May 13, 2014
In yesterday’s writing, I left out an important aspect of my life lesson. There was a good reason why I didn’t feel like publishing this post yesterday evening—it wasn’t complete yet.
This past Mother’s Day, I woke up from a spiritual dream disguised as a nightmare. I believe this dream was a past life/parallel reality—since the past, present and future are all occurring in the Moment of Now.
I initially assumed that this dream was just another way of releasing my fears and healing; however, I realized today that there’s a lesson much deeper than that.
In the dream, which wasn’t vivid like most of my dreams, I think I was in a barn. I was washing (with a washcloth) this tall and muscular Caucasian man, who I think was my son or grandson. I only saw him from his neck to his waist area.
All of a sudden, he pushed me down, and started jamming his fingers around and in my private area, which hurt, and I rarely experience feeling pain in my dreams.
I tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn’t. So I started yelling for help, and I saw a little boy outside, and I shouted, “Go get grandpa!” and then screamed at the top of my lungs as the pain became excruciating.
When I woke up, I asked my husband if I had screamed while asleep, since I used to during “nightmares,” and he said that I didn’t, but I was whimpering, so he comforted me, and I went back to sleep.
I had a feeling there was a correlation between such a dream, and Mother’s Day, but I didn’t know what it was at the time. Instead of asking my True Self for some insight about the dream, I chose to dismiss it, because I didn’t want to focus on such a dream (that my small ego self judged as “disturbing”) to start out the day.
[Paragraph in purple inserted on May 14, 2014: Regarding the dream, I caught something that went over my head. Why was I (mother or grandmother) bathing a grown-ass man? Perhaps I was a controlling mother, the way my own mother tried to bathe me at the Korean bathhouse as an adult.
Maybe the son had enough of the mother and did what he felt was necessary at that moment. I have a strong feeling that the reason why I experienced my own controlling mother scrubbing me really hard with a sandpaper-like cloth as a child (whenever she was angry) was because I (as a growing soul) had to learn what it feels like to do that to another (since I had done it to my own son or grandson in the dream/past life/parallel reality).]
Later that evening, after suppressing a few built-up hurtful experiences with wine and distracting TV shows, I ended up exploding/crying profusely the next day.
It probably didn’t help that the day prior to Mother’s Day, I was invited to one of my husband’s former client’s wife’s gathering. They’re a really nice couple, and I didn’t have the heart to turn down another one of her invitations.
I had done so because I felt like the song from either The Electric Company or Sesame Street, “Which one of these don’t belong with the others.” All the women were between 20’s and early 30’s, and most had small children.
Anyhoo, it was one of her friend’s birthday, so she gathered 11 women to celebrate it at a restaurant. It was fun, until it got awkward (for me) as everyone started sharing their plans for Mother’s Day. I was happy for them, but I felt out of place, and I secretly hoped that no one would ask me…and they didn’t.
Today, the following quote from one of the most helpful readings jumped out at me, which helped me to gain insight on this dream:
“If you have a pastlife self that is making their presence known, do the same for him, letting him know that old story is no longer valid […]” Shifting With Grace and Ease & Becoming Your Own Hero ~ Channeled May 1, 2014
Although I believed that I had both a conscious and unconscious belief that a part of my kids (the wounded side) “hated” me, I didn’t know what that unconscious belief looked like.
Thanks to the dream, I now realize that I had an unconscious belief stored deep in my DNA from a past life/parallel reality experience.
This old and outdated belief of unworthiness as a mother (that I deserved to be harmed by a loved one) has affected my current reality experience. My current, outer reality is merely reflecting this, and many other “negative” energy/beliefs that I have deep within me.
I’m reminded once again that others who are hurtful to us (angels in disguise) are only being that way in order to help trigger that “negative” hurtful energy that’s stored deep within our DNA. Otherwise, we’d end up carrying the heavy load around from one lifetime to another.
As we deeply understand that these “hurtful” others (perceived by small ego self) are only disguised blessings, and we’re able to empathize with them, have compassion for them, forgive them, accept them, embrace them and unconditionally love them…we’re then able to let go of this negative energy from within…and be free from it.
May 12, 2014 (the day prior)
This past Mother’s Day, I enjoyed recorded Oprah’s shows with Eckhart Tolle: A New Earth (Chapters 7 and 8), as well as Master Class with Maya Angelou.
I usually don’t watch Oprah shows, but one thing led to another. One day, I saw one of Oprah’s inspiring Super Soul Sunday shows, with author Tracy McMillan, which caught my attention; so I shared the following info from www.huffingtonpost.com with my oldest half-sister (paraphrased to her in text message):
“In 2011, relationship expert Tracy McMillan made waves when The Huffington Post published her polarizing blog titled ‘Why You’re Not Married.’ In it, she wrote candidly about the self-destructive behaviors that can hold people back from finding meaningful, authentic love.”
My sister later texted me back stating how much she, too, enjoyed the show, and planned on buying Tracy’s book. I was excited for her.
The first time I had ever listened to or seen Eckhart Tolle on TV was on Oprah’s show about Mr. Tolle’s profound teachings from his new book A New Earth; it deeply moved me. I also respect and admire his care-free nature and honesty.
I took a couple of notes while watching the show about the book A New Earth, and saved them in my phone’s notepad so that I could remind myself as often as I can, until it becomes mine:
“The key to understanding ‘This too will pass’—Non-resistance, Non-judgment and Non-attachment—three aspects of true freedom and enlightened living.”
“Once you see and accept the transience of all things (pg 225 of Eckhart’s book), and the inevitability of change, you can enjoy the pleasures of the world while they last, without fear of loss or anxiety about the future […] know that something else will take its place…continuously coming and going.”
The top quote was very helpful for me before I called my teenage kids later in the evening. Ever since I joined the Army back in 2001, it was often awkward calling on Mother’s Day because I believed that I was unworthy of such a celebration.
My kids decided to live with their father when they we seven and five, after my three year separation from them, and it was understandable.
They weren’t used to being around me for almost three years (minus annual visits) due to continuous Army training—basic training, Advanced Individual Training/AIT, Communications Electronic Warfare Equipment Operations Course/CEWEOC training, and an unaccompanied tour (where family members can’t go) in Korea (plus involuntary extensions/staying in Korea for more than a year).
Even after I got out of the Army, and bought a home so that my kids could come live with me (if they chose to), they ended up moving again ( a military move), and made it clear that they wanted to always live with their father and main mother (in an indirect manner).
Although I often suffered in the past from depression for having a huge void in my life, I’ve learned to accept and embrace the fact that my kids are being raised by great parents—my first/ex-husband and his wife (whom I wrote about in a post called, “Dream Mother”)—while living in a healthy and positive environment, with much unconditional love, peace, abundance, safety, security, and happiness.
One of the biggest challenges I’ve ever had was letting go of the fact that I didn’t have the life I had hoped for with my kids. I often found myself drowning in my own guilt…unable to forgive myself for what I (my judgmental ego self) had considered to be a bad mother.
Perhaps such deep, conscious and unconscious beliefs caused me to continue having experiences that reflected my inner reality. As my kids became teenagers, they became more irritated with my long-distance phone calls.
My husband reassured me often that they were just being teenagers as well, and that his teenage kids do the same to him sometimes. After such phone calls, I would feel sad…sometimes for days, thinking that my kids hated me.
One day, while enjoying the comedy show Modern Family, the teenage daughters not only gave their mother attitude, but was down right rude to her; however, it didn’t even faze the mother, and they later ended up making up.
That show helped me not to take my kids habitual irritations and blatant rudeness so personally, but it still wasn’t easy since my situation was different from a mother who lives with her children.
I had stopped calling my own mother over a year ago because I finally got exhausted from calling her, only to hear her get irritated with me. I didn’t deserve to take it from all ends.
Granted, every now and then, I would get a nice surprise where my kids and I would have pleasant conversations. When they were in good moods, I expressed how I felt about the “not so good” conversations, and my daughter explained that it wasn’t personal, and that all teenagers probably talk to their parents that way.
The quotes mentioned above helped me to try something different, especially, “The key to understanding ‘This too will pass’—Non-resistance, Non-judgment and Non-attachment—three aspects of true freedom and enlightened living.”
Although a part of me resisted calling on Mother’s Day again, due to the fear of being rejected again, I chose non-resistance. Although my kids made it clear that they weren’t interested in talking to me, I chose non-judgment by understanding that they more than likely had a good reason (maybe they were tired), which may not have to do with me necessarily.
And even though neither one of them said, “Happy Mother’s Day,” which they sometimes did in the past, I chose non-attachment by 1) not expecting it in the first place, and 2) not being disappointed.
That evening, I drank some wine to numb any feelings that may come up. Although I had successfully started out the process with non-resistance, I still hadn’t let go of not judging myself (of being an unlovable mother to my kids). Rather than being real with myself in that moment, I suppressed my true feelings.
A part of me wanted to cry, but I instead watched TV to avoid thinking about it or having any sad feelings.
Although I wanted to talk about it with someone, I knew that discussing it with my husband only leads to his usual comforting words (which is nice, but not helpful at a deeper level), and ultimately his unspoken solution—to avoid his fear rather than face it (i.e., not calling his kids often to prevent from getting hurt by their negative attitude or lack of participation in phone conversations).
Thanks to my husband’s way of being in this particular situation, I’m able to better define myself. I believe we all have our moments of being “less” of this or “more” of that, or even “good” or “bad” in order to help one another better define ourselves as soul sisters and soul brothers.
My ego’s desire and pride for me to successfully go through the recommended process (without failure) prevented me from Being my True Self in those Moments of Now.
Deep down (a silent whisper from my True Self), although I had failed to successfully go through the recommended process of “Non-resistance, Non-judgment and Non-attachment,” I knew I would try as many times as it took until I made it mine.
The next day, after my husband left the house, I thanked my shadow self for manifesting (as others, to include my kids) my deep guilt, doubts, concerns, worries, and fears so that I could learn/grow from my own reflections/my shadows.
I also thanked my ego self for always wanting to protect me, help me to survive, and to be accepted and approved by society throughout my life.
Note: Eckhart Tolle gave an explanation to one of the viewers about his insight about the passion of the Christ, in Oprah’s show A New Earth.
He mentioned that not only was Jesus a representation of all of us individually, but collectively as well (as humanity), but that it was Jesus’ acceptance and embrace of his suffering (rather than resisting it) that led him to his ascension.
After one of my morning tinkles (pee), I sat on the toilet and went through phases of uncontrollable bawling, which hasn’t happened in a while. I chose not to resist it (suppress it/hold it in), judge it (label myself as ultra sensitive), or be attached to it (believing that what is momentarily happening defines the all of me). I just decided to Be in the Moment of Now.
I observed myself from an objective point of view as my True Self, and comforted my ego self as it continued to feel as though it was shrinking and diminishing.
I comforted my shadow self to trust in the gentle process of releasing our doubts, concerns, worries, guilt and fears to the angels and Ascended Masters to be transmuted and healed.
I then reminded and encouraged my shadow self and ego self that we would integrate as One Soul as we healed with loving energies and remembered our true essence, which is Divine love.
After crying on and off for what seemed like an hour, I felt a sudden peace within me that seemed almost beyond words…as though my inner body was the vast, silent universe itself.
I felt as though I became much stronger all of a sudden. I felt so confident that everything was perfect just the way it was in the Moment of Now; it was a knowing rather than a belief.
I thanked my Beloved I AM Presence as usual, and focused on loving myself (all aspects of me, to include my wounded inner child/ego self/shadow self) unconditionally for the rest of the day.
I plan on buying Eckhart Tolle’s book, A New Earth, as soon as I’m done with the one I’m currently reading, Secrets to Spiritual Success by Bill Foss, which has helped me to start some new ways of meditating (i.e., chanting the mantra, “Om Mani Padme Hum” while thinking about its complex, yet, simple meaning), as well as pondering profound teachings—sometimes a single sentence.
Although a part of me (my small ego self) felt sad on Mother’s Day, not only because my kids didn’t seem like they wanted to talk to me, but also because one of the important women in my life (my kids’ main mother) didn’t give me feedback (again) for a card that I had sent her, although I had sent it out this past Tuesday and I found out from my kids that she had received it.
My ego self felt hurt because there were other times that my kids’ main mother didn’t reply to my messages (whether text, fb, email), or even provide feedback on a card or gift that I sent.
I once spent over an hour picking out a really pretty dress for her toddler daughter, and sent it to her. After not hearing about it for over a week, I sent her a personal fb message to see if she had even received it, but she never replied to it…even though she was often active on fb.
My kids later told me (after I asked them), that her toddler daughter didn’t like the dress, which may be the reason why I didn’t get any feedback. I don’t know, but I didn’t send her anything the following year in case I was just annoying them.
I had a feeling that perhaps my kids’ main mother thought that my cards and gifts to her and her toddler children was my way of kissing her ass—that perhaps it was my way of begging for her friendship. All I wanted to do was show her my appreciation for all that she’s done, and continues to do, for my kids.
If I just wanted to check off the block each time I sent her and her toddler kids something, I wouldn’t care to find out whether or not they liked it, or if it made them happy. The mere act of sending stuff to them would be enough to feed my ego that I was a “good” person.
Picking out cards and gifts for my kids’ main mother and her toddler kids was very personal to me—always looking for things that may resonate with them.
I have a feeling that most women on planet Earth would use a $100+ spa package/certificate on themselves before choosing to send it to their first/ex-husband’s wife for her birthday, but I don’t think she realizes that I send her stuff like that because I love her like a soul sister for Being an Earth angel to my kids, and expecting an acknowledgment for other similar gestures—like a simple 2 second “ty” text perhaps— is not asking for too much in return.
I guess my ego self feels hurt because its been conditioned by society that it’s respectful and kind to show appreciation upon receiving any form of gift, regardless if one likes it or not; and when someone deprives us of such an experience, our small ego self feels disrespected, not liked and unappreciated.
I thought my kids’ main mother and I were on good terms for over a decade—with our numerous conversations, going out to dinner together whenever my current husband and I visited the kids, sharing of personal stories, etc.—but it seemed like I was getting mixed messages.
I’ve often found myself talking to family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances—pretty much anyone—about possible misunderstandings, but I recall her telling me a while back that confrontations make her uncomfortable; so I avoided having a “talk” with her about the vague relationship.
And although I don’t consider conversations that bring peace confrontations, I learned that others don’t always perceive it that way.
I’ve known a lot of people who prefer smiling to one’s face, or saying that everything’s dandy, when that’s not really the case. I suppose complaining about another to others, behind their back, is the easier route, though not an effective one.
I’ve never expected to be best friends—since it’s apparently strange to many people I’ve met that I even have a friendship with my first/ex-husband’s wife—but I didn’t think it would hurt to be good friends. After all, I’ve sensed many times that my kids feel comfortable when we all go out to dinner together and maintain a friendship with one another.
Anyhoo, in order to help heal my ego self from feeling hurt by another, I believe my True Self reminded me of some wisdom. My True Self reminded me of unconditional giving. I wrote a post a while back about one of my park experiences and what I had learned from it.
Whether we’re giving a friendly “hello” at the park, or a card on a special occasion, we should remember that our very act of giving is unconditional so long as we don’t expect anything in return, to include a returned greeting at the park, or even a “thank you” from others for them receiving a card and/or gift.
Because when we expect another to at least acknowledge our greeting, card and/or gift, then we must admit that our very act of giving is somewhat conditional.
When I mentioned to my husband that I wondered if I was just annoying my kids’ main mother with my cards, he reminded me that as long as I enjoy sending a card and/or gift to someone, that’s all that matters. And if they truly don’t like, they can be honest about it by requesting that I no longer send them anything. I agreed.
I realized that although I’ve been ‘letting go’ of a lot of stuff lately, that no longer serve my soul growth/evolution, I was still holding onto some things/people.
The following is from the above mentioned very helpful reading, “Shifting With Grace and Ease & Becoming Your Own Hero ~ Channeled May 1, 2014“:
“Do not start blaming yourself or thinking that you should be further along in the process, or you shouldn’t be feeling these things, that you shouldn’t be angry or get impatient or feeling anything less than a certain level of attainment. That is being unnecessarily cruel to yourself, Dear Ones. Encourage yourself with your self talk as much as you would encourage another. If you’re having a bad day, soothe yourself. Understand that you are always divine. You are loved and supported. Call on your helpers. Ask for assistance. Give yourself the love and nurturing that you need and know that you are never a failure.
If there are energies that are wanting to leave you, wave goodbye to them on their way by […]”
A part of me (my small ego self) still desired to be accepted and approved by my kids and my kids’ main mother—who raised them shortly after I joined the Army and then divorced my first/ex-husband (whom she married).
Another part of me (my True Self) reminds me that I’m much bigger than my small ego self who—although has “good” intentions—thinks, speaks and acts from a fear-based belief system (because it has forgotten its true nature…a part of All That Is).
I am finally letting go of my ego self’s need to be accepted and approved of by my kids and their main mother.
In their eyes—and in the narrow viewpoint of my ego self—I may not wear the label of “good” mother, and will never be given the opportunity to experience being one, but my True Self/Higher Self/Integrated Soul/Trinity: God, Goddess and Divine Spirit/All That Is knows that I’m much more than the earthly labels that human beings assign to me.
It’s between me and God why I even joined the Army in the first place (something—the military— I dreaded since high school), with the most difficult decision of leaving my toddler kids behind with their father. My kids and their main mother will never know the unwritten details of the “why,” but it’s not necessary.
I can finally be at peace with Being the “bad mother” (or any other label) that others need me to be in order for them to realize that they’re the opposite of me, since opposites (duality) help us to better define ourselves.
I have the power within me (more so than ever before) to live with whatever “negative” labels that society continues to throw at me…and to rise above them.
I’ve done it many times before—ranging from receiving the most hurtful words that parents can say to their child, to judgments, criticisms, and sarcasm from other women who labeled me as a heartless mother—-and I’m still here.
[Paragraph in purple inserted on May 14, 2014: And now that I’m aware that these “negative” labels from others are merely reflections of my own outdated and old beliefs within me (whether from this lifetime or others), deeply embedded in my own DNA, I no longer have to blame others or be a victim.
I have the power within me to change from within—to release any negativity that no longer serves my soul growth/evolution—and heal with loving energies. The more I become my full-potential, whole Self, my outer reality will surely reflect my inner world.]
God (of both Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine Energies/Consciousness) knew that it was in everyone’s highest interest for the way everything turned out (in Divine perfection).
I’m very grateful that God blessed me with the opportunity to heal my own inner child/soul, rather than passing down the hurtful stored energy to the next generation, the way many of my family members (from both sides) did in the past.
I’m also very grateful that God blessed my children with very loving and amazing parents—my first/ex-husband, and my kids’ main mother—a non-biological, but yet, a loving Christian mother who came from a healthy family background, and who has much extended family support and good friends.
I may not be the typical “good mother” or even “great mother” that many women are—who live with their kids and are often there for them—but I no longer believe that I’m a “bad mother,” just as I no longer believe that my own mother was “bad.”
My mother often reminded me growing up that she sacrificed her life for me—that everything she did, to include marrying an American, was to give me a better opportunity in life.
After so many verbal and physical fights, traumatic events, pain and suffering, I realized that she was in the unhealthy relationship for her own benefit/survival, not because she wanted a brighter future for her daughter.
I was often a punching bag or dumpster for all the “negative” energy that was stored within her own DNA—from her current life, as well as past lives. However, I intuitively know that my mother loved me the best she knew how as a severely wounded soul.
I’m also grateful that I had an opportunity to eventually become a wounded healer, rather than a wounded wounder (for everyone’s sake), despite having missed out on the dream life that I had imagined having since I was a kid.
Anyhoo, toward the end of that day, I was grateful for a Happy Mother’s Day. My husband shared some thoughtful words with me on his Mother’s Day cards, and I also received some nice text message replies.
Last but not least, I was so grateful for Oprah’s show, Master Class with Maya Angelou; it was my Mother’s Day priceless and intangible gift from my True Self/Higher Self/Integrated Soul/Trinity: God, Goddess and Divine Spirit/All That Is.
While listening to Ms. Maya Angelou share her soul-touching personal stories with her soothing voice (that even my husband was moved by)…I cried tears of sadness and joy from what felt like the deepest part of my heart.
Ms. Maya Angelou’s very loving and wise nature made me wish that I had a mother or grandmother like her. She’s such a great role model for women, and I can see why Oprah considers her a main mentor.
Ms. Maya Angelou’s deep understanding of human nature (the “good” and the “bad”), as well as her unconditional love for all of humanity, inspired me to Be better than I ever was before.
The following is a quote from that show which I consider a major game changer, when we choose to apply her teachings:
Who You Really Are
“If a human being dreams a great dream, dares to love somebody; if a human being dares to be Martin King, or Mahatma Gandhi, or Mother Theresa, or Malcolm X; if a human being dares to be bigger than the condition into which she or he was born—it means so can you. And so you can try to stretch, stretch, stretch yourself so you can internalize, ‘Homo sum, humani nil a me alienum puto. I am a human being, nothing human can be alien to me.’ That’s one thing I’m learning.” — Dr. Maya Angelou
Thanks to loving and wise teachers like Eckhart Tolle, Dr. Maya Angelou, and all aspects of my Higher Self, I’ve decided to continue writing my stories with much confidence and unconditional love for myself and others.
I’ve also decided to start publishing old drafts that I used to judge as “not important enough” due to my lack of self-worth that I’m working on fully releasing to my angels and Ascended Masters for transmutation and healing.
Last night, we had an intense thunderstorm—with heavy rain throughout the night, seemingly non-stop lightning, and thunder that was felt throughout my body—and it reminded me that my outer reality was once again reflecting my inner reality…cleansing the outer, polluted/wounded world just as my tears had cleansed some of my inner turmoil within.
I thanked God for the magnificent thunderstorm, laid out my crystals to be cleansed and recharged, and enjoyed what I learned/remembered to fall in love with (rather than be afraid of) due to its powerful sound, bright flashes of light, and splashing of water. A while back, I wrote a poem about my new experience with an intense thunderstorm called, “An Invitation from My Soul.”
