Recorded: May 17th- ____2018
Whenever we hear heartfelt stories about a parent(s) abandoning their child/children, we may often find ourselves feeling sympathy or deep empathy for the one(s) that was abandoned, and feeling very judgmental towards the abandoner, which is completely understandable.
However, what if we had the opportunity to see the bigger picture?
Note: Image on right above found next to the link => The Lityard (thank you)
In an older post (the name escapes me), I shared a heart-wrenching story about my two friends’ mother who suddenly abandoned them when they were around five and six years old.
Over two decades later, I reflected on this theme, and I wondered what really happened prior to my friends’ mother leaving them. I had gut feeling that they hadn’t heard the full story, or even close to it.
I also had a strong feeling that she might of been in an abusive relationship, and couldn’t take another day of living such a life of powerlessness and self-hatred, and it wouldn’t do her children any good to be a witness to a very unhealthy, family environment.
Fortunately for my friends, their father ended up marrying another Korean lady shortly afterwards.
One day, while having a conversation with this very independent, smart, ambitious, and deeply compassionate woman, she shared a short story with me that filled my eyes with tears.
She said that when she first came by the apartment with my friends’ father, she noticed two little girls (around five and six) on the kitchen counter reaching for packages of ramen.
It was that soul-touching moment that her heart felt as though it had dropped, and she decided that day that she would be there for them.
As I shared with a gentlemen further below, the Universe always finds a way to make Life work as needed.
The last I heard from my high school/childhood friends was around 2013, and I was glad to hear that they’re both happy and doing well—they’re stronger, smarter, more loving, and successful (in their own beautiful ways).
While stationed in Hawaii, I reconnected with a former, Army coworker who contacted me out of the blue. I was happy to hear from her since we had some fun times at my first unit, and she was there for my during one of my most challenging phases of life.
So when she asked for a favor, I was more than happy to help her out. She was searching for her biological, Korean, mother who had left her and her little brother when they were children; my friend had vague memories of her mother, and was yearning to find her.
During the weekends, I made it my mission to find her mother, and to make a long story short—since I more than likely shared a more detailed story within this blog (though the name escapes me)—I found her, and they’ve been in a loving relationship since then.
In 2013, my friend shared with me a shocking story that I won’t share here, but it made me further realize that, sometimes (not all the time), when a parent (especially a woman) “abandons” their child or children, there may be a very good reason why; and I have no doubt that it has nothing to do with that parent’s lack or absence of love for their child or children.
The silver lining to this story is that my friend (whom I haven’t seen in a while) is a very strong, loving soul, who would not be who she became had it not been for her “unfortunate” circumstances (blessings in disguise).
Abandonment has been a common theme throughout my life, which ultimately stems from my personal experiences (detailed stories shared within blog) with my:
- biological father suddenly leaving my mother and I when I was six months old
- mother having to leave me with my Korea grandmother from six moths to three years while sporadically visiting (due to her work being far away)
- my adopted father suddenly leaving my mother and I on Thanksgiving Day with my toddler step-sister when I was in ninth grade
If I recall correctly, I learned in the video, “Find Your Subconscious Core Life Commitment – Teal Swan” that the opposite of abandonment is reclamation, the latter being Teal’s core life commitment (she helps humanity and beyond to reclaim their whole selves by first having personally experienced much abandonment and growing from it).
Though I have no doubt that the pair theme of abandonment/reclamation—like two sides of a coin—is one of the major life lessons I’m meant to obtain wisdom from, I don’t feel that it’s my core life commitment; I trust that mine is the pair theme of the deepest fears/profound, unconditional love.
It would seem that the opposite of unconditional love is hatred, but as Teal mentioned in one of her videos, hatred—like other low/dense vibrations like resentment, anger, jealousy, etc.—stems from fear energy.
I’ve experienced more than enough fear in various ways and to varying degrees (to include being hated and hating another), and I’m ready to experience much of the opposite now, to include but not limited to: Inner Peace, Joy, Wisdom, Freedom, Abundance (in various ways), and Unconditional Love.
But before I do, I confess, my biological father has been the most challenging to unconditionally forgive at the deepest level of my being.
Just when I’d think I forgave him, some suppressed feeling would resurface reminding me how disgusted I felt at the mere thought of him (a sign that I hadn’t truly forgiven him).
Update inserted 3/24/2018 (in pink font section only)
The following helpful paragraph is from the reading, “WHAT IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND WHY DO WE DESPERATELY NEED IT?” under the subtitle, “HOW TO EXPERIENCE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE” (from website lonerwolf), and relates to the negative emotion of disgust mentioned right above, which I initially didn’t embrace due to the societal conditioning of how we should feel towards those we forgive:
“1. WHENEVER YOU EXPERIENCE AN EMOTION YOU DISLIKE, EMBRACE IT, DON’T PUSH IT AWAY
We are taught to avoid and suppress “negative” emotions at all costs since childhood. Yet hiding these emotions only causes them to build in the Shadow Self. Practice accepting the way you feel instead of fighting to stop the emotion or artificially forcing yourself to be happy. Honor your emotions for what they are and the messages they bring. […]”
Note: Since it wasn’t mentioned in the reading above, I’d like to share a great reminder. Although it’s great to love others unconditionally—to include accepting them as is—it’s also important to balance that unconditional love for self by being discerning, having self-respect, having healthy boundaries, and letting go of unhealthy relationships—especially habitually manipulative, controlling , and abusive ones that we don’t need to tolerate over and over and over again, especially if another isn’t willing to change their hurtful behavior(s).
During the fall of last year, my half-sister (from my bio father’s first marriage) suddenly contacted me and informed me that our father was in the hospital for his second stroke.
He had been diagnosed with cancer as well in 2012 after his wife passed away of cancer in 2010; my first reunion with my bio father—and the first time meeting his third wife—was in 2008.
I suppose if I truly forgave him, and loved him, I would’ve found a way to visit him (something I would do for any of my loved ones).
However, after I heard from my oldest sister how he treated both of my half-sisters (when they went to visit him from another state), the nurse who was taking care of him, and the staff at his retirement home, I didn’t feel sorry for him.
He’s apparently still the same, extremely selfish, highly insensitive, condescending, rude, narcissistic male (wounded wounder/lost soul) he was since god knows when, and I didn’t care to provide him with more narcissistic supply that’s not beneficial to him; in addition, I had no desire to experience his unpleasant presence AGAIN.
I just realized that the intention of desiring to do what’s beneficial for self and another—despite outer appearances—is indeed unconditional love.
Granted, I did call him, and the phone conversation wasn’t a surprise.
He initially sounded happy to hear from me when he immediately assumed that my husband and I had arrived in California to visit him.
When I told him that we weren’t, and that we wouldn’t be able to visit, he went back to his usual, “I’m not interested in anything you have to say” tone.
So I ended the conversation, wished him well, and decided that would be the last time that I ever made contact with him again.
In addition, I also let go of the need to maintain contact with my oldest half-sister, whom I haven’t trusted for a while due to various reasons—to include how she habitually talked about, talked to and treated her full, younger sister (my older half-sister), and how she attempted to treat me the same way once we got to know each other since 2012 or so.
My oldest, half-sister once told me, “I have a strong personality, but yours is much stronger” after she realized that she wasn’t able to manipulate, control, or intimidate me with her words and tone at times (the way she effortlessly did with her younger sister and probably others). Note: I realized that this experience was a gift from my soul sister, a blessing in disguise that helped me to learn more of who I am by having available to me the Divine gift of contrast/duality/polarity
I explained to her something to the effect that we can be assertive and strong—the ‘I respect you and you respect me’ communication style—but often times, people only associate aggressiveness with strength.
It can be very beneficial to use the tool of aggressiveness—to include being an asshole or a bitch—at the right time, at the right place, at the right person, and for the right reason, but when these tools are misused and abused, then it’s clear that the bully-like person has a lot insecurities that stem from hidden fears.
When I dig deep, and reflect upon why I’m unable to unconditionally accept—let alone embrace or deeply love—certain, unpleasant aspects of others (like my bio father and oldest, half-sister), I’m reminded from within why I’m not able to do so for the same aspects (to varying degrees) within self.
For instance, my bio father, while at his retirement home, apparently sent his meals away often, shouting,”You call this food?!”
I realized that the aspect that gets very angry at mediocre food has been genetically passed down to me. Whenever I eat at a restaurant, and they serve mediocre food, it really sours my mood. Once, I told my husband, “I could’ve ate cheap ramen at home and had a more enjoyable experience.”
Granted, I don’t throw a fit at restaurants because 1) my ego self has been strictly conditioned by society to often do the right thing (which includes not bothering other customers and making an ass out of yourself), 2) it doesn’t make sense to go off on the person who brings you the meal (the middle being), and 3) it’s usually not wise to send a meal back at a restaurant, unless there’s a very good reason; otherwise, you may end up with an extra, natural ingredient in your meal. 😛
So my fearful ego aspect of self (the one that’s been conditioned to be good and right in order to survive in this world) judged my shadow aspect of self (the aspect that can’t stand mediocre meals)—part of the raw, whole shadow self that authentically expresses its true emotions (i.e., disgust, anger, intolerance).
This particular shadow aspect has showed up as my bio father since I had repressed and suppressed this aspect for so long.
It desired to be noticed, recognized, acknowledged, unconditionally accepted, embraced and even deeply loved so that it can be integrated into the whole self.
That’s interesting. Now it makes sense why I had a recent, related experience at a restaurant, which I even wrote a review about.
In a nutshell, one of the waitresses tried to get away with quickly leaving a plate of half-burnt, Korean pancake on our table.
So even though I calmly asked her, “You do realize this is half burnt, right?” she managed to manipulate me with her outward kindness, smiles, and soft voice—which is on me because I had sensed her facade.
Though she had stated that she would ask the cook to remake if it was necessary (key phrase italicized), she was basically implying for me to be understanding.
I agreed to see if it was edible, but later told her that we were only able to eat half since the burnt half was too much (even shared pics with the review).
I then offered a fair solution—for them to only charge us for half—and though she enthusiastically agreed, she didn’t follow through with her words (only took $3 off), which was reflected on their tip and review.
Now, had my bio father been in that scenario, I have a feeling that the deceptive waitress (and even the apathetic waiter) would’ve heard an ear-full; and, he would’ve ensured that they took the entire meal off his bill.
I realize that my bio father may have a tendency to pretty much be, say and do whatever he feels like being, saying, and doing.
In 2013, he told me over the phone that he had chosen Frank Sinatra’s song, “I Did It My Way” for his future funeral; now, whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of him.
In addition, that song fits him perfectly because he apparently doesn’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thinks of him, because he continues to simply be himself.
Granted, he would be completely authentic if he also built the inner-strength and courage to embrace and integrate much more of his so-called “positive”, light, and love-based aspects as well.
However, I’m developing a trust that every soul grows and spiritually evolves at their own pace while on their own, unique paths—an one path isn’t better or more righteous or superior than another, despite what limiting, earthly religions claim.
Now society—to include my ego self and collective ego—may judge my bio father’s way of free being and living with many, negative labels, but why?
Because we, as humans, have been conditioned throughout the ages to fear the so-called “dark”/unknown. We’ve been conditioned to believe that it’s not okay to freely and fully express our true, negative thoughts, emotions, feelings, beliefs, values, words, actions etc. (unless they’ve been stamped with the approved of general society).
However, if we are going to reclaim our whole selves—rather than abandon ourselves and others—we need to unconditionally accept, embrace, and even deeply love ALL aspects of the self (physical self)/Self (Soul/Spirit within), which helps us to fully do so for interconnected Life throughout this Universe and beyond.
Note: Will insert in this section insights of other “negative” aspects (within self and others) at later time
Thanks to the gentleman who shared a comment below (for a Teal video that I watched recently)—which triggered me to reply to him, and also learn from the insight that I shared—I desired to create this post, which led to more insights, which eventually helped me to make peace with my bio dad.
I realize that he, as a free-spirited soul, made a difficult decision in the past—to leaven my mother and I—that’s not for me or anyone else to decide whether it was good or bad, right or wrong, dark or light, etc.
Until we walk, not one or a few, but many miles in another’s shoes, we will never know what it’s like to be in any situation, though it’s way too easy to be quick to judge while only seeing the outer surface.
For the last time, I send him much healing energies from my heart. Though we may never cross paths again, I truly wish for him to experience what I wish for all of my loved ones, to include, but not limited to: Inner Peace, Joy, Wisdom, Freedom, Abundance (in various ways), and Unconditional Love.
Yesterday, while following my inner guidance, I was drawn to watch the video, “Codependency – Awareness of Codependent Patterns – Teal Swan Workshop,” and I’m very grateful that I did.
This multi-faceted, seemingly contradicting video highly stimulated my mind and heart, helping to expand them in unconventional ways.
I left a comment for Teal and Blake (the creators of the video), and a few others, but what surprised me was that 1) I actually had a desire to either quickly skim, scan, skip or fully read through the entire comment section, which I don’t recall ever doing for any video, and 2) the comments I shared with the few others were helpful to me as well, which I trust relates to all of us ultimately being interconnected One.
One comment in particular stood out from the rest due to its wording and hidden, core messages (below), and I had a strong desire to reach out to a soul brother.
I’m so glad that I trusted my intuition, because I helped myself learn, grow, and spiritually evolve as well—expanding my individual and collective consciousness.
The following is the comment left by one of the viewers—the gentleman I mentioned twice above (I left out his name)—and my reply to him right afterwards:
So in the example, Teal needs a video, but Blake wants to go out and do something else. Three options?
1) Blake says screw it and goes out. That’s selfish.
2) Blake stays and does the video. That’s codependent.
3) Blake is honest with Teal about what he wants and they come up with alternate arrangements. That’s healthy.
Nonetheless, if my wife is too sick to take care of the kids and no other family or friends are available to help there are no alternate arrangements. So then taking care of my wife and kids in that case is codependency?? I’m not an a**hole.
____(name): Thank you for sharing the above example with three options. I haven’t finished watching the video yet, so it was a helpful breakdown.
Perhaps I can gift you with a perspective for your own example that may provide some clarity.
So in your example, your sick wife and kids need someone to take care of them and no other family or friends are available to help, and there seems to be no alternate arrangements.
However, here are some:
1) IF you say, “Screw y’all!” and abandon them in a directly hurtful way, because you don’t want anything to do with them, then you will more than likely be considered selfish and an ‘a**hole’ according to general society (ultimately mirroring your own conditioned judgment toward self)—though your Soul/Spirit (aka Source or whatever name that you resonate with) always remains non-judgmental and neutral to all of our choices.
2) If you absolutely have no desire to have a relationship with them—and the idea of spending another day with them eats at your core—then you need to be brutally honest with yourself, as well as unconditionally love yourself, and leave, while trusting the Spirit within ALL of Life (All That Is) to take of their needs (since ultimately, no one and no thing is a victim). Because when we’re unable to unconditionally love ourselves (i.e., saying yes when we mean no), then we won’t be able to FULLY love others.
By the way, had you not shared your comment, I would not have come to this profound realization. Ya see, my bio father had suddenly “abandoned” my mother and I when I was six months old. On the outer surface, it can easily appear as a heartless and unforgivable act according to human perspective. However, after my brief reunion with him in my mid-thirties, I realized that it was a blessing in disguise that we weren’t in each others’ lives. In addition, I trust that the Universe always finds a way to make Life work despite outer appearances.
3) If you take care of them out of sheer obligation, though you’d much rather be doing other things, THEN you would be codependent. In addition, resentment can be birthed from such a state.
4) If you desire to at least take care of them for the time being—despite not truly wanting to—then you can trust that the Universe within will grant your heart’s desires in Divine perfect timing and order. Meanwhile, you can take care of them to the best of your ability, and when an opportunity presents itself (e.g., a seemingly miraculous and sudden recovery of your wife’s illness, abundance of money that allows you to hire a caregiver, a new friend who could lend a hand, etc.), you grab it with much gratitude and deep appreciation. ^_^
5) If you choose to take care of them because you genuinely love them from the depths of your heart—AND it brings you peace and joy to know they are well and loved—then that’s profound, UNCONDITIONAL/True Love for the self and interconnected others.
I wish for you to realize what’s best for your Multidimensional self/Self.
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