“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.”
― Pema Chödrön, The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times
“The Other Hole”
I was sleeping one night, and then I screamed. I immediately rushed to the bathroom because I knew something was wrong, but I was disoriented and highly upset. As I sat on the toilet…drip…drip…drip…I realized I was bleeding. I started crying. The dark shadow approached the entrance of the door and said nonchalantly, “I thought it was the other hole.” I pitied myself, and then hated myself for not calling the cops. It was such a pathetic and typical reaction to all the abuse I’ve ever experienced from those closest to me. The dark shadow eventually apologized to me. I eventually forgave him.
Lessons Learned from “The Other Hole” (aka sodomy):
– I can now empathize with those who have experienced domestic rape (although this was not a spouse), and the emotional damage that comes with it. One is left with various negative feelings, to include self-pity, self-hatred, and a lack of self-worth. Feeling loved is definitely not the experience that this ugly event provides. This is a topic some people have difficulty sympathizing with, because they assume that marriage partners having sex (whether one agrees or not) automatically comes with the package. However, true love doesn’t force one to do something against one’s wishes.
– I understand that accidents do happen; however, if it does, one should have the decency to apologize and express some genuine concern for the other who is in pain.
– After such an experience, one should not feel bad about oneself, because it’s about the other person who needs healing in their own way. We wouldn’t curse a person if they were physically or mentally ill; therefore, it doesn’t make sense to curse a person if they need to evolve more on a spiritual level.
– I am reminded of “The Little Soul and the Sun” by Neale Donald Walsch, which also helps me to heal. I believe the so-called “bad guy/gal” who hurts us, come into our lives so that we may remember who we truly are, which includes Forgiveness. For if we had no one to forgive (because everybody loved us), we wouldn’t realize the wonderful part of us that is called Forgiveness; it would only be a foreign concept.
UPDATE
By the way, although I unconditionally forgave this person—it was unconditional because I felt it in my heart, and there was no apology for the “accident”—I let go of this unhealthy relationship shortly after this incident. I trust that I was guided by Spirit within to start unconditionally loving self.
A Taste of Suffocation
The argument escalated into a fight. Then, the unexpected happened. The dark shadow threw me on the bed and put a comforter on my face, just revealing my eyes. I went into panic mode. I tried to fight, but it was hopeless. He let me go after what felt like a few minutes, and I started wheezing. I then started bawling. The dark shadow cried and apologized to me. I eventually forgave him.
Lesssons Learned from “Suffocation”:
– This type of abnormal rage stems from a really deep hurt from the past, like estreme physical abuse by a parent(s). I know, because the only difference between the “suffocater” and I is that I have never acted out such crazy-ass behavior…just fantasized about them. I recall that there were times when I so was angry at the world that I would have homicidal thoughts. Granted, I’ve experienced rage, but it was more about throwing, ripping and breaking things. I realize that this experience has taught me that I definitely choose not to traumatize others no matter what.
It is understandable (not excusable) why certain people “snap” an do the unthinkable. Sometimes, one can only take so much pain and hatred from society. It’s an act of desperation…a soul’s cry for help. People have different tolerance levels, some more than others. One person could say, “What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger!” while another may say, “I can’t take it anymore!” One who’s had minimal or no trauma in their life usually have a difficult time understanding why a a person would snap, and judge them as “crazy” or “evil” or “worthless members of society”. It’s easy to judge/label others so that one could feel like the “good person”. However, what truly defines a good soul? One who curses the “bad” soul and looks away, or the one who helps the “bad” soul by reminding them of who they truly are (a good soul by nature)? The latter may be more challenging, but it’s definitely more rewarding for both souls. If we could take a moment of our time (by noticing, caring, listening, understanding, etc.) and help those to see who they truly are (loving souls by nature), we can make magnificent changes in our world. For instance, if more people took time, out of their busy days, to recognize a very troubled soul, perhaps there would be less people “losing it” (losing sight of their true being)/going postal or becoming a sociopath or psychopath.
– I believe we cross each other’s paths in order to improve each other, and to help heal one another. If the other is willing to heal, especially if it is a loved one, one should do everything in their power to help them accomplish this. However, there are boundaries; the other must understand that such behavior would never be tolerated again.
A Preview of Drowning
While washing my hair, my mother dunked my head into the water…in and out…in and out…in and out…and finally the madness was over. I was three or four years old. I don’t remember anything before or after that event. My mother was more than likely very hurt and frustrated.
The Wrong Kiss
My mother had too much Soju (A Korean liquor similar to Vodka) again, although she promised that she would quit countless times. Her eyes are bloodshot. I kiss her goodnight, like usual, but this time it was all wrong…she slipped the tip of her tongue in my mouth, and I immediately backed away. I don’t remember what happened after that. What I do remember, is that I would never kiss her again, at least not on her lips. I forgave her only because 1) she’s my mother, 2) she was very intoxicated and 3) I felt sorry for her (she was always lonely, even while she was married to my dad…since he was hardly ever around).
Bad Videos
Ever since my parents got divorced (the first time, when I was in sixth grade), my mother would spend lonely nights with her bottles of Soju and some video rentals. I recall watching these videos with her, and not even realizing at the time that the scenarios that we were in were completely abnormal and disturbing. She told me that the videos were made in Germany. They were torture/sex videos. As I grew older, I became very uncomfortable with such events, that I avoided them like a plague. Looking back, I forgive her once again because my intuition informs me that my grandfather definitely sexually abused her and one of my other aunts (2 out of 9 children). He used to take them to his liquor houses when they were teenagers. He, too, was an alcoholic as well as a gambler and unfaithful husband. I believe she was exposed to things a young teenager didn’t deserve. This probably explains why he mysteriously died one day. Apparently, he was craving for dog meat (since meat was scarce back then), so my mother bought him some. Next thing you know, he’s in bed for three days acting like a zombie. Then he died. I bet it was some kind of poison…perhaps rat poison. This explains why my mother suggested to me that we take rat poison and kill ourselves when my dad was going to leave us (when I was ten years old). In a post called, “Learned Lesson.”
Once in a blue moon, I find myself haunted by such thoughts. No matter how much I try to convince myself that I’m over being hurt, deep down I know that I’m still picking up the shattered pieces of my heart. I’m okay with that now, because I have finally embraced the fact that healing can sometimes be a long process. Patience and faith is what will get me through this dark alley, and I have no fear. Sometimes, when I’m joking around with myself, I think, “I’m surprised I haven’t turned into a serial killer or something…I seem to have the qualifications.” Of course, it’s because I CHOOSE not to become one. I wish I could convey this message to the next, potential ax murderer. Wow, it’s almost 1:51 a.m. and I’m wide awake. I feel better now though. I will never allow anyone to hurt Bobbie, my inner child, again. She deserves so much better. Looking at my inner child from an objective point of view…my heart goes out to her. She deserves the best in life. AND, she will not take crap from anyone anymore…EVER. Enough is enough.
God, they say you only give us what we can handle. Well, I know for a fact that you have given me a good size load. I am grateful for it has made me who I am today. However, no more major, negative drama…seriously. I understand that one must experience the bad in order to truly appreciate the good…but I’m confident now that I get the so-called “bad” picture. I’m truly exhausted from hurt; I believe I’ve mastered it. Now it’s time for me to take care of myself and my inner child, Bobbie. I thank you for giving me the opportunity to heal now, so that I may remember who I truly am (a part of you), and that I may become the grandest version of the greatest vision I ever had about myself.
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