I’m grateful for the video below (bottom of post) because it has taught me other ways of Being compassionate.
I don’t agree with everything that was said in the video, but I do respect and admire Thich Nhat Hanh’s peaceful Being, most of his teachings, and his way of life.
The very loving mantras mentioned toward the end of the video deeply touched my heart. I believe we can incorporate such a practice into our lives to help release one another’s sufferings in a compassionate and loving manner.
Although I personally don’t believe it’s necessary to burn oneself out of compassion, I do respect that it’s just a difference in belief and method in expressing one’s compassion, and that what matters is one’s intention.
In the video, Thich Nhat Hanh also talks about compassionate listening, which I resonate with; the only thing I would like to add to that is to ensure that we balance self-compassion with compassion for others.
Otherwise, there won’t be balance, which can create confusion, misunderstandings, resentment, bitterness, insensitivity, carelessness and even an eventual end to a relationship.
We all have sufferings that we go through throughout our lives, which I believe builds strong character and makes us much wiser if we choose to rise above it; and we should definitely be lovingly present with one another during difficult times.
However, there is a difference between one who occasionally experiences sufferings, and one who continuously or continually experiences sufferings due to their own attitude and perspective on life.
If anyone has ever spent time with those who were/are overall “negative”—habitually (key word) pessimistic, cynical, grumpy, angry, very judgmental, critical, hateful, and/or even narcissistic—are aware of how extremely draining it can become over time (especially over an extended period) to continually listen to their chronic complaints and/or one-way conversations that lasts for hours on end.
Do I agree that when we are often “negative” that we are suffering on various levels? Yes, of course. However, do I also believe that we all have the ability to take at least some responsibility to alleviate some of the sufferings that we experience, by starting to change within? Most definitely.
When someone is kind enough to actively listen to our sufferings, and even offer comforting words and/or advice, why would we want to bombard them over and over again with the same issues and problems practically every time we talk to them, or meet them?
Whenever we give someone an inch, and they take three miles, we don’t appreciate it. So why would we choose to make another feel this way? Kindness should not be mistaken for weakness.
When someone opens their hearts and ears to us, that doesn’t mean it’s an invite to take advantage of them just because they may not complain about it. Deep down, we’re aware of what we’re doing to others.
I’ve learned the hard way that even actively listening to those who seems to always suffer is not doing anyone a favor, to include helping with one another’s soul growth/evolution.
It’s easy to say or preach that we should always listen compassionately to others to relieve their suffering; however, I believe there are limits, and personal experiences are our greatest teachers.
While listening to others sufferings may help the listener to be better understanding and more compassionate, it doesn’t always help the other to release their habit of playing a victim, and to leave their comfort zone/”negative” reality that they’re afraid to leave behind.
In regards to compassionately listening to others who are—once again—habitually “negative” and often “suffering,” personal experiences has taught me to be self-compassion.
If we consider ourselves to be active listeners and compassionate, but yet, we don’t even give ourselves a break and some peace of mind, then we’re failing to have compassion for ourselves, which stems from a lack of self-love.
If one is in a long-term relationship(s)—like a family member or friend—where the other continually pours their sufferings onto another without any concern for their well being, then it’s time to draw healthy boundaries.
For instance, I used to be in a relationship (my step-sister’s mother) with a very chatty person who often repeated stories. Most of the time, the pretty much one-way conversation would last for hours, and would include a lot of sad or angry stories.
I used to empathize with her, as well as have compassion; hence, I often listened to her. However, after several experiences (sporadically within two decades) of having that not-so-good feeling (a sign that whatever I was doing was not in alignment with my soul), I decided to change.
One day, after mentioning to her over and over again (for the last time) that I could no longer “talk” because I was too tired and it was past 2 a.m., I just walked away from our conversation for the first time. It’s much more challenging when overly talkative individuals is a family member.
The lessons I took from that relationship were (just to name a few): 1) when someone has to work the next day, don’t talk someone’s ears off until 3 a.m. about past, sad stories that aren’t even urgent; and if they mention that they’re tired a few times, let them go rather than brushing them off and making them feel guilty to listen longer; 2) be cognizant that your conversations don’t often end up as a one-sided conversation because you’re a poor listener and 3) be considerate of others during conversations; they, too, would like to feel like what they have to say matters.
After frequent weekends of listening to chronic complaining (mostly about the same solvable problems) for almost two years (with another family relationship) and over two years (with a friend)…I drew the line after a few failed talks to resolve the situations, and released both relationships.
I learned (as a human being)/remembered (as a soul) that unconditional love includes unconditionally accepting what is at the Moment of Now; and if releasing what no longer serves our soul growth/evolution is what is at the moment…then so be it.
I was later grateful to all of them for helping me to learn the most valuable lessons of having self-respect, self- forgiveness (for allowing myself to be in such situations for extended periods of time), self-compassion and unconditional love for myself.
Because, if we can’t fully love ourselves unconditionally, then we can’t expect others to as well.
I also promised myself to only be in healthy long-term relationships that involve a balance of respecting, liking/loving and uplifting one another.
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Oprah Winfrey talks with Thich Nhat Hanh Excerpt – Powerful (<=click on title to watch one of Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday in another window)
