Liberating Wings of Freedom: Rising Above Childhood and/or Adulthood Abuse

“The harder you fall.. the harder you will rise like a Phoenix bird who rules the sky…

Illuminating in the darkness with an ambitious spirit that never dies… A new day is upon you…

Look how you shine as bright as the sun piercing your enemies eyes with your radiant glare…

No matter what struggles, obstacles or problems that you encounter in life which will cause you to fall…

If you keep your faith in God and stay strong, you will rise above it all with stronger wings to soar. ”  – Andrale (http://chimovement.com/motivation-101)

The following are subtitles within this post:

• A Message to Readers
• Intro
• Relevant Quotes
• Enter Courage and Strength
• When God Opened Doors
• When God Closed Doors
• Three Main Reasons for Hope
• Discipline vs. Abuse
• Comments of the Unloving Mother vs. the Loving Mother
• The Painful Truth
• Positive Change #1,234: New Behavior

A Message to Readers

This is a message to all the beautiful souls out there who have experienced much darkness, like childhood and/or adulthood abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, and/or sexual), and have not been able to heal:

To my brothers and sisters, please do not fear, for you have the magnificent power within you to rise above all the damaging effects of childhood and/or adulthood abuse…because you are the LIGHT and LOVE that transforms darkness. You are also an amazing soul of an Almighty and All-Loving God, and He, along with other angelic souls around you will help you to remember who you truly are. Never allow anyone to tell you that it’s too late, that you’re too damaged, that you’re too weak, that you deserve less or that there’s no hope. There’s always hope.

The greatest healers are those who, despite having experienced much darkness, rise above it and choose to use their experiences to do the following: better empathize with others, have more compassion, be more open-minded, be non-judgmental, be more observant, have more insight, pay more attention to their intuition, be an active listener, be more sensitive to the feelings of others, understand more, offer better solutions, be able to build good rapport naturally, be more trustworthy, be transparent, be gentle, be wise, be able to recognize signs of abuse, be able to connect with others, be more loving, etc. The list can go on, and YOU choose who you wish to BE.

Note: If we happen to notice or hear about child and/or adult abuse, let’s make the loving choice to report it.

Intro

The Revised Version: Thanks to a gift from God (a blogger who not only liked my post, but indirectly inspired me to read and see something I was meant to come across), I decided to add some more important tributes to those who deserve them. When I saw this blogger’s beautiful tribute that she created for her mother called, “Reasons Why I Love My Mother-Happy Birthday Mom!”, it brought tears to my eyes. It made me happy to see such a collection of wonderful memories of a very healthy family. I reblogged her post to my website so that we could all strive more to cherish the beauty of life. This is just a fraction of the countless reasons why God creates PERFECT people, places, and events! 😀

This is a post about choosing to end another’s emotional abuse (after healing from physical, verbal, and sexual abuse) using God’s powerful gifts of unconditional love and forgiveness, as well as courage and strength. (A continuation from the post, “Self-Empowerment”)
It’s never too late to end another’s abuse (i.e., verbal, physical, emotional and/or sexual), and we all have it in us to take back what’s been freely given to us from God…the right to be loved, the right to feel worthy, the right to feel safe, and the right to be free. Once we decide to own what’s rightfully ours, no one can take it away. The cycle of any type of abuse must be stopped at some point, so that it won’t be passed down from one generation to the next. We must do this, not just for ourselves, but also for the abuser (i.e., a lost soul), and anyone else who may end up experiencing the negative effects of such abuse.

Not only does God give us the heart to love unconditionally and forgive the seemingly unlovable souls, but He also gives us the courage and strength to stand up to those who bring us down, so that not only can we finally break free from the prison-like glass bubble, but they (the non-believers) can eventually see God’s amazing power and greatness through us.

Relevant Quotes

The following are some amazing quotes relevant to this post:

From Eleanor Roosevelt:

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.”

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

“It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.”

From Nelson Mandela (correction => quote by Marianne Williamson/updated 2/18/2016):

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate”…

.. “Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure…”

.. “It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us…We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?”..

“Actually, who are you not to be? ….

“….”You are a child of God… Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.”

…”There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you”…

..”We are all meant to shine, as children do….

“We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us…It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone…

..”And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same…

“As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

From Jesus:

Matthew 18:21-35

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

John 9:1-3
English Standard Version (ESV)

Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind

9 As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” 3 Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.

Enter Courage and Strength

Note: Courage and Strength comes in different forms. For instance, a good friend from high school once told me that whenever her mother got upset with her and starting hitting her, she would just pick her mother up and hold her. My friend could’ve easily defended herself by striking back or something since she was much bigger than her mother, but she chose not to misuse her physical strength. She just showed her mother that she loved her unconditionally. I’m grateful that Nicky (fake name) shared that story with me. Granted, I wasn’t able to do the same with my own mother, since she was stronger than me, but I never had a desire to hurt her back.

My American father more than likely had an influence because no matter how many times my mother was violent towards him, I never once saw him hit her in any way. He, too, just blocked her strikes or held her. It definitely wasn’t because she was stronger than him, but because he chose not to misuse his strength like Nicky did. When I was in elementary school, I had an amazing opportunity to witness my American father’s lion-like courage and strength, so I wrote a post about it called, “Courage.”

It was so liberating and empowering to finally stand up and say everything I’ve always wanted to say to a mother who’s been so emotionally abusive all my life. To my surprise, for the very first time, she received my words with minimum resistance. However, before this miraculous moment, where I felt like I grew a magnificent pair of wings of freedom, I had to go through one of the most challenging processes of my life…to face my greatest fear, my own mother.

Although I give her some credit for actually apologizing to me (when I was in my mid-twenties) for the excessive beatings she used to give me while she was drunk, she still hasn’t apologized, much less acknowledged, the fact that she was also very verbally abusive, and continues to be emotionally abusive.

In January of this year, right before my biological father was scheduled to visit me for the first time in 38 years, I stayed up one night until 3:00 a.m. because I couldn’t sleep, most likely due to anxiety. So, I decided to drink some Jack and coke to help me to go to sleep. I then did the unthinkable. I apparently called my mother in Korea and cowardly confronted her about why she was so verbally abusive my entire life, even until my adulthood. My husband came downstairs around 5:00 a.m. because he heard me bawling like a child. He said that I was sitting on the sofa, crying really hard, while faced down on my laptop.

There was never a situation where I had called my mother and not been able to recall our conversation, so I was pretty nervous about calling her the next day to find out what I had said. She told me that I went off on her like she never saw before. I apparently told her repeatedly how hurtful she was since I was a child, and that I always believed that she hated me. She said she tried to talk, but I kept going on and on about all the details. She then merely stated, “C’mon Bobbie, you know my personality. Sometimes people say and do things out of anger. Why are you bringing up things that happened long time ago anyway? You need to change that personality of yours.”

Drinking excessive alcohol clouds one’s judgment, a lesson that I should’ve learned from various people and events throughout my life, to include my mother and myself. Had I been sober when I confronted her over the phone, perhaps I would’ve reminded her that her last verbal abuse was not long ago, but rather, within a year. That was the last time I kept alcohol in the house. Once in a blue moon, I’ll enjoy a glass or two of wine, but I finally realized that getting drunk is not for me anymore. Anyway, my mother’s unwillingness to apologize most likely stemmed from her fear that it would hurt her pride and make her lose face; or maybe she just didn’t have any remorse.

Whatever the reason, it didn’t matter anymore; it was time for yet another positive change. Even though she hasn’t laid a hand on me ever since I left home, after graduating from high school (21 years ago), I know the only reason she hasn’t done so is because she knows I wouldn’t tolerate it as an adult. Granted, she did attempt to attack me once in front of my first husband during our visit to Korea during the mid 1990s.

The last time she was verbally abusive was when I visited her in Korea in April of 2011. We got along just fine until I disagreed with something she said on day three of the visit. I figured she wouldn’t attack me since she apologized for the last attempted attack. It’s just that sometimes my mother says things that doesn’t ring any truth to it or just raises red flags. Anyway, she stormed into the kitchen (which was right next to her bedroom/living room that we were in) and started banging stuff around. I then heard her say under her breath, “bitch”, in Korean.

I immediately went to the kitchen and asked, “You just called me bitch?” She looked really surprised and said softly, “No” as she quickly avoided eye contact afterwards. “Ma, I’m right next door. I can hear everything from you banging the dishes and pans to you mumbling ‘bitch’. I’m the only other person in this house.” I then walked away three steps to where I was sitting. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. I never dared to confront her whenever she cursed me out; I had been used to it since I was a child. I guess I was so shocked that she had not changed over the years, like I had hoped, that I just lost my mind.

For the remaining days that I stayed at her house, I slept most of the days and ate very little. I was so depressed that she was basically the same mother that I had known while living with her, that I didn’t even care if she tried to do something crazy, like kill me while I was sleeping. I think I preferred the aggressive her verses the passive-aggressive her when it comes to verbal abuse. At least the aggressive communication style is straight forward rather than indirect. Back in the day, she didn’t hesitate to just call me a bitch to my face. I guess if I were to look for the silver lining, she hasn’t cursed at me since that day, at least not to my face…or anywhere near me.

Now that I had two out of three abuses knocked out (physical and verbal), my next goal was to end the emotional abuse which was ongoing. Granted, this one was a tough one for reasons I’m not even sure of until this day. I’m assuming it’s because the emotional abuse was usually subtle, but just as jabbing to the heart and breaking of the soul. It also came in sheep’s clothing sometimes, using gentle kindness to manipulate and fill my days with guilt or pity. Other times, it was lies mixed with truth to create confusion, doubt, and/or fear.

I did some research about narcissistic abusers, focusing on emotional abuse, and I learned that not only is my mother a damn near perfect example of one, but she’s mastered it to the point that I even doubted my intuition’s warning signs. Why? Because I truly wanted to believe the good in her, that her lost soul was slowly but surely evolving. Although a part of me wishes that I had the courage to confront her during my early adult years, I understand that I wasn’t ready, and neither was she at the time.

I recently saw one of my favorite sermons of all time because it was close to my heart. I usually don’t watch televised sermons, but Joel Osteen’s message #541 “The God Who Closes Doors” really put perspective on things. I can see why he’s currently known to be one of the most inspirational speakers. I learned that I should be just as grateful for the doors that God closes as the doors He opens. God and our souls know what our hearts truly desire, and what’s best for our spiritual growth, so they guide us to walk through some doors, and protect us from walking through other doors.

When God Opened Doors

In order to fix something, you need to be aware of what you’re trying to fix. I always knew that I was physically and verbally abused, but I didn’t really know that I was emotionally abused as well; bottom line is, I was ignorant about it. Before I learned about it, I first had to learn more about myself. Then, I had to acknowledge that I even needed healing. Once I started the healing process, I was ready to be open-minded enough to understand and accept the fact that I was a victim of emotional abuse. So even though it was somewhat embarrassing that I was almost 40 years old, but yet, still unable to completely stand up to my mother, I was ready to focus on what was really important…that it’s never too late for positive change.

Before going through this process to reach the perfect timing to confront my mother, God knew I wasn’t ready. I would’ve been too stubborn to 1) admit that I needed professional help and healing and 2) acknowledge that my mother was continuing to abuse me (emotionally) and I was blind to it. In addition to that, without the healing process, I myself would not be healthy enough and strong enough to effectively make change. I thank God for guiding me in the right direction to eventually receive some effective therapy from some professional and genuinely caring psychologists and therapists.

I’m no longer ashamed that I received, and continue to receive, mental health care. People who are ignorant about this subject matter are quick to judge it as “care for crazy folks”; I know, because I used to be one of those judging people. However, God gave me the opportunity to become non-judgmental, more understanding, more knowledgeable, and more compassionate about this subject so that I could help others. I recorded my journey of this spiritual awakening in one of my previous posts called, “Discovering the Beauty Behind the Walls of the Mentally Ill.”

A lot of times, God helps us and heals us through other souls; some people call these kind souls angels. God knew that once I received help to start the process of healing from all the childhood and adulthood abuse, as well as military-related trauma (i.e., being raped), I would then transform into a more fearless, powerful, and all-loving soul that I was meant to be. I’m grateful that God inspired me to continue to have faith in Him throughout the rugged journey. There were many times that I wanted to just give up because I was exhausted. Now I trust God that every moment was, is and will continue to be perfect.

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The following short story is another example of how God opened doors: Before I signed up to join the Army to become a Korean, cryptologic linguist, I had to fill out some paperwork asking about my history. I came across a very uncomfortable question and prayed to God. He informed me through my intuition to answer the question honestly, despite what consequences it may have. I realized that I’d rather tell the truth now than have it come back and haunt me. The question was whether or not I had attempted suicide before, and therefore, hospitalized. I answered, “yes.” I was in my early twenties when it had happened; I had made a bad choice. Note: I wrote a post about how God rescued me during the attempted suicide called, “Prayer.”

By the time my recruiter got a hold of the paperwork, he was furious. He said something like, “How could you do something so stupid?! Now you’re never going to become a 98G because you blew your chances of ever getting a Top Secret clearance! You have like a one percent chance, if that, to get a medical waiver which is damn near impossible for clearance required MOSs (military jobs)! Why didn’t you just lie like everyone else does?! Do you realize how many people do drugs and other shit and then just lie on their paperwork? Now you have to go through a complicated process.”

One of the main psychologists who evaluated and interviewed me said with a sigh, “I’m not quite getting a warm fuzzy about this.” As soon as I heard him say those words, I had this surge of confidence flow out of me that I felt from my heart, and I replied, “Look doc, I’m not here to give you warm fuzzies. If I’m meant to join the Army, God will make it happen.” I took various tests and I was interviewed a few more times by other medical professionals and officers at some headquarters. In the end, I received a medical waiver to join the Army.

My intuition told me that it was meant to be because at first, my husband (at the time) came home one day and said jokingly, “Hey Bobbie, I saw a commercial of the Army looking for Korean linguists!” I replied, “So?” I had never wanted to join the military (due to believing that I was way too small), so I didn’t care about the commercial. Then, within that week, a lady that I had met while interviewing for the same job, called me out of the blue and started talking about possibly joining the Army. I was like, “God, is this another sign?” It seemed to be the perfect timing since it had been almost a year since my husband and I tried to patch up our unhealthy marriage for the kids sake; and maybe some separation time would bring about some positive change I thought. Plus, he wanted to get out of the Marine Corps, so I thought, “I’ve spoken Korean all my life…why not make a career out of it and benefit the family?” Everything felt right, so I went with my gut feeling.

The next challenge was to take a Defense Language Proficiency Test (DLPT) to basically see whether or not I had to attend the language institute to learn how to speak, read, and write Korean. Although I had learned how to speak and understand Korean from my mother, my Korean relatives and my Korean friends, I had never attended a Korean school or class. When I was in elementary school, when I was dropped off at my grandma’s house (every summer and winter vacations), my two closest cousins taught me how to read and write the Korean alphabet, but that was it. When I worked at Korean restaurants as a waitress in my early twenties, I took home the menus and memorized them. I also watched a lot of Korean T.V. and drama videos ever since I was a kid. Other than that, I had no formal instruction.

I then remembered what my Korean neighbor in Okinawa taught me…faith in God again. I met her almost immediately after I gave up trying to figure out where I fit in the religious world after experiencing numerous American and Korean churches of different denominations. I also gave up on God as well as…until I crossed paths with her. Note: I wrote about her in my post called, “Inspiration.” She taught me that God is inside us and all around us. She not only spoke words of wisdom that always led to God as the main source, but she also walked the walk like no other person I had ever met before.

One day, during bible study at her home, she asked me to read some of the verses in the Korean bible. I told her that I couldn’t. She then said, “Yes you can. Believe that God will help you, and you will be able to read Korean; you already know the basics.” I couldn’t believe what she was saying. I thought to myself, “Man, she’s like the typical, ruthless Korean teacher that I often saw in Korean dramas, the ones that take no excuses for not being able to excel.”

However, I loved her with all my heart, because to me, she was the closest human being who was like Jesus. I felt God’s presence in her. I took her advice and believed that I was going to pass the DLPT. It was intimidating at first, because the questions came from topics ranging from the media, economy, politics, government, business, etc. To my great surprise, I passed. I couldn’t believe that I was actually able to understand more than I gave myself credit for, and that I could read and comprehend most of the contents of the paragraph(s) per question.

My Jesus-like neighbor was right; having faith in God makes all the difference. I thought I got lucky at first, still lacking faith in God and thus doubting Him, but I continued to, not only pass the DLPT throughout my years in the Army, but also improve my test scores. I then knew that God’s gift of allowing me to read and write Korean (although not impeccably) was mine forever, as long as I chose to believe.

When God Closed Doors

I swore up and down that once I got married, I would never get a divorce since I didn’t want to end up like my parents. Plus, I often dreamed of having a happy family since I was a child. So when my first marriage ended in a divorce, I was devastated. To make a long story short, I eventually found the man of my life who’s everything I ever wanted in a man, who loves me unconditionally, and is an amazing soul. I’m so grateful now that God closed a door to my unhealthy, first marriage. Both of us came from broken homes, and neither one of us wanted to admit they we had problems, let alone get some professional help. I wanted to give marriage counseling a try, but that idea went out the window real quick.

The other door God closed was very difficult for me to come to peace with, sometimes even until this day. I was depressed for the longest time when I was separated from my children. My toddler children, at the time I joined the Army, didn’t want to live without their father, so I didn’t want to force them to live with me. It was completely understandable since they became more attached to him while I was away for training for an entire year, and was then stationed in Korea (without family members)for 18 months. I saw them once or twice a year for about two weeks, but that was it.

I felt a huge void in my life (and I still do),but I understand that everything fell into place perfectly. My first husband remarried a wonderful lady who I consider an angel sent by God. She has been, and continues to be, a great mother to my children. She was (and continues to be) also very healthy–mentally and emotionally–something that I had lacked, which would not have benefited my children. So I will always be grateful for her goodness, and I will always be in her debt. Note: I wrote a post about her a while back called, “The Dream Mother.”

In addition, my first husband and I have been (and continue to be)on good terms since we have two children together; and he’s also a great father and person. We were just meant to take healthier paths so that our souls would heal and evolve with the influence of emotionally healthy people, like my first husband’s wife who came from a healthy family background. Almost annually, my first husband and his wife, my current husband and I, along with their children and my children (with my first husband), go out and enjoy a good conversation over dinner. We also continuously communicate with one another via phone, e-mail, or Facebook. It may not seem like the norm in most people’s eyes, but it doesn’t matter, because it’s perfect in God’s eyes.
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The following short story is another example of how God closed doors: For 21 years, I lived far away from my mother; I lived mostly in the U.S., and 6 years overseas. Korea was the closest I lived to her, which was still two and a half hours away, since I was stationed there for my first unit. I believe God closed all the doors of me being near her in order to protect me. Although I strangely missed her at times and wished that she was nearby, I’m so glad that God put a distance between us; otherwise, I’d be a complete wreck. The first and last time she came to visit me in my home, when my first husband and our family was stationed in Okinawa, she tried to tell me what to wear. I had to remind her that I was in my late twenties, and that I would choose what to wear. I actually missed her at times because I wanted to help take care of her, and I still yearned for her to become the loving mother I had always dreamed of having since I was a child.

God knew that we both had a lot of healing and growing to do before we could reach a point where a major change could be made to benefit both parties. My mother has slightly improved on not losing her temper as much, her drinking habit, her attitude, and her outlook in life, which gives me the will to continuously have patience, understanding, and hope. However, she’s still set in some of her unhealthy ways, so that’s where I get to step in as well. Joy. Plus, the rest of my Korean relatives said that they give up trying to help her to change some of her negative ways, although they do give her some credit for trying and making progress.

Three Main Reasons for Hope

When I finally confronted my mother, I believe she received my words without putting up a fight because 1) I’m sure she could tell by my new tone and assertiveness that I had reached the point of zero tolerance, 2) when she tried to interrupt me a few times, I didn’t allow it, which never happened before, and 3) she knew I had nothing to lose anymore. I imagine most people would have cut off ties with such a parent long ago, and would have a hard time understanding why anyone in their right mind would continuously take such treatment from another person. Or perhaps the perception is that only someone with an unhealthy or weak mind would have hope for an abuser for so long.

Throughout history, there have been (and still are) serial killers who eventually got tired of taking abusive treatment from a loved one, and chose to seek revenge in the darkest ways imaginable, not just to the abuser, but anyone who resembled the abuser (e.g., another mother figure). So it would seem that people who decide to end another’s abuse in a positive manner (as opposed to murdering them) are not only in their right minds, but as long as they choose to have hope as well, they also have healthy and strong minds. Because if serial killers had just a tiny speck of hope that they could one day reach peace in their hearts by bringing about positive change, despite how they’ve been mistreated, this world would be a much better place.

A few years ago, one of my soldiers shared his personal story with me about how he was so ingrained to believe that he was worthless since he was a child, that he actually believed that he was a bad person who was destined to always do bad things. Other soldiers shared similar stories of loss of hope, confidence, and/or self-love. So one day, I shared with my soldiers what I hoped would be helpful to them. I told them as a class, just in case there were other soldiers who felt the same way, but were uncomfortable talking about it.

I said something like, “Sometimes, people who have been hurt themselves don’t know any better than to hurt others in return, not necessarily because they’re bad people, but because they’re lost souls…and they need someone to help them find their way home. Their hurtful words and/or actions towards us don’t define who we truly are. It’s only through their dark words and behavior that we realize who we don’t wish to become; and thus, who we are not. If we had a magical opportunity to be able to watch video clips of all their pain that they endured throughout their lives, we would probably have more compassion for them. But since we don’t have that option, we can trust God that He wants us to have compassion for them, since His eyes see the bigger truth. I believe God wants all of us to be the light onto the darkness, not because we’re worthless or weak, but because we’re worthy and strong.” I then said with a smile, “You think you guys are bad, I probably meet all the qualifications of a serial killer since most of them claim to do what they do because of all the darkness they experienced throughout their lives. But the point is…I choose not to be a serial killer or cynical person. We decide who we want to be.”

The second reason for hope is that my mother is my mother who not only gave a difficult birth to me, but also raised me the best she knew how at the time. Although she was going to initially give me up to the orphanage (probably due to fear and having been betrayed by my biological father), she changed her mind after my Korean relatives talked her out of it, although she didn’t have to. I still hold on to the few but strong loving words and gestures that she provided me, usually when she was sober. It’s natural to have conflicting emotions toward someone (i.e., having a love-hate relationship) when you’ve often been confused as to whether or not someone loves you or hates you (e.g., taking a child shopping for toys, clothes and/or snacks after a couple of hours of beatings and very hurtful words).

Last but not least, it’s a God thing. God inspires me to feel compassion for my mother (since she rarely experienced unconditional love), to love my mother unconditionally despite her abusive ways, to be patient with her, to understand her, to empathize with her, to forgive her over and over again, to show her God’s love, and to remind her that it’s my faith in God that’s even keeping me in her life. It also breaks my heart that more than likely, my mother has experienced some forms of abuse as well, when she was growing up, and has never had an opportunity to go through a healing process. At her age, and with her culture, she will never seek any type of counseling. I will be her healing process with God’s help.

God knows that deep down my mother is a good soul who has some great qualities such as generosity, humor, diligence, dedication, compassion and thriftiness. Note: I wrote about her in my post called, “Generosity.” God understands that she’s been through some hard times and is struggling to know, trust, and love God, although she may not consciously be aware of it. She is a lost soul who needs another human being to love her as God would love her. I believe that oh-so-lucky human being is me; I’m her only daughter.

Every man she’s married has cheated on her and then abandoned her. My relatives tolerate her, but they admitted that she is exhausting to be around. She doesn’t trust people, so she has no friends. It makes me sad that no one loves her. Every soul deserves to be loved. God knows this, that’s why He doesn’t discriminate who He loves; that’s why God’s love is unconditional to all souls throughout the world. Granted, most religions will disagree, stating that God is on their side and that their religion is better than others.

In my heart, I can feel my soul’s strong desire for my mother to know and to believe in God. However, I have no desire to talk about anything she’s not willing to hear, so the best that I can do is to show how God would love. At the same time, it’s also important for her to realize that not only does God give me the heart to love and forgive someone like her, but he also gives me the strength and courage to stand up to her hurtful words and actions.

Discipline vs. Abuse

I am grateful to my mother for teaching me some important lessons in life like: respecting your elders, sharing, being generous, emotional resilience, frugality, diligence, heedfullness, taking care of your body, being clean, being organized, being very disciplined, being mentally tough, and being a survivor.

Korean culture, combined with how my mother and American father raised me, had a strong influence on my tolerance for some of my mother’s unhealthy words and behavior. In Korean culture, children who become adults are supposed to help take care of their parent(s) since their parent(s) raised them. Since I’m her only daughter, I’ve always felt obligated to do so, especially with no father figure around to help her.

According to my mother, all good parents are supposed to give their child/children some tough love, which includes some control and violence; that’s just the way things were back in the day. Understood; however, there’s always room for positive change. The cycle of abuse must be stopped at some point, rather than get passed down from one generation to the next.

When I was growing up, you highly respected and obeyed your parents. There was no talking back, raising your voice, rolling your eyes, speaking your mind, sighing, disobeying, lying, getting into trouble, getting bad grades, doing drugs, etc. Granted, my mother once told me, “You can drink alcohol, but if I ever catch you smoking…I will break your leg!” Since she was an alcoholic, she was able to justify drinking as “okay.”

Interestingly, neither one of my parents ever mentioned “no cheating,” although I never had a desire to the entire time I attended school. My mother was more than likely not familiar with the concept since she had to drop out of school when she was 13 years old, to help take care of her 5 younger siblings. I figured the reason my American father never brought it up was because he was often busy having an affair with his girlfriend. Once again, touchy subjects were either happily embraced, or avoided all together, to ultimately avoid guilt. Anyway, when I did misbehave as a child, my American father provided old-fashion discipline, which worked wonders.

I recall a couple vivid memories of when my dad taught me some important lessons when I was five years old. Once, I was told that I refused to share my Barbie dolls with some of the neighborhood kids, so I started crying. I then saw my dad come running out of the house like a bat out of hell, and he put me over his knee and spanked my bottom multiple times. I’m grateful for that lesson, because sharing has become one of my favorite things to do. Note: I also wrote about my mother’s influence in my post called, “Sharing.”

The other incident occurred around the same timeframe, when I threw a fit in the car for a different reason. My dad immediately slammed on the breaks, yelled at me to get out of the car, and then drove off in high-speed. As I watched the car become smaller in size, and eventually disappear, I burst into tears. There were no other cars in sight, and I was scared. My mother later told me (when I was much older) that she was so upset with my dad at the time that she asked him, “What are you doing?” He turned to her with a wink and said, “Just watch.” He made a u-turn and came back to get me. I was told that I never threw a fit again. Several times throughout my adulthood, I witnessed children who threw uncontrollable, loud fits in public for not getting what they wanted, and each time I’m reminded that I was blessed to have a father who disciplined me.

On the other hand, there’s a huge difference between disciplining your child/children and downright abusing them. Ever since I can remember, until I graduated from high school, my mother either didn’t know the difference, or could care less. People who have never experienced extreme verbal, emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse will more than likely never understand how such past experiences could still negatively affect an adult. To make matters worse, even if one of the abuses is ongoing, it will interfere with the overall healing process of becoming whole.

Also, if that person didn’t receive professional therapy until later on in his/her adult years, it’s completely understandable why he’s/she’s negatively affected by all the traumatic events. For instance, if an important figure in your life, especially a parent, continuously told you how worthless you were throughout the key stages of your developing years (i.e., your childhood), chances are, you’re going to have very low self-esteem, regardless of what society says you should believe about yourself as an adult. Therefore, it’s never too late to start the healing process, and become mentally, emotionally and even physically healthy.

Comments of the Unloving Mother vs. the Loving Mother

One of the best psychologists I’ve had while I was going through my healing process was the second most spiritual human being I had ever met. She was an old, petite Asian lady who reminded me of a female Yoda (i.e., not her looks…her wisdom and mysterious nature). She was very gentle, kind, non-judgmental, transparent, patient and observant. During one of our sessions, she asked me to write down on these half sheets of paper the main things I recalled that my mother said negatively to me. I just followed her instructions. She then layed them down, covering the carpet of the floor. She asked me to look at all the comments, and then asked me if I would ever say any of those things to a child.

 It then occured to me that I didn’t deserve what I had been told, and that it wasn’t normal. For those who have never experienced any type of abuse, may not be able to understand why an adult would have this type of mentality, but those whose passion is to heal others are willing and able to see beyond what’s obvious to the majority of society. This was just one example of how this angelic being helped someone like me to finally see the light. I thank God that I crossed paths with her, and I dedicate the following section of this post, “Comments of the Unloving Mother vs. the Loving Mother” to her to show that I treasured her love and light in my heart:

I’m nowhere near an expert of being a parent, but the following are some examples of what I believe a mother shouldn’t say and should say to her child/children (perhaps some of you can relate to some of these negative or positive comments. Unfortunately, all the negative comments from the “Unloving Mother” were actually from my own mother. The positive comments are the type of comments that I have either said to my own children, that I would like to say to my own children one day, that I imagine a loving mother would say to her child or children, and what I would say to my own inner-child/soul. I also know that my first husband’s wife, who has much more influence than I do, have made, and continue to make, healthy and loving comments to my children):

Note: This update (in turquoise font) inserted 2/18/2016 => After rereading this informative, encouraging, uplifting, supportive, empowering, inspiring and very helpful post, I dedicate this post, especially the section below, to my amazing inner-child. I love you from the depths of my heart. 🙂 <3 <3 <3

• Unloving mother: “Your real father abandoned us because you cried excessively as a baby!”
• Loving mother: “Your real father abandoned us, not because of anything you did, but because he and I didn’t have a healthy relationship. It’s not your fault; you were just six months old.”

• Unloving mother: “Stop whining! The tub water is not super hot!”

• Loving mother: “Is the water too hot for you? Let me mix it with some cold water so that you’re comfortable.”

• Unloving mother: “You’re just acting like you’re studying because you’re trying to avoid spending time with me!”

• Loving mother: “Can I get you a snack or something since you’re studying so hard?”

• Unloving mother: “So you got good grades? That’s nice. You know, your dad used to brag a lot.”

• Loving mother: “I’m so proud of you for getting good grades! You’re so smart!”

• Unloving mother: “Well well well…look at you, studying as if you’re going to become something one day.”

• Loving mother: “You can become anything your heart desires; I believe in you, and God believes in you.”

• Unloving mother: “You ruined my life!”
• Loving mother: “You brought joy into my life!”

• Unloving mother: “You’re just like your father.” Note: In a mean tone.
• Loving mother: “You take after some of your father’s good qualities.”

• Unloving mother: “Why do you care so much about your kids who will eventually turn against you? It’s in their nature. I bet they will become a mirror image of their father, and they won’t love you, just the way he didn’t love you.” Note: In a mean tone.
• Loving mother: “I’m proud that you’ve become a mother who loves and cares for her children. No matter what, your children will always love you.”

• Unloving mother: “You’re nothing but a cold-hearted Jap! Everyone hates Japs, including the Americans.”
• Loving mother: “What happened in history between Korea and Japan has nothing to do with you. Be proud of being half Korean and half Japanese, you have the best of both worlds; and most of all, you’re a warm-hearted soul.”
Note: My American dad actually said the second sentence to me when they decided to tell me that I’m half Japanese. I wrote a post about how I came to peace with my biological self called, “Acceptance.”

• Unloving mother: “Why do you want me to come watch your game? It’s not like you guys ever win.” Note: In 10th grade

• Loving mother: “I can’t wait to see you play at your game! You guys are going to do great!”

• Unloving mother: “So your team actually won a game? That’s nice.” Note: In 12th grade

• Loving mother: “You guys won the game? That’s awesome! I’m so happy for you!”

• Unloving mother: “Yeah, you really do need to wear make-up…like all the time. Did you know that your forehead is much darker than the rest of your face?” Note: These type of comments, along with a negative childhood experience, contributed to my low self-esteem, which I wrote about in, “Low Self-Esteem.”
• Loving mother: “You’re naturally beautiful just the way you are. If you’d like to wear make-up to enhance your features, or just to have fun with it, do so; but know that you don’t need it.”

• Unloving mother: “I dare you to start crying you little bitch.”
• Loving mother: “It’s okay to cry when you feel sad or frustrated; it’s actually healthy. Plus, it makes you feel better afterwards to freely express yourself.” (Hug and kiss afterwards)

• Unloving mother: “What the hell are you looking at? I’m going to dig those eyes out!”
• Loving mother: “Did you have something on your mind that you’d like to talk about?”

• Unloving mother: “Do I need to make you seaweed soup today?” Note: It’s Korean custom to eat a bowl of seaweed soup on your birthday
• Loving mother: “I made you some delicious seaweed soup today! Afterwards, we can have your birthday cake for dessert!”

• Unloving mother: “Bow down to the Buddha statue and pray he will make you pretty and smart.” Note: In elementary school. Also, come to find out, my mother knew very little about Buddhism, and just went through the motions. For instance, true Buddhists don’t believe in violence.
• Loving mother: “I thank God for blessing me with such a pretty and smart daughter!”

• Unloving mother: “If you had a brother or sister, it would be worth making your favorite dishes or treats; but it’s a waste of time to make it for just one person.”
• Loving mother: “I am going to make you your favorite dish (or treat) today to show you how special you are to me.”

• Unloving mother: “Yeah, I got the Mother’s Day card you sent me.” Note: In displeased tone
• Loving mother: “Thank you for sending me a Mother’s Day card! It was so beautiful, and also thoughtful of you!”

• Unloving mother: “Go to your American father’s office and beg him to come back home since you put forth little effort to keep the family together.”
Note: When I was in ninth grade. I wrote a post about the result of this visit called, “Heartbreak.”
• Loving mother: “It’s not your fault that your American father hasn’t been home in a while. He and I need to work on keeping the family together.”

• Unloving mother: “You have some nerve to bring your friend over to the house. You’re so selfish; all you care about are your friends.”
• Loving mother: “Why don’t you invite your friends over to hang out at home? I’ll make you guys something good to eat.”

• Unloving mother: “By the way, don’t bother calling your Korean relatives anymore, none of them like you anyway.”
• Loving mother: “Make sure you stay in touch with your Korean relatives; they often remind me of how much they love you.”

• Unloving mother: “When you become an adult, don’t ever get married. Just stay single and mess around like men do; they can’t be trusted. Plus, you and I can live together; no one will ever love you like me.”
• Loving mother: “When you become an adult, I pray that you one day marry a wonderful man who will love you unconditionally, cherish you like a deep-sea treasure, and always be true to you. There are good men out there. Whether it’s through your single times, dating phase or your marriage, I will always be here for you, and my home will always be open to you.”

• Unloving mother: “You better stop screaming. None of the neighbors here are going to come to your rescue.”
• Loving mother: “If anyone ever abuses you (i.e., verbally, emotionally, physically and/or sexually), tell an adult who you can trust (e.g., a close family member, relative, teacher, etc.). You can always tell me, and I promise I won’t be upset with you.”

• Unloving mother: “Come sit down and watch this video with me. It’s a sex torture movie made in Germany.”
Note: I was in junior high school when this started.
• Loving mother: “Come sit down and watch this video with me. It has a very good moral to the story, and it includes some comedy as well!”

• Unloving mother: “How many packages of ramen do you want for lunch, two or three?” Note: Korean ramen packages are usually bigger than American ramen, like Top Ramen.
• Loving mother: “It’s okay to eat ramen once in a while, but not too much at one time. Not only does it lack nutrition, but it’s not good for you to over-eat anything.” Note: Ever since I was a child, I was praised by my mother for eating a lot. So, I always ate much more than I needed to to get attention; thus, I was usually chubby, border lining fat, from junior high to high school.

• Unloving mother: “Your American father said he’s leaving us. Let’s go to the rice patties in the country side and take some rat poison to kill ourselves.” Note: I was ten years old. I wrote a post about this day called, “Learned Solution.”

• Loving mother: “Your American father said he’s leaving us. It’s going to be sad at first, but we’re going to be just fine without him. If someone ever wants to leave you, set them free. True love is about giving another total freedom; it’s not about control, manipulation, or extreme neediness, jealousy and/or expectations.” Note: The last two sentences are what I’ve learned from one of the books of a great spiritual teacher, Neale Donald Walsch.

• Unloving mother: “I bet if I had your little brother, your real father would’ve stuck around.” And “I bet if I had your American father’s child (your little brother or sister), he would’ve stuck around.”
• Loving mother: “You are a worthy person, deserving all the great things in life, regardless if your real father or American father didn’t stick around.”

• Unloving mother: “Everyone who joins the military are losers who can’t survive in the real world and have nothing to offer to society. What? Stop being so sensitive Bobbie! I’m not talking about you!” Note: I was in the Army at the time, so I believe that was her indirect attack towards me.
• Loving mother: “I’m proud of you for doing your part in the military. I can only imagine how challenging it must be to do what you do (e.g., pulling 13-15 hour day shifts; performing strenuous physical activities such as daily morning exercises, physical fitness tests or ruck marches; conducting field exercises in the freezing cold mountains or during the scorching, hot summers; pulling guard duty at 3:00 a.m. in the pitch-dark, mosquito-infested, wooded areas; having extra duties on the weekends and/or the holidays; going TDY to participate in a challenging course or training exercise; being away from loved ones during a deployment(s) with no days off; working under constant pressure; trying to master time management; multi-tasking; working as a team; being face-to-face with the so-called enemy while interrogating; maintaining professionalism; being assertive; trying to set an example by living the Army values (i.e., loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service, honor, integrity, and personal courage); instructing, counseling, mentoring, leading, guiding, supervising, providing discipline, helping, teaching, empowering, motivating and inspiring Soldiers 24/7; being highly disciplined and self-motivated; analyzing and writing multi-page reports; giving briefs; having interpersonal skills; being flexible; being mentally tough; organizing; learning to work with different people from all over the world and from various backgrounds; being open-minded by understanding and accepting different cultures, etc.). I’m grateful for the U.S. military members. If it wasn’t for their support, South Korea could easily be annihilated within minutes by North Korea.”

Note: I know the above examples of what the average military members do is definitely lengthy, but it’s purpose is to emphasize their importance to ignorant or hateful people who easily belittle the military without knowing the facts. I realize that there are some bad apples in the military; but there are also bad apples in the civilian sector throughout the world. I’ve met some of the best service members (i.e. highly professional, intelligent, honorable, kind, hard-working and humorous souls), some of the worst, and everything in-between while I was in the Army, so I don’t appreciate it when people show no respect or appreciation for what the military members do. I’ve shared various stories with my mother about my military experience, so she knew better than to say something like that. But I’ve learned that sometimes people say things, not because they’re true, but because they want to hurt you.

The Painful Truth

It’s one thing to have constantly blamed an innocent child of all your problems because you weren’t a healthy parent at the time and didn’t know any better; but it’s quite another thing to make little effort to change for the better, and thus, continuously put down and manipulate your daughter or son throughout their adult years. I thought about the things I was still continuously bombarded with that were negatively affecting my well-being, and I brought them to my mother’s attention. The following is just a portion of our most recent telephone conversation:
• Mother: “Your chef aunt’s lack of cleanliness and smoking was driving me crazy, but I decided not to stress about it because she doesn’t tolerate nagging from anyone. I just smile to her face.”
Note: Complaint # 95,801 (guesstimation)

• Bobbie: “I don’t blame her; nobody’s likes the company of someone who constantly nags. Plus, she’s nice enough to let you live in her house rent-free, so I would just be grateful to her. Or you could always live alone again, which would probably be more comfortable for you.”
Note: My chef aunt was adopted by my grandmother, but yet she’s kind enough to share her home with my mother (something none of my mother’s real sisters or brother were willing to do after they learned their lesson of living with her before)

• Mother: “Your cousin’s newborn baby that I’m helping to take care of right now cries a lot. It’s so tiring!”
Note: Complaint # 95,808 (guesstimation)

• Bobbie: “The way I used to cry a lot when I was a baby?”

• Mother: “Oh, you didn’t cry that much.”

• Bobbie: “That’s not what you always told me. Ever since I can remember, you blamed me for driving my biological father away because I cried excessively. You know, that, along with a lot of other things you blamed me for, created a lot of guilt in me and helped develop a pattern of self-blame throughout my adult years.”

• Mother: “You need to change your personality and stop stressing over unnecessary things.”

• Bobbie: “The truth is, when my bio dad came to visit me the first and last time, he said that you’re the one who drove him away, not me. You often mentioned, to include today, that I need to change my personality. What exactly do you mean? Are you saying that I have a bad personality?”

• Mother: “Not necessarily a bad personality, but it’s not a really good one either; your personality is mostly like your real father’s.”
Note: My mother abhors my bio dad with a passion and thinks he’s a narcissistic asshole.

• Bobbie: “That’s funny, according to him, you’re the one with the bad personality. You often said things that were very hurtful, insensitive, cruel, and bottom line…a major turn off. Whenever you got angry, you would do things like pick up a vase as if you were going to throw it. You drank and smoked while you were pregnant with me, so he had to threaten to leave you if you didn’t stop. He came home one day, and noticed that you had sold all the expensive furniture in the house; when he asked you about it, you simply replied, “I don’t know.” That was your passive-aggressive way of expressing your anger towards him.

• Mother: “It’s all lies! We never had expensive furniture. And about the mean comments…he deserved to hear the truth. He was always messing around and not always telling me when he had to go TDY (equivalent to business trips) or when he was coming back. Also, I learned at an early stage of our relationship that he doesn’t participate in arguments, let alone fights, so why would I try to get into a fight with him? A few times I said something to him that he didn’t want to hear, he was infamous for just taking off to base and not coming home that night.”

• Bobbie: “Maybe they are all lies. Who knows who’s telling the truth? But it sure doesn’t feel good to be blamed for things you didn’t do, does it? Well, I imagine he, too, didn’t like my personality because I told him exactly how I feel about him. But you know what I have to say to people like him? If someone with a good personality suggested that I make change to my personality, I would be all ears. However, someone with a bad personality suggesting to others to change their bad personality is like a thief telling others not to steal.”

• Mother: “Uh yeah, I guess that makes sense. Uh, well, it looks like we’ve been talking for a long time now. You and your husband take care of each other, and be happy and healthy. I miss you and love you.”

• Bobbie: “Yeah, me too.” CLICK. Note: This was a new reaction. Usually, when I disagree with her, confront her, or say something that doesn’t sit well with her, she either goes off on me, says something sarcastic or hurtful, and/or she slams the phone down and hangs up on me. 

Positive Change #1,234: New Behavior = Hope, Love and Faith

About three weeks after writing this post: I recently noticed something that didn’t occur to me before, which is one of several reasons why I find journaling very therapeutic. I learned that my mother only controls those who she can get away with controlling. The following is one of her comments from the above phone conversation: “Your chef aunt’s lack of cleanliness and smoking was driving me crazy, but I decided not to stress about it because she doesn’t tolerate nagging from anyone. I just smile to her face.”

For 21 years, not only have I always called her (mostly international calls, besides when I was stationed in South Korea while I was in the Army), but I always called her even after she went off on me, said something sarcastic or mean, or even hung up on me. Once, she called me back because I actually hung up on her for the first time when she tried to control everything about my life again (when I was in my early twenties). To my surprise, she apologized. Well, it’s time for another change.

I’ve decided that my mother can call me when she’s sincerely ready to have a healthy mother-daughter relationship, one that exchanges a lot of positive energy rather than the way it has been for almost forty years. If I want certain things to change around me, I need to change as well. I deserve the best in life, like every other soul, and I choose to love myself the way God loves me. And no one can ever take that away from me, now that I know I own the right to be loved, to be free, to feel safe, to be respected, to know the truth, to be peace, to experience joy, and to have a friendship with God without some middle man/woman trying to instill fear into my heart using control, manipulation, threats and negative power.

Thank you God, my soul, and other souls for helping me to be exactly where I need to be.

UPDATE: September 10, 2012

My mother disowned me yesterday because I would no longer accept her continuous verbal and emotional abuse. I tried to reason with her for the last time, but it didn’t work. I chose to love and stand up for myself since I’m my own best friend now. 

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The following are related posts about trauma, rising above abuse, and one of many symptoms of abuse (high levels of anxiety):

Note: Like I mentioned in my most recently updated homepage…I wrote about half of my posts in the third person (i.e., Bobbie) when I started out, more than likely due to avoidance. I’m assuming it was easier for me to talk about some of the sensitive stories if I was telling them from an objective point of view. Plus, it sometimes allowed me to gain insight about the people, situations, and ideas that helped mold me into a better human being. 

• Not Flight or Fight…But Freeze (trauma)
• Forgiving the “Bad” To Help Them Remember They Are Good Souls
• Anxiety ==>Follow-on post “Accomplishment” included