Note: The following is an update to the post, “Goodbye Old Belief in a Compassionate God/Higher Self/Goddess/Source/The Nameless,” and will be used an a brief intro to this post:
7/20/2018: According to today’s “negative” happening, it can easily be perceived—from the limited, human mind perspective—as though I’m being punished from a higher power because of what I had expressed within this post yesterday.
However, I have no doubt that neutral Soul/Spirit within—aka I (God) AM (Goddess) Presence/ultimately Prime Creator/Creator of All Creation: Crop Circle 6666/Source/Holy Spirit/the Divine Mother Goddess—doesn’t judge or condemn me for my authentic expressions during an extremely low energy state.
I could easily delete the post/link mentioned above, but I choose to leave it as is since I would still love to fully trust (deep within) in Divine Wisdom (which is remembering the Divine perfection of all of Life/All That Is [despite outer appearances); integrated with Divine Love (Unconditional/True Love for self/others) and Divine Power (power that’s not misused or abused).
I was relieved from Therapy on the Rocks near closing time this afternoon. From a limited, physical mind perspective, it was hurtful injustice due to a lie that was told by a so-called “enemy” (coworker) who never gave me a chance since I started working there; in addition I had the eeriest experience I ever had right before closing. However, from an expanded perspective, it was a blessing in disguise, another layer of onion that didn’t make me happy, and needed to be released. Helpful video added 8/7/18 => “The Rat Cage (And How to Get Out of It) -Teal Swan –“
Shortly before closing Therapy on the Rocks, my manager N approached me while I was folding pillow cases in one of the therapy rooms. She stated that C (the receptionist) had informed her that I was still upset with one of the therapists. I basically told my manager that I don’t like it when people (i.e., C) extract pieces of information from a story and twist it into something very negative, and that I was willing to talk with the three of us together.
But like another time, N sided with C, and understandably so since she desperately needs her. Though N’s been working there for 15 years, and C’s only been working there a couple of years, I noticed for several afternoons that the manager (N) comes to work and asks the receptionist (C) what she needs to do for that day (which initially baffled me).
The other day, the manager N wanted the receptionist C to do a task, and C turned to her and suggested that N do it instead; and N did it like an obedient servant. I started getting the feeling that C believed she was irreplaceable; hence, she could get away with subtly disrespecting N and pretty much doing whatever she wanted to do.
Once, after a patient used a robe for two weeks, N asked C if she should take it home and wash it (which seemed like a given; after all, wouldn’t we all want a fresh robe if we went to a healing place?); and C turned to N and said in a motherly tone that she really should. It became crystal clear after a while who was the actual boss.
I’ve learned in the past that just because one holds a certain title, doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re a good fit for that position.
N seemed more like a follower than a leader, and though C had some leadership skills (in admin and management), she lacked the key ingredient of professionalism—becoming annoyed at times with people on the phone, often gossiping, texting while on the job, talking bad about and/or ridiculing potential customers and others behind their backs (the way she was laughing her ass off for a while after she got off the phone with their account, who had informed C about her blisters all over her body).
I asked C at that moment, “Why does it seem like you’re enjoying it so much?” (only because she had been talking bad about the accountant prior to that phone conversation). And C just replied that she thought it was funny because the accountant had unbelievable back to back negative things happen to her.
Upon witnessing the accountant’s big blisters (that she said were hard), and hearing her stories about her suffering from them—to include them hurting so much that she had a hard time lying in bed—I realized that it definitely wasn’t a laughing matter.
But when we’ve never had such an experience, it can be difficult for some of us to sympathize (using logical mind only) with others, let alone deeply empathize (using integrated Mind/Heart) with them.
I suggested to the accountant that perhaps soaking her swollen feet and ankles (right below the blisters) into a foot massage tub filled with water (since water is very healing), organic lavender salt (which she already had at home), and a few drops of essential oils (like patchouli related to the root chakra which helps with grounding since her legs had blisters) might help; she thought it was a good idea.
However, when she shared that it’s all over her body, I stated that since I’m not a doctor, she should look into it first before using that method. She shared with the three of us (N, C, and I) that none of the medial professionals she talked to so far knew what the blisters were; hence, she’s getting blood work done. I wish her to be well.
I had never told N what C had complained about her the official first day of work while N wasn’t there. However, since N basically implied for the second time that it must be me taking it all wrong since C doesn’t get angry because she’s always smiling and giggling, I felt it was time to reveal the truth.
In addition, N said that both her and C were concerned that I would have other issues in the future since I seemed to be getting my feelings hurt easily and holding onto grudges.
So I asked her why is it that they (N and C) can often vent about potential customers, especially after getting off the phone with them, and even complaining about a few who stop by or are currently in treatment (and I hear them out), but yet, when I share one story of several observations of one particular patient (and not even a complaint), I’m the one who’s too sensitive and takes things too personally.
All I shared about the one patient was that I noticed throughout the week that I would say a cheerful greeting to her—“Good morning ____!” or “Hello ____”—and she would give me a quick, half smile with brief squinted eyes (micro-expression of contempt) as she walked by me; but yet, she would immediately greet C or N afterwards in a very friendly and even jokey manner.
I added that I hoped I didn’t say or do something to offend her, though we hardly interacted due to me being in training.
I also mentioned that I understood that patients can be going through a lot while at the therapy clinic; however, that it did seem strange that she would quickly switch from an unhappy facial expression and tone with me, to a very happy one with others. I told N that the perception of discrimination never feels good, and she said that I shouldn’t take things personally.
In addition, I asked N if she wanted the truth when it comes to true thoughts and feelings? She said yes, so I basically informed her that here they (N and C) are telling me I have issues with negative emotions towards C and D, but, yet, C can complain to me last week that N makes her do most of the work; in addition, C also mentioned recently that she gets the short end of the stick around there.
But that’s not C suppressing anger the past two years and masking it with many (not all) fake smiles and giggles (i.e., a facade)? C mentioned that twice, she had an opportunity to attend a class and a course, but both times, she was pulled out of them because N suddenly became sick.
One evening, when it was just me and N closing, she briefly talked about C not being able to have a free treatment until a year after she started working (which usually happens soon after one starts working there), and N said, “I don’t know what happened”with a smirk on her face (though she’s the manager of essentially two employees); I strongly sensed that both N and C were playing the passive-aggressive game towards each other, something I wasn’t looking forward to participate in.
As I mentioned above, N stated that C (the receptionist) had informed her that I was still upset with one of the therapists.
However, the conversation I had with C earlier this morning had nothing to do with me being upset with D (the therapist), but trying to find out what’s the best approach for each therapist when it comes to informing them about their group classes since it became apparent that it’s not the same each time (as I was trained).
Yesterday, N told me that my main mission at the moment was to ensure all the group therapy patients were in the room, and then to inform the therapist close to the class time. It was almost time for the class, but only one patient was in the room; so I thought I’d give D a heads up so that she wouldn’t have to go in the class yet.
Several minutes later when I checked the room again, all the patients were present, so I informed D that they were all in; she snapped at me, which happens, but it’s what happened later that things got a little heated up. After the group session was done, I apologized to D, and let her know I was just trying to help her out since I was informed that we’re supposed to let the therapists know.
D said in an aggressive tone, and in front of my manager N, that she doesn’t need me to inform her of every patient that walks into the room. Since that was an exaggeration (that my manager may believe to be true), I clarified by stating that I only informed her twice (and basically not six times according to her).
D then stated that often times, all the patients don’t make it to the room until five after the hour, and I replied that I wasn’t aware of that. Though I had followed my manager’s instructions from that day, and last week, on what to do in these situations, N just stood there and said nothing.
To be honest, I was disappointed in N, because I had an initial great impression of her, and even told her that she was a great teacher since she trained in such a patient, respectful, and understanding way (unlike C who was often snotty and/or patronizing when it came to sharing information related to office duties).
But I could understand if N was afraid to stand up for me since D is an asset to them as well, and a newbie like me isn’t (though N said the other day that they never had an employee like me who went above and beyond, and even takes initiative).
D (the therapist) then said with attitude that she’ll ask me if she wants to know if the patients are in, and I agreed. I had asked my manager N how I could best meet all the therapists’ preferences, but since she didn’t seem 100% sure, I asked C this morning; that way, I’m not pissing off another therapist.
A part of me couldn’t believe C would go to that length to get rid of me, but as I put the puzzle pieces together, it all made sense. Since I started working there, there were some red flags with C—to include her being passive-aggressive during training (when it was just me and her) and talking shit about three people from the office (to include the manager N), and then being buddy buddy smiley and giggly to their faces—but I did my best to make it work because C had shared some brief, personal issues that she was going through for a few years.
One day, after finishing watering the garden and other outside tasks, I came inside and asked if there was anything I could help her (C) with. She stood up and raised her voice and said (while using her hand gestures), “Don’t worry about any of this! [referring to the desk area] Your main job is out there and upstairs changing linen” [pointing to those areas]. My job title was, “Office Clinic Assistant” that include admin duties as well, but I didn’t bother bringing it up. I told her, “Ok,” and did my best to stay away from the desk area as much as possible.
However, both N (the manager) and R—Director/PT (Physical Therapist) who seemed professional, personable, very confident, and wise—wanted me to gradually learn the office section of the job, and I could tell that C wasn’t happy about it.
So in order to somehow alleviate any worries of me possibly being a threat to her job (the only thing that she apparently has going for her), I told her last week that she was very organized and doing a great job, and she seems to have a system that works well (which I meant); and that I was there to support her with whatever needed to get done.
However, being and doing my best wasn’t enough. Last week, a couple of day after C clearly stated that my main job was outside and upstairs, she informed me that with a not so happy expression that she was going to show me how they file things, and that it would become part of my job.
She then instructed for me to only observe and not worry so much by asking questions (something she said often when I would simply ask a question on how to do something so that I would be aware of the details). She explained how to file different forms at a rapid pace, and I had this not-so-good feeling; so I asked if she was sure I didn’t need to take any notes, and she replied that I didn’t. When she was done, she gave the quick, half-ass smile and said, “It’s very easy!” (followed by her usual giggles).
However, the next day—while N was in the PT office next to the main receptionist area—C dropped a folder onto one of the counters and said with a pissy tone, “Do it” as she stood there with her arms crossed and looking annoyed. I reminded her that because she was filing very fast, I didn’t get to see where she placed the forms inbetween other forms; hence I wanted to take notes. I strongly sensed she had set me up for failure.
It made me mad that she was basically being a conniving bitch. I called her out by saying that I didn’t appreciate her doing that—which I explained to N in detail—especially after she told me to only observe and not to worry about it. It was what she did and how she did it.
C played dumb, and said she didn’t know what I was talking about (aka gaslighting that I learned from the Spiritual Catalyst Teal Swan, who generously shares profound teachings that I mostly resonate with). N came out of the office and we all had a talk. N sided with C stating that I must have misunderstood since her and C don’t get angry since all the employees there are like a happy family. I reminded them that everyone gets angry at times, and that’s perfectly okay since it’s being authentic; it’s just that some people are better at suppressing it with smiles, giggles, and laughter.
C vented to me during my first week of training that my energy is too intense and that I over analyze everything. I told her that sounds like an exaggeration, and she softly agreed. I then shared with them that I do embrace those aspects of me, but that I realize there’s a time and place for them (i.e., in the Army and as a former analyst).
I also mentioned that I was willing to tone it down if me being those ways were making them uncomfortable. I could’ve easily listed all of my “negative” observations about C and N (who behaved similarly to C at times), but I refrained since that would add more hurt to their buried inner-wounds that they denied. Note: This story with deeper insights shared within a comment for a video with a related theme, published later, “Aspect of Self & Others that Analyzes (Over, Under, and Integrated with Heart).”
Another day during my first week, while C went to a 15 min meeting, I was at the reception area by myself. Because I had only been introduced to one of the many forms once, I had a brainfart that it was on the counter. I looked everywhere else for it, and when C came out of the meeting and pointed it to me, the delay caused one of the patients to fill it out later, which in turn made her a couple of minutes late into her room.
When one of the therapists asked the status of the patient (in room or not), C shouted, “I was in a meeting! If I had been here, she [the patient] would’ve already been in the room!” [followed by giggles].
There were other red flag moments, but I did my best to see the bigger picture—that ultimately, C did these shady and even unkind things because of her fears (i.e., perhaps fear of possibly losing her job, fear of not being the go-to person, and the fear of not being able to be in control there, since she might as well be the manager instead of N).
So every time she pulled one of her stunts, she would initially make me mad, but I would forgave her later that day; but then she’d do it again, and again, and again.
This past week, she shared a story with N and I about her son being taken advantage of where he works. I reminded her how important it was for us all to have healthy boundaries and to be assertive when needed, and she agreed; the message was for her as well since she stated that she always got the short end of the stick while working at Therapy on the Rocks.
C had her son’s necktie in her hand that looked very raggedy, and with the back strip dangling down from being ripped. She mentioned that he has to dress a certain way and wear ties.
I told her that my husband had some nice ties that’s been sitting in the closet for a long time (since he doesn’t like wearing them), and that maybe we could give some to her son. Even N agreed to do the same.
I shared C’s story to my husband, and he agreed that her almost adult son sounds like a good kid. To my great surprise, my husband picked out seven ties to give away, so I gave them to C the day after she shared her story. She hugged and thanked me, and I told her that my husband had hardly worn them so they’re basically brand new and of great quality.
That was the closest I experienced bonding with C, and it felt really nice. So I was surprised that even after our peaceful talk this morning, she told N a lie; the other day C stated that she doesn’t know why people lie in a disgusted tone just because a customer called to cancel her appointment because she was lost while hiking. I’ve been lost before, so it can happen, but I didn’t bother saying anything because C sometimes vented with disgust all that she found wrong and bad.
Example quotes from C:
- “All men in Arizona are creeps” (which ultimately stems from being hurt in the past; a pattern of exaggeration)
- “I don’t know why people don’t have morals” (seemingly unaware that her habitual intentions, behavior, words, and actions weren’t exactly acceptable, righteous, good, and/or loving according to general society)
- UPDATE inserted on 12/29/2018 (in this yellow font section only):This update is for several of the Sedona post series (shared in About page): Post, “Embracing and Integrating Aspect of Shadow Self That’s Unaware of Its Own Projections“
One day, while C was sitting in the break room, C said with disgust that she couldn’t stand the sound of crickets. At that moment, I felt grateful for the contrast/duality/polarity showing up in my life in this way, because it reminded me of how much I enjoy and deeply appreciate seeing or hearing crickets (and other animals and non-animals) because it reminds me of certain messages from cricket spirit guide.
No matter how much I did my best to Be and do there (i.e., Be in alignment with Soul/Spirit within, even while doing things), the repeating theme seemed to be, “Damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.” From a limited, human mind perspective, it’s been like a no-win series of situations.
I have no doubt now that C was determined to either drive me away, or have me fired. I’ve witnessed her and the therapist D whisper in the PT office a couple of times, but didn’t pay much attention to it, though I had a hunch that something fishy was going on.
It then occurred to me today that C and D work Saturdays together (just the two of them), so if C complained to D about me during those times, it makes sense why D was snotty towards me, though I barely interacted with her. C mentioned several times within two weeks that she has no friends, and hasn’t had any for a while; but I started wondering if she kept repeating that story in order to have others pity her, when in fact, she does have friends.
I realized today that her and D are more than likely friends. In addition, C slipped the other day when she said that she was texting her friend, and she quickly changed the subject. She’s on her phone at times during the work day (besides lunch), but apparently C can get away with that. N told me the first week of work that she hoped I didn’t think she was texting in the middle of work since that would be unprofessional; but yet, C can do it.
Speaking of being unprofessional, C was talking shit about their female accountant to the guy who came to fix the copy machine. I could tell he was doing his best to be professional by cutting C off twice and changing the subject, but she kept going on and on and on about a message that the accountant left for Therapy on the Rocks and how much she complained, and how she threatened them that she was going to quit, etc.
But yet, the accountant came back to work today—in a while since she had some personal issues to take care of—and C was all buddy buddy to her with her usual giggles and laughs (that starting getting old quick, like during the first week, though it started out cute).
C was like (in her usually high-pitched, sweet voice), “______what kind of pizza would you like?” and all this other BULLshit. I couldn’t believe C was habitually two-faced, and at that point, I had no doubt that she was like that with me as well. But yet, according to C and the manager N’s implications, I’m the problem with personal issues that I need to look into because I express my inner-truths and feelings (with tact).
N also stated that their accountant is “not like us” (us referring to the three of us standing there, and I assume the rest of the staff members from Therapy on the Rocks). N’s phrase “not like us” informed me that she was in a state of separation consciousness (i.e., us vs them mentality, which many within humanity are stuck in; and for those of us who are working towards becoming more aware (expanding toward unity consciousness), we, too, can easily slip back into this fear-based state at times.
When I asked N why she stated that the accountant is “not like us,” she replied that it was because the accountant’s from New York and she’s basically not very nice.
C used to be a cheerleader in high school, and N tried out but didn’t make it; ever since I heard those stories, combined with N’s (paraphrased) statement, “the accountant is not like us because she’s from New York and not very nice,” I had a, “things that make you go hmmm” moment.
I wondered if both N and C were the stereotypical, blond, “OH my gOD!” talkin’, bubbly, all American girl next door, drawn to cheerleading type of females.
And if so, then I definitely didn’t fit into their “like us” box as well. Granted, I’ve been jokingly told by a couple of others in the past of my Asian blond moments, but that’s due to my occasional brain farts and apparent sexual innuendos (i.e., I would simply say something, but then later be informed that my expression was very sexual).
For instance, while stationed at my first unit in the Army, I noticed a couple of my soldiers making little dots with the paint brush when they were supposed to be painting a large area.
I went over to them and sarcastically asked if they were trying to pull a Seurat or do pointillism—I figured they’d know what I was talking about since practically all the Military Intelligence soldiers within my AIT and first unit seemed much smarter than me (especially with the military entrance test scores).
I then told one of them to give me a brush, and I demonstrated the quicker and more effective way to paint the area while saying, “You need to stroke up and down, up and down, okay?”
Later that day, the two soldiers had shared this story to other soldiers within our company, but in a smartass way.
They apparently had smirks on their faces while I was demonstrating, and then busted out laughing when I left.
I had no clue that what I was saying at that moment had a sexual innuendo; but after hearing about it from others (who were also laughing their asses off as they were sharing the other version), I understood where they were coming from, and very briefly felt embarrassed.
ANYWAY…going back to the previous story:
When I first met the accountant on Friday (7/20th)—the one that N and C didn’t like—she seemed pretty nice as I was listening to her story.
She was bit by some unknown insect (she thinks) in New York which led to nickel-sized, rock hard, yellow fluid filled blisters throughout her entire body, except her face (perhaps related to imbalanced sacral, throat, and crown chakras); I had never seen anything like that before.
N said that she heard from her husband that weeds in New York were causing skin issues, so her and C did some brief research later.
They found an online photo—that a woman from another state shared, who visited NY—that looked exactly like the accountant’s big blisters.
Finding out that the cause of the unusual blisters may have started in New York reminded me of my recent trip there in April (a summary of the trip shared in post, “A Treasure Chest of Experiences from The Mirror Workshop Trip in NYC“); and the word weeds reminded me of an old post I created a while back titled, “The Beauty of the So-called Unbeautiful.“
While I was folding linen later that afternoon, I briefly heard the accountant’s voice as she was walking out the front door of the building.
N rushed up the stairs and followed her outside and didn’t return for about 15 minutes or so. I had a strange feeling that N was receiving feedback from the accountant about her observations of me on my first day; and sure enough, when N approached me when she returned, that’s when she stated that C said that I was still upset with D (the PT) and that they (perhaps all three of them) were concerned about my future working with them.
I was aware of the accountant’s presence in the PT office next to the receptionist desk area that C and I were sitting at while having our conversation.
So there was nothing to hide when it came to what I had expressed to C. Once again, it seemed as though C and I had a heart-to-heart conversation—where we understood each other and were going to essentially be a team—but I was wrong; as soon as C had the opportunity (while I wasn’t present), she complained to N about me while twisting the truth.
I also noticed within the two weeks I worked there that both C and N were often very friendly to people over the phone, but as soon as they hung up, they would do a 180 and either complain about them (mostly C), roll their eyes, and/or ridicule the potential customers. I wouldn’t want to be on the other end of those phone conversations; sometimes, both C and N sounded annoyed and patronized people as well.
Their kindness didn’t seem sincere, and their behavior and words were immature, but I did my best to see the bigger picture, and wondered if they were just tired of doing their jobs. Since I haven’t worked there between 2 and 15 years, I can only imagine; plus N’s going through her own stresses due her volunteering herself for this and that during non-work days and hours.
One evening, when we didn’t do closing fast enough (during my first week), N told me later that she was supposed to help out at _______that she had volunteered for. I apologized that she wasn’t able to make it because of me, and she stated that she needed a break from _____ anyway, and that she’d much rather be spending time with me.
I wondered if N was volunteering much because it actually made her happy, because she felt some obligation toward it, and/or because she believed it made her a good and righteous person (to herself and others).
At my last job at Crystal Gratitude, one of the managers often complained that so many people in her life needed her help, and she believed that God had placed her on this planet to help them. She was stressed out on a daily basis, drinking lots of coffee, smoking, and sometimes going off on one of the employees (to include myself) for either minor things or misunderstandings.
From my perspective, she was spreading herself out too thin, which I shared with her in a gentle, loving way. I had no doubt that she was stuck in rescue mode, but I also realized that I wasn’t meant to change her. I learned from that particular situation to do my best to fully let go of rescue mode, but I’m not sure yet if I fully did; I intent to do so. Other related stories in post, ” The Unexpected Encounters with Wounded Wounders in Sedona.”
In addition, the former manager mentioned right above once shouted to me, “That’s all your stuff!” when I was asking her why she went off on me when I was trying to explain to her the computer (not human) error that was creating receipts that didn’t match (which another employee was a witness to); she admitted later that her anger was due to her not knowing.
Also, the most recent former manager (N) and the receptionist (C) basically implied that I’m the problem. I’ve made it a habit to reflect daily, so I have no problem acknowledging how I can better Be, live, and do to highly benefit Multidimensional self (physical self)/Self (Soul/Spirit within) and interconnected Life within this world and beyond/All That is.
Tomorrow, I will reflect on these once unknown/shadow aspects of self/Self, and how to best integrate them, since it’s almost midnight and I’m starting to feel tired. I will continue recording within this post.
But before I go, I’d like to share that another therapist (K) who was leaving Therapy on the Rocks today (due to a move), was the rays of sunlight piercing through the dark clouds.
After the manager N and I agreed that it would be best that I leave (after she spoke to the Director)—though she did state that she would like to work things out, contradicting with her implications that it might be hopeless to work together due to my issues—the therapist, K, stopped by the room where I was folding the linen.
She (K) could tell that I was sad, and she closed the door behind her. I told her that I felt awkward closing the door, and she reassured me not to be concerned about it.
In a nutshell, she asked me to share with her what’s going on, so I told her a gist; she then informed me that C has been a problem within the company for a while, which helped me to experience some relief (that C’s fear-based: tone, verbal expressions, nonverbal cues, and actions weren’t all in my head).
K also shared with me profound wisdom in a very gentle, soft, and loving way, to include the themes about duality, individual soul growth at different paces, past life patterns, and deep healing. The look in her fully present, soulful eyes was deeply heartfelt.
K invited me to see the opportunities that lie ahead (the life lessons that could be learned), but she also reminded me that it was ultimately my choice. I told her that I would change my mind, but that I didn’t know if N would have a change of heart.
K asked me if it was okay if she talked to N, and I agreed. However, after expressing my deepest gratitude to her, giving her a bear hug, and wishing her well, we had a surprise when I opened the door. N rushed over and said with a somewhat shaken, anxious voice and teary eyes, “I’m sorry, but we need to let you go.” I gently replied that it okay, and I thanked her for even hiring me.
For some reason, I felt very calm at that moment. Shortly afterwards, when I went downstairs, I noticed that K was in the PT office talking to R (the Director). A part of me was hoping that she could be a voice of truth for me just in case N didn’t tell R the important details of why I was leaving.
I no longer trusted N because she, like C, was very nice to people, unless they were leaving (i.e., conditional kindness). When K showed up for her last day of work, C asked her when her last day was, and then N added that she wasn’t sure either.
That’s BULLshit because they both do the schedule books that they look at multiple times throughout the day; plus, N is supposed to be the manager (once again). C then said to K in a whiny tone, “I was going to get you a card, but I forgot,” to which K replied that it was okay.
That was BULLshit too. When their accountant was going to quit, both N and C talked shit about her; but yet, when the accountant changed her mind, both N and C became buddy buddy with her; it was sad to witness.
After K went to her scheduled room, N and C were saying shit like, “Do we even have anything planned for her going away?” “Should we get R to make her a cake?” and “Should we get her a card?” And I was like, “Y’all are killin‘ me. I’ll make her a card.”
And I did because I wanted to. N shared with me my first week that K was a great employee who even helped break their company record in 25 years due to customers liking her and K bringing in more people.
So when I first met magnetic, funny, and warm K, I let her know that I heard great things about her. So I initially wondered why a coworker, and especially a manager, wouldn’t desire to show their appreciation for a great employee; why was it like an obligation at the very last minute?
Because they all didn’t give a damn since K was no longer benefiting their lives. N briefly complained today that K texted R yesterday afternoon and said that she couldn’t make it to her own pizza luncheon today (at the office where R decided the last minute to order several boxes of pizza).
Even C made her little snotty, sarcastic comment, and I told them that K probably had plans already since they informed her the last minute.
During K’s luncheon, the Director basically stated in front of all the staff working that day, that he thought K’s reason for leaving the company—to be near a family member to help take care of her—was full of it because K’s family member was about five hours away.
D (the snotty therapist) then added that K’s family member lives even further than five hours since D knows that area.
I wasn’t surprised that D made her little comment—that she wouldn’t have dared said in front of K—but I was a bit disappointed that the Director made his comment, because I had an overall, good impression of him.
I have no doubt that at least N, C, and D will talk shit about me the way they did all the other former employees who quit shortly after working there. I overheard several times N and C telling others on the phone that so and so quit because “she couldn’t handle it,” “she freaked out,” and “she had issues” (more red flags that I recognized, but felt I couldn’t do anything about).
Toward the end of closing today, and in front of D (the therapist), N said in an excited tone and big smile on her face, “Guess what? Today’s Barbara’s last day!” And D replied in an excited tone and big smile on her face, “That’s great!” I told her that I hope no hard feelings from yesterday, and D said with a crazy-ass, exaggerated smile on her face, “Ohhh, there was never any hard feelings!”
It was the eeriest moment I’ve ever experienced because it was so unnatural to respond that way to someone who was basically getting relieved from their job. The vibe and adjective that popped into my mind was psychotic; who does that??
It seemed as though I had briefly stepped into The Twilight Zone. I wondered if that was their twisted way of being indirectly mean. Well, despite outer appearances, at least N, C, and D are very happy now that I’m no longer working there, and strangely, I embrace that.
Like I told N today, if I’m more of a burden to my coworkers at Therapy on the Rocks, then it’s best that I remove myself for everyone’s benefit.
Plus, I, too, feel as though a huge load has been taken off my back, though I’m uncertain and a it afraid how my life will now play out from here (which feels like rock bottom). I suppose I’ll simply take it day by day and Be and do whatever I feel like Being and doing. Granted, I think I’d rather transform into another energy state (die) then experience another heavy drama-filled, “9 to 5” job. We’ll see.
The weekend after my first week working there, I slept a lot, and even cried an uncontrollable, deep cry for what felt like 30 minutes (the way I did during childhood while alone in my room). I allowed myself to simply Be without judgment. I strongly sensed that my inner-child was not happy, and I imagined comforting her; but I didn’t know what else to do (I felt powerless).
There was a part of me that reminded me to follow my path of excitement (taught by some spiritual teachers)—by following the breadcrumbs of joy, even to the smallest degree—which I highly resonate with; however, due to our current financial situation and too much pressure and stress on my husband (a realtor), I felt as though I had no other options. I’ve been doing my best not to talk “poverty” talk, but the above statement is true.
I’ve been working on transforming from poverty consciousness to Prosperity Consciousness on a daily basis for a while—doing my best to unconditionally accept, embrace, and even deeply love more and more aspects of self/Self, recognizing and being grateful for all the abundance that I already have in my life (both tangible and intangible), deeply appreciating the seeming small things in Life (like noticing visits from Mother Nature as animal spirit guides), mostly shopping for organic foods and products, eating healthier foods, drinking lots of purified water, mediating, using color sound and aroma therapy, being fully present with others, sharing other forms of Light and Unconditional Love, singing, often incorporating humor into Life, every now and then toning after prayers for self/interconnected humanity and beyond (most recently outside of Therapy on the Rocks while I’m alone and waiting for my husband to pick me up from work since he’s about 7 minutes away).
I wondered why my so-called Higher Self (aka Soul/Spirit, I AM Presence, God/Goddess Self within/Universe within ) was sending me various forms of abundance on a daily basis—mostly intangible like insights, ideas, Divine synchronicity (to include number synchronicity), etc.—but wasn’t willing to help me out financially without me having to get a 3D, “9 to 5” job that’s becoming outdated in this transitioning world.
I suppose there could be various factors (e.g., not being in alignment, not open to receive, not believing enough, having energy blockages, etc.), but trying to fix myself without knowing the specifics makes it overwhelming.
Plus, the act of fixing oneself sends the internal message that something’s wrong with me where I’m at in the present moment of NOW; and I’ve been working on trusting that Spirit within sees all of its creations as Divine perfection, though from our limited, human perspective, we may judge ourselves as less than.
I was even willing to do open-mic stand-up comedy—since I’ve done it four times in three different locations and enjoyed it—but it’s very challenging to go onstage and make jokes (from a joyful state) when financial issues is like a neon sign in the back of your mind.
Yesterday, I lost faith unlike ever before, and today was a rainbow spectrum of thoughts and emotions. I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to cross paths with some genuinely kind people, like practically all the patients (especially J mentioned in previous post), Tisha (a PT with a very gentle, peaceful, loving vibe and great sense of humor), Ed (the go-to maintenance man who was very helpful and kind the one day I met him), and even Reuben (the linen guy who’s very friendly).
I looked forward to meeting John F. Barnes, the founder of Myofacial Release, since I had read, and even studied, some of his readings and watched several YouTube videos the evening of the first two days of work.
He seemed very calm and deeply wise, and his childhood story about nature moved me. Even K (the profoundly wise and loving PT who left today) spoke highly of John, and recommended that I read his book, Healing Ancient Wounds.
When I first walked into Therapy on the Rocks for my interview, I noticed the title of his book hanging on the wall, and I instantly became excited about the title, which I trust was a message that it highly resonated with me at the time. But I suppose it just wasn’t meant to be.
Granted, the way the manager, Director, receptionist, and a elderly man patient talked about John, it seemed as though they were implying that he’s a narcissist in the nicest way possible.
The Director said during my interview that when John’s not around—since he’s only at the Sedona location during certain times throughout the year—the world revolves around the patients; but when John is around, the world revolves around him.
The manager stated that when John is in the break room, no one else is allowed in there. In addition, she makes him lunch during certain days of the week though he has a female partner, which seemed a bit strange.
The receptionist said that we can give potential patients information from a packet of papers (in the upper cabinet) when John’s not around, but when he is around, we absolutely need to inform potential patients to refer to the company’s website.
I later found out that this decision came from the Director, but I wondered how John would feel about that—basically his trusted staff, especially his “second in charge” and the manager, going against his demands (not wishes) behind his back; these were additional red flags.
An elderly man patient stated to me, after I brought a cup of water to him, that he was glad that John wasn’t there, because whenever he is, it gets very cold in the clinic because John insists on keeping the place at a certain, low temperature.
I was already aware of this piece of information because both N and C had informed me with details.
C said that one winter, it was so cold in the clinic—due to John being there—that she wasn’t able to type on the keyboard because her fingers were numb. Plus, she had to wear a hoodie, plus a thick coat, inside throughout the entire cold season.
Now I can understand that people with more body fat need to have the indoor temperature lower than average weight people, but it seemed a bit extreme that others (especially staff and patients) had to suffer from the uncomfortable indoor environment of the clinic.
I started getting the feeling that perhaps John did have some narcissistic tendencies, though he didn’t seem that way in a handful of short, YouTube videos that I voluntarily watched of him.
I look forward to receiving intensive, myofacial release treatments as soon as I tune into monetary abundance, but that will be elsewhere now since it will more than likely be awkward for me to even go there.
I feel better after freely expressing myself. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but I suppose this will be a golden opportunity to do my best to fully trust in the UNKNOWN—terrifying and hopeless from a limited, human mind perspective, and exciting from an expanded, Multidimensional perspective.
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Continuation posts:
- “Tired of Making the No Longer Sweet, but only Sour, Lemonade from Life’s Barrage of Lemons?“
- “Identifying and Changing Self-Limiting, Core Beliefs“
- Update post with insights, “Finding the Good in Shadow Aspects that I Disapprove of in Self/Others”
- Note: The title of this post was inspired by the helpful video, “How To Overcome Shame -Teal Swan-” that includes the questions, “How is this thing I disapprove of good?” and “How is this thing I disapprove of, about them, good?” which is about the integration of shadow aspects within us.
Helpful videos related to this post:
- “Disappointment (How to Get Over Disappointment) – Teal Swan“
- “Morality vs. Conscience – Teal Swan –“
- “I Can’t Trust The Universe (I Feel Like God is Against Me) – Teal Swan-“
- “How To Be Authentic – Teal Swan –“
- The following is a comment I shared for this video: I’m very grateful that I had the golden opportunity to witness you Be authentic at your Mirror event in NYC—freely, fully, and unapologetically expressing much of your whole, rainbow spectrum of Multidimensional self (physical self)/Self (Source: Soul/Spirit within). Though there were a few moments where I found myself judging you, I later realized that it was too easy for you to only Be what general society considers right and good. Thank you Teal for all that you amazingly are, and all that you generously share with humanity and beyond.
- Added 10/1/2018: The following is a comment I shared for the video, “The Law Of Attraction Explained – (& No B/S Ways To Apply It)“:
- FINALLY, crystal clear clarification that’s music to my ears!! ^_^ Victor, THANK YOU SO MUCH for this very helpful video that took a heavy load off. You are awesome when it comes to merging the physical and spiritual worlds; it’s the modern shaman aspect of your Multidimensional self (earthly and otherworldly physical selves)/Self (Source: Soul/Spirit within), which matches what your beautiful soulmate wife highly resonates with (mentioned in another one of your videos).
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