked around the lawn in his squat position, not a single turd came out of his ass; he also tinkled a squirt of pee.

So, as soon as he came in, and was super excited—with his long tongue flapping around like granny’s titties—with more than likely the belief that he would get rewarded…he quickly realized that I had figured him out; his bushy curled up tail went down.

I just looked at him for a moment like, “Rrreally?” There was no celebration or snack since rewarding him at that time of hour would only encourage him to continue waking me up in the middle of the night like it was some game. He received more of a, “Get your butt back to sleep” when he could’ve received a boot up the ass. But I get it, to him and his world, he may not have realized that waking me up in the middle of the night was not a super exciting idea.

Note: Image on right above found next to link => www.pinterest.com (thank you)

Allowing others (even pets) to manipulate us, kissing major ass and encouraging pain in the ass behavior can’t be highly beneficial for any soul.

I’ve learned from various experiences with humans as well, that sometimes, no matter how much one gives (i.e., time, attention, active listening ear, help, money, gifts, etc.) some beings are just never satisfied.

Therefore, in my opinion, the best one can do for them (for everyone’s interconnected soul growth) is to discontinue the unnecessary coddling, spoiling, and treating them like they’re some kind of prince or princess on a pedestal or some helpless victim.

Note: Image on left found next to link => meetville.com (thank you)

After many repeating lessons of similar nature—and not willing to surrender and just learn life lessons/wisdom from them—I realized that the repetition of my dog sometimes being a major pain in my ass was happening for a very good reason. 

My dog can be like a spoiled, pouty child whenever he doesn’t get what he wants.

When I dig a little deeper, I realize that we’re meant to help one another evolve (as mentioned in the video below on spiritual development).  

Note: Image on right above found next to => www.goodnewspost.net (thank you)

I trust that I’m meant to learn from him how to continue drawing healthy boundaries with self-respect and self-love by not allowing others to manipulate me…even my own pet.

He also teaches me to have more patience, tolerance, and better control over my emotions. And by not giving into my dog’s every demands, I trust that I’m helping him to evolve as well, to include teaching him to appreciate.

By the way, my dog—and probably huskies and other dogs in general—can be very vocal with his demands, using various tones that express different emotions, high-pitched dramatic yelps, deep howls, and pawing at whatever objects he’s trying to use in order to communicate (e.g., pawing at fridge when he wants ice, at the stove while I’m cooking when he wants table food, at his water bowl when he wants more water, at the futon arm rest when he wants to sit with us, at our sneakers when he wants to go for a walk or run or to the local park, etc.).

Note: Image on left above found next to link => boxingtheego.tumblr.com (thank you)

When I dig really deep, I realize that my dog’s sometimes manipulative behavior is an aspect of my shadow self showing up in another to get my attention, heal, and transform.

So why did his manipulative behavior irritate me? Because, throughout childhood, my mother mentioned multiple times how much cleverness—used in a negative, deceptive, or selfish manner—was a “bad” thing; hence, I repressed and suppressed that natural “survival instinct” aspect of me.

I heard growing up that my adoptive dad was apparently very clever, often kissing my mother’s ass and showering her with cash and gifts after returning from his “business trips” that happened practically 3/4 of month. Of course, his decade long affair ended traumatically, which I shared in one of my oldest posts, “Not Flight or Fight…but Freeze.”

Note: Image on right above found next to link=> truthionary.wordpress.com (thank you)

So why did my dog’s pouty behavior affect me emotionally? Throughout my childhood, I learned not to be pouty, or anything else that my parents considered “bad behavior”; hence, I ended up repressing and suppressing all the undesirable ways of being.

However, looking back, I realized that these once repressed and suppressed shadow aspects of self—that society in general labeled “not right,” “undersirable,” “bad,” etc.—started surfacing to freely express itself through other people in my life in order to get my attention.

It’s like these aspects of me are shouting, “Since you keep repressing and suppressing me, I’m going to show up in your face in another. Why? Not to be a major pain in the ass, but to be noticed, recognized, acknowledged, embraced, unconditionally accepted, and unconditionally loved by you.”

Note: Image on left above found next to link => www.pinterest.com (thank you)

A very wise older sister-like lady once shared with me a story. She said that an acquaintance asked her to babysit her toddler child. The spoiled child, who was used to getting what he wanted, started demanding things left and right. When the child wasn’t able to get what he wanted, he started throwing a fit and crying.

My neighbor friend ignored the distraught child, grabbed a book, sat on her sofa, and started reading quietly. After several minutes, the child realized that his fits weren’t effective. So he walked over to my neighbor and quietly sat down on the sofa with her.

Note: Image on right above found next to link => izquotes.com (thank you)

I now realized that I had reacted to others’ manipulation (from fear) rather than responded (with love) because the very manipulative act reminded me of my parents manipulative ways of being, to include their hurtful words.

Growing up, I wasn’t able to freely express my angry feelings toward them, which then became bottled up without even my realizing it because it had all occurred on a subconscious level.

Now that I’ve become aware of more shadow aspects of self, I can continue healing, transmuting, and transforming self into who I truly am.

Note: Image on left above found next to link => www.pinterest.com (thank you)

Unknown Old Anger Surfacing to Be Recognized, Healed & Transmuted

Yesterday evening, I couldn’t believe what I had done. I told my husband that I was shouting out to our dog to move out of a certain area because he started pooping there, and he knows its off limits.

My husband replied that our dog never does that, and I asked him, “Are you calling me liar?” He replied, “Yes,” and I snapped and ended up punching him on the back.

As I sat down with my heart racing and practically fuming through my flaring nostrils and smoking ears, there was a very calm side of me that couldn’t believe why I resorted to violence, and wondered why I was so angry.

Added March 14, 2015: While re-reading a section of the book, Bringers of the Dawn: Teachings from the Pleiadians (pp. 153 &156 both 2nd to last paragraphs), I came upon information relating to this post in Divine perfect timing and order.

Note: Image on right found next to link => rawforbeauty.com (thank you)

Trusting, Honoring & Cultivating Feelings

I intuitively knew not to judge myself—like I would’ve done in the past—but to just go with the flow of my emotions, which was going to teach me something.

The next day (today), I happened to come upon this video, David Wilcock Occupy Your Self! Personal Spiritual Development, and while watching the section on “Original Wound,” I came to a realization of what had truly happened yesterday evening, and not just on the surface, but at a deeper level.

Note: Image on left above found next to link =>  www.pinterest.com (thank you)

In addition, while rereading a section in the book, Bringers of the Dawn: Teachings of the Pleiadians, I noticed that pp. 151 to at least 153 (stopping point) were about trusting feelings, which informed me that this was also part of this particular series of Divine synchronicity.

When I had read through the middle section of the book, I didn’t do the usual—highlighting, reflecting on meaning, comparing related personal experiences, making notes, folding corner of pages, etc.—due to wanting to cover as much as I could in a short amount of time.

However, like other of my favorite books, I often return to them in Divine perfect timing and order to gain new insights—sometimes, even randomly turning to a certain page, and coming upon the answer to previously wondered or asked questions.

A Repeating Life Test

So the perfect situation (sudden explosion of anger with my husband)—though not appearing so on the outer surface— helped me to realize why I had a similar crazy-ass reaction in December of 2012, and as far back as 22 years ago that I shared in the post, “Rage.”

For the first mentioned situation, I had only been working at the Early Learning Center for three weeks starting the beginning of December; and one day, while I was eating in the small lunchroom minding my own business, I received an opportunity.

Three females walked in, and after a few minutes, one of them (an aspect of my shadow self) loudly referred to me as “it,” basically talking about me in front of her audience.

I felt my blood rise, but calmly looked at her and asked her if she now felt better about herself for being disrespectful to another.

Note: Image on right above found next to link => www.pinterest.com (thank you) 

I couldn’t help to notice the sudden widening of eyes of one of the other females, an older lady, who seemed to be non-verbally conveying, “Oh, I can’t believe you went there, but I like it!”

The obnoxious, wannbe gangsta, white female—who literally had the demeanor of tomboy-like female gangster—awkwardly chuckled as though she was caught off guard and wasn’t expecting a response, and said in a gentle and jokey tone that that’s just how she talks to everyone there; I later found out this was true, and nobody liked it, but they didn’t dare say anything to her face (only behind her back). 

I proceeded to enjoy my lunch, while not even the crickets seemed to be present.  When I went home, I stewed on the living room couch.

Note: Image on left above found next to link => www.pinterest.com (thank you)

I was like, “God! Give me a freakin’ break! It seems like every time I make an effort to just live a simple and good life, I get shit on! What the hell?! What do you want from me?!!!”

When my husband arrived home, I wanted to vent, so I did. However, I was shocked by how insensitive he was (which I later found out was because he, too, had a crappy day).

In the middle of me telling my story, he just walked off, headed upstairs and told me that it was my fault (i.e., the trigger; <= click on link for explanation).

I became so furious that I ended up throwing a plate to our living room 40″ TV, creating cracks, and basically making it nonfunctional. It felt so good, but yet my ego self at the time ensured I would feel guilty about my action for a while.

Added March 14, 2015: While re-reading a section of the book, Bringers of the Dawn: Teachings from the Pleiadians—pg. 151 2nd to last paragraph; pp. 151 last paragraph – 157, esp pg. 155 2nd to last sentence of last paragraph – pg. 156 entire first paragraph— I came upon information relating to this post in Divine perfect timing and order.

Note: Image on right above found next to link => www.theacornwithin.com (thank you)

Ironically though, those two situations (storm/chaos) brought about passion, inner-peace, truth, joy and even love (calm/order).

The next day, I went over to the infant section (where the so-called white female gangsta worked)—I’ll name her Ms. Jane—from the preschool class (where I worked), and asked the female if I could have a talk with her whenever she went on break. She agreed.

To my great surprise, we ended up having a pleasant conversation. I told her the truth as to why her action had bothered me; that it reminded me of when I was verbally and physically bullied in junior high school.

I didn’t go into this part of the story with her, in order to keep it brief, but back then, due to still being around 4’9″ (current height) in 7th grade, when I was verbally bullied by a group of immature boys, I ignored them although they made me angry, probably because I knew I was outnumbered.

I trust that the very act of having suppressed such intense feelings at the time, along with other abusive scenarios, led to them becoming buried deep within my subconscious…ready to erupt like a volcano any day.

Had I learned to respond (with love) rather than react (with fear), I would not have been revisited with a similar life lesson scenario.

However, I was only a kid back then, so I don’t blame myself. I trust that everything happens in Divine perfect timing and order for every interconnected souls’ highest benefit.

In addition to the very short story that I shared with her, I also informed her why I thought she treated me the way she did since the explanation she had given me the other day was only half the truth. 

Note: Image on left above found next to link => creativesystemsthinking.wordpress.com (thank you)

Tactfully Expressing One’s Truths Without Any Concerns

Prior to that day of us crossing paths, I experienced another situation that started out like a thunder storm, but ended with a calm. I now see that all these events were interconnected. Before, I was blind to them.

I was setting up cots after lunch, for the little ones in our classroom, with the assistant teacher—I’ll name her Ms. Fettup—that I was replacing. It was during the main teacher’s lunch period.

Ms. Fettup apparently didn’t want to work with preschool kids (4-5 year olds) anymore, and requested to move to the infant room. 

While setting up the cots together, I couldn’t help but to notice that she was slamming them down. I approached her and asked if everything was okay, and she snapped at me saying that I had placed a couple of the cots in the wrong spot. 

I said something to the effect, “Oh, I”m sorry, it’s just that you showed me yesterday to set it up this way.” She then said in a frustrated manner, “It depends on the day.” Note: Withholding of pertinent information can lead another to so-called failure, which ultimately leads to the one doing the withholding to eventually experience a similar situation as well.

So I asked her if there was some kind of chart available that I could go by that shows how cots are set up according to different days.

Ms. Fettup then glared at me and said, “This isn’t the Army,” to which I replied, “I realize that. Look, I’m just here to learn and help out.” I realized at that moment that the main teacher had told her that I was in the Army, and that she had a judgment about that, although she didn’t know me.

After setting up the cots, I asked if she had a moment to sit and talk. She agreed. Though it was a bit uncomfortable at the start of the conversation, due to Ms. Fettup’s unwelcoming demeanor, I did my best to be honest and tactful, and to just speak from my heart. 

I told her that I understood that many civilians have this image of how military, or even former military members are; but like many others things in life, not everything is black and white. I informed her that I’m all about incorporating skills and strengths I’ve learned in the Army into my new, civilian job, but I wasn’t here to be some drill sergeant. 

She then reminded of what had happened during lunch time which led her to think that I was. When she told one of our overweight (okay, fat) kids to eat, yet, another fully loaded plate of food, I reminded her that it may not be such a good idea since Ms. Nina, the main teacher, made it clear that we need to work on getting the kids into the habit of not overeating, for their overall health.

Ms. Fettup expressed that she disagreed, and stated that food should never be left to waste. I replied, “I understand where you’re coming from, but that doesn’t mean that the kids have to eat more than necessary. Some of these kids are obviously overweight, and will eat as much as we allow them to, even though they may throw up later. I believe it’s part of our job to ensure they develop a healthy way of eating.” 

I now realize that Ms. Fettup was mirroring back to me one of my own old and outdated beliefs that was ready to be fully released; and that old belief was, like she mentioned, that food should never be wasted, even if one was full.

I trust that this old belief—that food should never be wasted—stems from a scarcity of food back in the day, and applies to probably every culture throughout this world.

Growing up, I learned from my mother and Korean relatives to always finish my plate—all the way to the very last grain of rain.

Whenever my cousins and I finished our meals at my grandma’s house, we would say, “잘 먹었습니다”/“It was really good. Thank you so much for the food”; and before eating, we would say, “잘 먹겠습니다”/“Thank you for preparing the food. I appreciate you preparing this food.”

Note: The following section is from the reading, “Words and Phrases: The Language of Dining Before eating“:

Before eating: 잘 먹겠습니다. (Jal moke get sum nida)
Literally this means “I will eat very well,” but it implies “Thank you for preparing the food. I appreciate you preparing this food.”

After eating: 잘 먹었습니다. (Jal moke got sum nida) (The “got” is pronounced more like “go” with a “t.”)
Literally this means “I ate very well,” but again it implies “It was really good. Thank you so much for the food.”

So the eating experience itself was not only about expressing gratitude, but also showing appreciation by finishing one’s plate. At home, my mother bumped it up a notch and encouraged eating more than one serving. 

I didn’t understand it then, but as an adult, I realized that it stemmed from the older generation—usually from poor backgrounds—associating the abundance of food with happiness. 

So, whenever I ate more than one bowl of rice that went along with several Korean side dishes, my mother complimented me on how well I ate. She seemed so happy and proud of me, which was a rare treat.

When I didn’t eat well, she would sometimes make comments that expressed her disapproval, like what she told my relatives once, “The way she eats here, one would think that I starved her to death at home. She doesn’t eat like this at home.”

I suppose my mother didn’t consider why that might be the case. My mother’s cooking, as good as it was, was much milder than my relatives cooking; and my grandmother’s cooking…well, I’m sure the well known phrase “grandma’s cookin'” says it all.

Eating well is great; however, overeating in order to receive attention, acceptance and approval just isn’t healthy.

By the time I was a senior in high school, my mother would remind me in the mornings with much excitement, “Call me right before you leave school [for lunch], so that I know whether to cook two or three packages of ramen!”

Back then, I was blind to how sad this scenario was, but as an adult, I realized that I had a habit of often overeating that was not beneficial for me.

Unlike American Top Ramen, most Korean ramen packages are bigger, so yeah…it was a lot of food, and I went through phases where I was chubby border-lining fat, especially for only being 4’9″.

If I recall correctly, I think my first boyfriend at the time teased me—after witnessing me devour a huge meal for lunch at a Korean hole in the wall restaurant— by saying, “Bobbie’s going to be wider than she is tall!” It didn’t even faze me…until it hit me much later.

In addition, the unhealthy habit of needing to eat large meals and clean my plate (to not waste food) caused me to be habitually constipated for at least a few decades.

However, my husband reminded me every now and then that whether the extra food goes into our stomach and ends up in the toilet, or whether it gets thrown out (i.e., not enough for left overs the next day), they end up in the same place anyway…so why stress over it?

I really liked this new point of view, and after several practices (since old habits can be very challenging to break), my husband and I both no longer feel the need to overeat or clean our plates PERIOD.

We chose to trust and listen to our body signals, as well as portion out extra food into plastic containers ahead of time, in order to prevent falling back into the old habits. 

Anyhoo, Ms. Fettup seemed to unwillingly agree that it was more beneficial for kids to eat healthy portions than worry about wasting food; and then she followed up with the fact that it didn’t matter anymore since she was leaving soon.

She then apologized for snapping at me. She had been under a lot of stress due to her husband being stationed in Korea where dependents aren’t allowed. 

As I listened closely to her story, I noticed that she became more relaxed, and even started sharing other very personal stories—something that I’ve noticed happens often with people whom I’ve just met.

I could tell by her increasingly rapid rate of talking that she had been lonely with her and her three, rescue dogs, and just wanted someone to communicate with.

She also expressed her concern that her husband had told her, before he went to Korea, that she needs to stop being so controlling.

She apparently had a habit of placing sticky/post-it notes all over the house on a daily basis to remind them both of all the things they had to do.

At that moment, a thought popped into my mind that I felt a bit guilty about for even having the thought; and that thought was that if she continued that habit, among other unknown ones that may not be so pleasant to live with, her husband may end up finding someone more comfortable to live with.

So I asked her if there may be some other way to remind themselves of things they’d like to accomplish, since that method may cause a lot of anxiety. She agreed that it was worth thinking about, and I left it as that since I didn’t want to be pushy with my suggestions. 

Looking back, I realize that she had major control issues, which was also an aspect of my shadow. Perhaps, she, too, felt a strong need to control everything in her life because she felt as a child that this power was taken away from her.

Maybe she had a controlling parent or two. I went through a long phase in my life where I felt the need to control everything in my life; granted, not to the point where I used sticky notes, but that’s just another form of basically the same thing.

When I dig deeper, I realize that Ms. Fettup sharing the sticky note story with me was her merely mirroring back to me my own habit of feeling as though I have so much to do, rather than just live and Be in every present Moment of Now…

• following my path of excitement and passion (even to the smallest degree, which reminds me that I’ve in alignment with my Divinity within)
• enjoying the beauty of Life that’s within me and all around me
• trusting the process of Life, and confidently and intuitively knowing that Life is always for me (for every interconnected souls’ highest benefit) and never against me
• trusting in the Divine Plan within that everything happens in Divine perfect timing and order for every interconnected souls’ highest benefit
• being grateful and appreciative for all the abundance that I already have on all levels of my Being (even though it may not appear so on the surface)
• and not dwelling in the past to worrying about the future

After about 30 minutes, I offered her my phone number in case she wanted to talk, vent, or just hang out since I found out that we were living in the same community.

She agreed, but I never heard from her again, and when I saw her much later on, she responded to my “Hey, how’s it going?” with a quick, half-smile, a brief sentence of how fine she was, and walked off in a hurry.

I wondered for a little bit whether her distant demeanor had something to do with what I had said during our conversation, whether it was because I owned a non-rescue dog (she was very passionate about rescue dogs) or the fact that she just didn’t like me. However, I learned to let it go, and move on. 

After connecting the dots—to include Ms. Fettup and Ms. Jane both working in the infant section—I realized that the reason why Ms. Jane felt the need to treat me like crap (although we’ve never met before), is because she heard something about me from another who may have had an overall unpleasant experience with me.

Ms. Jane was aware that I was in the Army because she mentioned that her husband is also in the Army. Since our classrooms are in two separate buildings, and Ms. Nina wasn’t friends with either one of them, I realized that the information more than likely came from Ms. Fettup.

Ms. Jane shared with me that she and her husband had some negative experiences with military folks. I then realized that as soon as she found out that I was prior military, she ended up throwing me in the same boat as well, the way Ms. Fettup did. 

I informed Ms. Jane that I wasn’t there to prove anything to her, but rather, I wanted clarity between us so that we can be at peace. Afterall, if there were any problems, I couldn’t see why two, mature adults couldn’t find a solution together.

Ms. Jane agreed,  and she seemed genuine, unlike Ms. Fettup who seemed to be acting strange, although she informed me that she was glad that we had a conversation.

However, I didn’t consider Ms. Fettup’s lack of interest in forming a friendship a loss, because I trusted that I did my best to connect, and that’s all I can do.

Like my husband used to remind me, we can’t control what others are. In addition, Neale Donald Walsch once shared in one of his books, that we can only share our truth with others—what they do with that truth (whether they accept it or not)—is on them.

The following italicized section is from the very helpful reading, “The Archetypes of Sacred Feminine Initiation,” and provides a better understanding of how we can identify certain shadow aspects within us, that’s being mirrored back to us to learn from them (in this case, Ms. Fettup’s adamant need to be controlling with sticky notes, and always needing to overly do motherly things—wanting to “rescue” even more dogs and not wasting food):

“When the Mother archetype is in shadow, the wounding with our own mother may be profound. We may not know how take care of our own physical needs, be in our bodies, or nurture a child. We may feel incompetent as mothers, or be narcissistic and deny our child her own individuality and experiences. Shadow Mother can cause a woman to be totally absent to her kids and ineffectual, or controlling, demanding, manipulative and guilt-inducing. Shadow mothers don’t mind their own business and they may not know how to make real contact.”

Toward the end of our conversation, to my great surprise, Ms. Jane apologized with much emotion, and seemed, once again, sincere.

After talking to her, I was able to see another side of her that was more like warm sunshine rather than blazing sun flares.

The following italicized section is from the very helpful reading, “The Archetypes of Sacred Feminine Initiation,” and provides a better understanding of how we can identify certain shadow aspects within us, that’s being mirrored back to us to learn from them (in this case, the dissolving of Ms. Jane’s “tough girl” act):

“Shadow Amazon can also appear defensive, aggressive, invasive, disrespectful of others and their boundaries–a “tough girl.” Fear is behind this behavior but it is hidden, and most likely, her vulnerability is not even felt. These behaviors arose to protect the child in difficult circumstances and can be appreciated as such. As a woman, they are no longer helpful and can be transformed when the fear and vulnerability are met and felt. The shadow Amazon serves the ego rather than the deepest Truth.” 

I’ve been told by others throughout my life, especially in the Army, that I have a tendency to wanna talk to others too much, as though it’s a “bad” thing.

I’ve been told, “Why do you care so much?” “Nobody cares, so don’t bother” “You’re wasting your time,” “They’re hopeless,” “I understand you always want to see the good in people, but I’m telling you Ms. Bobbie, he’s always been that way” (last quote from Ms. Nina, main teacher at Early Development Center/Preschool class), etc.

Depending on who I was talking to, I’d give them my honest answers, which include, “I’d rather talk to them to see if there was a misunderstanding, rather than than talk behind their backs as those I know all the facts” which followed with an awkward moment, at least for them.

Back to me having thrown plate at our TV: In addition, due to the broken TV, my husband, dog and I became closer. Before, I would sit on the love-seat couch while my husband sat on the long couch perpendicular to mine, and my dog would lay behind the couch.

It was like those really long dining room tables that you see in mansions where a supposedly loving couple are sitting stiffly on opposite ends of the table and eating their dinner in a serious manner.

Note: Image on right above found next to link => quoteimg.com (thank you)

Once our family of three were forced to move upstairs, to a more older/heavier TV with only a futon, the three of us ended up sitting together.

I love that my dog, who’s always in the middle, lays his head on my lap, and often looks up at me with his deep, loving stares. As I look into his eyes, I wonder what’s all going on in his mind and heart.

I always noticed that smaller spaces are more intimate, whereas huge areas, like mansions, seem so cold and distant. When I tune into an influx of monetary abundance, I would purchase a beautiful and spacey home, but not a ginormous mansion; plus, I’ve seen one too many horror movies. ;-p 

Note: Image on left above found next to link => www.pinterest.com (thank you)

So what have I learned from my experiences with angry feelings suddenly surfacing like a bat out of hell, that have been stored away without my awareness?

By choosing not to judge myself for feeling so angry recently—for the first time in my life—and just observing what is, I was able to just go with the flow and discover more about myself, to include more of my fears, my unseen or ignored habits, the dark aspects of me that aren’t necessarily “bad” (e.g., being a rebel), and why I became highly irritated with bullying, manipulative, and controlling behavior from others.

So these angry feelings, which society usually frowns upon, were blessings in disguise that have gifted me with priceless treasures, gems, and wealth of profound wisdom.

So back to why I reacted (with fear) rather than respond (with love) to my husband accusing me of being a liar? The accusation itself was a trigger. Throughout childhood, whenever my parents accused me of something that I supposedly did or didn’t do, it would upset me deeply.

However, because I wasn’t able to freely express that sadness or anger—otherwise, I’d get an ass beating—I ended up repressing and suppressing all of it.

Once, in high school, I walked in on my adoptive father going through my backpack. He had caught my older step-brothers (from his first marriage)—while they were in high school and very briefly living with us when I was in elementary school—with cigarettes and drugs in their backpacks, so he just assumed that I was the same way as well.

Another time, I came home from the library after doing a research paper, and my dad accused me of “running around with the boys.” 

Note: Image on right above found next to link=> www.slideshare.net (thank you)

I resented my dad for saying that because there were several girls in our DODDS high school in Korea who bragged about dating G.I.’s, smoking, often sneaking out of their rooms in the middle of the night, shop lifting, etc., but yet, here I was studying my ass off and focusing on doing the “right” thing, and I get accused of doing the wrong things.

So my attitude was like…hey, since they don’t trust me anyways, the hell with them; I’ll do whatever I want from now on.

One day, just to see what it feels like to be rebel, I even went with my girlfriend to a Korean beauty shop and crimped my hair without my parents permission. When I arrived home, they both stood at the door looking at me as though they couldn’t believe their eyes. My dad then said gently, “It look kinky.”

To my great surprise, my mother didn’t go apeshit on me, though at that point, I was no longer afraid of her beatings.

Note: Image on left found next to link => www.pinterest.com (thank you)

Insights About True Love

Toward the end of 9th grade, I was even asked out by my first boyfriend. Of course, I didn’t know what true love really was then—I just knew that it was something that I had deeply yearned to experience, and I didn’t feel that I had received it from both of my parents.

Though the journey of falling in love, and having a boyfriend comes with many sunny days, for the newbie in the game of highschool love, he/she is not quite prepared for the thunder and lighting storm as well.

My first boyfriend and I broke up for the final time in God knows how many times my junior year. He broke off our last breakup with, “I love you like a sister,” to which I nodded, walked off, and then, as soon as I was on the streets of downtown, took off running and bawling deep cries.  

Note: Image on right above found next to link => cutelovequotesforher.org (thank you)

When I found out later from a reliable source that his previous girlfriend (a Caucasian female) said that he had used her for sex, it made me wonder if he had planned to do so with me as well before he asked me out. I was beyond devastated, and that experience practically destroyed my faith in true love and the goodness of people. 

Five years later, I found out from the source himself (as friends) that he (my ex/first boyfriend)—who used to be a rich kid who often partied in junior college and lived a life of abundance—found out that his older step-brother was no longer able to financially support him.

During high school, he lived in a building—I think it was threes story—that was a Chinese medicine business plus residence that his had father owned, so they were pretty well off.

I intuitively knew at the time that I was meant to hear about his circumstance; though unfortunate, I had no doubt that the experience itself would be good for him.

And throughout the years, I would discover a pattern of hearing about another’s misfortune—who used to be in my life—whether it was years later, or even over two decades later.

For instance, there was a phase in my life where my adoptive dad received a great job offer in Korea. which I didn’t find out about until several years later.

All I knew was that he had supposedly lost my various contact info on three different occasions. I may not have been a brightest of lightbulbs back then, but I could take a hint; so I discontinued my attempts to make contact with my dad.

To make a long story short, several years later, I found out from my step-mother (his third wife) that his favorite son (my older step-brother/his second son from first marriage) had betrayed.

They both worked at the same company because my dad had hooked him up. However, my brother apparently sold the company’s documents to another company, and all hell broke loose from there.

According to my step-mother, although my dad was often living his late night, party lifestyle while she waited at home—the way my mother did while he was having an affair with my step-mother at the time (who was his mistress)—his glorious days had come to a sudden halt.

The company sued them, they lost everything they owned, and returned to the States with only a suitcase in each hand.

The more I experienced these unbelievable situations, the more I started to believe that God truly is about justice; but that was when I had believed in the Christian religion.

Now, I trust that everything that happens in our circle(s) of relationships occurs to most highly benefit all interconnected souls’ evolution.

Therefore, when we hurt another, we’re ultimately hurting ourselves, and when we unconditionally love another, that very love circles back to us.

Anyway, I went out in left field for a brief moment, but back to the story. I had felt sad for my ex/first boyfriend when I had heard that he was no longer being financially supported; his mother had passed away before we went out in high school, and I recall how deeply hurt he was, and his had father passed away of very old age while we were dating.

In addition, I remembered a very personal story that he had shared with me in high school, which rarely happened, and it made me sad.

He said that one morning, after his older brother had beat him the night prior, his older brother came into his room, and using his foot, kicked his back a few times while telling him to wake up. My ex said that it made him feel like a dog.

Although he never mentioned it, I wondered if he ever felt that his older, half brother (from his father’s first marriage) truly loved him like a real brother.

I’ve only had one main encounter with his older brother, who somewhat looked like the Chinese movie start Cho Yun Phat, and he seemed like the nice person who doesn’t smile often.

He gave my ex some money one day, inf front of me, and told him to treat ourselves to a nice dinner at one of those Korean BBQ places. Regardless of how rough his older brother may have come off at times, like many other people throughout the world who were of older generations, I have no doubt that his brother—though only half-brother—loved him the best he knew how, and continues to do so.

So, although my ex had broken my heart several times, I at least wanted to be there for him as a friend; afterall, he was a really good person despite his flaws.

He said he was done exploring with other girlfriends, that I was the best, and that he wanted another shot. To make a long story short, I basically informed him that I hadn’t a chance to fully explore yet, so that it was my turn. 

Although he took a train from California to Virginia to visit me, we got drunk together, enjoyed good food (mainly his cooking or at a restaurant), had fun, got drunk, had some old-time meaningless drunken sex, and that was that.

Oh, and there was some heart-to-heart deep talks. For instance, he asked me why I never invited him over to my house for dinner, although he was grateful that my mother sometimes made us egg and cheese grilled sandwiches for breakfast for me to take to school.

To my great surprise, she was happy to make a couple extras for him, especially after I had shared with her how he had recently lost his father, and that his mother had passed away a while back. As crazy as my mother was many times, she did/does have a big and generous heart.

Well, my answer to his question was something to the effect, “I wanted to invite your over for dinner, and even my mother was willing; however, I was ashamed of our very small house that we rented from our landlord. Unlike you, we were poor. Although my dad’s civilian rank was equivalent to a GS-13, apparently making $100, 000 a year (I looked up at some point), him supporting two families in separate houses (ours and his mistress and their baby), in addition to him sending money to his sons from his first marriage every now and then all added up. ” He became emotional and replied, “You’re making me cry.” 

He also asked why I just walked off when he broke up with me. I asked, “What was I supposed to do…beg?” He said that he didn’t want to break up with me, but that his friends convinced him that it was the best thing to do since he was leaving for college, and I was still a junior in high school.

He said he drank many bottles of soju (similar to vodka) to try and forget me, but that he couldn’t. He continued, “I was hoping that you’d beg me to stay in the relationship; because then, I couldn’t say no.”

I recall telling him that I don’t beg period, but I don’t recall if I had told him why. I didn’t share a lot of personal stories with him because my family was mostly negative drama.

In elementary school, so many times, I used to get down on my knees, rub my palms together, and beg my mother while crying, “Mama, please forgive me, I’ll never do it again, I promise”  to forgive me for whatever mistakes I had made.

However, I realized in junior high that once she finished drinking her second bottle of soju for that day, and she was feeling highly irritated or full-blown pissed, she would transform into this other woman.

This other woman, with her red face, blood-shot eyes, mean tone, flaring nostrils, and tightened lips showed absolutely no mercy whatsoever during beatings that felt like hours.

So starting in junior high, I discontinued begging, which I finally learned was ineffective. Although I still cried, I didn’t say a word, not even a sorry. It’s amazing how us humans can build up such a high level of tolerance. 

By the time high school rolled around, I became a tough cookie. I may have even started looking forward to beatings when I knew they were coming with the attitude, “Bring it. Let’s do this thing!” when I was in a more uplifted mood, and the attitude of, “Go ahead…kill me” when I was in darker space.

The last and worst beating I ever received from my mother was my junior year. After date night, my first boyfriend and I had a hard time catching a cab; hence, I was 30 minutes late. Rather than trying to get change, and then find a phonebooth, I took my chances of being a little late.

When I arrived home, the lights were out, and it was pretty dark outside and inside. After I quietly opened the door with the spare key, and tip-toed my ass into the house, I shadow emerged from the darkness, grabbed a big chunk of my front hair, and dragged my ass into the house.

My mother was like He-Woman, although she was only around 5′ tall. She woke every morning at 5:00 a.m. sharp to workout for an hour, so go figure.

Anyhoo, everything happened so fast. As soon as I was dragged into our tiny living room, my mother started stopping on my legs, alternating between the upper and lower sections. 

While this was happening, I heard her drunk voice that I could easily identify by that time, and I realized how screwed I was when she sounded extremely drunk—yes, there were degrees of drunkeness in our house, and I was confident that she had reached the max. 

The strange thing was, after every five minutes or so of beating, she would take a break and go into her room. The first time she left me laying on the floor, I made my way into my room, although I had a strong feeling that she would return. 

Sure enough, when she returned, the worst of all beating commenced. She did something that she had never done before; she grabbed the thick, wooden chair that was scooted under my desk, picked it up, and then slammed it onto different areas of my legs over and over again.

I could’t help but to make sounds, so she bent over and whispered to me through her clenched teeth, “Go ahead, shout for help. Nobody’s going to save you. What? You think the landlord is going to help, or even call the cops?” which she followed with a semi-laugh “HUH!”

She was right, no matter what house we lived in, landlords never came to the rescue, although I often hoped that they did. I suppose it was a given that children got their asses beat back then. I was even grateful whenever my dad was home, because he would at least stop my mother from losing it.

Anyhoo, I could’ve sworn she broke some part of my body; but to my great surprise, I was still able to walk the next day.

The last time my mother returned to kick my ass, she just walked into my room, went straight toward a long mirror that was hanging up, unhooked it, and then came over to me and slammed it onto the top of my head. 

However, by that point, I was in a somewhat vegetated state, just staring at the other side of the wall, watching shattered pieces of glass fly everywhere…like it was snowing outside in slow motion.

I thought she had much more, but to my great surprise, after the mirror incident, she walked right on out. At one point, as I was just staring at a sharp, almost triangular piece of glass that was near me, I began to think my first thoughts about suicide.

I grabbed that attractive, shiny piece of glass, but as I slowly and gently motioned it across my wrist with the little energy that I had, I couldn’t go through with it; I was afraid.

That Monday, I woke up extra earlier to camouflage myself, to include using foundation to cover up the little bruises that I had on my face and combing my long hair to cover my black and blue ears. I had become an expert at it since receiving beating the day prior didn’t excuse me from attending school.

My mother was clever enough to never punch me in the face since that would leave obvious bruises. She didn’t punch like a typical woman either—she used her body weight and went for the abdomen area, legs, arms, and back.

Sometimes, during warmer seasons, kids at my school would ask me why I chose to wear sweatpants and/or sweatshirt, and I would just tell them that I felt colder than usual. 

As I was sitting in a math class—forgot which one—my math teacher briskly walked by the aisle that I was in, and I’m not sure if he did so accidentally or intentionally, but the left side of my hair became lifted.

And strangely, at that very moment, which felt like slow motion again, our eyes met as he quickly turned around. I recall thinking to myself, “Please don’t say anything Mr. M.,” and he didn’t; but the expression on his face was of much concern, and I appreciated that…it was more than enough.

There was nothing he could do. I thought it through and realized that if he, or anyone else had reported the situation, and my mother was in trouble with the law, where would I go?

My dad was living with his mistress and their baby at the time, and I didn’t trust him at all, especially after he had said what he had said in the post, “Heartbreak.”

Though I’ve attempted suicide in my early twenties, in the post, “Prayer,” I learned that the process of having one’s stomach pumped is very painful, and is not something to be experienced.

After typing this section of this post, I deeply cried for my wounded inner-child, visualizing that I was hugging a younger version of me, comforting her, encouraging, and just sharing loving energies.

I also forgive myself at the deepest level of my being for having been forgetful of my true essence, and having hurt others in past lifetimes and possibly this lifetime as well, which explains why I’ve been experiencing much negative karma (since there’s positive karma as well) and sufferings in this lifetime.

I AM taking full responsibility for everything that shows up in my life, even if it means losing the little that I have left in my life.   

In my late thirties, after much examination of all of my experiences with her that I was able to recall, to include my observations of her, as well as other family members observations, I learned/remembered that my mother was a wounded wounder—a soul who had forgotten her true essence—who was never taught to heal from her pain and sufferings that had collected over the decades of her life since childhood. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Back to my conversation with ex/first boyfriend in mid nineties: While staying with me for a few days, I found out from my phone bill that he was calling another female in New York while I was at work.

Though I didn’t take his words seriously at first, that he wanted another shot at our relationship, I resented him for still being his same old deceitful self.

Even in high school, I found a picture of him, his best friend, and two Korean girls (from downtown) at some ski trip that he never told me about in his chemistry book; so I went over to his classroom and threw the book across the room toward where he was sitting. Yes, I know, there’s a pattern here of me completely losing my mind; it’s the half Korean temper in me, and I own it. 😉

When he sent me a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day to apologize, I immediately trashed them upon receiving the delivery in the classroom. So yeah, there was a lot of teeny boppin’ drama.

Anyway, I told him that he should follow his heart and hook with with the girl in NY, and he made some lame excuse that the only reason they had interesting conversations was because he made it fun.

At that point, I basically gave up on him and his habitual lies. Often times, being a hard head myself, I learned lessons the hard way.

I had a strong feeling that since he only had a student visa, he was searching for a potential wife with American citizenship so that he could permanently reside in the States; and when he found out in VA that I only had a green card, he desperately pursued Plan B.

Throughout the next decade, he managed to contact me three more times. The first time was around 4-5 years later, while I was married to my first husband.

I received an anonymous envelope that include a newspaper clipping of a weight loss add, with the hand-written note on top that read, “You should try it, it really works.” The handwriting was very familiar, and there was only one person that I ever knew from a certain area in California.

I suppose if I had been overweight when my ex/first boyfriend and I had reunited in five years after high school, I would’ve been like, “What the hell? This mf has some balls telling me that I should try some weight loss plan?”

However, because I knew that he had gained a lot of weight since high school, and was basically fat when we had reunited, I knew that he was implying that he had lost weight over the years.

For a minute or so, it made me sad that he might have believed that I didn’t want to get back with him because he was fat…but I got over that pretty quick.

And the second to last time I heard from him via email was while I was stationed in Hawaii around 2005, and I responded with much frustration something to the effect, “What do you want from me now?! Money??? Because I have none ok!!!”

However, the last message he sent me, around 2008, was to reconnect with our high school classmates and friends via this new thing called Facebook. I apologized for having gone off on him the last time, and I started participating in Facebook.

When the last I heard from him was the fb message, “You look the same, but your husband is handsome,” (apparently he went through my fb album), I sensed that he never really wanted to be friend on Facebook, but rather, just gain information. For the next several years of using, Facebook, I learned that there was a pattern of people friend requesting, but not truly having the intention to reconnect on a human to human level, but rather, to merely gain whatever info they need, and to ignore any messages. I ended up deactivating Facebook.

Anyway, I finally forgave my ex/first boyfriend unconditionally for all of his ulterior motives, indirect methods of communication, his dishonesty, his habit of often putting me down in a so-called joking manner throughout our relationships, his disloyalty, for having used me for sex with no intention to ever develop a serious relationship, etc., and just wished him and his loved ones well from the depths of my heart.

If we ever happen to cross paths again, I trust that my unconditional love for him will be like the rest of my soul brothers and sisters, and nothing more.

So what did I learn from this seemingly long-ass journey of an odd, on and off relationship? Besides Unconditional Forgiveness, that the true love that I had been searching for since high school was not within another, but was deep within me all along.

I learned/remembered in my late thirties—better late than never—that Unconditional Love is True Love, and when we’re able to fully and unconditionally accept/love ALL aspects of ourselves, we can then fully do it for others. However, until then, we will continue to search for unconditional love outside of us.

In addition, I realize that ultimately, the so-called negative characteristics of my adoptive dad (e.g., dishonest, clever, manipulative, disloyal, etc.) were showing up as, yet, another character in my life.

And because I hadn’t forgiven my adoptive father for his unloving ways at the time, the lesson reappeared in another form, and this case, with my ex/first boyfriend.

Had I not forgiven my ex/first boyfriend again, we would surely run into one another again where one or both of us would experience a negative reaction (rather than a positive response), triggering hurt energy deep within our DNA, giving us the opportunity to heal and transform.

When I left home supposedly for college life at 17, I still wanted to do the “right thing” overall; however, when my dad confessed that he had spent my college money on his 3rd marriage (which I later realized never even existed), and after two failed attempts of attending expensive university on my own in California, my attitude was like, “Fuck school,” and I moved to Virginia with my girlfriend around 19 years old, and I started working as a waitress, smoked a pack of Marlboro Reds a day, became an alcoholic, had sex with whoever I felt like having sex with, and just enjoyed life.

I didn’t realize until my late thirties, that even not having attended college right after high school, was truly a blessing in disguise; nothing teaches one more wisdom than actual life experiences as opposed to concepts within books that can be easily regurgitated.

Note: Image on left above found next to link => www.pinterest.com (thank you)

I later realized that my dad accusing me of various things was him projecting his lack of honesty, integrity and loyalty onto me because he often lied to people in general—a clever survival tool that he had picked up while living in one abusive foster home after another throughout childhood.

He was the one having an over a decade long affair with his mistress, and even got her pregnant and convinced my mother to raise the baby for three years.

My mother had also accused me of some things that I had no way of proving until I crossed paths with my biological father in my mid-thirties; my husband had found him while I was deployed in Iraq.

Just some of the hurtful words like “You ruined my life,” “Your real father left because you cried so much as a baby” “You ruined my marriages” all turned out to be untrue.

Note: Image on right above found next to link =>  www.pinterest.com (thank you)

When I used to send my mother money from the states to Korea, my phone conversations with my mother were often pleasant. However, once I informed her, when I was in my late thirties and got out of the Army, that I was no longer able to send her money, she seemed to do a 180.

Phone conversations following that week were very distant and rude, and filled with much negative energies of resentment (i.e., Implication: “How dare you no longer help me financially when you’re my only daughter”), judgment (e.g., “Why would you get out of the Army? Only losers do that”), anger (e.g., “You have a bad personality. But then again, so does your biological father.”), manipulation (e.g., “Hey, how about replacing $20 bills with $100 bills?”; “Oh don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. Just worry about you and your husband.” => in sad tone; “Oh yeah, I received your card.” in apathetic tone => Implication: But it didn’t mean anything since it didn’t contain any cash).

Note: Image on left above found next to link => leoplaw.com (thank you)

I used to feel sad that I had seemingly discovered in my late thirties that my mother’s love for me was conditional indeed; however, after going deeper within, I realized my mother feeling disappointed in me no longer financially helping her more than likely paralleled to her feeling disappointed in my adoptive father when he had decided to marry his mistress of over a decade in 1991, and chose to no longer financially support her after five years. 

In addition, since my mother didn’t believe that she had experienced true love from her ex-husbands, and was never taught to love herself unconditionally, she didn’t know what it looked like to love others unconditionally, to include, her one and only daughter.

Note: Image on right above  found next to link => www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk (thank you)

I haven’t called my mother in Korea for about year or so, and she hasn’t made any attempts to contact me as well. I trust that we will cross paths again in Divine perfect timing and order if we’re meant to, for the highest benefit of our soul growth.

I still love her, but until I fully and unconditionally accept/love all aspects of self, I won’t be able to transmute her so-called “negative energy attacks”—which ultimately are reflecting back to me my own negative energies deep within me that I need to heal and rise above.

When I’m confident that I can just Be inner-peace—an eye within a storm—I have no doubt that an opportunity will arise where that confidence will be put to the test.

Note: Image on left above found next to link => www.briancollinson.ca (thank you)

The last experience I had of manipulation was sometime the beginning of last year. While still having a Facebook account, I received an unexpected friend request message from a friend who I knew since 9th grade.

The immediate feeling that I sensed was one of caution, and several reminding thoughts followed, like, “You’re not ssseriously considering to accept her request, are you?” and “Don’t do it…you’ve been this route a few times before and none of them ended well.”

Back then, I had mistaken this “not so good feeling” and “not so positive thoughts” as my judgmental, fearful ego self, when in fact it was my heart self since our intuition is from our higher self, and the thoughts were merely discernment. 

Back then, I had mistaken the thoughts, “Maybe she changed…people can change you know” and “Just give her another chance” as my higher self, when in fact it was my ego self—who likes to do the “right” thing in order to be accepted and approved by others and God and convince oneself that one is “good”  and “forgiving.” 

Anyway, I accepted the friend request and dove into the dark abyss. Like most polite conversations, it all started with a clear day with baby blue skies. Of course, whenever we humans participate in the small talk, we feel pretty comfortable, and we’re able to enjoy ourselves.

However COMMA whenever there’s any degree of friction, or misperception that one has “won” another over—thus, the true colors can start coming out from hiding—then dark clouds can start gathering closer together, eventually concealing the bright sun.

Once the basic information was exchanged, my friend—I’ll name her Lisa—started basically saying, “You’re not going to believe that so and so did such and such” to include someone ordering a mail-order bride, to which I replied, “As long as he’s happy, that’s all that really matters.” 

Lisa continued to inform me of several other personal information, and to each of them I replied in the same manner that I did with the first one.

During this quickly tiring process, I sensed that I was being tested by Spirit within on whether or not I would react (with fear) or respond (with love), so I did my best to transmute whatever gossip that she shared.

Anyway, to my great surprise, after sharing with Lisa different perspectives to all her gossip, for the last one that she shared, she mentioned that she could see where I was coming from. Now, whether or not she meant what she said was not my concern.

Note: Image on right above found next to link => wwwawesomequotes.blogspot.com (thank you)

There was a part of me that just wanted to say what I usually say to people when they speak what feels like anything other than the truth–which is most of the time the not so easy to swallow truth(s)—however, knowing Lisa as well as I did, I knew that it would create much unwanted drama that wouldn’t get anywhere, so I refrained.

Once, during my senior year and her junior year, while walking somewhere on post with the three of us (Lisa, Jean and I), Lisa accused me of not being a caring friend, and I went off at her for the first and last time, something to the effect—“You’ve got some nerve to say some shit like that! You’re right, I’m not a caring friend…that’s why, when I went to UCR for the fucking Mock Model U.N. Conference this year, and had one day off, rather than joining a group of girls who invited me to go to a mall—something I had never experienced in my entire life before—I chose to visit your ass at Becky’s condo—one of my Physic’s teacher’s daughter’s place at the time that he hooked Lisa up with since she had been suspended from school and had nowhere to go—so that I can see how you were doing and  give you $100 so that you could buy groceries.”

There was silence after that, and I walked off. I don’t recall what happened afterwards, but we eventually made up. At that point, I’m pretty sure Lisa became more of a package deal.

I really liked her sister Jean, so I’m pretty sure I tolerated Lisa for a long time. There were only three times that I can recall where I had an unpleasant experience with Jean.

Once, in high school, while on my way to the restroom, I noticed Jean approach my first boyfriend at the lockers and slowly rub his shoulders. I thought, “Hmmm, interesting” and continued to quietly observe from a distance.

Whenever Jean, who was known to be very flirty, was around guys, her tone of voice would change into a much higher pitch.

I assumed that she was only that way with her boyfriends, or soon to be boyfriends, but to my great surprise, she actually changed her voice around my boyfriend as well, which I thought was odd since she didn’t do so whenever I was around.

And although my boyfriend was very friendly with everyone, I was surprised that he didn’t flirt back. I left the apparently hot and forbidden scene and headed back to class.

I don’t recall if I ever talked to my boyfriend about it, but I did mention to Jean what I noticed about her change in voice whenever she was in her flirty mode. She didn’t realize it, so I left it as that.

I was disappointed in her because I never felt the need to flirt with any of her boyfriends.; but then again, I didn’t exactly flirt with guys. Most of my guy classmates actually thought I acted like a guy around them, sometimes jokingly referring to me as a female gangster.

Although I still liked Jean as a friend, I no longer trusted her around my boyfriend. The following italicized section is from the very helpful reading, “The Archetypes of Sacred Feminine Initiation,” and provides a better understanding of why we may negatively react to unfamiliar behavior and actions of others (in this case, flirtatiousness):

“In each of us, one of these archetypes is usually stronger, more familiar, more who we know ourselves to be, and one is usually deeply in shadow–unknown, unloved, or unwanted, and powerfully controlling our lives until we have the opportunity to see it and do some healing. This is the archetype that seems foreign to us, and we may feel uncomfortable when we see it in another woman. For example, one woman may be primarily Lover; it comes naturally to her, while, for another woman, her strength and comfort is in being in the Mother energy. The Mother woman may find the Lover energy quite unknown, maybe even threatening to her. This Mother woman gets a glimpse of her own shadow via the Lover woman, what is yet to be developed. We get to see our shadow in other women. What is disowned in us is mirrored back to us by other women. We either have an adverse reaction to them when we seem some aspect of our shadow we may not want to own, or admire certain qualities that we think we don’t have. Our shadow can reveal some very wonderful aspects and gifts that we have not yet recognized in ourselves.”

The following italicized section of the same reading above reminded me of Jean:

“The bright Lover archetype within us is like a playful, uninhibited, three-year-old. She loves contact and wants to engage the world with her body, her senses, and her theart. Eros, relationship with others and with ourselves, with animals and the natural world, are primary to the Lover within. Our bright Lover is sensual, sexual, playful, embodied, creative, inquisitive, and in touch with her emotions. The Lover in us usually feels that more is better, and is not crazy about boundaries. To have healthy relationships, we have to have boundaries and the help of our Amazon [..]”

The following italicized section of the same reading above reminded me of me:

“The Lover falls into shadow when we are traumatized, abandoned, sexually abused, or in some way hurt as children. She can also fall into shadow after a rape, an abusive relationship, or a deep loss of someone we love. If we had mothers who didn’t know how to make contact with us, or didn’t hold us or truly see us, our Lover may not feel safe enough to come forth. The shadow Lover is often disembodied, may have a distorted image of her body, may carry excess weight, health problems, chronic accidents, or be anorexic or bulimic. She feels deep shame about her body and her being, and may abuse drugs, food, or her own body. The shadow Lover can appear as one who knows no boundaries and can overdo everything, override her own needs and her body’s needs. Addiction is a Lover wound. Relationships can become a hell realm for women whose Lover is in shadow. The wounding of this archetype within us can also deaden our creativity and our sexuality, as well as our ability to feel our feelings.”

Once, Jean informed me that her mother (who worked at the Youth Center, and knew many students) had invited my boyfriend over for dinner one evening knowing how I felt about that particular situation. It felt as though she was rubbing it in my face.

I didn’t understand then why she had the need to gain the attention of her friend’s boyfriend when she had plenty from her own.

Looking back, I realize that it was due to just continually desiring attention from the opposite sex to perhaps feel better about her self-image and sexuality.

Once, I showed my boyfriend a picture of Jean and I at our volleyball trip to Japan; we were in bathing suits. I found out later, during one of our breakups, that not only did he mention that the picture of Jean in her bathing suit was hot (she did have a great body), but that he wanted to be next in line to get a piece of her.

Of course, when we got back together, and I confronted him about what I had heard (due to my jealousy and disgust about the information), my boyfriend denied that he had ever said those words; but then again, I learned later that he wasn’t exactly an honest person either . Although I didn’t full trust him, or anyone else for that matter, like a big fool who was in love, I got back together with him again.

I didn’t learn until 2001 and after that trust in not a necessary ingredient for liking or even loving another, which is why it’s called unconditional love, from one of Neale Donald Walsch’s books.

By the way, Jean may have messed around with her boyfriends, but she saved her virginity for only one boyfriend in the end who truly mattered, and was a really sweet guy, unlike the rest who had ulterior motives. 

Once, during a youth center trip to a Korean amusement park, right after getting off of a roller coaster, Jean turned toward me and threw up all over me. I immediately patted her back, made sure she was okay and cleaned it up.

However, what was strange is that at that very moment, I sensed that something was off, as though I intuitively knew that it was on purpose; I wondered why it was necessary to aim directly at me, rather than a slight turn to the left or right.

I even felt guilty about having such a thought, and because I wasn’t aware of what intuition was back then, I just brushed it off. 

What’s interesting is that almost a decade later, during a reunion of Jean, Lisa and I at Jean’s home, we were all having a conversation, and as soon as Lisa jokingly brought up the fact that Jean had thrown up on me that day, Jean’s husband turned to her with an expression of disbelief and disapproval and said, “You threw up on her?”

Jean had a little smirk on her face like a guilty child caught digging in a cookie jar. It wasn’t until these moments that I had realized that my gut feelings back then was spot.

To Jean’s defense, she had jaw surgery not too long before that trip, but I just recall sometimes wondering about Jean’s intentions, that didn’t seem to always match our so-called “close friendship.”

Looking back, I have no doubt that my higher self was communicating to me through my intuition about Jean’s nature, among others; it’s just that, at that time, I had not learned to effectively use it yet.

We all had some fun times—especially with cooking food together and sharing stories—but there’s only so much drama one can take, especially if there’s enough at home.

About 2 years after I graduated from high school, I visited her and her husband, and I felt as though I was living with my mother again.

Around 2000, after I found out that my first husband had an affair, I went to visit Jean and Lisa, and we had a good time; I really needed to be with friends at that time since family members weren’t available.

Shortly afterwards, Lisa convinced me to visit her home (after her and her first husband divorced) and also consider living with her at some point.

At the time, I felt like I had nowhere to turn, and I was pretty damn exhausted from hearing the phrase, “If you’re not happy…pack your shit and get the hell out, and don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!”

My adoptive dad used to say that to my mother because he knew we had nowhere else to go. Sometimes, when we share personal stories with others, we can become vulnerable to others using certain information against us.

But then again, when we realize that ultimately, no one has power over us unless we allow them to, it doesn’t matter if another uses information against us. Even if someone harms us physically, they can never harm our souls.

When I dig deeper, I realize that ultimately, the so-called negative characteristics of my adoptive dad (e.g., the unloving statement above, lack of connection to Heart center) and biological mother (i.e., manipulative and controlling) were showing up as, yet, another character in my life.

And because I hadn’t forgiven my parents for their unloving ways at the time, the lesson reappeared in another form, and this case, with the exact same statement, “If you’re not happy…pack your shit and get the hell out, and don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!”

Had I not forgiven my ex/first husband , we would surely run into one another again where one or both of us would experience a negative reaction (rather than positive response), triggering hurt energy deep within our DNA, giving us the opportunity to heal and transform.

Anyway, after getting tired of hearing such statements, I chose to visit my friend, with the hopes that she could help m escape the reality that felt like hell to me, and to bring my toddler kids along.

There were so many times that I just wanted to pack up and leave with my kids, but I was fearful that I would make some mistake(s) that would end up causing harm to them.

I also worried that if I pissed off my first husband enough, he would ensure that I never got to see my kids again. He used to tell me that because I had a suicidal history, the court would never allow me to be a single parent. 

When I visited Lisa, everything was all nice at the beginning; however, as soon as she was convinced that my mind was made up to live with her, she did an eerie 180 on me, as though she jumped into a booth and turned into…well, her usual self.

Once, after drying my hands off, Lisa stormed into the bathroom and snapped at me, telling me that the towels weren’t perfectly lined up. 

I knew at that very moment that there was no way in HELL I was going to ever live with her. To witness her true colors was indeed a wake up call.

After I returned home, I informed Lisa that I had changed my mind. I informed later because I didn’t care to deal with the drama. She became very irrate, and basically put me down in multiple ways. I told her that I had enough of her, and that I never wanted to speak to her again, and hung up.

She kept calling back, and left message apologizing, but I disregarded them. One day, when I came home from a college class, there were over 15 messages on our answering machine.

Every since one of them was exploding with desperation, anxiety and anger. I became so turned off, that I think we changed our phone number. 

One can only take so much manipulation, compulsive lying, and obsessively controlling behavior for so long. As much as I liked Jean, Lisa’s sister, I chose to no longer stay in touch with her anymore as well; the package deal no longer applied. The mere thought of ever crossing paths with Lisa gave me chills up my spine. 

In 2001, I ended up joining the Army as a soon to be Korean Cryptologic Linguist/Analyst.

However, here I was again in 2014, back to square. Just when I thought that we were reconnecting on a deeper level, Lisa started talking about her one and only sister’s ways of being and living…and not in a “good” way.

Like I mentioned above: There was a part of me that just wanted to say what I usually say to people when they speak what feels like anything other than the truth–which is most of the time the not so easy to swallow truth(s)—however, knowing Lisa as well as I did, I knew that it would create much unwanted drama that wouldn’t get anywhere, so I refrained.

In one of the series of posts, that includes, “Choosing To Be My Own Best Friend” I had no problem asking my Army friend to no longer talk badly about her other three friends, her mother and sister in front of me since it made me uncomfortable. It’s healthy to vent, but when it goes straight into unloving gossip, that’s where I draw the line, with the exception of the above example.

Lisa starting to talk bad about her sister became more challenging to listen to since I cared about her sister. Lisa’s sister, Jean, who’s less that 11 months or so younger, were in the same grade.

In 9th grade, I became friends with the both, after months and years went by, I learned that Lisa was more than a handful. Once, her sister shared a story with me, and I asked her if she believed it, and she replied, “I take whatever Lisa says with a grain of salt because I realize how she is; however, she’s still my sister, and I love her.”

I was grateful to have been able to witness her loyalty to her sister—it was a soul-touching moment. Although I didn’t understand then, I now realize that Jean’s very expression was Unconditional Acceptance/Love itself.

I have no doubt that Lisa loves her sister very much as well, but her throwing Jean’s dirty laundry out there, even to me, was not an attractive side of her.

In addition, that informed me that whatever information I shared with her would more than likely be spread to everyone and their mamas and grandmamas…and not exactly in an accurate way.

When she shared a story of how she couldn’t believe that Jean got upset one day and walked out of Lisa’s house when Lisa insisted that Jean add spice to her ramen, my lips were burning to say something.

Although I told her that maybe Jean just wanted to eat what she wanted to eat, what I really wanted to say was, “So you’re still extremely controlling?”

Sporadically for over decade, since junior high, I’ve witnessed Lisa manipulate and control those closest to her to the extreme.

Once, she made a porkbelley dish that had more than the average amount of fat, and although her husband didn’t want to eat it, she told him (like a mother) that he had to sit there and finish it.

I like pork belly prepared well too, but this dish was just straight up FAT chunks; Ididn’t blame her husband for not wanting to eat it.

That was just one of several incidences that eventually led to the belief that one day, he was going to leave her. And sure enough, he eventually did, and told her that he’s never been so happy.

At one point during our conversation, Lisa said in a “joking” manner something to the effect that she couldn’t believe how I used to act so sneaky and good in high school, like I was better than other girls, when I was having sex with my boyfriend as well.

As soon as she said that, I intuitively knew that was her way of making me feel guilty about myself; she had said the same thing the last time her, Jean and I got together.

I told her then, but since she insisted on repeating the same expression, I reminded her by saying something to the effect, “It’s called doing one’s best to survive. Had my mother found out, she would’ve literally beat me to death; and I didn’t trust anyone considering all the gossip that goes around.”

I also wanted to add, “Are you ssseriously comparing me being bad with you being bad back in high school? YOU who slept with back to back G.I.s and bragged about it, had a nickname “slut” that your own sister gave you, smoked cigarettes and weed, habitually shop lifted, snuck out of your window in the middle of the night, got suspended from school, got kicked out of your own family’s home, and God knows what else? I suppose misery needs company, but this gal ain’t it sister.”

When I dig deeper, I realize that Lisa was merely mirroring back to me my own guilt that I had felt during that time-frame.

When Jean, Lisa, and a few other girlfriends talked in detail about their relationships with their boyfriends, I wanted to share my stories too; however, I had witnessed how when certain friendships turned against one another, cattiness would then lead to gossip.

I used to regret that I had ever went out with basically a player who more than likely used me for sex; however, I learned over decades later that regret, guilt, and shame keeps us from moving forward, growing as a soul, and just Being inner-peace, so I chose to release it with a powerful intention statement.

Afterall, from my freshmen to junior year, I felt that I had experienced the most love from a human being, though sporatic due to in-between breakups.

There were good memories, and the one that stands out the most is when my parents and five year old sister (from my dad’s mistress) and I returned from a three-day family trip, and my ex-/first boyfriend stopped by my house with a small birthday cake and gift.

It meant a lot to me at the time because my parents had forgotten my 16th birthday—something I heard girls at my school talk about, and how big of a deal it is—and he and I were broken up at the time.

He had apparently stopped by the day of my birthday, but we weren’t home, so he returned another day. My mother was like, “What’s with the cake and gift? It’s not like it’s Christmas or anything!”

I told her that it was for my birthday and went into my room. Minutes later, she walked in and threw me a $20 bill after having informed my dad.

I didn’t expect much from parents after elementary school, but I recall thinking that it’s one thing not to celebrate another’s birthday, but it’s quite another to make one feel bad on their birthday.

Once, on another birthday—I think the 14th or 15th—my mother came into my room and asked, “I don’t have to make you miyukguk, do I?”

Miyukguk is a traditional soup that Koreans eat on birthdays. I replied, “No,” but I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t want to make it for me.

I trust that often times, a simple word, gesture, or act of kindness can go very far, and in this case, I’ve always treasured it in my heart, despite the fact that it was more than likely conditional love (i.e., because he wanted to get back together).

Towards the end of our conversation, Lisa mentioned that she doesn’t have any true friends where she lives because she wants friends who have the same values. I was so flabbergasted that I became almost speechless. I calmly told her that I felt the same way; of course, I was talking about my own values, not hers.

Once our conversation ended, I intuitively knew that would be our final one, at least by phone. Lisa later sent me a request to come visit her and her second husband, which I thought was really interesting. It almost felt like I was going back in time to retest a life lesson.

Lisa strongly insisted that I come, and even offered to pay for my plane ticket; and, she ended her message saying that she would be very crushed if I declined. As soon as she said those very last words, the red, manipulation flag went straight up. I politely declined, and sent her a goodbye message.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Lisa used whatever information she obtained in our conversation against me; if anything, it would be predictable. However, I just don’t care anymore. I’m SO DONE with this type of BULLshit.

I learned through such scenarios that sometimes, no amount of reasoning, talking, conversing, making up, etc. makes any difference to those who are adamant about things must be in life.

In addition, I’ve learned that those who habitually have the need to manipulate and control others will temporarily agree with others in order to “win them over.”

And once that happens, it’s back to the fearful ego self. During one of my therapy sessions, I learned about the cycle of abuse, which includes the “honeymoon” phase among others things. The abuse itself eventually repeats itself.

When I dig deeper, I realize (once again) that ultimately, the so-called negative characteristics of my biological mother (i.e., manipulative and controlling) were showing up as, yet, another character in my life.

And because I hadn’t forgiven my mother for her unloving ways at the time, the lesson reappeared in another form, and this case, Lisa.

Had I not forgiven Lisa , we would surely run into one another again where one or both of us would experience a negative reaction (rather than positive response), triggering hurt energy deep within our DNA, giving us the opportunity to heal and transform.

What I find very interesting is that approximately a year ago is when I stopped calling my mother, and around the same time-frame, Lisa re-entered my life again.

I had discontinued calling my mother because every week I called her, she either didn’t seem interested in having a conversation, or she was just very distant and even rude.

I took her sudden change in way of of being as an effect of my decision to no longer send her money every now and then because I was no longer able to, and I even explained it to her; however, she made it clear that she was bitter about my decision to leave the Army. She used to be friendly whenever I called before, so when that changed, I felt that her love was very conditional. 

When I dig deep, I realize that Lisa, like many others, is a wounded soul, doing and living the best way she knows how in every present Moment of Now under her circumstances.

When Lisa and Jean were children, their mother supposedly left them outside a store after buying them snacks. I have no doubt that such a situation left deep wounds within their hearts, that perhaps event today haven’t fully healed.

Jean and Lisa’s step-mother, a generous Korean lady, once shared with me a story about her experience of seeing them for the first time.

She said something to the effect that while she was visiting her future husband’s home, she noticed that Jean and Lisa, who were around five years old or so, were about to open a package of ramen, and that it broke her heart.

While listening to her short, yet deeply moving story, I visualized the scenario using my imagination, and it made me sad. 

Regardless of what their father’s side of the story is, I trust that there are two sides to every story, and the untold one doesn’t necessarily equate to the heartless person.

I wondered if Lisa’s mother was in an abusive relationship, and couldn’t take it anymore. Afterall, though Lisa’s father was a very kind man, he often beat Lisa and Jean.

However, despite the strict rules and beatings, Lisa nonetheless became the epitome of rebels. It’s like the saying about Catholic girls become the wildest. When I dig deeper, I realize that Lisa was merely mirroring back to me my own rebel within.

I have no doubt that parents back in the day, to include mine and Jean and Lisa’s parents, were doing the best they knew how to raise their kids; it’s just that false accusations, very strict rules and beatings weren’t too effective.

Perhaps Jean and Lisa’s biological felt that she had no other choice but to leave her kids, trusting that their father would surely take good care of them.

Unless one has walked in the shoes of a domestically abused woman, one has no idea what that woman went through.

Often times, the ugliest of acts occur behind closed doors; and often times, abuse—whether verbal, psychological, physical, and/or sexual (to include domestic rape and sodomy)—don’t get reported.

It’s easy to be quick to judge and point fingers, saying things like, “What a heartless mother!” or “What a bitch!” or even “Just call the cops!” But when children are involved, one lives overseas, and there’s no where else to go, the decision becomes a bit more complex.

They say you can only kick a loyal dog so many times before it eventually bites back its owner; and possibly in Lisa’s mother’s case, just leaving an unhealthy environment.

Although I had always sensed that their mother wasn’t at fault, I don’t think the three of us (Lisa, Jean and I) ever talked deeply about their mother.

It was a sensitive topic, and if I recall correctly, they believed that their mother had abandoned them. May the truth always be revealed.

Lisa is more than likely very manipulative because her fearful ego self is afraid of not getting what it desperately wants, and since it felt that it wasn’t able to keep its mother figure around, it decided to do everything in it’s power to keep what it does want in its life.

I never thought of this until now, while typing this. Lisa is more than like very controlling, because like many of us, during childhood especially, she believed that this inner power had been taken away from her.

The truth is, this inner power—Divine power meant to be used with Unconditional Love and Divine Wisdom—has always been within us…just covered up by all of our fearful beliefs deep within our subconscious.

Perhaps Lisa’s habit of compulsive lying, like my biological parents and adoptive dad, stems from having been deeply hurt from having shared their truths during childhood; hence, they felt the desperate need to make up various stories (acceptable to society) to receive attention and approval from society in general…because the truths hurt too much.

The following italicized section is from the very helpful reading, “The Archetypes of Sacred Feminine Initiation,” and provides a better understanding of how we can identify certain shadow aspects within us, that’s being mirrored back to us to learn from them (in this case, Lisa’s need to lie compulsively, as well manipulate and control others ):

“When the Mother archetype is in shadow, the wounding with our own mother may be profound. We may not know how take care of our own physical needs, be in our bodies, or nurture a child. We may feel incompetent as mothers, or be narcissistic and deny our child her own individuality and experiences. Shadow Mother can cause a woman to be totally absent to her kids and ineffectual, or controlling, demanding, manipulative and guilt-inducing. Shadow mothers don’t mind their own business and they may not know how to make real contact.”

When I dig even deeper, I realize that this theme of seemingly other character showing up in my life who express the same or similar “negative” characteristics as both of my parents will continue to show up into my life over and over again until I’m finally able to truly (and not just with empty words like I’ve been doing) and unconditionally forgive myself and others like Lisa and all three of my parents from the depths of my heart…and I AM effortlessly intending  to unconditionally forgive myself and others like my biological parents, adoptive parent, and Lisa—hands down the most difficult people I’ve ever experienced—from the depths of my heart.

I had finally let go of certain unhealthy relationships, and I later realized that I remained in them because I had a belief that I could somehow help, heal, and even “save” them from their own sufferings.

The following are a few examples of posts that have mirrored back to me what shadow aspects I need to embrace and/or heal and transmute within me:

• “My First Encounter with a Narcissist“

• “Choosing To Be My Own Best Friend“

• “Closure for 2013: Releasing Unhealthy Relationships“

The above examples are just a few of many that I had to experience in order to learn many life lessons, the main one being the unconditionally accept/love self first and foremost rather than going around trying to “save” others from their miseries. It’s loving to help others, but not to the point where one is neglecting self.

Note: Two images above found next to links => www.pinterest.com (right) and  groups.yahoo.com (left) thank you

I didn’t realize it then, but by expressing my truths to these so-called others in these past relationships—though not all of them received it well—I trust that it has somehow helped their soul growth as well, which in turn helped mine.

The more I remind myself not to allow others (to include my dog) to have control over my emotions, and to take advantage of me, the more I experienced inner-peace, self-empowerment, and unconditional love for self and others.

Note: Image on right found next to link => www.pinterest.com (thank you)

When I dig even deeper, I realize that by trying to change others in the past for what I believed to be “for the better,” was a form of manipulation in itself since I had identified their weaknesses as below a certain standard.

Though my intentions were to help them in some way, shape or form, the mere attempts to change them was like stating, “Wherever you currently are in your soul journey is not good enough; hence, you must become good or better.”

The truth is, every soul is exactly where they need to be in their soul growth in Divine perfect timing and order, according to the Divine Plan within them, and it’s not for any other to decide whether they need to be rescued.

Note: Image on left above found next to link => orbitingthoughts.tumblr.com (thank you)

I’m continuing to weed out of my life everything (and not just relationships) that no longer highly serves my accelerated, individual and collective soul growth/evolution, regardless of their earthly labels; and I’m also allowing myself to receive everything that most highly serves my accelerated, individual and collective soul growth/evolution as well.

I often remind myself, until reminders are no longer needed due to sheer inner-knowing, that my outer world continuously mirrors my inner word, and I can learn/remember from those reflections who I’m not, and who I truly am. 

Note: Image on right above found next to link => awakeningtheself.com (thank you)

Conclusion: I See The Light

Added 3/13/2015:

To summarize what I mentioned above (and then some) I realize that ultimately, the so-called negative characteristics of my biological mother (i.e., manipulative, controlling, compulsively lying, narcissistic, etc.) and adoptive father (i.e., dishonest, clever, manipulative, disloyal, etc.) were showing up in varying degrees as, yet, different characters in my life—mainly in my ex/first boyfriend, my ex/first husband, my friend Lisa, and my dog—and as the amplified, combo package (of both parents’ negative characteristics) of The most challenging person I had ever met…my biological father.

Had I not forgiven all of them , we would surely run into one another again where one or both of us would experience a negative reaction (rather than positive response), triggering more hurt energy deep within our DNA, giving us the opportunity to further heal and transform.

If I ever cross paths with these so-called “others” in my life again (besides my dog since he still lives with me), I trust that it will be on peaceful terms.

After sensing that these very challenging, extended relationships are part of my soul family, helping/triggering one another’s powerful emotions to grow as souls through various events, I googled, “soul family” and clicked on the link that drew me toward it: Soulmates: Soul Family, Soul Groups and Twin Flames. 

To elaborate on the poster on the left, I’m reminded once again that very difficult relationships—often perceived as “enemies” which are merely angelic pure souls in disguise/those who have forgotten their true essence—are there for a great purpose—part of Divine Plan.

As interconnected souls of The One/All That Is, we are here to be a mirror to one another—who we choose to be (our true self) and choose not to be—as we play out many life scenarios; thus, learning (or not learning until a later time or lifetime) much invaluable life lessons/wisdom.

It’s way too easy to like and love the likable and lovable, even a monkey can do that; however, the true challenge to experiencing Unconditional Forgiveness and Unconditional Love is by first experiencing seemingly unlikable and unlovable people.

And the more we reject them without deep understanding, empathy, compassion, unconditional acceptance, embrace, unconditional forgiveness, and even unconditional love, the more they show up in our lives, either as themselves, or as different characters.

This doesn’t mean that we must stay in unhealthy relationships, but rather, at least forgive them unconditionally from afar and wish them well.

Note: Image on left above found next to link => masteringtoday.me (thank you)

When I choose to see everything within me and outside of me through the ancient eyes of Christ within, I realize that even manipulation, control, and so-called negative emotions, behavior, words and actions can be  perceived with deep understanding, empathy, compassion, forgiveness, unconditional acceptance, embrace, and unconditional love since it stems from fear-based energies—essentially a lower vibrational frequency that has forgotten its higher and purer nature.

Note: Image on left found next to link => funny-pictures.picphotos.net (thank you)

March 11, 2015: Upon completing this post, I saw 7:55, one of the repeating sacred number codes that often reminds me that whatever I’m doing or Being in the Moment of Now is in alignment with my life purpose, and that I’m on the “right” path best fulfilling the Divine will within me. Note: I added more afterwards up to March 13, 2015.

Note: the link above is a website that I often use as a guidance tool—ANGEL NUMBERS – Joanne Sacred Scribes—As with all other readings, I always follow my intuition first and foremost, and only take in information that highly resonates with my Heart.

After completing this post on the evening of March 11th, I enjoyed a reading, “The Power of Certainty ~ Channeled February 26, 2015,” that I had set aside earlier that day.

Like I shared in a similar comment to them, their website is by far, hands down, the most unconditionally loving, profoundly wise, encouraging, comforting, peaceful, truthful, uplifting, empowering, liberating, inspiring, heart-warming and soul-igniting messages/teachings I’ve ever read so far, and I’m very grateful for their existence in my life and anyone else who highly resonates with them.

Note: Image on right above found next to link => www.davidicke.com (thank you)

Note: Images above found next to links => 1) fractalenlightenment.com 2) www.pinterest.com 3) meetville.com 4) www.pinterest.com 5) www.pinterest.com  6) frithluton.com 7) www.pinterest.com 8) www.pinterest.com and 9) community.humanityhealing.net (thank you)