Note: This post is a continuation from the recent post, “A Lesson to Do Things Effortlessly.”

After publishing this post, I had to check myself to ensure that I was going deep within and being fully honest with self.

If the pain in my lower back and sacrum area is indeed due to an unbalanced sacral chakra, then I need to look into the matter even closer.

I thought about the areas in my life that I don’t exactly feel so good about, and I was reminded of two main things that involved the sacral chakra—sex and guilt.

I googled, “dysfunction of sacral chakra partner,” and was drawn to the reading, “#2 Svadhisthana – Part 1: The Sacral Chakra – Foundation of Life Breath Center.”

As soon as I read the following section from this reading, I immediately knew that the latter, two sentences applied to me:

“If this Chakra is balanced, there will be enormous capacity for creativity and partnerships with others, not only relatives. If this Chakra is out of balance, there will be emotional problems that have to do with sex. There will be addiction to feelings of guilt […].”

I’ve already discussed the topic of sex with my husband on multiple occasions, to include my thoughts and feelings about it, and often shared with him the importance of emotional connection prior to having sex.

He made some effort to take things slower in the bed and even showers me with loving phrases like “I love you” and compliments dealing with my appearance; however, I’ve often found myself—especially lately—not feeling so good during sex, with even uncomfortable moments.

There’s definitely something major missing, like a deep connection on all levels of our being—especially emotional and spiritual—and not just physical and mental (e.g., flowery words).

Then there’s the feelings of guilt associated with sex, that I, as a loving wife, should very much enjoy having sex with my husband (as usual) regardless of his so-called shortcomings (i.e., lack of interest in growing emotionally and spiritually) since that’s loving him unconditionally.

I wondered if I was judging him as “not a great match for self”—a good match, but not a great match; hence, my inability to be fully intimate with him.

But then I realized that I was judging my own true feelings; our true feelings are what they are regardless of how we perceive them.

So I wondered…”What do I do?” Well, I love my husband, so I never want to hurt him. However, I’ve been getting better at unconditionally accepting/loving all aspects of self at every moment, much more than ever before; and in order to fully do so, I need to honor all of my true feelings first and foremost.

I’ve made intention statements to co-create with Goddess-Self within me—of both Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine energies/consciousness—a Divine partner in this physical lifetime on Earth, who mirrors who I truly am on all levels of my Being, and who’s a Divine perfect teammate to best fulfill the Divine will/Divine blueprint within us.

Now, whether that will be an improved version (i.e., emotional and spiritually) of my husband or someone else…I don’t know. We shall see.

Now, whenever I happen to not be in the mood to have sex, but I can tell that husband suddenly really wants to, I simply state silently to self, “Beloved I AM Presence/Christ within, I’m reminded that you are in all of life. Let’s make love. It is my intention to unconditionally accept/love all aspects and extensions of you.”

In addition, I was also reminded from within to explore what exactly I do feel is lacking in my current partner. Perhaps those qualities are lacking within me as well.

My husband has many wonderful qualities, to include being very handsome and unconditionally kind to all; I just wish he was willing to fully and honestly express himself more often, and to be more confident and assertive in his nonverbal and verbal expressions (to include demeanor)—which I’ve shared with him on multiple occasions in the past, but will no longer do so.

I realized that those extra qualities that I find highly attractive are simply and solely my own heart’s desires, and by placing such expectations on my husband, I’m not allowing him to be his authentic self who has free will to do and be whatever or whoever he chooses at whatever moment.

Since I have free will as well, if I often find myself not happy to be around him, then I must make a courageous choice and take a path where he’s no longer in my life, though I would definitely wish him much peace, happiness, great health, love and much more on his soul journey.

Should we end up taking different paths, I choose not to marry again since I now trust that being in a deep, unconditionally loving relationship within another doesn’t necessarily require a piece of “official” paper to give it value and profound meaning.

Everything and everybody changes, which is part of the cycle of Life; and when one happens to change the way they feel at whatever moment in time, another—using an official marriage certificate to their advantage—should not demand, “You’re obligated to stay in this relationship ’til death do us part because: 1) you made the following promises in the past and/or 2) if you don’t…you’re going to hell because our religion says so.” That would be conditional love. I’m grateful that my husband doesn’t do that to me and vice versa. 

When I go deeper within, I’m reminded that my husband’s been putting forth some effort in becoming a more compatible match for me—slowly but surely.

He miraculously developed a habit of communing with his higher self on a daily basis throughout the day, starting early in the morning, to include expressing much gratitude for even the small things that we may often take for granted.

He also developed a willingness to say aloud, every morning, our daily intention statements together—the power of sound combined with the power of two or more enhancing and amplifying the words/prayers.

About a year ago or so, he had very little interest or yearning to better understand and intuitively know his/our Divinity within.

Last but not least, my husband is even willing to give the homeless some money nowadays, whenever we happen to be at a stoplight and they ask (usually with a sign and eye contact).

In the past—throughout our entire marriage of almost a decade—whenever I would bring up the idea of giving some money to the homeless, he would become highly irritated because he had a belief that the homeless only use the received money for no good, such as booze, and that some of them are not even trying to get a job.

I once shared with him that there’s truth to his belief, but that we don’t know for sure what their status is, and how they plan on using the money, although we can easily be quick to judge.

Within the past year, I noticed that my husband wasn’t so resistant to my choice to give a little cash to the homeless if we happened to have some on us.

There were even a couple of moments that he voluntarily gave some money with enthusiasm. Now, we even carry in the car a business card that helps the homeless.

Recently, there was a middle-aged homeless man who had his family—wife and two toddler kids—sitting on the grassy ground near him (across the street) on a scorching, hot day.

We looked at one another and had an unspoken understanding that we would help them out, and we checked to see how much cash we had on us.

My husband had a choice to either give them a dollar or ten dollar bill, and he chose the latter. Looking back, I suppose we could’ve given both, but it didn’t matter.

At that precious moment, I looked into his loving eyes and generous heart and gently said, “I’m so proud of you.”

My husband and I have talked about releasing victim mentality by no longer feeling the need to go out and “rescue” people and try to solve most or all of their problems—something I was very used to doing throughout my life.

However, despite the fine line between helping others and treating them like victims, we chose to follow our feelings at whatever moment—our inner guidance system from Heart/Soul/Spirit—and just go with the flow.

There’s been times where we haven’t given the homeless any money, and we chose not to feel guilty about it, though it can initially be challenging due to conditioned beliefs from general society on what’s the “right” thing(s) to do.

Once again, it’s about trusting Divine guidance from within and letting go of judgment of self and others.

Then there are times that we do help out. Why? Because it doesn’t hurt to give out a helping hand when the immediate need is sensed from within.

Unconditional giving from the Heart is unconditional love—as opposed to conditional giving from the logical mind in order to appear “good” to self and others, get into a place called heaven, and/or earn spiritual, brownie points by passing some life test with flying colors that one believes an Ascended Master was observing. 

So as long as we don’t overdue the giving to the point where we cause another to completely depend on us, as though they have no Divine power from within,…then we’re actually helping them; otherwise, as other spiritual teachers have shared…we end up crippling them (symbolically)/being of disservice.

The reason I chose to let go of victim mentality is because I realized that what I choose for self, I must also choose for another, since ultimately, we are parts of the whole/The One.

Since I chose to trust Divinity within me to always take care of all of my needs on all levels of my being—mental, emotional, physical, financial, material, and spiritual— for the highest benefit of my soul journey, then I must also trust that this same, interconnected Divinity in so-called “others” (essentially, soul brothers/sisters) is ultimately taking care of all of their needs as well, for their own soul journey at their own pace.

I trust that there is a sleeping or awakened Master within every being, and though we can help reignite the flame within another, it is not our soul duty to be a crutch for another.

Sometimes, I can be so forgetful of the Divine gifts of Life, especially life lessons containing much wisdom, by focusing on petty, earthly matters (like our differences).

In addition to the feelings that I’ve been having toward my husband—again, related to the sacral chakra—I’m currently in the process of fully releasing all guilt associated with my older kids.

It is my intention to no longer take their habitual ignoring of my attempts to communicate with them—or often giving me major attitude when we do communicate—as a sign that I’m not worthy of respect and kindness as a mother, person, and soul, regardless of my own so-called shortcomings, flaws, and failures.

It seems as though I’m continuing to lose all of my relationships since 2011—family members, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, neighbors, etc.

Perhaps I’m better off alone during certain phases of my life, or even the rest of my life…not sure yet. I noticed that the more relationships I end up parting ways with, the easier it becomes to detach to this material world and all earthly dramas that come with it. However, there’s the human part of me that still desires to experience much unconditional love with earthly loved ones.

When I go deep within, I realize that my kids are merely stressed out as a teenager or young adult, and I just happen to be an easy outlet to release a lot of their built-up frustrations and anger towards life—to include me having been a frequently absent mother, mostly due to the Army life in the past, divorce, as well as financial reasons.

In addition, my kids—like most of humanity—also have inner wounds that seek transmutation and healing, whether they’re conscious of it or not.

When I go even deeper within, I realize that my kids’ habitual disrespect and lack of kindness towards me (mainly from my daughter) is merely a mirror reflection of my own remnants of disrespect and lack of kindness towards self regarding the aspect of self that is labeled, “mother” and what all that entails according to general, human society.

However, since I’ve habitually chosen to trust that everything throughout the interconnected Omniverse is Divine Perfection within the Divine Plan—all of Life having significant purpose despite outer appearances—and everything happens in Divine perfect timing and order for the highest benefit of all interconnected Life, then I must continue to trust that even the seemingly “unfortunate” happenings in my own life are Divinely perfect for all.

Afterall, it’s definitely a blessing that my kids were raised by amazing parents—my first/ex-husband and his wonderful wife of around 13 years—in an overall positive, healthy, safe, peaceful, financially secure, abundant, joyful, free (as in having much freedom), fair, fun, creative, emotionally supportive, and very accepting and loving environment.

Sometimes, I can be forgetful of such gifts from Divinity within. I’m reminded that I had way too much healing to work on self, that didn’t need to be passed on to the next generation, so Spirit within me knew what had to be done for the highest benefit of our interconnected essence. 

Like I’ve stated before, and I trust will come into fruition—so long as I continue to trust in the Divine Plan (aka “have faith):

It is my intention to unconditionally forgive all of self and so-called others at the deepest level of my being.

It is my intention to always unconditionally accept/love all of self and so-called others at the deepest level of my being.

It is my intention to always have harmonious relationships with self and so-called others.

It is my intention to be in this world, but not of it—to Be Neutral, Balance and Harmony.

It is my intention to always see everything within me, and all around me, through the ancient eyes of Christ within.

It is my intention for my Beloved I AM Presence/Christ within me—God, Goddess, and Divine Spirit/All That Is—to always Be within me, as me, and expressing through me, at every moment, for the highest benefit of all interconnected Life, to include Mother Earth/Gaia, humanity and beyond.

It is my intention to best fulfill the Divine will/Divine blueprint within me, as highest self, for the highest benefit of all interconnected Life. 

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Update

1/21/2016

Sciatic Nerve Pain: A VERY informative, helpful, uplifting, empowering, and inspirational personal story relating to another woman’s sciatica challenge, something I’ve been experiencing for a few months now.