Epiphany!

A Continuation from the post, “4:44”:

I just had an epiphany about how ironic it was for my initial post to be titled, “Remembering to Love Our Soul Brothers and Sisters Disguised As Enemies.”

It was me who had to remember to love myself disguised as an enemy!

When we don’t believe that we are worthy enough to have the best in life, to include loving relationships, then we become our own worst enemies. It should be no surprise then that we get involved in unloving relationships, if that’s what we feel is the best that we can do.

We create our own realities with our thoughts, feelings and images. Now it all makes so much sense! Wow. “Feeling worthy” is one of those major challenges I’ve been working on, since I was often made to feel unworthy since I was a child.

It’s no wonder practically every romantic relationship I’ve been in has been abusive (physically, verbally, emotionally, and/or sexually) or a few of the several friends I’ve had took advantage of me/used me/stepped all over me.

My lack of respect and love for myself allowed them to treat me that way. I can’t completely blame them. Not that it’s right or loving, but some people will treat you like a doormat or like crap if you allow them to.

The less I care about what other people want me to say, expect me to do, and/or wish for me to be a certain way, the more freedom I give myself to be exactly who I choose to be.

For instance, almost three years ago, I chose to no longer be in an unhealthy relationship with my husband. I told him that he could either go to individual AND marriage counseling, or we can go separate ways. I was receiving individual and group therapy at the time, so it made sense that we both received help since we both came from broken homes.

He agreed to go, and our relationship has improved so much since then. And today, we’re still married. I thank God that he gave us the opportunity to grow together. That day was the start of some major changes in my life…in ME.

The reason why Becky’s loyalty as a friend meant so much to me is because I haven’t had a friend in a very long time.  My husband and I attended BBQs with one another’s coworkers, but I didn’t have a close girlfriend in a while.

Also, being the only E-7 female in my last unit’s company (while I was in the Army) didn’t help with making friends. So when I met Becky (also an E-7 in the Army) at a PTSD group session, and then she cried when I was later scheduled to leave the group, my heart went out to her, and I wanted to be her friend.

It’s just that, for over two years, I’ve been trying to comfort her, motivate her, inspire her, be gentle with her, be patient with her, be honest with her, be assertive with her…but her negativity is just ongoing and contagious. Even my husband said that she was too much.

I once told her, “Becky, you’re my friend; however, I’m my own best friend now, which means I won’t allow you to continuously bombard me with your negativity. Either make some kind of change with whatever you’re not happy about (with the many advice, suggestions, resources that I’ve offered and the countless info available out there), or stop complaining about the same things over and over again. As a friend, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

That’s just one of the many talks we’ve had. She talks and acts like she understands, but then she continues to be herself. I now understand that she has every right to continue to be herself, and I have every right not to be around her never-ending negativity.

I’m also reminded by what I learned from one of NDW’s books, that I don’t need to trust anyone. I can choose to no longer have trust issues by choosing to not have to trust. If I do feel like trusting someone, then I will also choose not to have any expectations…the way I strive to trust God.

If things don’t turn out the way I expect them to, then I’ll end up feeling like I can’t trust God anymore. However, faith is about believing before seeing and trusting that no matter what the results turn out to be, it was a perfect outcome created by a perfect being.

The more we respect and love ourselves, and believe that We ARE Worthy of unlimited love, peace, joy, truth, freedom, abundance and power…the more we can be of service to ourselves (i.e., becoming…as NDW states it, “the grandest version of the greatest vision we ever had about ourselves”), humanity and God.