UPDATE (only font in italics and yellow-green right below):

While writing this post, I had a major brain-fart—lost in 3D illusions of this physical world, and allowing outer circumstances to negatively affect my thoughts, emotions, words and actions.

However, I later realized that it’s time to fully release victim mentality. I trust that the expressions of this post that don’t stem from loving energies were remnants of those lower energies that had to resurface again in order to be looked at one last time, transmuted and healed. It is my intention to unconditionally forgive, accept and love all aspects of self at the deepest level of my being.

My parents—biological Korean mother and adoptive Caucasian father—informed me of the existence of my biological, Japanese-American father in the summer before ninth grade in the late eighties.

Ever since then, my mother informed me that I may end up having cancer one day since she heard that my bio dad ended up with cancer, and that it may be genetically passed down. 

Looking back, I realized such disinformation—since it turned out to be false (at least initially)—more than likely created a strong belief that I would one day have cancer.

Well, so far, I haven’t, and I’m in my early forties. However, the following extended family members of mine have passed away from cancer over the past two decades:

1. my oldest aunt’s (my mother’s older sister) husband
2. my oldest uncle (my mother’s older brother)
3. my Nonsan aunt’s (my mother’s younger sister right below her) husband
4. my Buddh aunt’s  (my mother’s younger sister right below my Nonsan aunt) husband
5. my Seoul aunt’s  (my mother’s youngest sister) husband

My husband joked around that it was the “Mun Man Curse” since my mother’s side of the family’s last name is Mun, and that he may be next in line.

I told him that whatever he believes will probably come true, but that he also needs to realize that his smoking—which started when he was around his tween years—may also contribute to him having cancer one day.

In addition, my adoptive father ended up passing away from a heart-attack in 2011, my oldest step-brother (from my adoptive dads first marriage) ended up having a minor heart-attack, and my first/ex-husband’s father passed away a little over a year ago of a heart-attack as well.

Toward the end of 2011, I found out that my bio dad’s third wife had been diagnosed with cancer a few months after I met them for the first time in 2008, and then she passed away in 2010. In 2012, I found out that my bio dad himself was diagnosed with cancer. Shortly afterwards, his closest companion/pet bulldog was diagnosed with cancer.

In 2014, I found out that a family friend had been diagnosed with prostate cancer. As I developed a deeper trust that our outer reality reflects our inner reality, I wondered what these outer events were intending to teach me that I wasn’t able to comprehend.

Were they symbolic of the so-called death of the fearful, individual and collective egoic traits within me? And why did others need to experience diseases and not me? 

Sometimes, I wondered why those who wanted to live weren’t able to, but yet, people like me who sometimes wanted to leave this world, end up disease-free, and failing to even take my own life.

Our family friend, James Wilhelm, is a mystic who has a lot of faith in humanity. I used to, but the truth is, now I don’t, which I trust is a reflection of my own lack of faith in self due to feeling powerless, and my own inability to fully and unconditionally love all aspects of self/Self/SELF.

Ever since I was child, I have yearned to be close to this entity called God, though my mother was a wannabe Buddhist and my adoptive father was an atheist who later turned Catholic.

I’ve prayed many many many times. I’ve unconditionally forgiven the seemingly unforgivable countless times, especially my own mother and two fathers.

I’ve generously given from my heart to the point where I’m now poor, both financially and from within—due to the lack of will power to continue from a loss of seemingly everything in my outer reality, especially most of my Earth family.

God, I’ve done more than enough, and I have nothing more to give. You can take whatever’s left, which I suppose is my husband and my dog, and my physical house. It doesn’t matter anymore. When all is gone, my last visit will be the Grand Canyons, where I will express my final goodbye to you. 

It took a little over 40 years, but I can now confidently say that I truly have no desire to meet and interact with another human being again.

There have been a small numbers of beings on Earth that were amazing due to their very loving BIG Heart—but the rest weren’t even close, and I don’t miss the majority, and won’t miss them.

I feel completely detached to everything around me and within me. I can’t even imagine what my version of Heaven on Earth would even look like anymore, and I have no desire to find out.

I’m now comfortable with just being silent within the dark space, as I close my eyes and imagine myself forever vanishing into the abyss. Unlike the moment, in one of the dreams mentioned in the post, “Dreams of Jesus,” I will not shout for help again.

So, I ask Goddess and/or Infinite Creator/All That Is, if you are indeed within me, “Why not allow very faithful Jim to be cancer-free and continue to be of great service to humanity, Mother Earth/Gaia, and beyond, and allow me to have his cancer instead.

I will take the disease, along with my diminished faith in self, humanity, and god with me to my death/end state, and that will be that. The world will move on in its usual state.

“But what about the soul contract?” as some folks of the spiritual community like to say.

I imagined the whole “soul contract” thing being like a car salesman who sends me a bill stating, “Trust me…you signed the contract to purchase the vehicle, you just don’t remember it right now,” or a military recruiter giving me instructions to attend basic training right away stating, “Oh, believe me you…you definitely signed the contract to serve your country, you just don’t remember it right now!”

The “soul contract” deal seems to be another form of manipulation and control. If and when I remember that I signed a soul contract to serve humanity, I will continue to do so; but until then, I will follow my heart and do whatever I feel like doing and Being with whatever time I have left here.

May the small percentage of pure in heart—regardless of race, nationality, color, culture, gender, sexual preference, beliefs, educational background, financial background, intelligence, etc.—be identified by the higher realms through their high vibrational frequency state (again, pure heart) and be transported to their version of Heaven on Earth, a parallel reality.

And for the rest of humanity—for our souls’ highest benefit—may we experience a major Earth cleansing (reflection of our own inner cleansing), as history repeats itself, since we choose not to fully open our hearts and wake up to who we truly are.

The Universe, let alone the Omniverse—will not miss a habitually, pathetic species who are continuously (throughout human history) either stuck in: much greed, arrogance, discrimination, abuse of power, abuse of Earthly resources, corruption, violence, wars, etc. or ignorance/darkness—the easily manipulated and controlled massive herd who blindly follows the shiny objects of the so-called “elites”—the extremely corrupt religion, government, politicians, military, CIA, NSA, other three letter agencies, secret agencies, major media, major corporations, etc.—without any questions.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Thank you to the most loving souls I had ever known; I trust that you will all experience your version of Heaven on Earth in Divine perfect timing and order: 

• Christoper Keaton (angelic childhood friend from former Hondo Apartments at Osan, Korea, who was able to give so much kindness and share fun moments despite not living with his mother. Once, I caught a glimpse of his sadness when his mother came to visit, and my heart went out to him). 
• Mr. Bruce Barker (very passionate and caring high school art teacher and BB coach who strongly believed in his students)
• Mr. & Mrs Langholz (very caring high school Biology as well as Physiology teacher and wife; the only Christians I’d ever met who were like Jesus)
• Eun-ah Kim un-nee, Ue-Hyang and Mi-yun un-nee (true, unconditionally loving friends from early to mid-nineties in Annandale, Virginia)
• Woo Sung Yi, Juan Gomez and his mother (true, unconditionally loving friends and second mother since 9th grade)
• Vivian Valadon (former): true, unconditionally loving friend from 12th grade
• my Okinawan friends, the most genuinely kind, generously giving, humorous and fun group of people I had ever met: Mika-san, Mr. Motomura-san, Kaori-san, Ms. Matsumoto-san, Mr. Eha-san, Mr. Asato-san and Mr. Soto-san
• my Korean, older sister-like neighbor in Okinawa (the wisest and most confident person I had ever met, and who was like a female version of Jesus, like Mary Magdalene, a Goddess)
• Randall Brown (former Senior Drill Sergeant in Basic Training who was compassionate and genuinely caring toward his soldiers and honorable in his ways of Being)
• Dennis Godfrey (Army schoolhouse classmate/soul brother: the most positive, humorous, honest, intelligent and unconditionally accepting/loving person I had ever known, and who always treated everyone with much respect and admiration; he was the ultimate sunshine who brightened any room)
• Heung-Woo and Kyung-Soo (very thoughtful, emotionally giving, and humorous KATUSA soldiers from my first unit)
• Alex Acla/Brody (the most loving and lovable soldier I had ever known in the Army, from my last unit, who reminds me of the very free-spirited and super-friendly side of my dog Kami; Kami even humped his leg during a BBQ, which I trust is a sign that he’s really attracted to Alex’s high vibrational frequency)
• and last but not least, my unconditionally loving husband ANGELo, my amazingly well-rounded kids, and my intelligent and deeply emotional dog Kami

Update: August 27, 2015

Post, “The Excitement of Losing the Unthinkable! ^_^“

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Added August 28, 2015 (Friday)

I woke up at 11 p.m. last night, and couldn’t fall back asleep. So I decided to get up and search for some Citrine Native American artwork, jewelry or dream-catcher for my daughter—a surprise gift for her new journey.

My husband woke up around 3 a.m., and we went outside our backyard. I noticed what I initially thought was a full moon, but after doing some research on full moon energies afterwards—since I recalled reading a while back that it’s very powerful (especially enhancing intuition and feelings)—I learned that it was a phase toward the full moon for the super full moon tomorrow, on August 29th.

I came upon this reading, “Unlimited Possibilities – Pisces Full Moon” and decided to add it to this post to share it—with anyone who crossed paths with this information in Divine perfect timing and order—because I trust that these powerful energies have influenced this entire month’s events and ways of being (both fearful and loving), not only for self, but for so-called others as well.

The following are some highlights of the very helpful and wonderful reading/link above (again, much gratitude to Jana, creator of reading):

Unlimited Possibilities.
Pisces helps you make sense of life. It helps bring all the pieces together. It is symbolic of the boundless ocean of unlimited possibilities […]

The veil between worlds is thin.
Because of it’s natural state of duality (two fish swimming in opposition) Pisces may also drum up moodiness, hypersensitivity, and doses of self-pity. The key to navigating churning emotions is compassion, balance, and accepting change.

The Pisces Full moon represents a time when the veil between the physical and spiritual worlds is thin. You may experience bursts of insight, feel more intuitive, or have intense dreams […]

Be attuned to hunches, coincidences, and repeating messages from other people or situations outside of yourself. What are you feeling or thinking in these moments? These are clues that help you align with your higher purpose.

Random acts of service.
Pisces inspires compassion […] Compassion is one of the most healing forces on the planet. It opens our hearts as well as those who receive compassion. Holding a vibration of unconditional love is one of the most powerful forces you can create. It shifts your vibe and what you attract, and everyone around you also feels elevated by your presence […]

Tap into your vivid imagination.
Impressions and messages from your guides are heightened with the Pisces Full Moon. Tapping into your intuition and visualizing the results you want are intensified with this full moon […] Listen to the guidance of your heart versus head. This is your life […] Remember that making no decision is the same thing as saying, “I want everything to stay the same.” Be bold and creative when envisioning your amazing life!

Surrender!
Pisces reminds you to surrender. The full moon has a way of uncovering whatever emotions you need to release. It brings up stuff like feeling unsupported, unresolved emotional wounds, addictions and means of escape come to light, and anything else that is sabotaging your progress. Limitations and fears are highlighted at this time so you can see where you’ve been getting in your own way in resolving them. This is full moon is a great time to ask yourself,

What habits do I need to change to achieve my goals?
Why do I hold onto particular behaviors or beliefs?
What delusions do I need to release?”
Who do I need to forgive?
How do I follow my soul’s desires?

Pisces supports you in releasing resentments, judgement, grudges, and codependence. This includes self-judgement and forgiving yourself. Pisces reminds you to accept what is and to focus on only you. You’re only responsible for your life. Other people will have opportunities to heal, with or without your help. By letting go of what you cannot change and focusing on what you can change, you lighten your load […] a