Note: Images above are the before and after pics of the Saturniidae Caterpillar and Moth, found next to link => sun-gazing.com. Whenever a moth shows up in my outer reality, I’m reminded of the main, moth spirit guide message, which is to seek the light (and Be the Light) within the so-called darkness of life.
This post is a continuation from the previous one, “Tired of Making the No Longer Sweet, but only Sour, Lemonade from Life’s Barrage of Lemons?“; and the following is the last section within it that I will use as an intro:
While watching the above mentioned video, and reflecting upon past, similar experiences, I realized that it would highly benefit Multidimensional self/Self to identify and deeply look into my core beliefs, since powerful beliefs create our reality.
The following is a section I transcribed from the very helpful video, “How to Change a Belief – Teal Swan” and that I’m using as a brief intro before identifying, analyzing, and changing my outdated, detrimental core beliefs :
The only thing I need to decide about beliefs in order to change them: “Beliefs are neither true or false—since everything is subjective—they are either beneficial or detrimental to me.”
If unable to decide if they’re beneficial or detrimental, make a list of both. Then decide what I’d rather believe. “Let your non-beneficial beliefs be your inspiration towards beliefs which you want to believe.”
Step 4. “Determine the emotions that are holding you to the belief like superglue, because of the payoff that that belief is creating for you.
For example: If I believe that I’m not good enough, if I’m being very honest about the emotional payoff, it might look something like, ‘I get pity when I feel like I’m not good enough, and when I express that to somebody, that pity feels like people care about me.’ Or, when I think thoughts like, ‘I’m not good enough, I give up the responsibility of having to try something new.’
We have to decide whether the emotional payoff is worth the limitations of the beliefs which we’re holding. Nothing will help anybody to change something that they don’t want to change.
So the first step really, which we are calling the fourth step, is to really decide whether you want to change that belief or not. That dedication is going to help unglue the superglue of the emotional payoff which is keeping you tied to that belief. And once you decide that you really want to change a belief, and that superglue starts to get weak, the belief begins to get weak as well.”
Note: The example above was very helpful because I have no doubt that the belief, “I’m not good enough” is one of my detrimental, core beliefs since childhood.
Helpful videos related to this post:
- “How to Find a Core Belief – Teal Swan-“
- “BOREDOM – Teal Swan –” (very helpful for the old and outdated belief, “I usually don’t get what I need and want”)
- Comment shared for the above video: Teal, a lot of your teachings are profound and incredibly helpful. I watch some of your videos more than once because the universal themes are crucial and very practical for the individual and collective growth and evolution on all levels of our being—physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.Thank you so much for all that you are, and all that you do for your Multidimensional self/Self, interconnected humanity, Mother Earth, merging worlds, and beyond. <3<3<3
- Shared as an update in recent post, “Goodbye Old Belief in a Compassionate God/Higher Self/Goddess/Source/The Nameless”:
- “How to Cure Apathy – Teal Swan –” (also helpful when not knowing what you want or desire anymore)
- “Disappointment (How to Get Over Disappointment) – Teal Swan“
- “Find Your Negative Imprint, Find Your Life Purpose -Teal Swan-“
Self-Limiting, Core Beliefs:
- The beliefs, “I’m not good enough” and “I usually don’t get what I need and want”—e.g., love (especially acceptance and compassion), encouragement, presence/genuine attention, safety (from various forms of abuse), peace (from earthly dramas), reliable parents, needs (especially emotional needs and support), desires, belonging, trust, etc.—stems from the core belief, “I’m not worthy.”
- Childhood experiences that formed this belief:
- My mother telling me the following (one or more times):
- “If I had your bio father’s second child, or your adoptive father’s child, then they would’ve stuck around.” So, according to this statement—assuming it’s true—me being the only child wasn’t enough to keep both of my fathers around. It’s probable that her statement was true, but highly unlikely. First of all, my mother wasn’t willing to take responsibility for her own negative words and actions that probably contributed to the end of her relationship with my bio father and the two marriages with my adoptive father; granted, they weren’t innocent either since they both had issues with honesty, integrity, infidelity, and the list goes on. I’ve also learned that it doesn’t matter how many children a couple has—to include Catholics who are supposed to stay together in a marriage no matter what—if they’re not compatible, it just won’t work out. However, to depend on the birth and/or actions of a child (or children) to make one’s relationship work, or even blame a child for a failed relationship(s) is completely unreasonable.
- “If you were a son, your bio father might have stuck around.” It’s possible that this statement was true; however, it more than likely stems from an old, outdated, overly patriarchal influence throughout this world’s society that males are more worthy than females, which isn’t true. Divine worth of every interconnected soul has nothing to do with gender. We are all equally worthy despite outer, earthly circumstances and what general society may say.
- “If you had a better life destiny, your life would be better.” This can be true IF one is not self-aware—and not in the process of consciously expanding their consciousness—and therefore is unable to alter the probability that is the strongest match to one’s current, low vibrational frequency. However COMMA when one is working towards becoming more self-aware—and is in the process of consciously expanding their consciousness—then that person will have more and more, ever-changing probabilities (life paths) to choose from. This was a paraphrase of what I learned from Teal videos regarding the theme future (there’s at least two that I’ve watched; will insert link another time). I also wrote a post a while back titled, “Destiny from Earthly and Cosmic Perspectives.”
- “If you had a sibling, it would be worth cooking you some delicious meals.” I can understand where she was coming from, since it might not feel like it’s worth the effort to only cook for one person. So what I did this year was treat myself whenever I had a craving for something delicious that I could make. Since there are a lot of tasty recipes online, I just put on some uplifting music, and enjoyed cooking for my inner-child. I also savored the food and felt happy.
- “You’re nothing but a cold-hearted Jap! Everyone hates Japs, including the Americans.” (heard several times since ninth grade) I can understand why she felt this way because 1) the history between Korea and Japan, 2) her and my Korean relatives (to include my grandmother) were willing to take a chance with my bio father (who’s Japaneses-American) and welcomed him into the family, but he suddenly abandoned us when I was a baby nonetheless, and 3) I—who looked like him according to my mother—constantly reminded her of him (which was painful). However, 1) I (as a child) was not involved in the Japanese/Korean war, 2) I didn’t betray her, and 3) I had no intention to hurt her with my appearance that I had no control over. Now, in order to completely embrace and integrate the aspect of self/others that is “cold-hearted,” I will take from it what I can use in a beneficial way, which is to not become too emotionally attached to people, situations, things, etc., but rather, Be in this world, but not of it. I also admit that I can be seemingly cold-hearted towards others during moments when I refuse to be manipulated (in a negative way), controlled, abused and/or used. However, respecting self, having self-compassion, creating healthy boundaries (and maintaining them) is a form of unconditional self-love (i.e., “warm-hearted”). In addition, when we allow others to get away with manipulating, controlling, abusing, and/or using us, we’re not doing them a service either since it makes them worse. Also, I have no doubt that there are still those throughout this world who “hates Japs” the way that there are also people in this world who hate other types of people. But if people hate an entire nationality of others just because of certain characteristics (that doesn’t necessarily apply to everyone from that nationality), then quite frankly, I don’t give a rat’s ass what those narrow-minded people think. One of the posts I created when I started blogging is, “Acceptance” (of me being Japorean, which I’ve also shared within this blog). Watching this video this morning (7/28/2018) also helped => “Self Concept, The Enemy of Awakening (Accept the Badness Within Yourself) – Teal Swan –“
- “Why do you want me to come watch your game? It’s not like you guys ever win.” I realized today (7/28/2018) that the aspect of my mother who was only willing to be there for so-called winners, was the exact same aspect that was within my second-to-last basketball coach (also my English teacher in high school) who quit because he became tired of losing. Thanks to this aspect that is only loyal to so-called winners, I was able to experience deeply appreciating its opposite aspect—aka contrast/duality/polarity—which I shared within the category page (on top of blog), “A Message to My Soul/Inner-Child“:
- Pic on left: I used to not like this once haunting picture because 1) I looked like some Asian female gangsta with major attitude on a bad hair day, and 2) it reminded me of all the humiliating experiences I had while playing basketball throughout high school, and how much I sucked at it.
- However, I was reminded of a deeply heartfelt experience that I had due to a special [art] teacher/[last] coach who believed in his students (though no one else did), which completely changed my perspective of this picture. I shared this story in the post, “Treasuring Awe-Inspiring Souls” under the sub-title, “Lessons Beyond Academics.”
- “That’s too expensive. We can buy you much cheaper clothes [or shoes, bathing suit, underclothes, toys, a watch, etc.] at the Korean market.” This is understandable since many parents throughout this world—regardless of generation—were/are frugal. However, due to my heart’s desire, I’ve intended to transform from poverty consciousness to Prosperity Consciousness; so I trust it will fully be so in Divine perfect timing and order.
- “You and I would have a U.S. citizenship like some of your Korean friends [who were adopted by American fathers that married their Korean mothers], but your adoptive father is too busy messing around; he doesn’t care about us.” One’s citizenship doesn’t define one’s worthiness, but I completely understand why this was hurtful to my childhood self. After all, the giving of such things represented a form of love. In addition, when our volleyball team went to Japan for a tournament, everyone had to wait on the bus for over an hour or so because there was a problem with my Korean passport not matching my military I.D. card (due to the different last names). When they finally let me through, and I got on the bus, I could tell that everyone was grumpy due to having to wait so long; I felt so ashamed, and even hated my father. When my friends asked me why my father didn’t bother to get me a citizenship—which was a given to them—I just said it was because he was very busy. But deep down, I believed my mother that he didn’t love us and care about us. So when he later bragged about getting his mistress turned wife one so easily, I didn’t understand why he was rubbing it in my face and being so hurtful. However, he may have been clueless, or, it was his indirect way of hurting me. I don’t know. If he was alive today, I would ask him, but he passed away in 2011 of a heart attack, so it is what it is. Perhaps I had convinced myself that I had forgiven him for all the pain he’s caused his three sets of family members, but really didn’t. I have a feeling there are still remnants of resentment and hatred towards him, and I now fully embrace the hating aspect of self/others. I will take from it what I can use in a beneficial way, which is to allow hatred to eventually lead me to its extreme opposite aspect, the experience of unconditional forgiveness (which stems from Unconditional Love)—the deepest form of forgiveness, unlike the conditional forgiveness of many religions and belief systems.
- “You’re going to stay at your grandmother’s house again [or Seoul aunt’s condo] while your dad and I go on a vacation.” (happened practically every year since I was six years old; first vacation with family while residing in Korea was right before turning 16 since my adoptive dad wanted to take his toddler daughter from his mistress, who my mom agreed to raise for three years; so I suppose he thought it would’ve been too obviously messed up if he only left me behind). This actually worked out well—despite feeling as though my presence was unwanted by both parents, and having been molested by my uncle—because I was able to spend more time with my two, sister-like cousins whom I loved and felt loved by.
- “Your adoptive dad said he’s going to leave us. Let’s take some rat poison and kill ourselves in the rice patty.” (when I was around 10 years old). This extreme contrast/duality/polarity of the experience shared in post, “Learned Solution“ (suicidal mother), which stems from hopelessness and powerlessness—along with the related experience shared in post, “Prayer” (suicidal self)—have both helped me to deeply appreciate its extreme, opposite aspect which is self/Self-trust and self-empowerment.
- “You can’t have a regular girl scout’s dress; your adoptive dad said it’s too expensive.” (So I had to wear an ugly, dark, olive green dress that my mom bought at the Korean market place, which made me feel like more of an outsider as the girls whispered to one another while giving me funny looks. But yet, in my early twenties, my dad’s mistress turned wife—whom I used to refer to as my step-mom—told me stories of how my dad used to carry big bundles of Korean cash around, while he was having an affair with her, and would throw it around at the bar and spend it like there was no tomorrow). I trust that having such experiences has helped me to be able to deeply empathize with those who felt out of place, and not judge those who didn’t wear: nice clothes, clothes that were appropriate, or clothes that were in style.
- “Do I need to make you miyuk-guk today? (with a not-so-happy facial expression) [today referring to my birthday, and miyuk-guk is a Korean seaweed soup usually eaten during one’s birthday (as well as after giving birth); like a birthday cake]?” Also, both parents forgetting my 16th birthday, and then my mom throwing me a $20 bill upon finding out days later. The contrast/duality/polarity of this experience has helped me to deeply appreciate self and interconnected others who do desire to celebrate those they respect, admire, and even love with various forms of unconditional love (e.g., compliments, special occasions, congratulations, surprises, cards, gifts, etc.). Example post, “Tears of Joy“
- Other examples that led to the core belief of not being worthy, in post, “Liberating Wings of Freedom: Rising Above Childhood and/or Adulthood Abuse” (especially under subtitle, “Comments of the Unloving Mother vs. the Loving Mother”)
- My adoptive father often telling me the following (once):
- “Your 17th birthday present will be the stereo system from the living room, ok?” Continuing next time…
- “Let me tell you Bobbie, it was so easy to get Suk [his decade-long mistress turned third wife after divorcing my mother the second time] a U.S. citizenship from Hawaii.” He told me this in my early twenties when I still didn’t have mine (only green card).
- “I will teach you how to drive when you’re in high school.” Never happened, but yet, he bragged to me how he taught his new wife how to drive.
- “Study hard and I will set up a college account for you.” The promise was made while I was elementary school, so I kept my end of the deal and busted my ass (especially in high school) despite the absence of encouragement and emotional support from my mother (the only parent I was living with during those years); but after I was accepted to UCR, I had to withdraw because he suddenly lost touch with me for a while. He said he spent the college account on his new wife and their home.
- “Your real father wasn’t a nice man; he didn’t care about you. Look, he didn’t even leave his name on your birth certificate.” (when my parents first sat me down right before ninth grade, to tell me that my adoptive dad wasn’t my biological parent)
- An excerpt from the post titled, “Envy” (my nickname growing up was Bobbie): Bobbie watched and listened as her father lifted his [real/blood-related] baby daughter up in the air and said, “Look at daddy’s girl! You’re so cute! You’re going to be president one day!” Bobbie thought to herself, “He never said anything like that to me.” Bobbie wished at that moment that she was her step-sister. It was so lovely to watch.”
- “Get the hell out of my office! You’re not even my real daughter!” (shared in post, “Heartbreak”; theme: not being blood-related)
- “You can either live with Rick and Okie [one of my older step-brothers from my adoptive dad’s first marriage and his Korean wife at the time] after high school, or you can stay here with your mother and become a nobody.”
- My mother telling me the following (one or more times):
- Childhood experiences that formed this belief:
So it’s understandable why I have such a strong core belief of, “I’m not worthy”, and other related beliefs such as “I usually don’t get what I need and want” that stemmed from that one. Helpful videos: “How To Overcome Shame -Teal Swan-” and “How Do I Discover Self Worth? – Teal Swan“
Plus, I recall feeling strong, negative emotions during those times—deep fear, sadness, depression, shock, devastation, disappointment, shame, anxiety, hopelessness, disgust, resentment, anger, hatred toward self and others, bitterness, regret, and even rage—which made it even more challenging to let go of them.
So what are the emotional payoffs for continuing to keep these beliefs?
Let’s see. If I believe that I usually don’t get what I need and want, then I can prove that I’m right whenever it happens; hence, I feel less powerless because I was at least able to predict that it was going to happen. Because if I choose to believe that I usually do get what I need and want, and then I don’t, then I could get hurt again, the way I did so many times in the past.
However, there have also been plenty of times throughout my life that I did get what I want, and where I felt worthy to whatever degree.
In addition, I can choose to believe that I usually do get what I want, as long as what I want is truly in alignment with my current, heart’s desires, and it highly benefits me; otherwise, Source within—who already knows all that I truly desire, due to being able to see the bigger, birds-eye view from above the dark valley—wouldn’t give/send those to me if they were detrimental.
And last but not least, had my parents—wounded wounders/”lost souls” who weren’t able to deeply heal from their own traumas and other negative experiences in life—not said and did all those hurtful things (blessings in disguise), I wouldn’t be here today working towards something so incredibly profound—such as changing one’s core beliefs, which can be a major game changer in Life.
7/27/2018 (F)
A quote from a very helpful video, “Meet Your Needs! – Teal Swan –“:
“If needs were not met for us in our childhoods, they need to be met now in order for us to grow up”
The above video was also very helpful in re-evaluating my needs on all levels—physical, mental, emotional, financial and spiritual—especially when it comes to my current marriage.
The other day, I finally watched the video, “Why You Can’t Leave The Relationship (Intermittent Reinforcement) – Teal Swan –” that I’ve avoided watching in the past because I sensed it applied to me, and I didn’t feel ready to face the truth.
Upon watching the video, I embraced that it did, indeed, apply to me; and when Teal mentioned the part where it will literally feel as though you stepped into an alternate reality (after leaving the unhealthy and unhappy relationship), I felt briefly excited.
I later watched the same video again with my husband sitting beside me doing something on his laptop. To my great surprise, he seemed interested in the video. After watching it, I gently mentioned to him that I realized that my relationship with him has been, and continues to be, more of an unhealthy addiction that Teal talked about.
His speechlessness and gentle and innocent, yet, guilty expression was like that of a child who just got caught sneaking a cookie out of the cookie jar before dinner. That moment confirmed my hunch all these years. He’s usually very stubborn and adamant about proving he’s right whenever he believes so.
I even started journaling a while back about these seemingly odd and confusing patterns of experiences with him—of night and day like words, behaviors, and actions shifting between sudden closeness and then complete, emotionally unavailable distancing.
I started the journal because whenever I shared my observations with him, he made it seem like it was all in my head (i.e, gaslighting—that he used to do often in the past—that I also learned about from Teal’s profound teachings).
Strangely, I don’t feel angry towards him—and I’ve experienced feeling very angry towards him about many things within 12 years of our mostly rocky marriage (that slowly and somewhat improved the past few years); and I have a feeling that my calmness had to with the genuine look on his face—perhaps the best way he knew how to acknowledge what’s been happening, and at the same time, apologizing without expressing it verbally.
Anyway, now that I’m aware, I intend to take needed action for my well-being when an opportunity arises (mostly financial-related).
Even when we go our separate ways in Divine perfect timing and order, I will still wish for his well-being and happiness—the way I did shortly after divorcing my first husband (the father of my only, adult children)—and I will cherish both the loving memories and the not-so-pleasant ones that have all helped us to grow and spiritually evolve on all levels of our being.
This video also made me wonder if I was one of billions of human “lab rats” within the Cosmic experiment, and Source—or whatever extension(s) of Source—has been sporadically and unpredictably throwing me something positive in life once in a blue moon (like pellets); hence, I’m also addicted to hope/faith in the presence of an unconditionally loving God/Goddess/Higher Self/Source/I AM Presence/Soul/Spirit/Angelic Realm/Ascended Masters/Galactic and Universal Families, ETC. Note: Also shared this section as a comment for the above video.
Helpful videos:
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The following intro is from the website connecting2life (since I wasn’t able to find legible posters to add to this post, I added two links below that will take you to each list in another window):
Feelings and Needs lists:
The following are words we use when we want to express a combination of Feelings-Physical Sensations, and Needs-Values-Longings.
These lists are neither exhaustive nor definitive. These are meant as a starting place to support anyone who wishes to engage in a process of deepening self-discovery and to facilitate greater understanding and connection between people.
Feelings – Sensations – Emotions List
Continuing next time…
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Upcoming post, “Finding the Good in Shadow Aspects that I Disapprove of in Self/Others”
- Note: The title of this post was inspired by the helpful video, “How To Overcome Shame -Teal Swan-” that includes the questions, “How is this thing I disapprove of good?” and “How is this thing I disapprove of, about them, good?” which is about the integration of shadow aspects within us.
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